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BOOK REVIEW: Hi Gorgeous! The first words of sociopathic seduction

Melissa K. Dean was a new lawyer in a new job. All she needed was a new romantic interest. So she posted her profile in Match.com, and received more than 30 responses in the first two days. One of the men started began his message boldly, writing, “Hi Gorgeous!”

For a woman who had long doubted her feminine appeal, the words were irresistible. More words followed—words that seemed to indicate mutual interests and goals, words that appealed to the woman’s sympathies.

Melissa K. Dean tells the story of being seduced by, married to, and then abused by, Jack Cass, a man who claimed to be a former Navy SEAL. It’s a classic story of sociopathic victimization.

Exotic dancer

Dean tells her story in a new book available in the Lovefraud Store, Hi Gorgeous! Starry Eyes and Toxic Lies.

They communicated online and by phone for a short time. Then they met for lunch, which Dean describes early in the book:

Conversation superseded our interest in our salads as we prattled on about various topics, including the characteristics we valued and disliked in potential mates. He spurned spoiled princesses and victim-oriented women, a group that included his mom—a counselor “ahead of her time,” yet victimized by by his Baptist father’s verbal abuse and infidelity with Jack’s piano teacher. He hated civilians, abhorred dishonesty and disloyalty—especially infidelity.

My bleeding heart was moved by his tale of woe, which he fully anticipated. Here was a man who’d been wounded on the battlefields of war and romance. “I let women walk all over me,” he proclaimed. The three purple hearts to which he laid claim paled in comparison to the heart he said was repeatedly broken by women who’d either cheated or bilked him out of money. “Learning to trust is a difficult task for me,” he said.

Can anyone say manipulation?

At one point before meeting Cass, Dean worked as an exotic dancer—that’s how she earned the money to take a prep course for her bar exam. Cass was fascinated by her former stint as a stripper, and after he manipulated Dean into marriage, saw his future in marketing his wife as a sexy model and dancer at biker clubs.

He, of course, had financial problems, child support payments and no steady income. But he had big ideas, which he convinced his wife to participate in. Gradually, he became more and more impatient with Dean’s contributions, and displayed his displeasure through emotional, psychological and sexual abuse.

Message of hope

In their letters to Lovefraud, many people have said their experiences with a sociopath were so outrageous that they should write a book about what happened to them. Melissa Dean has done it.

Many of you, who thought you were the only person on the planet experiencing the abuse and crazy-making of a sociopath, will take comfort in her story. You are not alone. In fact, many of you will recognize yourself, and the person who victimized you, in the tale.

Dean’s book has a happy ending—she escapes and begins to rebuild her life, her way. Her story is proof that you can recover from the abuse. It’s the message of hope and healing we all need.



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334 Comments on "BOOK REVIEW: Hi Gorgeous! The first words of sociopathic seduction"

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My X also said he was a SEAL. He also said he worked for the NSA and killed people. When we met, he told me that I “had this aura around me” and that he just had to speak to me. I found several months ago that he had a year and a half affair with a woman, met her in the same place, and told her the same thing as they met. He now hangs out in biker bars with criminals and strippers and was a bouncer for a while. Now he is unemployed. When the stories of covert work became more bizarre and the lies became more evident, I had him investigated. Noting was truthful. I was just a blip on the radar screen of probably the many women he lied to over the years.

Keeping_faith: I just thought of something … maybe all our EXs and people like our EXs … the Madoff’s of the world can be fiction writers … writing screen plays or something.

Hey, everyone was asking what we can do with the likes of them … let’s give them tape recorders in prison and let them create all these off the wall stories. Well, it would have been a good idea when the writers strike was on. (LOL).

Peace.

Wini…..LMAO. There was so much drama in this man’s tales and life in general, it was like a bizarre made for tv movie. AND HE LIKED IT.

The woman who helped me to investigate him from the pownetwork.org said (when I told her he was fired from his job) that maybe he is now working undercover as unemployed…..LOL. I’m sure there is a story to go along with that and I’m sure it is someone else’s fault !!!

I’m going to have to read this book.

Words jumped out of the few paragraphs posted “abhorred dishonesty and disloyalty — especially infidelity”. How my S beat those drums so hard — he was a one-man percussion section.

And Melissa’s reaction: “My bleeding heart was moved by his tale of woe, which he fully anticipated. Here was a man who’d been wounded on the battlefields of war and romance. “I let women walk all over me,” he proclaimed.”

