Melissa K. Dean was a new lawyer in a new job. All she needed was a new romantic interest. So she posted her profile in Match.com, and received more than 30 responses in the first two days. One of the men started began his message boldly, writing, “Hi Gorgeous!”
For a woman who had long doubted her feminine appeal, the words were irresistible. More words followed—words that seemed to indicate mutual interests and goals, words that appealed to the woman’s sympathies.
Melissa K. Dean tells the story of being seduced by, married to, and then abused by, Jack Cass, a man who claimed to be a former Navy SEAL. It’s a classic story of sociopathic victimization.
Exotic dancer
Dean tells her story in a new book available in the Lovefraud Store, Hi Gorgeous! Starry Eyes and Toxic Lies.
They communicated online and by phone for a short time. Then they met for lunch, which Dean describes early in the book:
Conversation superseded our interest in our salads as we prattled on about various topics, including the characteristics we valued and disliked in potential mates. He spurned spoiled princesses and victim-oriented women, a group that included his mom—a counselor “ahead of her time,” yet victimized by by his Baptist father’s verbal abuse and infidelity with Jack’s piano teacher. He hated civilians, abhorred dishonesty and disloyalty—especially infidelity.
My bleeding heart was moved by his tale of woe, which he fully anticipated. Here was a man who’d been wounded on the battlefields of war and romance. “I let women walk all over me,” he proclaimed. The three purple hearts to which he laid claim paled in comparison to the heart he said was repeatedly broken by women who’d either cheated or bilked him out of money. “Learning to trust is a difficult task for me,” he said.
Can anyone say manipulation?
At one point before meeting Cass, Dean worked as an exotic dancer—that’s how she earned the money to take a prep course for her bar exam. Cass was fascinated by her former stint as a stripper, and after he manipulated Dean into marriage, saw his future in marketing his wife as a sexy model and dancer at biker clubs.
He, of course, had financial problems, child support payments and no steady income. But he had big ideas, which he convinced his wife to participate in. Gradually, he became more and more impatient with Dean’s contributions, and displayed his displeasure through emotional, psychological and sexual abuse.
Message of hope
In their letters to Lovefraud, many people have said their experiences with a sociopath were so outrageous that they should write a book about what happened to them. Melissa Dean has done it.
Many of you, who thought you were the only person on the planet experiencing the abuse and crazy-making of a sociopath, will take comfort in her story. You are not alone. In fact, many of you will recognize yourself, and the person who victimized you, in the tale.
Dean’s book has a happy ending—she escapes and begins to rebuild her life, her way. Her story is proof that you can recover from the abuse. It’s the message of hope and healing we all need.
AND sorry three in a row here but I am catching up, Healing Heart, I am right there with you about finding someone else! I am scared to death to connect to someone else, I am constantly pushing away probably decent guys. I just can’t bear to ever feel that miserable and confused again. I am 26, and being single forever sounds better to me than risking being hurt that devastatingly again.
Hey Eliza – YES 3 months is the magic number, for some reason. My ex S once said, in a moment of moderate semi-quasi-“honesty” that he could only “take love for six months.” That’s when I thought, at first that things went bad. But the clearer I get and the more I learn, it was 3 months when he started crazy cheating. I’ve read on several different Narcissist sites that 3 or 4 months is the witching hour.
Eliza – I’m so glad you are only 26. I almost wish I mad met this guy at 26 (I recently turned 39). Then I would have all the wisdom and experience, and would have been able to pick out a good man, and have a really healthy relationship. I’m so sorry this happened to you, Eliza, but so glad that you get to learn this lesson and then go ahead and have a long life of love and joy ahead. May this be the last bad man who you allow into your life!
I am also scared to death to connect to someone else, and scared to death I won’t. At this point I would rather be with the P… because the I wouldn’t be alone. How do I get used to being all alone? I hate it. I live in a gigantic city and I am sitting here alone. This is where all my bad choices have brought me.
WHY do we have to be so wired to crave a mate when there are such effed up people in the world. It seems quite cruel. I mean is it that whole forbidden fruit in the garden of eden thing? geezus.
PB wrote: And yes, (get the frying pan out right”now!) what kind of woman would let that go and still say “yes”?
Go ahead, laugh! What the hell was I thinking?!”
Probably the same sort of thoughts that allowed me to ignore similar red flags. This guy had not seen me in 40 years (yes, I got involved a second time after being burned in my teens)….but did he ask me to send a photo of my face? No….for the first photo he asked me to “lower the camera and take a shot of your goodies….or if tits come into focus, that’s fine too.” This guy was hitting me over the head with red flags.
