Melissa K. Dean was a new lawyer in a new job. All she needed was a new romantic interest. So she posted her profile in Match.com, and received more than 30 responses in the first two days. One of the men started began his message boldly, writing, “Hi Gorgeous!”
For a woman who had long doubted her feminine appeal, the words were irresistible. More words followed—words that seemed to indicate mutual interests and goals, words that appealed to the woman’s sympathies.
Melissa K. Dean tells the story of being seduced by, married to, and then abused by, Jack Cass, a man who claimed to be a former Navy SEAL. It’s a classic story of sociopathic victimization.
Exotic dancer
Dean tells her story in a new book available in the Lovefraud Store, Hi Gorgeous! Starry Eyes and Toxic Lies.
They communicated online and by phone for a short time. Then they met for lunch, which Dean describes early in the book:
Conversation superseded our interest in our salads as we prattled on about various topics, including the characteristics we valued and disliked in potential mates. He spurned spoiled princesses and victim-oriented women, a group that included his mom—a counselor “ahead of her time,” yet victimized by by his Baptist father’s verbal abuse and infidelity with Jack’s piano teacher. He hated civilians, abhorred dishonesty and disloyalty—especially infidelity.
My bleeding heart was moved by his tale of woe, which he fully anticipated. Here was a man who’d been wounded on the battlefields of war and romance. “I let women walk all over me,” he proclaimed. The three purple hearts to which he laid claim paled in comparison to the heart he said was repeatedly broken by women who’d either cheated or bilked him out of money. “Learning to trust is a difficult task for me,” he said.
Can anyone say manipulation?
At one point before meeting Cass, Dean worked as an exotic dancer—that’s how she earned the money to take a prep course for her bar exam. Cass was fascinated by her former stint as a stripper, and after he manipulated Dean into marriage, saw his future in marketing his wife as a sexy model and dancer at biker clubs.
He, of course, had financial problems, child support payments and no steady income. But he had big ideas, which he convinced his wife to participate in. Gradually, he became more and more impatient with Dean’s contributions, and displayed his displeasure through emotional, psychological and sexual abuse.
Message of hope
In their letters to Lovefraud, many people have said their experiences with a sociopath were so outrageous that they should write a book about what happened to them. Melissa Dean has done it.
Many of you, who thought you were the only person on the planet experiencing the abuse and crazy-making of a sociopath, will take comfort in her story. You are not alone. In fact, many of you will recognize yourself, and the person who victimized you, in the tale.
Dean’s book has a happy ending—she escapes and begins to rebuild her life, her way. Her story is proof that you can recover from the abuse. It’s the message of hope and healing we all need.
HH
Man! I can’t believe the similarities in our situations. It’s amazing! At what point in the relationship did you realize he was an S? (assuming it was during the relationship. I’d made good my escape twice and had to go back to figure it out).
To no one in particular…I’ve noticed a few things:
Is three months the longest these guys can keep the act together before they start to lose it? I can’t help but notice that a few folks here at LF have said that once they were hooked, things went to hell in a handcart at or near the three month point of living/being together. It must kill them to have to keep it up especially when they don’t really feel it.
I seem to be the only person on this site who had an S/P/N who spent their own money. What’s up with that?
I mean, this man has run himself into $450,000 debt trying to impress (purchase) the women and onlookers in his life. One of his women told me that while he and I were together she “took him” for all sorts of cash (I think she was being a bit defensive; he’s seeing her sister now, but I’m sure he spent money on her). I saw a cheque written for $1300 to another woman. I know what he spends on his daughter…It’s crazy.
Narcissists – If you’re not fawning over, f**king, or feeding them, they’ll settle for good old fighting.
HH
Someone on another thread wished we could edit our postings; I agree. And I wish we could search member postings by their ID…If I could, I’d go and read all of your postings – apologies if you’ve already told the story somewhere else on the site.
As for “Hi Gorgeous”
Ummmm. I can’t believe that the same day N asked me out on our first date, he stood around at morning coffee, in front of other folks, and said laughing, “I just want a woman who likes beer and blowjobs”.
We all know what they say about things said in jest…
Even if he was kidding; what kind of man says that out loud, at work, in font of his crew, or the woman he is about to ask out?
And yes, (get the frying pan out right…now!) what kind of woman would let that go and still say “yes”?
Go ahead, laugh! What the hell was I thinking?! (he’s known a few of his work buddies and boss for over 20 years, so I suppose I excused it to some degree because they have a history outside of work).
Now, I knew he was a rough prairie boy, and I tried really hard to not be judgmental or let my skin crawl when he said, “I seen…” or “I don’t got no…” Besides, I thought it was just dinner – no biggie. I had never dated an “old fashioned” guy before (pardon to the REAL old fashioned guys out there).
Never again will I stay with a man who has that stupid look on his face…you know, gobsmacked and surprised to have “caught” me in the first place. If he’s that surprised that I said yes, then there must be a reason.
Never again will I accept, “You deserve better” as an excuse for anything. I’ll simply agree, and leave.
Never again will I allow anyone into my life who trashes or disrespects their ex, especially in public. I don’t care if their ex ran off with a harem or the entire circus – animals and all!
And, the next time someone offers up some horrible tidbit about their past; I will take it for what it is…They’re not being “honest”, or “opening up”, they’re not showing their “imperfections”…HELLO! Those tidbits; they’re telling me what’s on the menu. It’s a freaking WARNING and nothing more.
BONK! BONK! BOnk! bonk! bonk!
PB…….You wrote: “And, the next time someone offers up some horrible tidbit about their past; I will take it for what it is”They’re not being “honest”, or “opening up”, they’re not showing their “imperfections—HELLO! Those tidbits; they’re telling me what’s on the menu. It’s a freaking WARNING and nothing more.”
