Melissa K. Dean was a new lawyer in a new job. All she needed was a new romantic interest. So she posted her profile in Match.com, and received more than 30 responses in the first two days. One of the men started began his message boldly, writing, “Hi Gorgeous!”
For a woman who had long doubted her feminine appeal, the words were irresistible. More words followed—words that seemed to indicate mutual interests and goals, words that appealed to the woman’s sympathies.
Melissa K. Dean tells the story of being seduced by, married to, and then abused by, Jack Cass, a man who claimed to be a former Navy SEAL. It’s a classic story of sociopathic victimization.
Exotic dancer
Dean tells her story in a new book available in the Lovefraud Store, Hi Gorgeous! Starry Eyes and Toxic Lies.
They communicated online and by phone for a short time. Then they met for lunch, which Dean describes early in the book:
Conversation superseded our interest in our salads as we prattled on about various topics, including the characteristics we valued and disliked in potential mates. He spurned spoiled princesses and victim-oriented women, a group that included his mom—a counselor “ahead of her time,” yet victimized by by his Baptist father’s verbal abuse and infidelity with Jack’s piano teacher. He hated civilians, abhorred dishonesty and disloyalty—especially infidelity.
My bleeding heart was moved by his tale of woe, which he fully anticipated. Here was a man who’d been wounded on the battlefields of war and romance. “I let women walk all over me,” he proclaimed. The three purple hearts to which he laid claim paled in comparison to the heart he said was repeatedly broken by women who’d either cheated or bilked him out of money. “Learning to trust is a difficult task for me,” he said.
Can anyone say manipulation?
At one point before meeting Cass, Dean worked as an exotic dancer—that’s how she earned the money to take a prep course for her bar exam. Cass was fascinated by her former stint as a stripper, and after he manipulated Dean into marriage, saw his future in marketing his wife as a sexy model and dancer at biker clubs.
He, of course, had financial problems, child support payments and no steady income. But he had big ideas, which he convinced his wife to participate in. Gradually, he became more and more impatient with Dean’s contributions, and displayed his displeasure through emotional, psychological and sexual abuse.
Message of hope
In their letters to Lovefraud, many people have said their experiences with a sociopath were so outrageous that they should write a book about what happened to them. Melissa Dean has done it.
Many of you, who thought you were the only person on the planet experiencing the abuse and crazy-making of a sociopath, will take comfort in her story. You are not alone. In fact, many of you will recognize yourself, and the person who victimized you, in the tale.
Dean’s book has a happy ending—she escapes and begins to rebuild her life, her way. Her story is proof that you can recover from the abuse. It’s the message of hope and healing we all need.
My X also said he was a SEAL. He also said he worked for the NSA and killed people. When we met, he told me that I “had this aura around me” and that he just had to speak to me. I found several months ago that he had a year and a half affair with a woman, met her in the same place, and told her the same thing as they met. He now hangs out in biker bars with criminals and strippers and was a bouncer for a while. Now he is unemployed. When the stories of covert work became more bizarre and the lies became more evident, I had him investigated. Noting was truthful. I was just a blip on the radar screen of probably the many women he lied to over the years.
Keeping_faith: I just thought of something … maybe all our EXs and people like our EXs … the Madoff’s of the world can be fiction writers … writing screen plays or something.
Hey, everyone was asking what we can do with the likes of them … let’s give them tape recorders in prison and let them create all these off the wall stories. Well, it would have been a good idea when the writers strike was on. (LOL).
Peace.
Wini…..LMAO. There was so much drama in this man’s tales and life in general, it was like a bizarre made for tv movie. AND HE LIKED IT.
The woman who helped me to investigate him from the pownetwork.org said (when I told her he was fired from his job) that maybe he is now working undercover as unemployed…..LOL. I’m sure there is a story to go along with that and I’m sure it is someone else’s fault !!!
I’m going to have to read this book.