That was one of the milder ones!
I ignored them because I thought he was just trying to be flirty or funny or sexy or something…..and that I was so sure I knew the core of this guy, that he was a good guy. And his success financially and being a doctor gave me false reassurance.
He had actually been very cruel to me as a teen, but I excused that as typical teen behavior, even though no other male since had ever put me into such a tailspin. I cried every day for a year back when I was just turned 16. Never occurred to me even as an adult that the reaction alone should have told me something toxic had gotten a hold of me.
Anyway, the point is, don’t think we are going to laugh. Most of us have been there, done that.
shabbychic2
The aloneness is heart wrenching. After my husband died I thought I would loose my mind, I looked for anything to divert my attention, that’s how I found my S (or rather he found me). I think that’s when we’re the most vulnerable. Someone picks up on that and says just the right things, I even told him what I needed to hear, what I wanted in a relationship and it’s like music to their ears. I was so easy. All he had to do was be so attentive, and understanding and before I knew it, I was spilling my guts. Giving him all the ammunition to take me on the ride of my life. And here’s the really screwed up piece, when you meet someone you’re supposed to go into it open hearted. But that’s very dangerous. Here was a guy who genuinely seemed like he wanted to be with me, wanted to listen to what I had to say. We must have emailed each other over 100 times before I would even consent to meeting him. When I met him, I was so turned off, I dumped him the next day. Can you believe that! But he came back, all nice, “What happened baby, I thought we had something special, blah blah blah” If I had only followed my instincts. I would never be in this situation.
And then about 3 months out… well you know, everything seemed to slowly change.
Hmmm…
He almost stole the light in my eyes. That’s the only way I can describe it. For me to completely lose faith would be to die, and I nearly did.
I will get back on that horse, and I will do my best to trust folks until given a reason not to, but boy howdy!, I’m going to be paying a lot more attention.
To the N, for me to give up on love would be almost as good as me killing myself; it’s the ultimate compliment.
Wow! I was sort of kidding there. But when I think about how I just had to turn everything he said around, or reverse it, to get closer to the truth; his remark that he didn’t want to “be the one who pushes [me] off the deep end” is rather creepy. It really would be a compliment to him – not that it would be on a conscious level, or that he’d ever admit it.
EEeeewww.
I will not be a crazy cat lady. I will not be a crazy cat lady. I will not be a crazy cat lady. I will not be a crazy cat lady. I will not be a crazy cat lady. I will not be a crazy cat lady. I will not be a crazy cat lady. I will not be a crazy cat lady……LOL!
There are obviously pieces to this that I need to learn in order to heal and move on. A tough road, that one. Somehow, to trust again. To be content to be alone, find things to do that don’t require having a “date” or “other half”. To not feel pathetic when people look at me, knowing what happened. All the loss. It’s a real MF’er. To be gentle with myself and somehow forgive myself for what I did and what I lost. It’s a different type of grieving and I thought I was already an expert at that! There are lots of challenges here. I know what they are, trying to actually get there, believe it all, that’s another story altogether!
When I first met my Ex on line (he wrote to me) I didn’t like his profile. I remember looking at it (it was loooonnnngggg of course – he loved to hear himself speak) and thinking “this guy is cute but he has anger issues and is promiscuous.” I remember just reading that between the lines ( he didn’t say it of course). I wish I hadn’t written back. His response to my email back was very long and thoughtful. He gave me his phone number – I called him and got voice mail. I remember that I didn’t like his voice, and thought is voice greeting (which was long) was nasty. It basically said “don’t leave me a message unless its something I’m going to want to hear”. I remember thinking “this guy lacks empathy, it’s all about him. And I left a voice mail saying that (diplomatically). And I basically said – we aren’t a match, please don’t call me back.
And then he sent me the loonnngggest email flattering me, saying “thank you so much for helping me, you are so insightful” blah blah blah. I ate it up. And then the relationship began. He fed my ego, I responded. And then 3 months of masked man heaven.
What amazes me is that before I even met the guy I had all of this intuition that he wasn’t okay. Multiple red flags. If only, if only, if only….
I’ve been thinking, I have already pro-created, I have done my part. Maybe there is just no need for it. And I have a little boy to protect, so I just don’t even think it is worth the risk. I AM lonely, but I don’t know that there is anyone in the world who could tear my walls down. If they did I would probably just toss them back out and repair the breach. But I am sure going to miss having sex.