Melissa K. Dean was a new lawyer in a new job. All she needed was a new romantic interest. So she posted her profile in Match.com, and received more than 30 responses in the first two days. One of the men started began his message boldly, writing, “Hi Gorgeous!”
For a woman who had long doubted her feminine appeal, the words were irresistible. More words followed—words that seemed to indicate mutual interests and goals, words that appealed to the woman’s sympathies.
Melissa K. Dean tells the story of being seduced by, married to, and then abused by, Jack Cass, a man who claimed to be a former Navy SEAL. It’s a classic story of sociopathic victimization.
Exotic dancer
Dean tells her story in a new book available in the Lovefraud Store, Hi Gorgeous! Starry Eyes and Toxic Lies.
They communicated online and by phone for a short time. Then they met for lunch, which Dean describes early in the book:
Conversation superseded our interest in our salads as we prattled on about various topics, including the characteristics we valued and disliked in potential mates. He spurned spoiled princesses and victim-oriented women, a group that included his mom—a counselor “ahead of her time,” yet victimized by by his Baptist father’s verbal abuse and infidelity with Jack’s piano teacher. He hated civilians, abhorred dishonesty and disloyalty—especially infidelity.
My bleeding heart was moved by his tale of woe, which he fully anticipated. Here was a man who’d been wounded on the battlefields of war and romance. “I let women walk all over me,” he proclaimed. The three purple hearts to which he laid claim paled in comparison to the heart he said was repeatedly broken by women who’d either cheated or bilked him out of money. “Learning to trust is a difficult task for me,” he said.
Can anyone say manipulation?
At one point before meeting Cass, Dean worked as an exotic dancer—that’s how she earned the money to take a prep course for her bar exam. Cass was fascinated by her former stint as a stripper, and after he manipulated Dean into marriage, saw his future in marketing his wife as a sexy model and dancer at biker clubs.
He, of course, had financial problems, child support payments and no steady income. But he had big ideas, which he convinced his wife to participate in. Gradually, he became more and more impatient with Dean’s contributions, and displayed his displeasure through emotional, psychological and sexual abuse.
Message of hope
In their letters to Lovefraud, many people have said their experiences with a sociopath were so outrageous that they should write a book about what happened to them. Melissa Dean has done it.
Many of you, who thought you were the only person on the planet experiencing the abuse and crazy-making of a sociopath, will take comfort in her story. You are not alone. In fact, many of you will recognize yourself, and the person who victimized you, in the tale.
Dean’s book has a happy ending—she escapes and begins to rebuild her life, her way. Her story is proof that you can recover from the abuse. It’s the message of hope and healing we all need.
PB
I so get it, one of the last conversations I had with my S before the jig was up went like this, “So do you have life insurance?” and ” does your insurance cover therapy for you and the boys?”. He knew he was on the verge of destroying me, even used that phrase on one occasion. I’ve got a news flash for him, if I didn’t end it after I lost my husband and he was one of the best, I sure as hell wouldn’t do it after this. I’m just mad as hell and he better hope I don’t find a way to take him down – within the letter of the law, of course! Stooping to his level, I will never do. It would thrill me to no end to take him to court, even if I only get a judgement that he can’t pay. It would be some sweet vindication.
Ditto on the sex, Eliza. Not being one for casual sex, I think I’m in for a very long road. Can’t say I’m looking forward to that part – damn, he really ruined me… it’s so wrong, on every level!
Healing Heart,
When I first met my S, I was at a bar, mourning a two day old break off with another not so great guy (not an S though). I blacked out, which I had never done before, (looking back he was loitering suspiciously close to my drink, then me but a friend knew him so I didn’t suspect he may have drugged me until later). The next morning I was in my friends room in bed with she and her bf (no nothing happened wierd with them). My friend filled me in that the S and I were fooling around in her living room and she made me come in with her. Months and months later she told me she had asked him not to take advantage of me and he said he wouldn’t but did anyway.
