Melissa K. Dean was a new lawyer in a new job. All she needed was a new romantic interest. So she posted her profile in Match.com, and received more than 30 responses in the first two days. One of the men started began his message boldly, writing, “Hi Gorgeous!”
For a woman who had long doubted her feminine appeal, the words were irresistible. More words followed—words that seemed to indicate mutual interests and goals, words that appealed to the woman’s sympathies.
Melissa K. Dean tells the story of being seduced by, married to, and then abused by, Jack Cass, a man who claimed to be a former Navy SEAL. It’s a classic story of sociopathic victimization.
Exotic dancer
Dean tells her story in a new book available in the Lovefraud Store, Hi Gorgeous! Starry Eyes and Toxic Lies.
They communicated online and by phone for a short time. Then they met for lunch, which Dean describes early in the book:
Conversation superseded our interest in our salads as we prattled on about various topics, including the characteristics we valued and disliked in potential mates. He spurned spoiled princesses and victim-oriented women, a group that included his mom—a counselor “ahead of her time,” yet victimized by by his Baptist father’s verbal abuse and infidelity with Jack’s piano teacher. He hated civilians, abhorred dishonesty and disloyalty—especially infidelity.
My bleeding heart was moved by his tale of woe, which he fully anticipated. Here was a man who’d been wounded on the battlefields of war and romance. “I let women walk all over me,” he proclaimed. The three purple hearts to which he laid claim paled in comparison to the heart he said was repeatedly broken by women who’d either cheated or bilked him out of money. “Learning to trust is a difficult task for me,” he said.
Can anyone say manipulation?
At one point before meeting Cass, Dean worked as an exotic dancer—that’s how she earned the money to take a prep course for her bar exam. Cass was fascinated by her former stint as a stripper, and after he manipulated Dean into marriage, saw his future in marketing his wife as a sexy model and dancer at biker clubs.
He, of course, had financial problems, child support payments and no steady income. But he had big ideas, which he convinced his wife to participate in. Gradually, he became more and more impatient with Dean’s contributions, and displayed his displeasure through emotional, psychological and sexual abuse.
Message of hope
In their letters to Lovefraud, many people have said their experiences with a sociopath were so outrageous that they should write a book about what happened to them. Melissa Dean has done it.
Many of you, who thought you were the only person on the planet experiencing the abuse and crazy-making of a sociopath, will take comfort in her story. You are not alone. In fact, many of you will recognize yourself, and the person who victimized you, in the tale.
Dean’s book has a happy ending—she escapes and begins to rebuild her life, her way. Her story is proof that you can recover from the abuse. It’s the message of hope and healing we all need.
blew me away,
My S studied law in his spare time so that he could masquerade as an attorney. I think he believed he was one, not registered with the BARR though, nope and nope.
No they have no issues sleeping, I doubt that they can even dream. I think that when they die, they don’t go to heaven or hell, they just cease to exist. Turn to dust, because that is all that they have ever really been. The only hope for continued life is maybe if there is such a thing as reincarnation, maybe they could come back as a pimple, and if they do a good job as a pimple, maybe they could move up to one of those flies that always hangs around on poo.
blew me away, eliza
I think I am going to think of the X/S as just that….an infection. Maybe that will help me forget and to also stop obsessing. Mine also did just enough to stay above the law. Stalked and harassed me for months. The police said they won’t approach him because he “sounded like a nut”. He finally stopped when I told him I would call his daughter and make sure everyone knows all the lies about him.
Said he had a degree from U of New Mexico…..nope. Said he did well on the entrance exam for med school but he couldn’t afford it……nope. Said he earned $180,000 a year (as they say in VA “HELL NO). Said he bought his house on a golf course from an elderly woman….just randomly knocked on her door. (That must have been his aunt who gave him the house when she died.) Said he bought his lake house working three jobs so his wife could stay home…..NO, they are all basically lazy (another aunt gave him securities he sold to buy the house.) Said his wife gave him herpes that she got from a towel(stop laughing). Said his daughter’s friend are always hitting on him….all I can say to that is EWEEEEEEEEE. Shall I go on? That’s not the half of it. The FBI are aware of him because he lied about being a SEAL and POW.
blew me away and k_F,
I am working through the humiliation of being duped as well. I haven’t been strong during this whole year thing. I didn’t call him out on his crap early enough, not often enough. And the worst of it is, deep down I always knew it, I sensed the BS. And I am angry with ELIZA for doubting eliza. It hasn’t even been a week since my last conversation with the S. He wasn’t worth the sacrifice of ME. And I lost myself in HIS madness. He took from me. He robbed me of myself, he raped me because he slept with me disguised as someone that could love me, he abused my trust. I refuse to live my life as a fraction of what I was because of him. My vengence will be to grow and become better, smarter, funnier, wiser. I will do what he can never do, because I am better than him, I always was, he knew it, and I honestly think that is why he wanted to take me down. SORRY, just feeling very passionate and resolute at the moment.
