Melissa K. Dean was a new lawyer in a new job. All she needed was a new romantic interest. So she posted her profile in Match.com, and received more than 30 responses in the first two days. One of the men started began his message boldly, writing, “Hi Gorgeous!”
For a woman who had long doubted her feminine appeal, the words were irresistible. More words followed—words that seemed to indicate mutual interests and goals, words that appealed to the woman’s sympathies.
Melissa K. Dean tells the story of being seduced by, married to, and then abused by, Jack Cass, a man who claimed to be a former Navy SEAL. It’s a classic story of sociopathic victimization.
Exotic dancer
Dean tells her story in a new book available in the Lovefraud Store, Hi Gorgeous! Starry Eyes and Toxic Lies.
They communicated online and by phone for a short time. Then they met for lunch, which Dean describes early in the book:
Conversation superseded our interest in our salads as we prattled on about various topics, including the characteristics we valued and disliked in potential mates. He spurned spoiled princesses and victim-oriented women, a group that included his mom—a counselor “ahead of her time,” yet victimized by by his Baptist father’s verbal abuse and infidelity with Jack’s piano teacher. He hated civilians, abhorred dishonesty and disloyalty—especially infidelity.
My bleeding heart was moved by his tale of woe, which he fully anticipated. Here was a man who’d been wounded on the battlefields of war and romance. “I let women walk all over me,” he proclaimed. The three purple hearts to which he laid claim paled in comparison to the heart he said was repeatedly broken by women who’d either cheated or bilked him out of money. “Learning to trust is a difficult task for me,” he said.
Can anyone say manipulation?
At one point before meeting Cass, Dean worked as an exotic dancer—that’s how she earned the money to take a prep course for her bar exam. Cass was fascinated by her former stint as a stripper, and after he manipulated Dean into marriage, saw his future in marketing his wife as a sexy model and dancer at biker clubs.
He, of course, had financial problems, child support payments and no steady income. But he had big ideas, which he convinced his wife to participate in. Gradually, he became more and more impatient with Dean’s contributions, and displayed his displeasure through emotional, psychological and sexual abuse.
Message of hope
In their letters to Lovefraud, many people have said their experiences with a sociopath were so outrageous that they should write a book about what happened to them. Melissa Dean has done it.
Many of you, who thought you were the only person on the planet experiencing the abuse and crazy-making of a sociopath, will take comfort in her story. You are not alone. In fact, many of you will recognize yourself, and the person who victimized you, in the tale.
Dean’s book has a happy ending—she escapes and begins to rebuild her life, her way. Her story is proof that you can recover from the abuse. It’s the message of hope and healing we all need.
Shabbychic: The fact that he was like that doesn’t mean that everyone is like that. Why WOULDN’T you think he was crazy about you? It sure looked like it, right? And you’re smart, and kind, and wonderful, and you want to help people. Those are all wonderful qualities. He also read those qualities in you and found a way to use them against you.
But those are still wonderful qualities. Can you use those qualities to take care of your very own self? Be kind and generous and smart and wonderful to yourself? That’s a huge step — being as good to yourself as you can be to others.
Hi, All:
Sign me up for the “3 month club”.
I walked on water and my S treated me wonderfully. Then the buzzer went off.
I still remember the Saturday afternoon he showed up at my place and hit me with the one two punch: (a) his ex said he wanted to try to make it work with S and asked me if S went back with his ex could we still be friends and (b) that he was going to a party that night and I could go because his ex was there.
I surprised myself at that moment. I told S that I couldn’t go from being his lover to his friend so he had a choice to make.
S of course then went into damage control mode. He played the sex card. We had sex right then and there in my foyer. Yup. he lured me right back into the fold. And then we took a long, romantic walk along the river.
And then that night he went to the party without me.
I should have thrown him out then and there.
That is so classic, Matt. I think that same scenario played out several times with me, too.
