Melissa K. Dean was a new lawyer in a new job. All she needed was a new romantic interest. So she posted her profile in Match.com, and received more than 30 responses in the first two days. One of the men started began his message boldly, writing, “Hi Gorgeous!”
For a woman who had long doubted her feminine appeal, the words were irresistible. More words followed—words that seemed to indicate mutual interests and goals, words that appealed to the woman’s sympathies.
Melissa K. Dean tells the story of being seduced by, married to, and then abused by, Jack Cass, a man who claimed to be a former Navy SEAL. It’s a classic story of sociopathic victimization.
Exotic dancer
Dean tells her story in a new book available in the Lovefraud Store, Hi Gorgeous! Starry Eyes and Toxic Lies.
They communicated online and by phone for a short time. Then they met for lunch, which Dean describes early in the book:
Conversation superseded our interest in our salads as we prattled on about various topics, including the characteristics we valued and disliked in potential mates. He spurned spoiled princesses and victim-oriented women, a group that included his mom—a counselor “ahead of her time,” yet victimized by by his Baptist father’s verbal abuse and infidelity with Jack’s piano teacher. He hated civilians, abhorred dishonesty and disloyalty—especially infidelity.
My bleeding heart was moved by his tale of woe, which he fully anticipated. Here was a man who’d been wounded on the battlefields of war and romance. “I let women walk all over me,” he proclaimed. The three purple hearts to which he laid claim paled in comparison to the heart he said was repeatedly broken by women who’d either cheated or bilked him out of money. “Learning to trust is a difficult task for me,” he said.
Can anyone say manipulation?
At one point before meeting Cass, Dean worked as an exotic dancer—that’s how she earned the money to take a prep course for her bar exam. Cass was fascinated by her former stint as a stripper, and after he manipulated Dean into marriage, saw his future in marketing his wife as a sexy model and dancer at biker clubs.
He, of course, had financial problems, child support payments and no steady income. But he had big ideas, which he convinced his wife to participate in. Gradually, he became more and more impatient with Dean’s contributions, and displayed his displeasure through emotional, psychological and sexual abuse.
Message of hope
In their letters to Lovefraud, many people have said their experiences with a sociopath were so outrageous that they should write a book about what happened to them. Melissa Dean has done it.
Many of you, who thought you were the only person on the planet experiencing the abuse and crazy-making of a sociopath, will take comfort in her story. You are not alone. In fact, many of you will recognize yourself, and the person who victimized you, in the tale.
Dean’s book has a happy ending—she escapes and begins to rebuild her life, her way. Her story is proof that you can recover from the abuse. It’s the message of hope and healing we all need.
OMG Healing Heart, I tell you that sounds so spot on just like the red flags I noticed. He told me the first time we hung out (datish) that the girl he was seeing he had dropped immediately because he liked me so much and she was dating someone else he knew and that the guy came in her face the first time THEY slept together. HOW the hell was he privy to this information A, and why the f would he tell me about it. I am just getting sick thinking about it because he did that stuff all the time, and with the wisdom that I have now I would have known, I could have escaped.
My S also used to always say the opposite of what he meant, took me a bit to catch on (the contradiction). Like, “I don’t like porn, I hate to masturbate, it bores me.” Got a video text much to the contrary not long after. “I don’t like strippers or lap dances”, headed to an out of state strip club with buddies shortly thereafter. “I am not comfortable with blow jobs” RIGHT! “I had a threesome once but I really hated it there was too much going on, I like just one woman” Asked me to pick out someone for a threesome. “I can only be with one woman at a time, and you are that woman” that one he repeated MANY MANY times. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! What like one as in fifteen?
Jeez….I know! This guy was not my type either – he was an exception. The way he looked, the way he spoke, a lot of things. There were so many red flags in the beginning. But he made me laugh….or maybe I made him laugh…I think we had fabulous belly laughs together.
But he said so many things on our first three dates that were so revealing about his promiscuity, his temper, his ability to be a stalker. How did I ignore those things? It’s not like I had ever heard them before – they registered as “hmmm…weird,” but then I let them go.
It really felt like he cast a spell over me. Like I entered some trance state where I just didn’t act like myself. I set my sanity aside. I ignored things that should have had me running. It’s so weird to look back on it. It’s like I was drugged. I think I was. Not like you in the bar, E (how utterly horrendous if he did that), but I think he tapped right into the addiction part of my brain, or the fantasy part, or the little girl playing princess part, or probably all of the above….and then I went for a ride. It’s so strange to look back on. I acted out of character. I very consciously did these things that were out of character. Not that I was fabulous at picking men before, or always on the alert for red flags…..but with this guy I acted like a complete innocent, naive, little girl from the middle of nowhere, who had never seen a man before. Like I was born yesterday and new NOTHING of this world.