Words jumped out of the few paragraphs posted “abhorred dishonesty and disloyalty — especially infidelity”. How my S beat those drums so hard — he was a one-man percussion section.
And Melissa’s reaction: “My bleeding heart was moved by his tale of woe, which he fully anticipated. Here was a man who’d been wounded on the battlefields of war and romance. “I let women walk all over me,” he proclaimed.”
Gay, straight, male, female — know what Melissa heard and her response is the same as what I heard and my response. All directly out of the S playbook. Bet most people here are going to have the same reaction I did to those paragraphs.
Ah, yes, they are “broken” and they need US to fix them, help them overcome the trauma of their earlier lives. How we fall for that tale of woe. Just like my poor son, in prison and suffering and needs mommie to send him money and when she dies and he finally gets out on parole to leave him enough money to live well without working. POOOOOOR BABY has spent his whole life suffering at the hands of the a$$h0le guards who persecute him. Pooooooor baby!
I just broke up my “The broken apply here” sign and I am out of the “FIX-IT” business.
match.com? that’s where i met my psychopath! i thought he’d broken up with his girlfriend (the one he secured before discarding me) because i searched his “user name” and there he was!
but they are still dating. he either hides or deactivates his profile because it doesn’t show up in searches now. this makes it easier for predators.
I met my prince charming on match.com, too. And he had a “secret profile” up during the last months of our relationship. I didn’t even think to look for a profile on match.com while we were in a relationship. We were in love! We were living together! Who does that? We know….
To be fair to match – I know some great couples who are both kind and loving people who met on match. But match is a dangerous place, too, and has a significant population of S’s and N’s.
Your story sounds so painful, Morgan. These guys (and girls) are absolutely unbelievable – the devastation they are willing to wreak on others is unbelievable.
Morgan and Healing Heart:
Match.com. Every time I hear that idiot Dr Phil blathering on about it I want to hurl.
I was watching Kathy Griffin on TV this afternoon and she so has his number. She said “He’s not even a real doctor. He’s a botanist for God’s sake.”
A botanist. Sure makes him an expert on relationships.
From here on in, forget Dr Phil. Next relationship, I’ll consult my philodendron. And I’ll probably get better advice.
It isn’t just match.com it is all internet dating sites I believe. Sure there probably ARE some good people on there, but how can you tell the difference at first? It is like putting your hand into a barrel of snakes and hoping there isn’t a poisonous one in there. With my luck the whole barrel would be full of pit vipers! LOL
I reread this post and another phrase jumped out at me:
“He, of course, had financial problems … But he had big ideas, which he convinced his wife to participate in. Gradually, he became more and more impatient with Dean’s contributions, and displayed his displeasure through emotional, psychological and sexual abuse.”
My S is a financial trainwreck — 15 judgements against him, 3 more cases pending. But, boy, that didn’t stop his big ideas. He wanted “us” to buy a hotel, restaurant and bar that had gone on the market in another state.
Naturally, I would have been the only one on the hook to the banks, since he didn’t have 2 nickels to rub together. Of course, he also seemed to conveniently overlook the fact that CONVICTED FELONS CAN’T GET LIQUOR LICENSES.
And then there was the gift shop idea in a resort community. And then there was the clothing store. He was a veritable font of big ideas. All on somebody else’s dime.
And on. And on. And on. Of course, all would be on my dime.
Thank God I never let myself get sucked into any of his schemes. Or, today I would be owning that hotel, restaurant and bar. And that gift shop. And that clothing store.
Of course, no matter how much I gave, my contributions were never enough. I’ll never forget when I was taking him on vacation to Greece (as always, I paid) and he asked me how many hours it was to Athens. I told him 10. He said “Oh. I’m not sure I can fly 10 hours in coach.”
Friends of mine now tell me “And you didn’t dump him right then and there?” But, by then I was so accustomed to his displeasure with me that my conditioned response kicked in and I just took it. I cringe with embarrassment at the memories.