Melissa K. Dean was a new lawyer in a new job. All she needed was a new romantic interest. So she posted her profile in Match.com, and received more than 30 responses in the first two days. One of the men started began his message boldly, writing, “Hi Gorgeous!”
For a woman who had long doubted her feminine appeal, the words were irresistible. More words followed—words that seemed to indicate mutual interests and goals, words that appealed to the woman’s sympathies.
Melissa K. Dean tells the story of being seduced by, married to, and then abused by, Jack Cass, a man who claimed to be a former Navy SEAL. It’s a classic story of sociopathic victimization.
Exotic dancer
Dean tells her story in a new book available in the Lovefraud Store, Hi Gorgeous! Starry Eyes and Toxic Lies.
They communicated online and by phone for a short time. Then they met for lunch, which Dean describes early in the book:
Conversation superseded our interest in our salads as we prattled on about various topics, including the characteristics we valued and disliked in potential mates. He spurned spoiled princesses and victim-oriented women, a group that included his mom—a counselor “ahead of her time,” yet victimized by by his Baptist father’s verbal abuse and infidelity with Jack’s piano teacher. He hated civilians, abhorred dishonesty and disloyalty—especially infidelity.
My bleeding heart was moved by his tale of woe, which he fully anticipated. Here was a man who’d been wounded on the battlefields of war and romance. “I let women walk all over me,” he proclaimed. The three purple hearts to which he laid claim paled in comparison to the heart he said was repeatedly broken by women who’d either cheated or bilked him out of money. “Learning to trust is a difficult task for me,” he said.
Can anyone say manipulation?
At one point before meeting Cass, Dean worked as an exotic dancer—that’s how she earned the money to take a prep course for her bar exam. Cass was fascinated by her former stint as a stripper, and after he manipulated Dean into marriage, saw his future in marketing his wife as a sexy model and dancer at biker clubs.
He, of course, had financial problems, child support payments and no steady income. But he had big ideas, which he convinced his wife to participate in. Gradually, he became more and more impatient with Dean’s contributions, and displayed his displeasure through emotional, psychological and sexual abuse.
Message of hope
In their letters to Lovefraud, many people have said their experiences with a sociopath were so outrageous that they should write a book about what happened to them. Melissa Dean has done it.
Many of you, who thought you were the only person on the planet experiencing the abuse and crazy-making of a sociopath, will take comfort in her story. You are not alone. In fact, many of you will recognize yourself, and the person who victimized you, in the tale.
Dean’s book has a happy ending—she escapes and begins to rebuild her life, her way. Her story is proof that you can recover from the abuse. It’s the message of hope and healing we all need.
LOL Stargazer, that is actually a pretty accurate visual!
Cool for you that you were able to get some sort of vindication. I craved that for a long time, while I was still talking to him I loved him but over time wished I could hurt him, because I wanted to know he could feel something. Then I realized and accepted EVENTUALLY (took a while) that he didn’t feel anything. And the only thing that would satisfy my thirst for revenge, would be to see him writhe in agony because he felt like his heart had been ripped out. And I understand that this will never happen. So I no longer want revenge. I want my effing heart back so I can give it to someone whose personality I don’t have to IMAGINE MYSELF.
My S operates his little harem through myspace and facebook. He blatantly makes his fav sex partners his top friends. Switches them all the time.
Eliza, that’s disgusting (about the facebook and myspace). What is he, 15? I hope you can resist the urge to look. My ex and I met on a reptile forum of which I was the most popular member. He lives about an hour from me. After we split, he continued to post there. So I just left. I didn’t come back until after I knew he was gone. It was hard because I enjoy the site so much. But the trauma was not worth it.
I think having a name for his condition is very powerful. If you can see him clearly for what he is, you can start to let go of the powerful hold he has on you.
I was in love with a very selfish alpha-male for 3 years. We were living together when he discarded me very coldly. For many years I hated him and fantasized about running him over. I knew he just went on to more women, fancy cars, yachts, and whatever else his workaholic lifestyle would support. Then one day I read “How to Spot a Dangerous Man”. There was a chapter about emotionally unavailable men. It fit him to a tee. At that moment I stopped hating him because I realized that whatever woman he ends up with will be very unhappy. In order for him to ever cure himself, he would have to feel so much pain and remorse for how he treated women. Either way, he’s f**cked. It really helps to see them very clearly for what they are.
Stargazer,
Nah, I don’t look. I blocked him, because I knew he wanted me to see it. Wanted me to see that I wasn’t in the tops. He wanted me to see the messages from the other girls. SO I deleted him as a friend so I couldn’t look. Eventually not because of jealousy, but because it hurt my heart to know that each of those girls was experiencing the same as me, I could see it from their messages, the hurt and confusion. Now he is blocked. He can’t get to me.
You are so right that getting some clarity and education helps a great deal. I am so glad I did not try to just chalk this up to his being immature or a jerk, I knew it was more, and if I had not researched I think I would still be in the fog, still trying to please him.
