Melissa K. Dean was a new lawyer in a new job. All she needed was a new romantic interest. So she posted her profile in Match.com, and received more than 30 responses in the first two days. One of the men started began his message boldly, writing, “Hi Gorgeous!”
For a woman who had long doubted her feminine appeal, the words were irresistible. More words followed—words that seemed to indicate mutual interests and goals, words that appealed to the woman’s sympathies.
Melissa K. Dean tells the story of being seduced by, married to, and then abused by, Jack Cass, a man who claimed to be a former Navy SEAL. It’s a classic story of sociopathic victimization.
Exotic dancer
Dean tells her story in a new book available in the Lovefraud Store, Hi Gorgeous! Starry Eyes and Toxic Lies.
They communicated online and by phone for a short time. Then they met for lunch, which Dean describes early in the book:
Conversation superseded our interest in our salads as we prattled on about various topics, including the characteristics we valued and disliked in potential mates. He spurned spoiled princesses and victim-oriented women, a group that included his mom—a counselor “ahead of her time,” yet victimized by by his Baptist father’s verbal abuse and infidelity with Jack’s piano teacher. He hated civilians, abhorred dishonesty and disloyalty—especially infidelity.
My bleeding heart was moved by his tale of woe, which he fully anticipated. Here was a man who’d been wounded on the battlefields of war and romance. “I let women walk all over me,” he proclaimed. The three purple hearts to which he laid claim paled in comparison to the heart he said was repeatedly broken by women who’d either cheated or bilked him out of money. “Learning to trust is a difficult task for me,” he said.
Can anyone say manipulation?
At one point before meeting Cass, Dean worked as an exotic dancer—that’s how she earned the money to take a prep course for her bar exam. Cass was fascinated by her former stint as a stripper, and after he manipulated Dean into marriage, saw his future in marketing his wife as a sexy model and dancer at biker clubs.
He, of course, had financial problems, child support payments and no steady income. But he had big ideas, which he convinced his wife to participate in. Gradually, he became more and more impatient with Dean’s contributions, and displayed his displeasure through emotional, psychological and sexual abuse.
Message of hope
In their letters to Lovefraud, many people have said their experiences with a sociopath were so outrageous that they should write a book about what happened to them. Melissa Dean has done it.
Many of you, who thought you were the only person on the planet experiencing the abuse and crazy-making of a sociopath, will take comfort in her story. You are not alone. In fact, many of you will recognize yourself, and the person who victimized you, in the tale.
Dean’s book has a happy ending—she escapes and begins to rebuild her life, her way. Her story is proof that you can recover from the abuse. It’s the message of hope and healing we all need.
Hey everyone, hope all’s as well as it can be for us. It can;t get worse unless we’re all STUPID enough to try and think we’re to blame for the way our ex’s acted and the garbage they put us through.
My ex tried to justify her cheating on me the first time by saying it was MY fault! She said she was lonely, that I was bringing negativity into the relationship and she turned to someone who was positive. I told her she should’;ve come to me and we couldv’e talked about it and she said she did but she never, ever once came to me with concerns. She was with the other guy, so why would she feel like she was doing anything wrong?!?! She had someone else, maybe two ofthese guys, telling her she was perfect, feeding her pathetic little ego, which I didn’t know at the time. So what did I do? I stupidly forgave her and signed up for anger management, which I did on my own and it was a major benefit. I told her I did after my second meeting and let her know this would help our communication. But, she still had a way of pushing me and I still found a way to get angry with what she was doing. That was my fault for giving in but she didn’t think she should try and work things out; she put all of that on me. In short, she wanted ME to do all of the changing and didn’t think she needed to.