Gay, straight, male, female — know what Melissa heard and her response is the same as what I heard and my response. All directly out of the S playbook. Bet most people here are going to have the same reaction I did to those paragraphs.

Ah, yes, they are “broken” and they need US to fix them, help them overcome the trauma of their earlier lives. How we fall for that tale of woe. Just like my poor son, in prison and suffering and needs mommie to send him money and when she dies and he finally gets out on parole to leave him enough money to live well without working. POOOOOOR BABY has spent his whole life suffering at the hands of the a$$h0le guards who persecute him. Pooooooor baby!

I just broke up my “The broken apply here” sign and I am out of the “FIX-IT” business.

match.com? that’s where i met my psychopath! i thought he’d broken up with his girlfriend (the one he secured before discarding me) because i searched his “user name” and there he was!

but they are still dating. he either hides or deactivates his profile because it doesn’t show up in searches now. this makes it easier for predators.

I met my prince charming on match.com, too. And he had a “secret profile” up during the last months of our relationship. I didn’t even think to look for a profile on match.com while we were in a relationship. We were in love! We were living together! Who does that? We know….

To be fair to match – I know some great couples who are both kind and loving people who met on match. But match is a dangerous place, too, and has a significant population of S’s and N’s.

Your story sounds so painful, Morgan. These guys (and girls) are absolutely unbelievable – the devastation they are willing to wreak on others is unbelievable.

Morgan and Healing Heart:

Match.com. Every time I hear that idiot Dr Phil blathering on about it I want to hurl.

I was watching Kathy Griffin on TV this afternoon and she so has his number. She said “He’s not even a real doctor. He’s a botanist for God’s sake.”

A botanist. Sure makes him an expert on relationships.

From here on in, forget Dr Phil. Next relationship, I’ll consult my philodendron. And I’ll probably get better advice.

It isn’t just match.com it is all internet dating sites I believe. Sure there probably ARE some good people on there, but how can you tell the difference at first? It is like putting your hand into a barrel of snakes and hoping there isn’t a poisonous one in there. With my luck the whole barrel would be full of pit vipers! LOL

I reread this post and another phrase jumped out at me:

“He, of course, had financial problems … But he had big ideas, which he convinced his wife to participate in. Gradually, he became more and more impatient with Dean’s contributions, and displayed his displeasure through emotional, psychological and sexual abuse.”

My S is a financial trainwreck — 15 judgements against him, 3 more cases pending. But, boy, that didn’t stop his big ideas. He wanted “us” to buy a hotel, restaurant and bar that had gone on the market in another state.

Naturally, I would have been the only one on the hook to the banks, since he didn’t have 2 nickels to rub together. Of course, he also seemed to conveniently overlook the fact that CONVICTED FELONS CAN’T GET LIQUOR LICENSES.

And then there was the gift shop idea in a resort community. And then there was the clothing store. He was a veritable font of big ideas. All on somebody else’s dime.

And on. And on. And on. Of course, all would be on my dime.

Thank God I never let myself get sucked into any of his schemes. Or, today I would be owning that hotel, restaurant and bar. And that gift shop. And that clothing store.

Of course, no matter how much I gave, my contributions were never enough. I’ll never forget when I was taking him on vacation to Greece (as always, I paid) and he asked me how many hours it was to Athens. I told him 10. He said “Oh. I’m not sure I can fly 10 hours in coach.”

Friends of mine now tell me “And you didn’t dump him right then and there?” But, by then I was so accustomed to his displeasure with me that my conditioned response kicked in and I just took it. I cringe with embarrassment at the memories.

Matt: No need to cringe. You’re a bighearted person, willing to share. Now you know how big you are and how much you care. You deserve someone who will know that the biggest gift you bring is your heart.

I paid for multilevel marketing up-front fees and an ill-conceived internet-based business — all in the hope that he would make something of it and stop picking MY pocket for each and every daily expense. Aaaack!

Rune:

Isn’t it amazing how WE all poured all OUR energies into trying to make THEIR lives work? And yet, THEY all seem strangely unconcerned about THEIR futures.

Oh, S talked a good game about wanting to save money for retirement, and not having a pot to piss in and wanting a better life for himself — and for us.

And yet, I remember on those trips I paid for, how he somehow came up with the money to go wild at the outlet malls. And had an apartment jammed to the rafters with stuff. And two large storage bins packed with stuff. (his ex was paying for those).

