Melissa K. Dean was a new lawyer in a new job. All she needed was a new romantic interest. So she posted her profile in Match.com, and received more than 30 responses in the first two days. One of the men started began his message boldly, writing, “Hi Gorgeous!”
For a woman who had long doubted her feminine appeal, the words were irresistible. More words followed—words that seemed to indicate mutual interests and goals, words that appealed to the woman’s sympathies.
Melissa K. Dean tells the story of being seduced by, married to, and then abused by, Jack Cass, a man who claimed to be a former Navy SEAL. It’s a classic story of sociopathic victimization.
Exotic dancer
Dean tells her story in a new book available in the Lovefraud Store, Hi Gorgeous! Starry Eyes and Toxic Lies.
They communicated online and by phone for a short time. Then they met for lunch, which Dean describes early in the book:
Conversation superseded our interest in our salads as we prattled on about various topics, including the characteristics we valued and disliked in potential mates. He spurned spoiled princesses and victim-oriented women, a group that included his mom—a counselor “ahead of her time,” yet victimized by by his Baptist father’s verbal abuse and infidelity with Jack’s piano teacher. He hated civilians, abhorred dishonesty and disloyalty—especially infidelity.
My bleeding heart was moved by his tale of woe, which he fully anticipated. Here was a man who’d been wounded on the battlefields of war and romance. “I let women walk all over me,” he proclaimed. The three purple hearts to which he laid claim paled in comparison to the heart he said was repeatedly broken by women who’d either cheated or bilked him out of money. “Learning to trust is a difficult task for me,” he said.
Can anyone say manipulation?
At one point before meeting Cass, Dean worked as an exotic dancer—that’s how she earned the money to take a prep course for her bar exam. Cass was fascinated by her former stint as a stripper, and after he manipulated Dean into marriage, saw his future in marketing his wife as a sexy model and dancer at biker clubs.
He, of course, had financial problems, child support payments and no steady income. But he had big ideas, which he convinced his wife to participate in. Gradually, he became more and more impatient with Dean’s contributions, and displayed his displeasure through emotional, psychological and sexual abuse.
Message of hope
In their letters to Lovefraud, many people have said their experiences with a sociopath were so outrageous that they should write a book about what happened to them. Melissa Dean has done it.
Many of you, who thought you were the only person on the planet experiencing the abuse and crazy-making of a sociopath, will take comfort in her story. You are not alone. In fact, many of you will recognize yourself, and the person who victimized you, in the tale.
Dean’s book has a happy ending—she escapes and begins to rebuild her life, her way. Her story is proof that you can recover from the abuse. It’s the message of hope and healing we all need.
OxDrover
Toxic would be a really good word for the woman. I’ve had less and less contact with her, thank God she lives in a different state. Maybe NC would be best. I just don’t want to hurt her. Isn’t that crazy? She rarely calls unless she wants something so I don’t have to worry about that, when I’m hurting she calls even less. So I guess I won’t be hearing from her for quite a while! I sure didn’t after my husband died. The woman has never been emotionally available to me, when things were hardest, she would disappear.
Thank God for good therapists! I’ve had the same one for almost 20 years, she’s helped me through some ugly stuff. My birth family has always been a re-occuring theme. I guess I have more work to do in that quarter. Sure didn’t see that one coming.
Dear Blew me away,
It never dawned on me that I didn’t have a “great” relationship with my mother until the last couple of years. There had been some “bad spells” in the past but the family motto “let’s just pretend that none of this happened and start over” was the way things went and I PLAYED LET’S PRETEND.
When the pain got so bad and I realized that my mother had intentionally said something she KNEW WOULD HURT ME FOR THE INTENTION OF HURTING ME (she actually admitted it to me) I was DEVESTATED….and I quit playing “let’s pretend” and mentally went back and saw that I had “White Washed” my ugly childhood like there was no tomorrow. I quit playing “let’s pretend” and tried to talk to her and she actually told me (after my DIL’s arrest and the arrest of the Trojan HOrse Psychopath who had infiltrated our family with the intention of killing me) “Let’s just pretend none of this happened.,”
I looked at her and said, “Well, if you want to play ‘let’s pretend’ then lets pretend that daddy and (my husband) are NOT dead and set them a place at the table.”
OH NO! She did not want to discuss her bad behavior at all. “I just want to focus on the positive,” she said.
When confronted in her lies, her reply was “Well, tell me you never lied to me!” And I replied, “Yep, sure have, 45 years ago when I was 15!”
There is just no way to “get through” to either a psychopath or someone who is toxically involved in enabling or victimhood. So what the “label” is is NOT important if you know what the behavior is. I even made up my OWN term for her—Psychopath-by-proxy.
She is so apparently trauma bonded to my P-son that she is his PUPPET and abuses me and my son C and does the bidding of my P-son. So she is a psychopathic-proxy for him.
In a way, she is his victim too, a very willing victim with Stockholm syndrom I guess, but she is TOXIC to me. I can’t deal with people who for WHAT EVER REASON are toxic to me. Doesn’t matter what the reason is. Doesn’t matter what the “relationship” is, anyone who is TOXIC is expendible. It doesn’t matter if they gave birth to me, or I gave birth to them, I cannot tolerate that kind of toxic treatment and live. I don’t have to. I WILL NOT. Coming to that decision was difficult for me but it is the only one that lets me take care of ME.