I think this is a very important reminder you have psoted. Maya Angelou says when people tell you who they are, BELIEVE THEM! They tell us who they are in many different ways!
HH and so many others, my heart goes out to all of you. I guess it’s good to know that I’m not alone but it breaks my heart to know that so many others have experienced the same emotional (& financial) rape that I did.
I am a successful designer for a greeting card company and we are always being asked to design or letter something that LOOKS like the emotion of the words that are being said on the card. I mean we really have to get into it, in order to do our jobs. But where the hell is the card that says, “To the man who so thoroughly ruined my life!” I want to design that one. “You’re the love of my life” I’m having a hard time with those these days. It’s hard to believe that there are people that can have that kind of relationship when they are older.
Being 50 and a widow, I don’t have any way of meeting anyone. Everyone’s already married and I look at the one’s that aren’t and have to ask “Why?”. How do you meet someone in a safe environment. I can’t very well say, Please show me your references and Oh by the way, I hope you don’t have a problem with me doing a background check. My S was really great at posting false things on the internet so if you didn’t look into it too deeply, it appeared like he was a very successful guy, it wasn’t until I got really suspecious and looked in court records that I realized he’d been sued more times than I can count and his (his wife’s) house was up for foreclosure, which I paid to have released (talk about a fool).
One small victory was in talking with a clerk at the County Treasurers Office today, she is going to send me a receipt for the taxes he put on my credit card. Bet he won’t see that coming! I can write them off on my taxes along with everything else he conned me out of. He will have to declare as income. I hope the IRS nails him good!
Sorry, I know you guys said the revenge thing isn’t always that good or healthy but I just really want to stop this guy, and his wife. I believe they are in it together. They would have to be. Everything is in her name so when the judgements come down (he must have about 70K by now), he doesn’t loose anything. He always said everything had to be done to the letter of the law, now I know why, he’s got to rip people off with their consent but not their knowledge… does that make sense?
I don’t understand how someone can actually target someone who is already hurting. When my husband died, it was after watching him suffer with MS for 10 years, taking care of him, taking care of my kids, trying to keep together a career. It was really difficult. I thought I was being bold just deciding to date again after all that. And he saw me coming, he must have celebrated when he saw me coming, he knew exactly what to say to get me to fall for him hard. I needed some comfort so badly, and then the SOB took that and just twisted it (yea, about 3 months, the asshole comes out) like a knife. I have never before in my life put up with some of the things that I did from this guy. God, what a lesson!
I don’t know if I will ever be able to trust anyone again. I hope so. I’ll tell you what, I feel like one of those cynical women that you see on TV, that’s almost as scary! It’s going to be a long road.
Thanks for listening
Sigh. I say this a lot, but I’ll say it again – I’m so sorry you guys had to go through what you went through – but I’m so grateful to have you. I wish we had met in a different venue! But I do believe (in my more positive moments) that things happen for a reason…..and that we were all meant to be here.
Pb – your posts, and your story, reads so much like mine that at times I have thought “Could it be?” But then I realize that I’ve thought that with almost every S referred to on this site. There was one that I was SURE was talking about my ex – but it turned out to be a gay man. Actually, now that I think about it, I suppose that’s a possibility.
Pb – your guy is a contractor – mine was a finance guy. Oh, and sober in AA for many years (starting in 04), so couldn’t be the same guy. But you and I have such similar experiences. I felt so sad for you reading your posts that you were still with him – and part of me envied you. Part of me would have liked to think of a good reason to go back to him for a while. But I know that NC is the only way to go. And at this point, I am really repulsed by him, and if I saw him, I think I would vomit. And I’d like to hurt him. Probably not really – but I sure do like to think about it. Anyway, I was sad that you were seeing him because you seem to sweet and I don’t want you to get hurt. And I relate to you…I relate to so many women and men on this site and I want you all to be okay.
Oh, and finally Pb – my guy spent money too. He bought me thousands of dollars worth of furniture when he lived with me. Tried to get it back however, in the end. But legally it was mine. He spent about $100,000 on his previous girlfriend. Down payment on a house, expensive furniture.
But, I think it was turning. By the end of the relationship he was b-tching about money and I had volunteered (sucker) to support him if he wanted to go back to school. MY GOD. Thank goodness I wised up and threw him out before then. I think eventually he would have taken my money. Or I would have just given it to him – I became so crazy.
I was going to put him on the deed to my house – without a second thought. Thank goodness I didn’t do any of those things.
But, by the end of our relationship, I have some nice furniture that I couldn’t afford on my own. I also have a crushed soul and broken heart. I’d rather not have the furniture.
Blew me away – Does a buzzer go off in their heads at 3 months and suddenly they drop their masks? At 3 months mine insisted on moving in with me and then promptly started cheating on me all the time (didn’t find out till later).
By four months he was raising his voice at me and accusing me of lying, cheating, etc. I wasn’t. We all know what was happening there.
By 5 months the devalue and discard had begun. Ohhhhhh….that is just about the most painful thing I’ve gone through – and I’ve had some losses.
By 6 months he was raging at me regularly and avoiding me as much as possible. No sex unless I pursued it aggressively.
But three months is when the a–hole starter pistol goes off, isn’t it?
HH,
I wasn’t suggesting we shared a wingnut…it’s just eerie sometimes, that’s all.
🙂
I know…we joke about them attending Sociopath 101. They all act so alike. It is creepy. I think there is a Sociopath Factory in hell. Satan has one mold and puts out millions of these creatures a year. He doesn’t need to change the model – this one works well in its mission to destruction.
And then its interesting how much WE are all alike. Not as similar to each other as them, but similar. Another factory – this one in heaven?
Healing Heart,
I notice similarities among us as well. Interesting.
SOOOO dead on about the three months. That is exactly when it started.