Melissa K. Dean was a new lawyer in a new job. All she needed was a new romantic interest. So she posted her profile in Match.com, and received more than 30 responses in the first two days. One of the men started began his message boldly, writing, “Hi Gorgeous!”
For a woman who had long doubted her feminine appeal, the words were irresistible. More words followed—words that seemed to indicate mutual interests and goals, words that appealed to the woman’s sympathies.
Melissa K. Dean tells the story of being seduced by, married to, and then abused by, Jack Cass, a man who claimed to be a former Navy SEAL. It’s a classic story of sociopathic victimization.
Exotic dancer
Dean tells her story in a new book available in the Lovefraud Store, Hi Gorgeous! Starry Eyes and Toxic Lies.
They communicated online and by phone for a short time. Then they met for lunch, which Dean describes early in the book:
Conversation superseded our interest in our salads as we prattled on about various topics, including the characteristics we valued and disliked in potential mates. He spurned spoiled princesses and victim-oriented women, a group that included his mom—a counselor “ahead of her time,” yet victimized by by his Baptist father’s verbal abuse and infidelity with Jack’s piano teacher. He hated civilians, abhorred dishonesty and disloyalty—especially infidelity.
My bleeding heart was moved by his tale of woe, which he fully anticipated. Here was a man who’d been wounded on the battlefields of war and romance. “I let women walk all over me,” he proclaimed. The three purple hearts to which he laid claim paled in comparison to the heart he said was repeatedly broken by women who’d either cheated or bilked him out of money. “Learning to trust is a difficult task for me,” he said.
Can anyone say manipulation?
At one point before meeting Cass, Dean worked as an exotic dancer—that’s how she earned the money to take a prep course for her bar exam. Cass was fascinated by her former stint as a stripper, and after he manipulated Dean into marriage, saw his future in marketing his wife as a sexy model and dancer at biker clubs.
He, of course, had financial problems, child support payments and no steady income. But he had big ideas, which he convinced his wife to participate in. Gradually, he became more and more impatient with Dean’s contributions, and displayed his displeasure through emotional, psychological and sexual abuse.
Message of hope
In their letters to Lovefraud, many people have said their experiences with a sociopath were so outrageous that they should write a book about what happened to them. Melissa Dean has done it.
Many of you, who thought you were the only person on the planet experiencing the abuse and crazy-making of a sociopath, will take comfort in her story. You are not alone. In fact, many of you will recognize yourself, and the person who victimized you, in the tale.
Dean’s book has a happy ending—she escapes and begins to rebuild her life, her way. Her story is proof that you can recover from the abuse. It’s the message of hope and healing we all need.
I don’t even know how to really address the fact that I don’t think I will ever even be able to see sex in a normal way again. Sex is what I was used for. Nothing else that I can recognize, other than he seemed to enjoy making me feel inferior. He reduced me from smart, attractive, creative, funny, original, to just sex. And it was good, great even, but sickeningly unsatisfying. He talked about the others in graphic detail. He asked me to find a woman for a threesome. Actually put that in a list of sex rules that he emailed me one day.
I feel like I was with an S who used sex to get what he wants (IE the chubby ugly girl he screwed during the autumn for soccer tickets). But he just used me for sex. Is that not normal????He didn’t even like me enough to try to exploit me further. I said please leave me alone I don’t want to be used for sex and he sent me an email “what if I don’t want to…”
He didn’t even really try to get anything more from me aside from making me purchase condoms. He never romanced me or took me on dates or so much as bought me a beer either though. Just rough, sometimes violent sex. He just kept coming back.
Eliza,
He saw you coming girl! You had the whole package! Looks,smarts,and the weakness of being a good person and believing his every lie. However, initially he picked you our for a reason and he got it! You DID like the sex and he knew he had ya at that point and it was going to be his weakness he used over and over and over. So if you are like me, when you realize that one thing that held you there and at the same time it made ya feel really stupid it makes you feel even more stupid! I was very confident, thought of myself as fairly attractive, definitely in shape at my age, and had everything going for me. Except I was a lesbian but if I didn’t tell ya you would never know it. I had few relationships because most of “the gay womens circle” in my town werent my type. I wanted someone more “feminine” so when I found my ‘S’ I thought I’d died and went to heaven! She was georgeous. But she soon learned that was my weakness and used it to her full effect. She once told me after 7 months of being together, she didnt consider herself a lesbian! Im like what? I started digging dirt on her and found she had been married to two men. One she divorced when he was in Desert Storm serving and just sent him papers over seas. She had at least one civil union with a woman in Colorado which explained the tattoo across her right breast. Another woman had a child by some means and had given the child her last name, a man in my town had actually gotten her pregnant and she had aborted a very late term abortion.(which ended up being one of the strange numbers on her cell phone I provided to her) after we had been together a year. the list goes on… the longer you would have stayed with this man he would have preyed on your every weakness and went on about his business with no conscience whatsoever. i wish i had gotten out as early as you
Anetsu: I understand what you mean. I’m feeling pretty stupid right now. I’m trying not to think that way, but it is how I am feeling.