Oh, more Navy SEALs on this thread? Gosh, golly! They’re everywhere!
eliza, It’s happened to the best of us. Forgive yourself early on. That’ was the worst part of it all for me. Self Blame, Self doubt and not being forgiving enough to myself.
YES, we do need to forgive OURSELVES. Forgiveness is for the soul bearing. We deserve forgiveness, because what we did, we only did with the intentions of offering love to someone else. We didn’t know that it was in vain, we didn’t mean to hurt ourselves. I can imagine forgiving me. I am beginning to.
It has been a year and three months since I told him to f— off for lying to me the last time. I had contact with him twice in April……BIGGEST mistake. I still struggle some days but it does get better a little at a time. Be patient with yourself. But the only way is to stay NO CONTACT. They suck you back in. I was too forgiving!
I started trying to cut contact after three months. After five, I realized I was dealing with a sociopath (spent A LOT of time on the internet trying to figure out wtf was happening to me). I would stop talking to him for a week, get sucked back in, two weeks, back in. I know how easily I am hypnotized by him again. I honestly still can’t quite put my finger on how he charms me. IT IS SO DAMN SUBTLE. I hate to feel outsmarted by an idiot. It is too natural to him. I have always thought that it was a very good thing to give people the benefit of the doubt, I even had that in my myspace about me, “I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt”. Bet he saw that but interpreted it as “I am a huge sucker, let me grab my ankles for you” Well I don’t do that from now on! I won’t be that easy on anyone again keeping faith. WOW, over a year, I will be so proud when I get to 3 weeks! Thank you for your encouragement, you rock sister.
Eliza, when you talked about your ex and his short bald friend who never got laid, I immediately thought of Seinfeld and George Kastanza. lol
Here’s the deal with these S’s. If they stay in your lives in any way, you will continually deal with rage and fantasies of revenge. You will never be able to really get even, because they are just too charming and will always have others to fool. So pick your battles wisely. If you are able to make a clean break, even by leaving town, you can get on with your life more quickly. It may take time, but eventually the obsessive thoughts will die down, and you will purge the acute pain out of your system. At that crucial point, you must decide if it’s worth it to bring the S back, even to exact revenge on him/her. If you decide to turn the S in, all the anger will return because he will not accept any responsibility for his behavior. Is it worth it?
I was fortunate in that my ex was in the army, and they have strict rules. It was pretty easy to make him pay for what he did to me. Not only did he commit adultery with me (lying about his wife), but when I turned him in for adultery, the army told me they suspected him of malingering. That means he was faking a limp and speech impediment to get a medical discharge. He claimed he had a head injury but the grenade that went off was nowhere near him at the time. The army felt he was lying but had no evidence….until they heard from me out of the blue about his adultery. They asked me and my friends who met him to write sworn statements saying he had no limp or other disabilities. There are a total of 5 statements I think. I had no idea he was involved in this giant con against the army (and ultimately the taxpayers who pay his salary and pension!) I believe his goose is cooked now. I had my revenge opportunity handed to me on a silver platter. And I have to admit, it was delicious. I am waiting to hear what the punishment will be.
However, when he does get discharged, whatever happens, he may return to our mutual internet reptile forum where we met. In that case I will have to walk away from it cold turkey, even though I am a very active member there. I would love to warn the forum members, but they would not believe me. Many of them already have been charmed by him and think he’s great. Sadly, this is the closest he will ever get to having real friends.
There is also a slim chance he will come after me, though I don’t think he cares enough to do that. He’s a pretty laid back type of sociopath. Nothing seems to bother him. He can look right at you and lie straight faced, and you would never know it, because he never cracks.
Oh, BTW, I took my profile down off the free dating site after reading this entire thread.