Melissa K. Dean was a new lawyer in a new job. All she needed was a new romantic interest. So she posted her profile in Match.com, and received more than 30 responses in the first two days. One of the men started began his message boldly, writing, “Hi Gorgeous!”
For a woman who had long doubted her feminine appeal, the words were irresistible. More words followed—words that seemed to indicate mutual interests and goals, words that appealed to the woman’s sympathies.
Melissa K. Dean tells the story of being seduced by, married to, and then abused by, Jack Cass, a man who claimed to be a former Navy SEAL. It’s a classic story of sociopathic victimization.
Exotic dancer
Dean tells her story in a new book available in the Lovefraud Store, Hi Gorgeous! Starry Eyes and Toxic Lies.
They communicated online and by phone for a short time. Then they met for lunch, which Dean describes early in the book:
Conversation superseded our interest in our salads as we prattled on about various topics, including the characteristics we valued and disliked in potential mates. He spurned spoiled princesses and victim-oriented women, a group that included his mom—a counselor “ahead of her time,” yet victimized by by his Baptist father’s verbal abuse and infidelity with Jack’s piano teacher. He hated civilians, abhorred dishonesty and disloyalty—especially infidelity.
My bleeding heart was moved by his tale of woe, which he fully anticipated. Here was a man who’d been wounded on the battlefields of war and romance. “I let women walk all over me,” he proclaimed. The three purple hearts to which he laid claim paled in comparison to the heart he said was repeatedly broken by women who’d either cheated or bilked him out of money. “Learning to trust is a difficult task for me,” he said.
Can anyone say manipulation?
At one point before meeting Cass, Dean worked as an exotic dancer—that’s how she earned the money to take a prep course for her bar exam. Cass was fascinated by her former stint as a stripper, and after he manipulated Dean into marriage, saw his future in marketing his wife as a sexy model and dancer at biker clubs.
He, of course, had financial problems, child support payments and no steady income. But he had big ideas, which he convinced his wife to participate in. Gradually, he became more and more impatient with Dean’s contributions, and displayed his displeasure through emotional, psychological and sexual abuse.
Message of hope
In their letters to Lovefraud, many people have said their experiences with a sociopath were so outrageous that they should write a book about what happened to them. Melissa Dean has done it.
Many of you, who thought you were the only person on the planet experiencing the abuse and crazy-making of a sociopath, will take comfort in her story. You are not alone. In fact, many of you will recognize yourself, and the person who victimized you, in the tale.
Dean’s book has a happy ending—she escapes and begins to rebuild her life, her way. Her story is proof that you can recover from the abuse. It’s the message of hope and healing we all need.
Eliza:
I repeat — By George I think she’s got it!
I have to tell you, from what you’re telling me, I’m not so sure he’s trying to get you to feel sorry that he has to repress his sexuality. I don’t think he’s baiting you to see you reaction. I think what he’s doing is driving you to discover that he is gay so YOU will be the one to break it off because he doesn’t have the balls to do so.
Mine would have screwed a knot hole in a fence if it got him whatever it was his cold little heart desired at the moment.
I have broken it off many times, he keeps coming back. Acting like he can’t wait to be in my bed again. Perplexing.
Eliza:
I think you need to stop trying to stop trying to figure out what feelings are driving him to do what he does.
He keeps coming back because he still thinks there’s something to be had. Plain and simple.
End of the day we are a source of resources to them. Resources. Resources equal supply. Supply and demand. We supply, they demand.
How does it make you feel to think that way about yourself? That you are a resource. Not very good, I can say, speaking from personal experience.
I hate it. It makes me angry. I know that he does view me as a source, of what I have no effing idea. I have no money, I am a single mother. I am funny and intelligent, two things that I know he is incapable of appreciating. But you are right, it isn’t worth the effort of trying to figure out. It is just such a mind f—. I hate it. I hate feeling not good enough to get his attention. I hate feeling like nothing. I am sure he would love to know he makes me feel that way.