When I was totally besotted I wanted us to build a future together. I wanted us to do something together. I offered him endless opportunities. I wanted to see him succeed. But, end of the day, his only interests were his limited ends.

Every once in awhile, I wonder what is going to happen to S. His days as a boy-toy are gone. I don’t see “a big score” in his future.

My shrink says that statistically sociopaths live 15 years less than the rest of us because of their high-risk behavior. Maybe that’s his plan — die before he needs to worry about retirement. Some plan.

I’d like to thank Donna for this site and for you folks and your stories. Not that I’m taking great happiness in your stories because I’m not at all, but because of how we’ve all been so sensitive enough to try and be there for someone, only to have it blow up in our faces.

My last girlfriend, by all the descriptions and characteristics I’ve read, is a sociopath. A compulsive liar since she was a child, an abusive father and a very clingy personality, not to mention a thief and has no kind of compassion whatsoever and feels like she should have everybody bow down to her and is entitled to everything. She got out of relationship not long before she met me which was in 1998. She told me she was a model and her previous boyfriend would smack her around and mess her face up the night before a photo shoot. It gets better.

*She told me a member of the gym she worked at raped her (we spent several weeks in rape counseling only to find out it didn’t happen as she described it – it was rough sex with a married man and drama).

*She was arrested in 2004 for stealing over $16,000 during a 3 year period but never took responsibility for it (she claimed it was due to her parents financial issues) and was ordered to pay it back, first at $250 a month, then $500 when the judge saw she wasnt taking it serious.

*We were engaged briefly and moved in together for a year which was the ultimate wake-up call: I was working 7 days a week to make the rent and water bill and she would buy groceries but preferred lunch with her friends and shopping afterward, this while I’m taking out payday loans to help her with her restitution.

*We talked briefly after we moved out and decided to be civil and get our lives in order before we got back together. I paid the bulk of the rent at the storage garage that had 95% of her items and I continued paying for furniture that we had when we moved in together under the impression we would move in again. I also co-signed for her to get a new car, which was ultimately repossessed.

*She worked for an escort service after convincing me it was purely ‘social’ and no sex involved and it would help her pay off her restitution and then dated a guy (we’ll call him Frank)she met through this service and who gave her $1500 at their first meeting (which she promplty threw in my face to make it sound as if I wasn’t capable of helping her). She said nothing to me about this guy until her sister told me about it several months later. She said they were just ‘friends’ and he was married, two kids and a bisexual wife. When they would go out, they talked about his wife and I.

*We reconciled AFTER she found out I was talking to another woman and used a mutual friends wedding and ‘being around them showed her how special love is’ BS as the means to get back into my life.

*She admitted she slept with another guy behind my back and when I changed my cell #, she was frantically calling her sisters, friends and my work to talk to me and tell me how much she screwed up and she missed me and that she would have to earn my trust again and loved me. We talked a bit and went out to do things as cpuples do, shared intimacy, and she was still asking me to borrow money from me to go out with her friends.

*That same week, the judge was prepared to put her in jail if she did not come up with $8000 for the balance of the restitution. her mother called her ‘boyfriend’ (Frank) she met through the escort service. This poor guy shelled out close to $10000 but they were just ‘friends’. A married man meets a desperate and opportunitstic woman through an escort service, gives her that kind of money and they’re just friends?!?!?!? Not hardly – there was MAJOR sexual involvement going on between those two. Of course, she used his act iof kindness, again, to belittle me and make me feel worhtless.

*This past July, I knew something was going on and she knew she couldn’t lie about it anymore. I talked to her parents one day and by chance, the same day, I ran into her and she admitted she was seeing someone else (we’ll call him Todd) and they began dating ‘2 months ago’ (May) and didn’t hesitate to tell me they slept together, too. Later that night, I found out she was marrying this guy. I was completely and utterly pulverized. I talked to her sister that same night and she’d been dating Todd behind my back since April. She kept it from her parents until 3 days before I found out but the parents said not a word to me when I saw them.