After my husband died, my step dad was dying and my mom was sick. I took care of them instead of doing the grieving work I needed to do for myself AND the business work I needed to do for my own financial help…when I tried to get my mom to get off my back and give me some space, she got really angry and things started down hill from there on. She took on the Ps as her confederates, D & D’d me, accused me of being after her money (I’ve never taken a dime from her) etc. Then, after their arrest when she was alone, she wanted to come back to me and I would be her servant—but by then I was no longer willing to play “let’s pretend none of this happened” so now she has gone back to her “old tricks” and is back “in bed” with the psychopathic grandson. Things never change unless you make them change. So, I can go on now without her, without guilt of “abandoning” my mother. She took away my power of attorney andwihtout the POA I legally CAN’T take care of her if I wanted to, therefore I do not have the RESPONSIBILITY to take care of her any more than I do of taking care of your mother. ONce I realized that, I felt a great deal better about it all. (I’m her only child) Her nephew who is her POA is not willing or able to care for her so I’m not sure what will happen if she lives into utter senility. But NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY.
Since I have always assumed responsibility, even where I had none, that’s a new concept for me but I’m working on getting used to it, and to being responsible for ME and letting others assume their own responsibilities. Takes a load off your back when the world no longer rests there! LOL (((Hugs)))
Are these guys really this smart? I mean, to be able to read us like a book and know how to get a reaction out of us? To plan ahead with their little games on how to get money? The P I was seeing didn’t seem all that bright but I sure played into his hands. One of his favorites was to tell me “I won’t be able to see you for a few weeks because I am having financial problems”… so he knew how to cause me anxiety? Maybe he just looks smart because I was acting so stupid.
OxDrover: Thank you for being here, I appreciate your posts, they have meant a lot to me.
A snake knows how to slither and a mosquito knows how to get past my swatting hand and suck my blood. Does that make them smarter than me?
I never imagined that someone who looked like a human and said things to make not only me believe him but also my parents and others around me — that that so-called person was motivate to destroy me utterly and take down all those around me as well. Why would I imagine that? Even the man I married at 18, destructive as he was, was merely a garden-variety S/P compared to this dedicated “long con.”
(No offense to those of you who are dealing with anyone like my first husband. That was years of hell for me, and I didn’t have the benefit of the internet and a community like this to get through. I have all kinds of sympathy for anyone trapped by one of those as well.)
Rune: I know, I don’t understand why someone who in the beginning was so interested in me turned into this person who just wants money. I made the mistake of thinking he felt the same way about me that I felt about him.
I can’t imagine why anyone would want to destroy someone else, I can’t seem to wrap my mind around how different they are.
Shabbychic: You don’t want to understand it. If you ever really wrap your mind around it, you’ll feel sick to your stomach. Really, we’re not wired that way. Thank God.
He was interested in you so he could learn enough about you to manipulate you. Sick. Sick. And not your fault.
Yes Thank God we are not wired that way.
Some of the stuff my ex S did was so illogical – sometimes it hurt him, but he didn’t care.
I don’t know why I had to throw him out when he seemed to hate me – yet he still lived with me. He would come home every night (though not till 10:00pm) and sleep in “our” bed, yet he seemed to hate me. AND, he had his own house, he could have left. But it was almost like he wanted to stay with me and hate me. The last two months he was cruel and hateful and seemed to just despise my company – yet he didn’t move out. I had to throw him out.
Could he really have ENJOYED rejecting me so much that he continued to live with me even though he didn’t want to and didn’t have to?
shabbychic2
You and I could have been talking about the same person. I mean, I know we’re not, but I’m stunned by the similarities. Or maybe we’re just in the same place of “can’t wrap my head around it”…
OxyDrover
I really appreciate your openness… I feel like my ability to connect has been damaged along with everything else and sometimes just being “seen” by someone else feels like a big deal. It shouldn’t but it does. It’s one of the biggest hurdles I have leftover from the early years. Maybe one of the gifts in this will not only help me move on because of what happened with my S, but also the death of my husband and ultimately being abandoned by my folks. Yep, I’m thinkin’ my abandonment issues need to be looked at again… I reached a new level in the onion, oh boy, a core issue, can’t wait to dive into that one again – damn!
The openness and compassion in this community is helping me to practice my trust again. It does mean so very much to be “seen” and validated. Especially as we’ve come from situations where our own core knowing of the truth was challenged by the S/P at every turn.
Thank you to all — those of you who are just reeling in from the wilderness, and those of you who have been here at the campfire for awhile. We validate each other, and I’m sure our stories help all of us process — storytellers as well as listeners.
I really thought he was crazy about me! At this point I feel he has been hanging around just to see how much I will tolerate. How much money I will give away. In the beginning I tolerated everything! Now that I am back reading this site again I seem to be getting a little bit better (I thought I was helping someone, not being conned, I’m so naive). I’ve actually said no the last 2 times he asked me for money and figure I will somehow be strong enough when he stops calling & coming over here, actually I can’t afford to see him anymore! LOL.
I can’t fathom that someone would enjoy hurting/rejecting someone. I read in a book once that some guys will act like jerks to make YOU break up with them so they don’t feel like the bad guy (but the book was not about P’s). I have severe abandonment issues left over from my Dad. Maybe that is why I do hand-stands to keep a guy from leaving. Am I still just a little girl at age 52? There is some stuff I don’t want to go back and look at. I want to keep positive thoughts and live in the “now”. God, I need help.