What’s interesting is that your first reaction is the healthy, good self-esteem one (go Matt!)…..but then he regrouped, and came back with a new strategy. And next thing you know you are staying at home while Cinderalla is at the ball. That’s their crazy-making, the manipulation. And sex and romance are such reliable cards to play. Mine played me like maestro with those. Especially in the end – he would withhold, deny, withhold, and then deliver when he really wanted something to me. And I was so starving for crumbs and so thrilled when he gave me a A WHOLE PIECE OF CAKE that I would do anything! Even watch his kids while he went out to talk on the phone with his mistress! Hey – I got my cake, I was good. And then later the fog would clear and I’d think “Hey…wait a second……”
Yes, the A–hole buzzer goes off after three months. TIMES UP! Drop the mask! GO EVIL!!!
Wow, Matt. They are so good at hitting all the buttons, aren’t they! Also, notice how he had mauled you pretty badly so that when he went into “damage control,” you were ready to receive some positive attention.
I wish I’d gotten the 3-month version. The S/P was into getting goodies that took longer to manifest. He played a heckuva game for most of the 18 months.
Rune: everything you said is true, it did seem like he was crazy about me. I am kind and generous, but lately haven’t been feeling too smart!! I do have to be good to myself and take care of myself, you’re right. Why do I feel like I have to take care of everyone? Nobody is taking care of me! I guess I have to guard my good qualities and not hand them out to someone I don’t know.
Matt: you sound like me when you said “I suprised myself at that moment”. When I said no earlier this week when the P asked me for money it was the 2nd time in a week that I said no, suprised myself! And the 2nd time I felt a little bit stronger. But I know he’ll be back… and I just need to keep suprising myself!! I should have done this months ago, I was too scared he wouldn’t come back. I guess I’ll just have to deal with it. We’re not talking about someone who treated me very well.
HH: that’s me, starving for crumbs, would (will? I don’t trust myself) do anything! And I paid for the cake! He’s been doing the same thing yours did, calling me and saying “I can’t see you for a few weeks because of my financial problems”, finally last week I just said “OK”. Then the next day he shows up at the door. Duh. I need a hit on the head with the skillet. I thought if I was nice enough I would be the special one.
Somewhere a lifetime or so ago, I made a solemn vow to myself that if anyone ever hit me I would pick up the phone and dial 911. I repeated that to myself several times over until I had it embedded in my consciousness. I had a rocky two-year stretch with an N that ended when for the 2nd or 3rd time he threw a tantrum, and this time he slammed a door into me. I picked up the phone, . . .
It helped that I had programmed myself to take care of myself. (Even though I didn’t know enough at the time to dump him earlier!) The guy ended up stalking me, stopping into a gun shop at one point (they refused to sell him a gun because he seemed unstable), and he was arrested three more times for violating the RO, the last time after he broke into my house while I was gone.
So, I encourage you to program positive behavior into your head so that if you’re surprised by one of his actions, you’ll do the right thing to watch out for yourself.
SC2: You ARE nice. You just need to find a “special one.”
Yes SC2! And that special one is YOU.
This guy is so ridiculous that he doesn’t see you for the amazing woman that you are. Seriously, you have no time for this type of buffoonery – there are so many other good people out there who deserve your love and attention- and they will give it back! This loser has got to go
(ah, it’s so so so easy for me to say that to someone else!)
my spath-hole probably got $50K or so out of me over the 20 years. here was his line: ”hey, i really need a bit of help now. so i’m gonna come over. can you help me out? i got something real sweet for you, if you do.” now i, being so into the sex, would respond, ”sure, no problem.” then, after a few years, when i knew he was cheating here and there, i would hold my ground (for about 2 seconds). ”no, i don’t have it right now.” his response: (said in a very upbeat and happy tone): ”okay, no problem, i know where i can get it if you don’t have it.” this, of course, meant that he would go to another female for the money. this would send terror through me and i would relent … every time. he played me like a friggin’ stratavarius! but i console myself in knowing that he is THE master s/p/n. at least i got taken by the best. is that better than not?