After all the money I shelled out, after all the good deeds I tried to do, after the cheating, deceiving, manipulating and lying, she then doesn’t even have the decency to tell me she was breaking up with me. I called her and left her voice messages asking how and why she would do this to me and if Todd knew about her past: the arrests, the felony record, the escort service, Frank paying for her to get out of jail and that she was seeing Frank, myself and Todd simultaneously. Her response was simple text message reading HE ALREADY KNOWS. PLZ DONT CALL ME NEMORE. 10 years of being lied to, cheated on, used and manipulated and that’s the best I get is being broken up with via text message. She did tell a mutal freind she was concerned about me but that was so she could save face and not look to mean and heartless. Since then, no e-mails, cards, text messages or phone calls saying she was sorry for how this whole thing shook out. Our mutual friend did say she talked to her and told her she was disappointed with what she did and I deserved an explanation. I told her that was waste of time because my ex doesn’t care about anybody or anything. She just wants to get married and get out of her parents house and it became very and painfully obvious she’ll do what she has to do make herself happy. The problem is, she’s not happy unless she’s with somebody. Even when we separted not long after we started dating, there was another guy in the picture for her to be with, go out with – and whatever else they did. Clearly, this girl cannot function as a single person.

As the months rolled on, it became obvious that after we moved out, she wanted her space to find someone else to pay her way through life. She apparently broke it off with Frank, who I later found out was seperated, after she didn’t want to be #2 anymore. Guess his $10000 is up in smoke now, and knowing her, she probably told him she’d blackmail him if he pressed the issue.

She’s a whore, a slut, a compulsive liar, a thief, a felon, and for whatever reason, I feel like I put my time in and this guy guy got away with my trophy after knowing her for 6 months. What I’m more pissed off about is that people knew and didn’t tell me because felt it should be her place to tell me. My 10 years with her and this family should’ve superceded that and someone should’ve said something. As a result, there’s been no contact with her or her parents. As far as I’m concerned, I hope she pulls the same thing with her husband or he does the same thing to her. I have no sympathy for anybody that plans and schemes like this and people who watch it all happen and don;t have the decency to say something to an innocent victim.

I’m counting on Karma now to take care of her because I won’t. Karma is that continuous wheel that keeps on spinning and I’m certain she’ll get hers. I hope she does. I hope ANYBODY that does this sort of thing to someone who means well gets theirs. I refuse to retaliate because that would put my at the bottom of the barrel with her.

As a result of this whole thing, my self confidence has been shattered, my trust isn’t what it used to be and quite honestly I don’t care if I ever fall in love again. I’ll never go through this sort of this again. Count on it.

Hey Plowman: Welcome. You might notice that these Ss like to pick on decent people. So you’ll find a bunch of decent, compassionate people here who, like you, have a hard time believing that anyone could behave as badly as these creeps.

Like you said, “after the cheating, deceiving, manipulating and lying, she then doesn’t even have the decency to tell me she was breaking up with me.” No, and that’s because she can’t understand the concept of decency. Believe it or not, she did you a great favor by walking away and not contacting you. She might have been one of the stalker types.

Keep reading here, and you’ll get support to get through. You’re in good company here — among decent people.

Mine, too, was always scheming about that next big opportunity- his own bussiness, etc. And of course it was all based on me working 60 hours a week to get the ball rolling. He had 15 different jobs in the 10 years we were married, quitting or getting fired from every one of them. That is what keeps my fire fueled- the fact that we put not only our love & trust in them, we all have gone into financial ruins for all our efforts. Try to find someone to help recoup your losses?- that’s like spitting into the wind.
Plowman- welcome to LF, & I am truly sorry you have suffered at the hand of one of the many evil ones that inhabit our world. You are safe here. We all GET IT, & understand your pain & grief. Keep coming back to us!

Plowman:

Welcome. Gay, straigh, male, female — doesn’t matter, we’ve all been through the same drill and understand.

I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I finally drove my S off in November. There was the 3 month “honeymoon period” up front and 12 months of pure hell thereafter.

Mine was an ex-con, a financial trainwreck, abused alcohol and cocaine, had his salary garnished for back taxes and student loans, and spent the better part of our relationship trying to stave off eviction (I bailed him out twice). Money ran through his fingers like water. And I became his financial waterfall.

Sociopaths are parasites, plain and simple. They will bleed you dry emotionally, financially, physically. The list is endless.

I’m not surprised her parents didn’t say anything to you. I really liked my ex-S’s family. They were wonderful people. But, I can’t help but believe that when I came along they were greatful that I was taking their problem off their hands — if at least for awhile.

Read the archives and articles and postings. You’ll get through this.

Plowman,
I learned months ago with my X-S that I would never see him get what he deserved or get any real closure (except No Contact)…So I just had to “let it go” to either Karma or Jesus on Judgement Day ( I can easily imagine the twisted demonic sicko standing there trying to spew his venom and pathological lies before Jesus)
Sorry for your experience with the S…
God Bless….