He and I started talking on myspace. Immediately I noticed something was off. He said so many bizarre things, contradicted himself ALL the time. Sense of humor was off, hard to describe. Told me a lot of innappropriate things about previous sexual conquests. JUST so wierd. The thing of it is I JUST DIDN”T KNOW. I thought he was just different, and I related to that, because I am pretty different. I thought sociopaths were killers and child molesters, only. I did not know to guard myself, that it was so rampant. SO he won me over, I didn’t give in easy either. But if I didn’t text him or email for a couple of days, there he was, acting sad that I wasn’t talking to him. Telling me how I fascinated him and I was amazing. Then finally I really had feelings for him, about 3 months. Then I didn’t hear from him for two weeks, and saw pictures of him in Boston with another girl…hmmmm….then he was back, gone, back dying to see me, gone, over and over and over
You get used to the not having sex. It’s really hard at first (the addiction piece) and then you get used to it. I’m so used to jumping into a new relationship, or tapping back into an old one – this is actually the longest I have ever gone in my adult life without having sex. Six months. Wow – that’s not very long. I just always got involved with someone else, and if that didn’t happen, I’d “visit” an old boyfriend.
Sometimes I wonder if I’ve really grown up and matured – and that’s the reason I haven’t had sex with anybody since my last contact with him. Then sometimes I think that its not that I’m more mature these days, but rather that I was so traumatized by the emotional rape that I am too shocked and damaged to be with someone else.
The next man I have sex with will be a kind, loving, honest man. And hopefully really hot, too. 😉 And, hopefully he’ll be my partner for a long time. SIGH. That would be nice. I don’t think it will be too soon, though. I really want to take this pain seriously and go through this process and get rid of some of this deep-rooted hurt.
But I will not become a crazy cat lady. 😉
Blew Me Away: Yes, that is what happened to me, I was just a sitting duck with a bullseye on my head. I can be gentle and forgiving to myself for being a complete push over, I can see what I was doing, and he didn’t get the best of me, I’m still here and I will never never give up… it is just the loneliness I can’t bear. Maybe I still think that being alone means I am not desirable.
I meant to talk about how after I think five months he told me that we had actually never even had a relationship, even though we talked every day and slept together. Yeah he even said all the time, we are dating, I am yours, deal with it. But I imagined the relationship. Great. And he told me he couldn’t really commit to just one person, and he never really ended ANYTHING with anyone. EVER. Information that would have been much more useful the day after you practically raped me in my friends living room floor you f—ing asshole.
I just read what I wrote. I feel like I sound slutty. Yikes. I don’t have casual sex either – though it sure sounds like I do. I would go from one relationship to the next…or get back together with an old boyfriend. I get nothing out of sex with someone I don’t think really cares about me. This is why the sex at the end of my relationship with the S wasn’t NEARLY as good as in the beginning. In fact, polar opposites of the scale. It was terrific in the beginning (I think – at least that’s what I felt at the time) and then mechanical and pornographic at the end.
And, E, like yours, mine said some inappropriate sexual things on our first date. Talked about his former sex life with his ex-wife. ON A FIRST DATE. I remember thinking it was weird, but maybe he was just super honest. Or naive. Both of which I thought were endearing.
I though Sociopaths were clearly “bad guys” too. And I’m a mental health professional! I knew they could be charming, but I thought that meant in a flashy, game-show host sort of way. And I had met several like that. But this guy was not showy, but rather acted like a really good listener, seemed to hang on my every word, talked about his spirituality, his children, etc. And also said a lot of really f–ked up things like talking about his ex-wife and their sex life. But I ignored that stuff. The good stuff was so good. He practically wrapped a red flag around my neck. But I acted like it was a beautiful red silk scarf.
I am weird about letting people in my bed. I got married at 19 and my husband was my first, and I was married 5 years before we separated and ultimately divorced. So I haven’t slept with many people. But I really like sex. The S sort of convinced me that we had amazing sex. I am still not sure, I think we did, I know I craved it, but I wonder if that is because he withheld it from me and teased so much. I don’t know that is just too confusing for me to sort out just yet, a lot of dynamics there, esp given the way it all started.
Now I am worried that I will only enjoy sex with an S. Someone who secretly wants to harm me and doesn’t care about me. Have I a masochistic streak? I think I must.
I don’t want to be a crazy cat lady either!! I am very allergic!! I am going to be one of those old ladies that does those like five bzillion piece puzzles all the time.
Maybe we’ll be crazy old ladies that are always on the internet. “Modern crazy old ladies” playing poker & bingo on the net.
God, what is with these guys, do they all say stuff that is abusive and trashy, colored in a joke – “Hey, look at those hooters” How I could possibly ignore some of the crap that came out of that mouth is beyond me. Was it the hanging on my every word piece (yea, to get future ammunition), the nice restaurants and gift? Seemingly like a successful professional? I mean this guy really was not my type, where was the hook?