Her sister has been having a rough time with her ex (who I suspect is also a sociopath) so I’ve been talking to her, sharing advice with her that I picked up here at LoveFraud and my own therapist and from time to time, we talk about her sister. She says this husband of hers has no balls and will not say no to her and does whatever she wants. It’s terrible. I sincerely hope this guy wakes up one day and realizes his marriage is basically the same as him running on a treadmill: he’s going nowhere and will become exhausted trying to get somewhere. He’ll most likely do all the changing and she won’t change herself at all. She also talked to her cousin who said ‘If it were me, I would’ve let your sister go to jail for the stealing incident.’ I mean, these are family members who are saying these things, not freinds or starngers. That’s my barometer as to how screwed up this girl is. What an asshole I was to think things would getter better bwteen us.
My therapist mentioned healthy relationships start with 2 healthy individuals. It’s about doing fun things together, being there for one another, laughing, positive reinforcement and great sex. It’s not about helping someone get of of messes they’ve gotten themselves into or keep getting into, it’s not about constant fighting and putdowns and brining up past issues just to one-up someone and it’s most certainly not about deception to benefit yourself, planning an exit if you’re not happy and shitting on someone’s life after you’ve sucked them dry. My brother, after finding out the marriage went thrugh said to me ‘If I’m you, I’m treating this like you just avoided a head on car crash. I’m wiping the sweat from my forehead and telling myself BOY, THAT WAS CLOSE!’ More and more, I’m beginning to realize how lucky I am I’m not married to someone with so much baggage. She may have stock in Louis Vuitton with all the baggage she has.
We all need to heal and this site is an outlet for all of us to express our anger, our pain and our experiences to better see these scammers for that they really are and to realize that WE are the ones who have the love to give because WE KNOW what love is. I know we all have different recovery times but in the end, who’s gonna be the one finishing the race? We are. We’re a team and one thing a team does to strengthen themselves is to work on plays they all know AND to pick up a fallen team mate.We’ll all finish the race, and if one of us falls down, the rest of us will be there to pick him or her up. That’s what we do!
Hey Plowman: Thank you for sharing a recipe for a healthy relationship: 1. start with two healthy individuals; 2. add fun things and laughter . . . 3. Make sure to have a hefty helping of positive reinforcement, 4. Great sex gets you through the times of garbled communication . . .
Thank you for showing up!
Oh, YEAH TEAM!!!
(laughgs) Rune, I hope me saying that didn’t give anyone the idea that none of knew what a healthy relationship consists of. I, for one, was in a completely dysfunctional one and God knows why I stuck around for 10 years! If you read my first post, the minute she lied about the rape I should’ve just cut the cord right there. Guess I was thinking with my heart and not my head. One other thing my therapist mentioned was not to get involved with someone who wants to change you and vice versa. She did point out that although I was trying to get her on the same page with regards to paying bills and not wanting to go out on work nights (which was EVERY night) and staying out late and especially blowing money folishly, I was trying to change her, although it was for the better. So, I guess the lesson I learned, among the countless others, was to grow with someone and let them grow with you – not to change them or let them change me. I mean, people do change but it should be a result of being with that other person and respecting them, not to try and be some control freak about everything.
I’m a firm proponent of positive re-inforcement, too, but if the money didn’t go along with it, it was wasted. That’s one reason why I’m still close with her sisters and especially her youngest sisters kids, one of which is my Godson, the other one looks mt me like her step dad. I did mention their father was killed last Summer and as hard as it was for me to be around them at first, it was more important that I stay connected to them and still stay in their lives. I’m glad I did because the love they have for me and me for them is as strong as it’s ever been. Guess that’s the team-playing mentality I still have!
Thanks for your kind words, Rune, and I hope what I wrote wasn;t in any way taken out of what it’s intentions were.
I marvel that we discuss such difficult subjects and we are so gentle with each other. Even when the disagreements appear. I guess we’re showing that we have those skills, regardless of the trauma of our past relationships. Is this one way of “taking responsibility for my part in the relationship”? In my case, I brought the good part, and he brought the rest? (I’m cracking myself up and I haven’t had coffee yet.)
Plowman: You highlighting good stuff is great for bringing balance into our discussions,
I think you also make an interesting point about staying in touch with the ex-in-laws. It sounds like that is working for you. For others of us, it’s too dangerous for us to continue. I’m glad you can, for the sake of the children and yourself.