Oxy couldn’t agree with you more. Internet dating sites is the gift that keeps on giving for S/P’s. These sites are an inexhaustible source of people for them to meet use and finally “seal the deal“. Many of them they won’t even meet but no worry mate, for they still get attention and their Narcissistic supply. They set up profile after profile (it’s all about numbers on the net and this is also a major red flag) waiting for that next fish to be hooked. What’s so great for them in these sites? Well it easy to lie on these sites. One can be anything one wants to be. It’s a easy access in and out if things don’t work out on these sites as planned. If anyone asked me I would tell them that “dating sites” is tailor made for Sociopathic people. But again to be fair to these sites. Yes there are so good people who really want to meet others. So we take our chances when we look there. All I can say is look for the many “red flags” and yes dear readers they will be there. For I myself have seen them.

Oh one another thing I forgot to add concerning setting up a profile…

Each site ask anyone this same question…

“Tell us about yourself”…

Oh how they love to tell us about themselves….

🙂

Yep…that’s where I met my X-S, on the Yahoo Personals Dating site….I bet he didn’t even skip a beat when we broke up and went straight back to the dating sites….I do believe are some good people on them, but there are so many LIARS….

Plowman: Welcome … and yes, everyone can call them anything they want … but when you deduct all their deceptions, all their manipulations, how other people’s money goes through their hands like water … deduct all their despicable conduct of total disregard for everyone and anyone, never taking responsibility for their words or their action … you come down to one word to describe them, and that word is “whore”. Period.

I’m sorry you had to go through the experience with the likes of her. By no means is she a prize to anyone. I feel sorry for the new guy in her life, for he too will be blogging with us soon.

Remember … NO CONTACT with her what-so-ever. No CONTACT with her family, NO CONTACT with her friends … or should I say acquaintances … NO CONTACT whatsoever … for now is the time for you to heal your heart and soul.

Peace.

Oh and his profile (the X-S) was so long I just skimmed it…That was before I was educated about Malignant Narcissism… (lol)

Plowman,

I am new to this site (about 2 months) and a year after a two year experience with a S/P. I may not be the best person to advise you because there seem to be many people like us here who are certainly more educated on the S/P behaviors and consequences but here’s my 2 cents:

Don’t beat yourself up.
It’s OK to be angy, and you are right in not retaliating. It just keeps us tied in.
NO CONTACT is the only way to heal. They keep trying to suck us in.
Don’t beat yourself up.
Forgive yourself first.
Don’t forget what happened so that your future changes.
Be good to yourself.
Find and do things that please YOU.
Don’t beat yourself up.

As you sit back and watch, karma will prevail. We don’t have to be vengeful because their behavior speaks for itself and they WILL eventually get what they deserve on their own and because of themselves. It may not happen as fast as we would like but I have faith that these lying, cheating, pain inflicting, badly behaved thieves cannot possibly be successful for long……at least under my definition of success. They don’t lead clean lives.

You will be OK. You CAN love and will again. Good people jsut do. I’m sorry this has happened to you. Time will take care of your confidence. We all heal differently and at a different pace, and it’s hard but it will happen. Stay strong.

My son met his BPD on a dating site and I met my S, a loud charismatic American, outside the very local dry cleaners where he exuded all his charm and pity play but mostly charm and seduction. He said he had an exciting new project, the internet super highway, that it was his idea and he was going to pull it off, kept name dropping etc. He also told me he had won against the city of New York in a case of mistaken identity but all his millions of dollars were in a bank in America, oh he had all the paperwork to convince me.. yet never had a penny or should i say, a cent to his name because, he said, his ex would want it.. clever! He told me (and everyone in the locality), that he was fighting to see his sons, that his ex was mad etc etc , all my friends said that he seemed too good to be true, he had to be the centre of attention and hold the conversation, he had tears in his eyes when he told me, over and over again how he lost his buddies in Afghanistan, told me not asked me, that i would be his wife, kept telling me how he loved me and how money was coming every day or he would go to collect it, coming back of course with yet another tale.. until I ran out of money and through my overdraft. When I seriously questioned him he threw a rage in my lounge. After he left he left vile threatening messages amidst telling me we would talk about this, phoned my friends, sent me emails telling me i was old and past it, phoned the police with lies about me. It was on Lovefraud that I learned that i wasn’t going mad and read and read and read until I was free of my anger. I am so grateful to all of you on here and of course, no matter what he said or how awful it was, maintained no contact and, fingers crossed have just had one or two weird phone calls and eggs thrown at my house which are nasty of course but I think the police and I have finally got rid of him from my life. The red flags were all there for me to see.., and i chose not to see them! I just view him as pathetic now, which of course, he is. All just an act.