SAME here HH, totally not my type, I told him so. He worked to convince me otherwise. After that first date, I told him I didn’t want to talk anymore, because he seemed cold to me. He went on to list his warmth, he moved here from a great job (as a lawyer?hehe) in California to take care of his grandmother dying of cancer, he donated 1/3 of his income to the 911 fund, he taught schoolchildren in Africa to speak english, WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT? How did I believe him, I felt so guilty for calling him cold after he told me those things. I apologized profusely. It was over the phone, bet that weasel was grinning ear to ear. WHAT A SCOUNDREL!
You can’t believe a word these guys say – not a single word. I seriously don’t think they know what “truth” means. They just say whatever occurs to them in the moment – whatever is the “best” story for the situation at hand. My ex S would do 180’s too. About sex stuff, and innocent stuff, too. He told me once he NEVER bought cards that had prose in them (like little cute birthday rhymes) and ONLY bought blank cards in which he wrote his own messages. Then a few months later he gave me cards with those little poems in there and said he liked to pick out cards that had meaningful writing in them.
These guys lie so often, and have no understanding what the truth is that I don’t think they even really know what happened, or who they are. In the end my Ex s admitted to cheating on me multiple times, so many times that he thought he was a Sex Addict and was going to Love/Sex anonymous meetings….and then a few days later denied, vehemently, that he ever cheated on me.
They just say what the hell they think is the “right” thing to say in the moment. “Right” not meaning morally right, but what ever will get them the best outcome.
You know I wonder about that whole sex addict thing, seems like a made up thing for sociopaths to use as an excuse for their filandering. I feel like maybe sex addicts are really just sociopaths.
Part of the reason we believe them is that they tell OUTRAGEOUS lies. It doesn’t even occur to us normal folks that someone would lie about something so big. It just doesn’t register for us. Who would lie about giving their salary to 911 relief and teaching children in Africa? How incredibly audacious! The lies we normal folk no of are lying about how bad a cold is so you skip work, or lying about how much money you spent on a sweater so your husband doesn’t get angry. But telling lies about going to Africa to teach children? Impossible. I think that’s one of the reasons other people don’t believe us when we tell them our stories. It’s too far out there. Just not conceivable.
I’ve wondered the same thing about Sex Addiction and sociopaths. I did a google search several times and didn’t come up with anything.
I think maybe true sex addicts lie about sex and affairs, and maybe are half-way decent people otherwise? I don’t know, feels like stretch. I think maybe a non-sociopath sex addict still has empathy, and feels great remorse and shame. A sociopath feels no shame and no remorse. They may say they do when caught – but just because its’ the right thing to say.
I think my Ex S saying he was a sex addict was b-llsh-t. He had sex like a sex addict – but he was just a really bad person all around. It wasn’t JUST the sex. He was a terrible guy. To me, to his children. Verbally, emotionally, abusive. The S. addict thing was an excuse. PLUS – he really neglected me sexually in the end. Totally witheld sex. What sex addict does that. He would actually say things like “don’t think I’m going to have sex with you tonight because I’m not.” I don’t think a true sex addict says no to an attractive, willing, eager, partner.
Yeah my friends pretty much think I am totally nuts I think. I mean they love me but I cannot discuss any of this with them, they just can’t get it. And I think if I had looged on here and started talking earlier, I could have gotten out earlier. Because it is so so so important to validate myself by expressing what I have experienced. At least to me it is invaluable. I almost felt a bond with him because only he and I (in my social circle) were a part of the madness. I never told my family about him at all, until i changed my phone number, then I just said there is a crazy guy that I didn’t want to hear from anymore. I felt utterly alone until I logged onto this site.
Yes! That’s part of the betrayal bond! It’s special and private (and insane) just between the two of you. And I certainly couldn’t tell anyone – family or friends when I was hooking up with him when I had already thrown him out and told every one what an evil monster he was. I was having a secret affair with him that no one else knew about. It bonded us more!
This is a wonderful place. This is the one place in the world where we can speak freely and honestly and people can relate to us.
I’m turning in for the night. I’m so glad you are here, Eliza, you are a good spirity and you bring a lot to our community.