Last night I spent time with a guy who has had a crush on me for six months, but I never really gave him much of a chance because of the mind warp with the S. He seems extremely nice. He has a six year old and seems to be a really good father. I feel like he has a controlling streak though, I pick him apart constantly, so afraid he is one of them in disguise. I let him stay with me because we had both had a bit too much too drink (no sex though I am sticking to that one for a while). It felt so foreign the way he held me, and the way he didn’t just jump up at the crack of dawn, like he couldn’t take being with me for one more second, the way the S did. I think maybe he actually cares about me, but I am looking for reasons to push him away because I am so scared to death. And I think it could be confusing for him, which I hate because I would never want to confuse someone the way the S did me. I try to stay very up front, but it is hard for him to understand, because there is no way for me to explain what I have been through, I would sound crazy I think. He wouldn’t get it. Blah blah, just venting. It almost makes me miss the warped thing with the S, it became so familiar. One week since I have had No Contact. It has been so difficult, but good.
eliza,
If your natural reaction is to push him away then it may be your heart’s way of telling you you arent’ ready. Sounds silly but I know exactly how you feel. That’s probably why I go on a lot of first dates. Sometimes I do feel like I am not getting to really know someone so I could be missing opportunities but really…..if the timing isn’t right then you can’t force it to work either.
I would start to miss him sometimes too….it’s the comfort of waking up with and going to bed with someone……and you tend to remember how good it felt when you need to feel that way. Then eventually you remember how he hurt you too. THAT is his behavior also and is just as significant as the good stuff.
Take it slow. That’s my advice. Last night I was at a friend’s house for her husband’s birthday and a guy I dated for a few weeks was there. At the end of the night I was leaving and he put his coat on and walked out with me. He asked if he could stay at my house because I live close by and he lives 30 minutes away. I told him since he had been drinking he could stay in my spare room but had to leave early because I would be up and out early and my kids were home. He started saying how he didn’t want to be an inconvenience and disrupt anything with my kids……I said “Ok well drive safely then” I got in my SUV and left. he did this purposely to try to stay with me.
He was trying to manipulate and get me to feel guilty…..Listen, you are a big boy and if you know you have to drive, don’t drink. I’m done taking care of grown men. I have me and my two kids who are priority and many great friends who come first. It totally turned me off and I had no interest. This is one of the reason’s I didn’t want to see him anymore.
Remember NO CONTACT eliza, regardless of how you miss him. I have been there. Don’t do it !!
About the guy last night…… we dated for about five weeks and he told me he loved me. He is 34 and owns a bed and a table and a computer. I found out that he is $60,000 in debt because he was fired from a job in LA before he moved here to VA. He had a girlfriend there that he lived with and when he lived in Singapore….same story…..had a girlfriend he lived with. Do you think maybe he is looking for a place to stay? LOL.. He seems like a nice guy. he has an advanced degree and a good job. he had told me he owns 2 homes in India but money is tight until August.
Oxy will remember I had posted that he asked me to go away for the MLK weekend, gave me three options then told me he could not afford it. I’m 48. I told him he needs to find someone his own age.
Here is another one……I went out with a guy that a friend had introduced me to. My friend told me he was an opthalmologist. (spelling?) Apparently he doesn’t know the difference between an optholmologist, optomatrist and an optician. The guy is apparently an unemployed optician. So a friend asked me if he at least fitted me for eye glasses……LOL. SHouldn’t they at least have a job??? Or have money if they invite you to go away???
KF: I’d love to take you away to, um, let me think, uh, Oh yeah, a blissful two weeks in exotic (insert hot vacation destination here). Oh, I’m a little short of cash right now, but you won’t mind picking up the tab, right? And it will be OK with you if I bring my two dogs? And my ferret and bird and cat (which I don’t have, but I was thinking about getting . . . )
What is it with these guys that they think that sort of thing will fly?
Seriously, KF, if you’re looking to throw money around for no good reason, you can probably find a lot better company here! (LOL)