tryingto heal,

Isn’t it amazing how they turn on the tears as they pathalogiacally lie? Mine was famous for it and each time, I later found, he was telling a big lie. Every woman in his life was insane, so he said, except his daughter who truly is insane but just like him. He left letters at my home in five different places, (so that my children would find them) accusing me of having sex with men…..and on and on and on…… I was the best thing that ever happened to him and within seconds I was an insane slut bit*&. for him, it was all imagined,…….the GOOD and the BAD….. It certainly wasn’t real.

Dear Plowman, I”m the Ox Drover, so together we can form a TEAM! (a bit of humor there) Glad you found your way here, sincerely, as the information and support here will help you to heal, and not only heal but to become a better stronger person for the experience. I won’t tell you that it isn’t a hard row to hoe, but once we put our hands to the plow, we don’t need to look back, we need to keep on plowing forward. Sure there will be rocks and stumps and pit falls in the furrow, but we can do it. The support here ROCKS!!!!

Learning about these people, and LEARNING ABOUT OURSELVES and what made us put up with them for so long is very very important and will eventually make some sense, and allow us to forgive ourselves and stop beating ourselves up, or feeling so untrusting that we resign from the human race.

The trick is to learn enough about them that we can avoid being prey in the future.

READ READ READ because KNOWLEDGE=POWER and that is what we have to do, take back our power, one ounce at a time!!! God bless you Plowman, we all work together here as a TEAM and when one falls down there are twenty hands there to lift them up!!! God bless you in your healing journey.

I met one in a local pub while playing pool on a Sunday afternoon 30 years ago.
I met the second in a local feed store in a very tiny community.

My friend met hers at work.

My neighbor met hers in a grocery store.

My brother’s ex-girlfriend met hers on match.com

THEY ARE EVERYWHERE.

Met my at Venture (department store) and then run into again at a gas station. But I have met a few online already. Truth is you never know were you might run into one. Be careful out there folks…

James:

After the destruction caused by our sociopaths, isn’t it a satisfying moment (for lack of a better phrase) when you recognize what you’re dealing with the next time around? And it’s even more satisfying when you cut them off cold and move along with your life.

Ok, another one for Match.com, and he must of smelled me coming… a widow after a 26 year marriage, I was so incredibly vulnerable and of course he said and did all the right things, ending up taking me for a small fortune! I even reported him to Match and he’s still up there, they just ignored me.

He thought I was and idiot, in some ways I was but I keep very good records! Fraud is an ugly thing, and I’m pretty sure the government won’t like it when they find out they are the target. LOL They may not like defending people like us, but if it’s them, it’ll be a different story.

I probably won’t recover everything I lost but if it’ll stop a professional con man, thief and liar, from hurting someone else, hey, I’m all for it.

I met mine on Yahoo personals. Actually she was the second one from the site but the first one only lasted two months and I am so glad it ended so quickly and easily because we lived three hrs away from each other. The second one was three yrs of pure hell! I will NEVER use a dating site to find anyone again!!!! It was honest enough on my part because I work alot and dont have alot of time to socialize so it seemed like the perfect thing to do. DING! The gong just swung and sweeped me off the stage

