Melissa K. Dean was a new lawyer in a new job. All she needed was a new romantic interest. So she posted her profile in Match.com, and received more than 30 responses in the first two days. One of the men started began his message boldly, writing, “Hi Gorgeous!”
For a woman who had long doubted her feminine appeal, the words were irresistible. More words followed—words that seemed to indicate mutual interests and goals, words that appealed to the woman’s sympathies.
Melissa K. Dean tells the story of being seduced by, married to, and then abused by, Jack Cass, a man who claimed to be a former Navy SEAL. It’s a classic story of sociopathic victimization.
Exotic dancer
Dean tells her story in a new book available in the Lovefraud Store, Hi Gorgeous! Starry Eyes and Toxic Lies.
They communicated online and by phone for a short time. Then they met for lunch, which Dean describes early in the book:
Conversation superseded our interest in our salads as we prattled on about various topics, including the characteristics we valued and disliked in potential mates. He spurned spoiled princesses and victim-oriented women, a group that included his mom—a counselor “ahead of her time,” yet victimized by by his Baptist father’s verbal abuse and infidelity with Jack’s piano teacher. He hated civilians, abhorred dishonesty and disloyalty—especially infidelity.
My bleeding heart was moved by his tale of woe, which he fully anticipated. Here was a man who’d been wounded on the battlefields of war and romance. “I let women walk all over me,” he proclaimed. The three purple hearts to which he laid claim paled in comparison to the heart he said was repeatedly broken by women who’d either cheated or bilked him out of money. “Learning to trust is a difficult task for me,” he said.
Can anyone say manipulation?
At one point before meeting Cass, Dean worked as an exotic dancer—that’s how she earned the money to take a prep course for her bar exam. Cass was fascinated by her former stint as a stripper, and after he manipulated Dean into marriage, saw his future in marketing his wife as a sexy model and dancer at biker clubs.
He, of course, had financial problems, child support payments and no steady income. But he had big ideas, which he convinced his wife to participate in. Gradually, he became more and more impatient with Dean’s contributions, and displayed his displeasure through emotional, psychological and sexual abuse.
Message of hope
In their letters to Lovefraud, many people have said their experiences with a sociopath were so outrageous that they should write a book about what happened to them. Melissa Dean has done it.
Many of you, who thought you were the only person on the planet experiencing the abuse and crazy-making of a sociopath, will take comfort in her story. You are not alone. In fact, many of you will recognize yourself, and the person who victimized you, in the tale.
Dean’s book has a happy ending—she escapes and begins to rebuild her life, her way. Her story is proof that you can recover from the abuse. It’s the message of hope and healing we all need.
i know we cant ge ral revenge on them cause they dont feel anything. but i was just joking and like t dram abouthim hurting the way i did. i am mostly over him and thinking of my self more these days. but sometimes he still haunts me. but at least i am not ssecond guessing everything he says to me like the next girl hes with will.
Plowman:
“It was as if they were glad their daughter was getting married and moving out.”
Trust me. They were.
My ex-S’s family were wonderful people. They were all great to me.
Healing Heart has it right — S’s families all go along with their nonsense and drama and back them up because they are all terrorized.
When I came along I think S’s family was grateful that someone was taking their problem off their hands for awhile. S has bled them financially and abused them emotionally for a lifetime.
When S was in prison they all turned their backs on him. Personally, I now think that they viewed his incarceration as a vacation. And now that he’s back, it’s business as usual.
Part of me that wants to send them (anonymously) the sociopathic checklist and copies of every default judgment entered against S. Then I realize “what’s the point?” That family dynamic was in place way before I came on the scene and will continue way after I’m gone. He’s their problem.
I’m still furious at what S did to me and the shock of discovering it everything he said was a lie — right down to the words “and” “a” and “the”.
I’m also furious at myself for letting S get away with this and not putting a stop to this wayyyyyyyyyy sooner. What I want most in this world is to be sitting in the courtroom the day he is sentenced to prison. He’ll be back. It’s just a matter of waiting.
You do gradually get to the point that they take up less and less of your mental space. Last night a friend set me up on a blind date. Just meeting for a drink.
S left my head for a couple of hours. I was also shocked to realize that there are people in this world who aren’t sitting there with a sneer on their faces and ready with the putdown. It was a very nice feeling.
“James, the only thing that would keep me from going after her would be pride and the fact that I don’t want to look bad and give her the satisfaction. I’m sure that’s what she wanted in the beginning but I refuse to give in now. My revenge will be how happy she sees me and in time, it’ll happen.”
Yes Plowman and it will happen for both of us now that we are free from them. Taste the freedom for it is truly good and real and wholesome… FREE AT LAST!
It’s so frustrating. I’m a smart, attractive, accomplished, well-liked person. I don’t understand why I put up with so much bullshit from him. I was never that much of a victim before. Yes I have always been a caretaker and a people pleaser…..but I’ve never allowed myself to be treated so terribly. My therapist (to whom I don’t give much credit for her handling of all of this) congratulates me on how quickly I got out. It was only a 9 month relationship – though didn’t go NC until 14 months. But it was way too f–king long. He started to do sketchy things at 4 months, bad things at 5 months, and horrible things at 6 months. Downright abusive. Outright cheating (just about – terrible cover up lies) and then RAGING at me when I called him on it. And I let it go for 9 months. And then I threw him out, but still saw him a few days a month for another 5 months. ARGH. I hate that I let so much of this happen. At this point I am worse for it. I know I’ll be better.