Blew me away, eliza and keeping the faith, I know exactly what you’re feeling regarding your anger and humiliation. I still have days, though not as often, that I could kick the crap out of myself for not seeing this charade of deceit. But, I asked questions when I had my suspicions only to be answered with lie after lie after lie. I know you’re hearing it from all of us with regards to how we feel but please try not to beat yourself up and make it out to be your doing. You didn’t deserve to be ‘soul raped’ as OxDrover put it (great description, by the way!) and you were going with your feelings of optimisim and your good-natured self. At least people like us know we have love to give and that is a fact.
My ex’s middle and younger sisters have been very helpful and supportive for me throughout this whole thing. The girls are not particularly close with my ex partly because they know how selfish she is and the youngest one had a similar event happen with her ex a couple months before my ex messed me up. Well, one of the first people to say how upset she was and how wrong it was for someone to play games behind someone’s back? My ex, playing along like she had compassion for her youngest sister, trying to get me off her the scent of betrayal. The middle sister’s fiance’s mother has been very supportive, too, and told me one day I’m gonna wonder why I was so upset at all of this and that my ex obviously has no self resepct for herself, no self confidence and in due time will miss all I did for her. I trust these women because of the history we have & the christian values they’ve always displayed.
Trust me when I tell you, BMA, E and KTF, I am waiting for the day when I find out she walked in on her husband with some other girl, or he walks in on her with some other guy, or her finds out about her past and breaks it off right then and there and doesn’t fall for her lies and fake tears. If it doesn’t happen, then at least I know I eventually got over her and I’ll be happy either way. I know we’ll all gain a mountain of experience from all of this and become better people as a result. The lessons we carry with us forever seem to be the bitter ones, too. So, let’s not beat oursleves up any longer and act like we knww we were walking into a bad situation because we were hoping for the best and someone else clearly wasn’t – they were hoping to squeeze us for all they get us for and THEY have some major issues to work through.
Then again, they won’t care because they don’t think there’s anything wrong with themselves or what they do, but we all know better and that’s what makes us strong people. We’ll be fine, trust me!
Thanks for your positive reinforcement, too, OxDrover. Everybody have a great night and take care!!!!
Plowman
After reading your story it reminded me of my Ex’s parent too. How her parents never seen to see how dysfunctional she really was which I believe to this day is because they too are just as dysfunctional as she is. I remember once how her own mother lied to my sister when she call her one day after I told my sister that she didn’t live with her parents but how she left the state. And how I was getting calls from her by a Wisconsin phone number. My sister wanted to confirm this herself so she called (blank)’s parents home phone number which is in Illinois .
Sister: I need to talk with (blank)
ex’s mother: oh sorry but (blank) isn’t here now, she is out looking for work.
Sister: oh?
ex’s mother: But if you call back later I will let (blank) know you called.
Sister: No, I won’t be calling you back. Goodbye.
My sister then told me she just hung up the phone..
After this phone conversation my sister call me back and said. You are right James she doesn’t live there.
Also (this is how stupid these people can be) to note. I just talked with her a few hours ago on her boyfriends phone that was listed under a Wisconsin phone number. Of course (blank) didn’t know I knew were she was really at.
Even their own parent will lie for them…..
Plowman
“I feel like she got away with she did to me. I feel like I took a beating and did nothing to defend myself or fight back. If I were to ever see her again, I may have an impulse to beat the hell out of her.”
Even if I can’t condo it, I do know the feeling well. I still to this day don’t ever want to be in the same room with my ex without someone there with me…. You might want to do the same.
Thanks for your response, James. That’s an interesting point about (blank)’s parent lying for her. Yeah, they clearly have some issues of their own and if they can just point-blank lie like that, then they’ve lost control of their parenting skills, in my opinion.
I spoke to a cousin of my ex on her mothers side (her Mom’s younger sister) over New Year’s and she wanted to know how I was doing. She apparently stopped talking to my ex after she was arrested. She didn’t know how or why she became so self absorbed and selfish as they got older. I told her everything from the escort service to the cheating to the deceiving to the constant lying and she made an interesting point that my ex was a compulsive liar when they were kids and it worsened as they got older and she most likely learned it from her Dad. She did not have very flattering things to say about him, either, and said he’d physically and emotionally abused his daughters and wondered why her aunt didn’t leave him years ago. So, right there, things began to come into focus. My ex has some serious unresolved issues with her father and never learned compassion for other people’s feelings. Hearing about the pattern of compulsive lying and the abuse from another family member really woke me up.