Plowman,
you sound like me now. I recently found the strength to tell my “S” to leave me the hell alone! And it seems the more I tell her, the more she is pouring it on. Im getting stronger about the NO CONTACT rule but sometimes my anger now just doesnt allow that. I really tell her what I think of her and how she treated me and how she is heartless and without remorse. It all is even through cowardly phone text because she even isnt woman enough to call me and speak to my face. And the more I tell her about herself the more she blames me for everything and how its my fault and that my anger goes much deeper than “our issues” and she brings my family, job, and anything else she can latch onto trying to make me believe it was me!!!! The funny thing is, after being on this site I recognize her patterns and the contact we have actually helps me see so clearly just who she is and my text back have been much less frequent and its getting so much easier to just not do it! For instance, yesterday morning she text me at 8:00 am and said she didnt want to fight anymore and if I couldnt change and let go of my anger (which I have because she cheated on me three times and lied to my face about a thousand times and Im now about 30,000 dollars in unneeded debt because of her)and work on our future then stay the hell away from her. I thought about it all day long and at five oclock she texts me with a text about a stupid picture frame that she was looking for and said she couldnt find. When I responded with “Im not going to change because of your stupid mistakes and I will not longer compromise my values because of the damage you cause” she text me back and said she was going to block me from her phone, email ETC. I responded with capital letters “BLOCK ME, IT WILL ONLY HELP ME GET RID OF YOU!” I didnt hear anything again until this morning when I got a text that said and I kid you not….” I had a xray this mrng & they found you in my heart. Dr. said he couldn’t take you out, bcuz I’d die without u!!!” LMAO!!!! I did not even respond and couldn’t because it is so obvious to me now who and what she is and her patterns. I would love to respond to that one with every sarcasm that has come to my brain but so far so good. There will come a time for you Plowman that your anger will start being beneficial in a sense to you because you seem like an extremely caring individual but hard headed like me because you strive so hard to make something work and you hate to take no for an answer. But this is one like I told myself I’m just gonna have to chalk up as a very valuable lessoned learned. Another friend of mine on here was having a down moment last night and when I read his email I was like come on, lets not have a pity party because we all will have them(and believe me you will on your road to getting over this too) but like I told him, Im picking you up by the shoulders…..now lets dust ourselves off,shall we?

Keep reading this blog Plowman, it has helped me tremendously and Im just a little pion(sp?) compared to some of the people on here and their advice. the best thing you did was find this site. I wish you the best and we all know what you are up against

OxD, I always wondered what your user name meant. 🙂

I have not posted here for a while. I just wanted to report that I haven’t had much desire to talk about my ex and all of his craziness, even for the sake of helping others. I think this is a positive step in my healing. I am working on forgiving and setting limits with the members of the internet community I belong to where I met the S. A few of them that I reached out to betrayed me, out of their lack of understanding of just how I was traumatized. I still belong to the forum. Fortunately, the S has left (I’m hoping for good) and no one has brought his name up in many months, so I have been enjoying being there. In addition, my massage practice has been growing in leaps and bounds, which keeps me pretty busy.

The ongoing healing work for me is not about the S. I know I will never talk to him again. It’s more about dealing with my borderline abandonment issues which I have talked about so frequently here. I’m happy to say I am making progress here as well. It’s been a bumpy road. I hope to one day make a full recovery. I doubt I will ever trust a therapist, but I’m beginning to trust myself to take care of myself. It’s a start. I’m learning some things about myself (like I’m a very deeply feeling person) that some people cannot relate to but others who are like-minded are drawn to. Oh well, I can’t please everybody. I am not apologizing for who I am any more.

I wish for everyone on this site continued healing and wisdom. The people here are amazing and just here when you need them.

I just got out of the craziest thing that I can’t really explain, except I am about 100 percent certain I was involved with a sociopath. I haven’t spoken to him for three days. Trying to stay away, feeling stupid that I am tempted to try and contact him again. He told me he was an attorney intially, that he really liked me, I was the best sex he ever had, talked to me all day every day. Then he stopped talking to me so often. Told me that we never had a relationship, just an experience. Limited our conversations to myspace. If I tried to stop communication I would recieve some sort of suggestive text, most recently a picture of his penis that I could clearly see he had mass texted to me and five other women. Why do I still want this person. I think I need my head examined.

Is it usual for sociopaths to say strange things that catch you so off guard that it takes days to process it. He said so many things that left me dumbfounded. IE I don’t have a soul, but if you died I would be sad, I would have your son build you a casket out of legos.

Eliza,

Welcome to Love Fraud, I’m sorry you wound up here but it is a good place if you are a candidate for needing it. [email protected]

Anestu,

Why don’t you go NC and stop responding to her texts and e mails, etc. It will, I promise you, make your healing quicker and easier. As long as we respond to them at all they will keep it up, the games and the pounding on us. It is only when we stop reading or listening, and pretend they are potted plants, and DON’T RESPOND that we can truly get them out of our lives. Consider it. Good luck.

Yes, eliza, they have strange thought patterns. I encourage you to read the book “without conscience” by Robert D. Hare. He give many examples of the crazy, nonsensical thought patterns of sociopaths. The “I’m in love with you” one day, then “I never loved you” the next day is very common with these types. We’ve all been dumped before, but when you’ve been discarded by a sociopath, it’s different.