Eliza: his motivations are nothing like your motivations. You are trying to understand him by projecting on him the way that YOU operate. He isn’t like that, and you will never understand him by assuming that he thinks like you. If you actually GET how he thinks, you’ll be sick to your stomach. It is alien to us compassionate people.
Yes, Eliza, he would love to know that he made you feel so bad. That’s what they enjoy doing, along with taking everything they can take.
Well as I have said, it just helps to say these things about the sadism I have endured, that I haven’t been able to say. Because they have just been in my brain being destructive, and I don’t want them there anymore. I appreciate the responses.
Eliza: Remember this is not about YOUR disorder, it’s about his. You’re OK. He’s NOT OK. That makes this whole issue so strange and challenging for us to get our heads around. Hang in there. You’ve got lots of support.
Matt,
My ex’S’/partner used sex as a weopen as well. At first it was tears in her eyes that said it was so real, then she gave it to everyone else(lol) and it became normal for her after every fight just like clockwork to text me ,leave me a voice message, or to just come out of her “I hate you attitude” and say something to the effect of I really need you to f*** me right now or I am so needing you physically it hurts!. She told me once after our first huge fight when she kind of got the clue I was nearing the end and had caught on to her that she really needed to talk to me. She told me she was molested by an uncle and I believed it because she was so convincing. Still to this day I dont know if it is the truth but my heart went out to her. She had recently before had to go out of town for her grandfathers funeral and I couldnt attend so the story sounded even more truthful when she told me she was around him for the first time in yrs at the funeral and she freaked out. I was so sympathetic and it essentially bought her more time. A couple months after that her father called and said he was coming into town and he was going to stay with us, when he showed up he had his brother with him and he was going to stay with us too. We were all sitting around and chit chatting, having a good time, laughing and it dawned on me! The brother was “supposedly” the “uncle molester” I watched all the interactions and it didn’t seem like she was freaked out at all! She was even overly accommodating to “the uncle” I wanted to pull him off in the corner and just confront him but at the same time I knew I could be making myself look like a huge idiot. After their visit was over, I couldn’t wait to confront her if my assumptions were correct if that was “the uncle” or not. her response, “Yeah, but I have forgiven him and there isnt any reason to make a big deal out of it!!!!!
Which leads me to believe their may a common denominator in sociopaths and how they use sex to fill their needs. Whether they are getting it,giving it, or making up stories about it, they know they can use it as a tool. Sexual relations between humans,mammals, or anything else is an inate drive of the psychy. It can be a strength, it can be a weakness, but it also be an excellent manipulation tool. Either way it is used or “misused” it reaps benefits of satisfaction. So its a win/win situation for the sociopath. May also be a refelection of self esteem issues. I dont know how many times my ex(who is actually very attractive and she knew it) would come home and tell me about people at stop lights that would ask her out or follow her, or she went to a bar with friends and was asked out but she said she “Always turned them down” and you could see the gleam in her eye as she was saying the words telling me all this stuff! She didnt realize that after I had already caught her cheating three times before that, that she was actually showing me that she was the one sending the “signals out” to begin with. The bad thing is….they really believe in the control they think they have by doing this because it takes weak normal people a long time to figure it out. And when we do of course it is always our fault
Sociopaths seem to have giant egos and think very highly of themselves, especially in the looks/sex department. Mine had it too. He used to tell me that one of the reasons his wife married him was that he was so good in bed. They are doing this to feed their own ego and destroy our self esteem. It’s part of their game. A truly loving partner will not tell you how many other woman want them. He/she will tell you how wonderful YOU are and build YOUR ego. It hurts so bad when you get your self-esteem and self-worth tied up in what the sociopath thinks of you.
Mine was younger than me and very attractive to me. When he discarded me, I felt like the worst scum on the face of the earth. Old, ugly, unlovable. The crisis with him (and the midlife crisis I’m going through) has forced me to see my own inner beauty. This is not dependent on what anyone thinks of you. This is what shines through that makes you attractive to others. It has nothing to do with what a sociopath thinks. A sociopath’s attractions are fickle and change with the wind. They has nothing to do with the price of rice in China!