Hi everybody, Plowman here. Been reading the responses to my post and the newer ones, too. It’s made me open my eyes to this whole thing and as I retrace my steps with my ex, there were several things WAY out of place in the relationship. This relationship was a keg of gunpwder and one of us always had the match too close to the fuse. It was as toxic as they come.
With regards to her ego and how great she thought she was, my ex seemed to think wearing revealing clothing somehow made her feel better and thought I wanted her as a trophy wife! She said I was being insecure. Hey, I’m all for dressing up but when you’re looking to draw attention to yourself, I’ll raise an eyebrow. I told her I just didn’t understand why she needed to wear revealing clothing when we went out, but you’re not advertising unless you want customers.
I remember when she was fired from her job from stealing all that money, her mother was upset that none of the co-workers tipped her off about it before the police came to arrest her. Apparently, the store owner told the other girls they’d be terminated if they mentioned anything to my ex. One of these girls talked to my ex’s Mom and told her she’d be terminated if she mentioned anything but my ex’s Mom thought that was ridiculous. Isn’t it funny how my ex’s Mom didn’t bring herself to tell me about her daughter’s cheating and lying behind my back for almost a year? She didn’t feel it was her or her husbands place, but felt former employees should risk their jobs at the expense of her thief of a daughter? That, my friends, is called a ‘contradiction’. I’ve made my peace with the store owner, by the way now that I know everything.
Not long after her friend ‘Frank’ bailed her out of jail, I came to her parents mutual birthday party and she came to my Dad’s 80th birthday a week later (June 1st) and met members of my Dad’s side of the family, most of whom she never met. I was introducing her as my girlfriend and as I’m doing this, she’s not raising an eyebrow, questioning it or pulling me aside and asking me why I’m introducing her that way. She never brought it up in the car or at the house, either. We were initmate a few weeks after that. 3 weeks after that I hear she marrying some guy she’d been dating since April. In the span of a few hours on Saturday July 10th, she met another guy, cheated on me with him, broke up with me, got engaged and planned a wedding.
I have been going to therapy since July ’08 because this was all unfamiliar territory for me. I’d never had as long a relationship as this past one and never had someone keep me around for convenience until they were in another relationship and then just throw me aside like that. My therapist thinks when I asked her through voice mail if her fiance knew about her God-awful past that it triggered something in her and that’s what caused her to completely sever it with me. It was as if she was afraid I would tell him about it, which I almost did but decided not to. I also remember calling her mother and asking her if this was all true and her mother didn’t sound at all apologetic. She just siomply said ‘Well, you two have had a rough road’ and made it sound as though her daughter ying-yanging me around justifed us having a rough road.
The mutual friend, who’s wedding we were both in and who I did meet through my ex, ultimately became her maid of honor. I asked her how she could put herself in that position when she knew how shitty I was treated but she explained it was in her best interest to remain nuetral and be there for both of us. She told me she accepted my ex’s reasons for us not working out but when I asked her what they were, she didn’t know. I then asked ‘Well, then how can you accept them?!?!?! She shit all over my life and planned her getaway and lied to me, cheated on me, deceived me and manipulated me for close to a year THEN tells me never to call her again- and you take the position of maid of honor for her?!?!? You only met the groom once before this whole thing. Shouldn’t you know the groom, too?!?!?!’ I tried to use some reverse psychology and played out a scenario and asked her how she would feel if I did the same thing my ex and asked her husband to be my bext man. She said if I knew him longer, she would have no problem with it. I told her quality of a friendship meant nothing next to quanity, huh? I also told her because she lived out of state she does’t see or talk to my ex as much as I used to and other people here as well. I then reiterated everything that happened and how I though my ex was a sociopath based on her behavorial characterstics and she told me she thought I was just reaching for excuses why it didn’t work out and that one doesn’t become a sociopath overnight and I agreed to that and said if you look at her past, she fits the description of a sociopath. I told her I had my reasons why it didn’t work out but they were never told to me because my ex was playing games and knew what she was doing and wouldn’t cut me loose unitl she was ready to jump onto another train. As a result, our friendship isn’t what it was because I feel a sense of betrayal with her, too, much like I feel with my ex’s parents.
Another friend I met through my ex that I am still close with was also asked to be in the wedding but couldn’t bring herself to being in it because she had been taken advantage of by my ex, too, and saw what I was going through and how shitty it was to play games with my feelings for that length of time and then cut me loose without warning and without any explanation or apology. She and her husband have severed all ties with her and I’ve remained very close to them. They were the ones that inItially said ‘AFTER KNOWING WHAT YOU KNOW, DID YOU HONESTLY WANT TO MARRY THIS WOMAN?!?!?!