Dear Blew me away,

Welcome to you as well, hang around and read. I was also a vulnerable widow and hooked up with a psychopath 8 months after my husband died. Good luck and hang around here, theres lots of support and comfort and knowledge here. Welcome!

I have been meaning to pick that up, read Sociopath Next Door already. I started suspecting that I wasn’t dealing with a normal person right away, noticed a chilliness. I just thought he was mysterious and it actually made me like him more I think. Then I started researching a bit as things got stranger. When I found out he was not an attorney, he works for Child Protection as a social worker. He had told me stories about photographing crime scenes, gave graphic details, told me it didn’t really affect him. He tried to tell me that he and I were the same, that neither of us really cared about anyone else. He likes animals though, told me if he had to shoot a child or an animal, he would shoot the child. Other than that he fits so many of the characteristics.

OXY,
I know…….my head is ready for the skillet…ding! and I HAVE been finding out that the less I speak the easier it gets. But she always says something that she knows my heart was into and the blame pours for not making it work. That is the hardest part for me. But today was a no contact day for me even after she text. Im getting there. Im just wanting to be the super heroine with extra special powers that can be there to see her demise. That makes me sound evil doesn’t it? but I think that is the deal with me……Im only wanting to keep contact to see how bad she goes on. I guess in a way to prove to myself that I wasn’t crazy and im not making wrong assumptions about her. We all know how convincing they are with their intentions. And here I am giving her some benefit of the doubt!!!! Damn, give me the skillet! It’s soooo hard!!!
Seriously, I do know that NC is the way. It’s only been three months but she has shown up and I have threatened a restraining order, now it’s at least down to just texting from the phone. And I know that when she first got with me and was telling her last ex how bad it was and it was over that she resorted to texting her until she had me hooked and it stopped! Until she cheated with her(LOL) but she is keeping me hanging till she finds someone else and it will stop

I know I am spewing things out in such fragmented manner. Just because I have never been able to voice them, or tell anyone, because its all so bizarre. I can actually speak intelligently. My mind is fried.

oxy,
I like the potted plant idea. Im gonna put a dead potted plant on my snow covered deck in full view!! Each day, that is how I will think of her. Cold, freezing for affection she will never get,wishing she had the warmth of my love to invigorate the life she had with me and to bring her back to life, wishing I would care for her, etc. But she will remain the dead potted plant I look at every morning! And when I am done looking at her this spring, I’ll let her sit there some more. It will become the most alive plant I have. good symbolism I think

Eliza,
My sociopath loved animals too. I met him on a reptile forum. He loved snakes and was very kinds and gentle to my snakes and cats. He seemed to have a real understanding of what snakes need (waiting for the obvious analogy of snakes and sociopaths here…..lol). But he collected 9 of them in 2 months with heat lamps, large cages, etc. knowing he was planning to move out of state shortly. It would be nearly impossible to make the trip with all those snakes and the stress would be horrible for them. That’s the kind of craziness you get with a sociopath.

ooh has anyone read the story about the young woman walking in the forest in winter, who let a poisonous snake convince her to pick it up and keep it warm, then it pretty much bit her, said screw you and left her to die in the snow. yeah, i feel like her.

Eliza,
He would shoot a child before an animal but he works in Child protection services? Mass emailed his penis? Sounds like you’ve gotten out early and count your blessings. They can explain away everything to a point they will have you believing everything they say. Sweetheart, dont ignore your red flags now! Im trying not to be the pot who calls the kettle black but it all starts somewhere and the longer you let it go on the worse it’s gonna be for you to get out! I know from experience and I am still trying to get out. You have found the right place to start

That’s pretty much what they do. They are like walking venomous snakes (no offense to snakes, which I love dearly). It is who they are and what they do. And we are the unlucky few who have had the displeasure of dealing with them. The rest of the world is pretty oblivious.

Believe me anetsu, tip of the iceberg with this wierdo, but he lured me in before he started all of this. The red flags were there, but small, easily explained away, then it escalated, I was already in love. I have stopped it now because of the shooting a child comment. I have a child. And I got scared.

eliza,
if he did that off the bat….you have no idea what was to come. I have beat myself up over letting myself be so stupid for three yrs. I invested so much just waiting for the love they speak but never can produce and my “S” was much like yours in the beginning. wanting me, telling me everything i wanted to hear, making me fall in love. But there ended up several of us that was hearing the same thing but I was the one putting the money out. everyone else were just victims in waiting

Wow, I wonder if the child protection service he works for knows he feels like this. You think someone there might notice something is amiss.

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