I asked my ex’s sisters on two seperate occasions why they think their parents didn’t say anything to me and they both said ‘They wanted to leave it up to her. They didn’t feel it was their place’. I said to them ‘She wasn’t going to tell me. She dated 2 different guys behind my back for close to a year and it should’ve been obvious she had no intentions of telling me.’ They, in so many words then said ‘Well, this is their daughter and they felt it was her place to tell you.’ I said back ‘I don’t give a shit if it’s my brother. What’s wrong is what’s wrong and one of them should’ve had the common decency to see that my feelings were going to get trampled on. A 10 minute conversation would’ve been all I needed. I still would’ve been hurt but at least I would’ve known.’ Clearly, they could give a shit about the sacrifices I made and the things I did for them over the 10 years I was with their daughter. Like I said before, when I called to confirm all of this with the mother, she didn’t at all sound upset about it or even apologize. It was as if they were glad their daughter was getting married and moving out. Then, the mother goes all out to pay for the wedding but I saw no such urgency from her when my ex and I were engaged.
About a month after this all shook out, the youngest daughters ex boyfriend was killed in a motorcycle accident. My ex, for some reason, felt like she should be the one to call me and tell me this. She called twice and both times I hung op on her. I went to the viewing. I told the mother of my ex I was sorry I couldn’t hold onto her and I would’ve loved to have been their son-in-law. She said ‘Well, you know we’ll always think of you as a son.’ I left the viewing thinking, ‘Really? If you couldn’t even bring yourself to tell me something as important as your damn daughter slutting around behind my back, I’m glad I’m not your son!’ That was the last time I saw her. She didn’t even have the decency to come over and try and talk to me. She had her back to me the whole time I was there. 10 years and we’re strangers now.
I sometimes wonder if her parents are as embarrassed for her as they should be. I sometimes wonder if her husband knows about her past like she said he did. Maybe he does and doesn’t really care. Maybe he knows about some of it. I mean, let’s face it – no one in their right mind would marry someone with that type of baggage i.e. compulsive lying, a felony record, working for an escort service, money issues, infidelity, etc. Does she think I honestly believed her whe she said he knew about her past? I wasn’t born yesterday.
Then again, it’s not my problem anymore – it’s her husbands problem now. James, the only thing that would keep me from going after her would be pride and the fact that I don’t want to look bad and give her the satisfaction. I’m sure that’s what she wanted in the beginning but I refuse to give in now. My revenge will be how happy she sees me and in time, it’ll happen. I just wonder if she’s as happy as she thinks she is or if she’s just pretending to be happy. All I know is that she needs someone to feel like someone and that’s never healthy.
plowman,
The kind of post trauma that we experience after life with a sociopath is just like the trauma of a rape. I DO feel like he stole an innocence from me, or my ability to trust.
It’s humiliating but it doesn’t keep me from talking about it. I don’t feel ashamed. I AM angry with myself because I should have ended it earlier when it just didn’t feel right.
As for the family…… I went to his sister with some of his bizarre stories or having worked part time for the NSA and having killed people and told her he needed help. She said something like “maybe this happens to people who have head injuries.” That’s when I knew….. they were all suffering from his abuse and too fearful of doing anything but backing him up. There was no head injury. His adult daughters are just like him. Everyone else is crazy. Their lives are messed up. One is an addict and one keeps jumping from one guy to the next. They cannot be without someone on their arm. And they have an emotionally incestuous relationship. It’s weird to watch them together. His daughter was married for five months and told her father she knew the guy was an alcoholic but married him anyway because her father left her and it made her insecure. The girl is 25. She was living with this guy 4 hours from him when he left her mother. I don’t think her x is an alcoholic. I DO think she surrounds herself with people she can manipulate. Her father has done that now. That’s why our relationship didn’t last long. He couldn’t control me and I questioned stuff that others believe.
Plowman I think the shock of it initially is the worst. Then realizing the recovery can take a long time is hard too. We will be OK. We got out.
Yes, it does feel like a rape. I’ve read in many places that it is “like an emotional rape.” I too am very angry about what he did – furious, enraged. And also very ashamed and angry that I didn’t throw him out sooner. That I stayed in the relationship despite all the red flags in the beginning (enough red flags to sew together into a circus tent) and then that I willingly believed so many of his lies. I remember almost (almost, it wasn’t quite this conscious) wishing that he would tell me believable lies – that he would come up with things that I could believe without too many nagging doubts. But like most S’s, his lies were usually stupid. He just told them with such a straight face that I could believe them. For a while. Until it was outrageous.
I am also really angry about the emotional devastation and shock. I still have intrusive thoughts where I “remember” things that happened that were clearly indicators that he was having sex with someone else – yet I let them go. And I still feel sick to my stomach at times, and have a hard time eating, when I think of the betrayal. I lost something like 20 lbs in the summer/ fall (and I didn’t need to, I was slim to begin with, and then became downright bony). Thankfully I gained it back in November in December as I was feeling better, and then now I’m losing again. I feel like I am regressing in my recovery. I don’t know why – I’m doing the work. It’s like I had a surge of recovery in November and December, and now I’m falling back. I HATE THIS. I hate that this relationship took so much from me. I keep clinging to what so many people are saying – which is that this ends up being a gift, and that you are better for it. I’m not seeing that yet. I feel, at times, like a shadow of my old self.