I feel like she got away with she did to me. I feel like I took a beating and did nothing to defend myself or fight back. If I were to ever see her again, I may have an impulse to beat the hell out of her. My way of thinking is this: If you can’t feel any emotional pain over this, you’re damn sure going to feel physical pain. But, I realize that would really set me back majorly and give her all the ammo she needs to tell people why she broke up with me. So, I’ll just continue to take the high road and hopefully, Karma decides what to do with her.
Hope everybody has a great day and trust me whe I tell you: we will all get past or sociopath ex’s and live to love another day……
Yep he did see me coming for sure. ugh.
eliza. i think we were with the same guy but they all sound the same and do the same awful things. when i first was with my ex we made love and he cried cause he said it was so beautiful real tears. then after we broke up when i found out about all his crap, we would be making love and we had a mirrored robe in our room at the end of the bed he would be lookin at himself in it while we made love. he was very into his looks skin care hair clothes shoes , and working out looking fit with muscles. when we first started to go out he knew i liked muscles he did not have any then but now he is like that since he left me he has worked on being that. he use to come over when we broke up to catch up he would ssay but he never wanted to go out or spend any money on me take me any where evn if it was my birthday, he just wanted to have sex and i suspect he was with other wwoman too. the movie american phsyco reminds me of him too. also watch one called match point if you can its the same reminded me of him so much not funny.i want to actually keep him sort of in touch sso when i find my perfect gorgeous man and get married i want to invite him to the wedding and watch him squirm with jelousy that will be my karma for all he put me through. i can see his face when he recieves the invite in the mail. he would say to me whne were together i want to marry you and have babies with you i never felt like this b efore with anyone but i do with you. so much to tell what he did to me, i would rather wake with someone who thinks how beautiful i am not me thinking how beautiful they are and how they know it. the thing i am realising to once youve caught them out they will never stop the revenge and punishing . no mater wether they say your friends or what. i just know we wil all win in the end they are fake i want someone real, and i know i will find that. i believe they make pain for them selfs as much as they do hurt others.
Dear Plowman,
Glad you have found LoveFRaud and I suggest that you keep on reading and reading and reading and working through all the angry emotions that you have—-anger that is very justified and normal! (considering the situation)
It is difficult when people we think are our “friends” stay “neutral” (they weren’t our friends to start with either) and that is unfortunately a great deal of the numbers of people we interact with on a “friendly basis.”
Many people who are otherwise “good” people don’t realize how badly we have been soul-raped. There are others who try to stay “friendly” with some people no matter what they do.
I have found that I have to cut these people out of my life as well, or at worst, interact occasionally in a very SUPERFISCIAL way, like if I encounter the “friends” that are “neutaral” say at some social event, I just don’t discuss anything but the “weather” with them, and quickly move on. Fortunately for me, these occasions are rare.
Learning about the psychopaths (what makes them tick) and their motivations (emotional vampires) and then learning about yourself (WHY YOU?) and wht it is that made you vulnerable in the first place. Why did you fall for such a crook? All these things give you back your POWER to heal, to become a stronger, better person in the end and a WISER person, able to distinguish the “red flags” that these people wave as danger signals if we can recognize them for what they are.
Sounds like the “apple didn’t fall far from the tree” with your X and her mother!
Glad you found your way here, Plowman! God bless you on your healing journey. It does get better!
Jules,
I wish that it were possible to get that kind of revenge on a sociopath. But in order for them to get jealous, they would have to give a crap about us, and they don’t, they just want control. And one human being is easily interchangeable with another unfortunately. When you find that hot amazing guy that you think enough of to marry, you should be so in love and satisfied that the S isn’t even on your radar anymore. Get that asshole out of your life for good, and don’t settle for anyone who doesn’t make you giddy like a schoolgirl.
You know I just can’t seem to wrap my brain around the fact that my S intentionally lied to me, and took me for a small fortune. I don’t understand how someone does that and sleeps at night! Wreaking destruction, all the games…
I haven’t talked to him in over a month, not emails, nothing, but he still sends me innuendo style threats and there is nothing I can do. It blows my mind that they are so protected by the law and all the things they can do and we can do nothing in return. How can this not be wrong under the law? I’ve talked to so many people, government officials and even an attorney and they all say the same thing. It’s just too hard to prove. And since he styles himself an attorney (does research-yea right, on how to break the law and get away with it), he’s got all of his bases covered. It’ll take me years to recover financially, if I ever can.
And you know what the sick part is, I think of him all the time, it’s like he’s infected my head. I just want to move on and I can’t. I hurt so much… I feel pathetic, used, embarassed and so incredibly angry I can hardly see straight.