I’ve done some dating, too, Matt. It is nice to see that there are decent people out there – but I just don’t connect with any one. I don’t know if its the pool of available guys in their forties isn’t so great, if the “good ones are taken” or if I’m just too damaged right now to truly connect with any one. I reference him too much in my head, too. When a man tells me I’m beautiful and asks “how can you be single?” I want him to call my ex S and say those things. So obviously I have a huge chip, and I still care. I want him to know how many other men want me. Like I want to prove to him that I am desirable. It feels so pathetic. I don’t want to be this person – I shouldn’t be this person. I am glad that other people see me as attractive, and not as damaged goods, but I feel like damaged goods.
““It was as if they were glad their daughter was getting married and moving out.”
Trust me. They were.”
Yes Matt they were indeed for I saw her parents do the very same thing! Better to have her out of their hair even if it cost someone else to deal with it (them)….
Remember that these people came from these dysfunctional homes and the apple “never falls far from the tree”…
Healing Heart,
I feel for you. I am with you. Please forgive yourself. I beat myself up and I hear you doing the same thing. Let’s learn from this awful experience and remember we were conned because we were being good people. Sometimes our greatest strengths are our greatest weaknesses. Let’s savor those good things and make our boundaries stronger.
HH, I have dated too. I go on a lot of first dates. LOL…… My knew theory is that it’s easy to find anyone but hard to find SOMEONE. We don’t have to settle. My x husband found someone on match.com within weeks of our separation. THe x S?P boyfriend picked up an x stripper in a bar 2 days after an arguement……..It’s easy when you don’t care what you are with. We care. Take your time. It’s not easy being alone. I was married for 22 years. But I do have other interests and priorities now that keep me meeting lots of interesting people. Our time will come !!!
Oh, thank you Keeping_Faith…those were really kind words and very nice for me to hear. And yes, you are absolutely right “it’s easy to find anyone but hard to find SOMEONE.” And I tend to be picky, and now I’m going to be even more so. I let my standards drop a bit with my ex S – thought maybe I’d be less snobbish. WHOOPS. Not that snobbery is good – but standards are important.
I do a lot of first dates – some second dates. Mostly just 1st – yes, LOL. I’ve met some nice people. Maybe one or two S’s, but I don’t stay around long enough to learn enough to be certain. A couple of red flags waving and I’m history.
I’m probably not ready to be in a relationship. Rather, I know I’ not. But doing a little dating has been somewhat good for my ego, as well as just for allowing me to feel like a “normal” participant in the world. Plus, I’m at an age where all my girlfriends (and sisters) are married with young children. So hanging out with them is usually grabbing a quick coffee or just hanging out with she and the kids. It’s really only on dates that I “go out,” go to restaurants, nice bars, etc. I’m not a big drinker, but I do like to go into one of the nice bars in the city where interesting people hang out – then I feel like I am still part of life.
My exS was going out with others while he was with me. I think he’s in a relationship right now (which means he will be moderately faithful to someone for 2-3 mos), and then the torture for her will begin. He doesn’t care who he has sex with – anybody available will do. He has slightly higher standards for partners – but not much. I was a catch for him (as I said, I lowered my usual standards), and he knows it. Didn’t keep him from treating me like crap eventually….worse than that. And when I was home sobbing and feeling psychologically devastated, my looks, smarts, accomplishments were no consolation.
Thanks Keeping-Faith – you are clearly a very warm, loving, kind person. Thanks for being in my life
HH,
From my perspective, you have come a LONG way. Just making the break and no contact with the S is HUGE and a big step. You have broken the physical bonds, emotional bonds, psychological bonds. There is seperation between you and the S. You are OUT of a relationship with a predator. It is such a blessing to be OUT. You could be getting much more confused if you stayed 1 day longer, 1 week longer, or 1 month longer. You are out in the real world, no longer in the fog/web/fantasy world. You are no longer being tricked/manipulated.
My daughter is still in a relationship with an S. She is still “asleep”, in denial, being tricked. When I hear about you being OUT. It is such a victory, so fantastic. That is the way I look at this.
I thank God for your freedom!
Hello Onajourney – and thank you! You are right, it is big that I am out. I can imagine how people stay in for a long time. I was getting crazier and crazier by the end. I am grateful, in some ways, that he was so horrible. It was nearly impossible for me to stay a moment longer – he was so cruel. And I am grateful for that.
I’m so sorry your daughter is in a relationship with an S. That must make you so distressed! I don’t know what the hell I’d do in your shoes. I guess you have to practice acceptance, but also be there, as a voice of reason for your daughter. God, that’s so awful for her and for you.
You are right, though, and its a good reminder. It’s huge that I am out, and that he is no longer manipulating me. He still a non-rent paying squatter in my head, but that will fade. I need to keep a “gratitude” list going. There are many good things for me to be thankful for. For GETTING OUT on my own – and to having this wonderful community for helping me to stay out. Thank you!
HH,
THE xS/P I was involved with lied from day one and cheated all along also.
a few months ago a woman he had an affair with had called me (this was while he was married) and as difficult as it was to hear her tell me some of the same lies he told her and the same lnes and know he took her to the same places….. it helped me to understand just how disgusting he is and always was. I learned that he had taken her to his father’s funeral. he told her he was almost divorced. in reality he was never separated. he devalued and discarded his wife as he did many times to me and told her she couldn’t go.
as his mother was dying in a nursing home, I heard er tell him to confess. he started crying and telling some dumbass story about people fro the “govt” visiting her and warning her not to tell anyone about him. (he said he was an operative for the NSA….IT GETS EVEN MORE WEIRD BUT YOU GET THE GYST.
take heart in that it seems we are among other intelligent and successful people. we were duped and they are scum.
people like us are a chalenge and in the eart and mind of a S/P they know they are not qualified to be with us. we allow it. they take advantage and then move on. they have to because we are to smart. they hate that about us.