Melissa K. Dean was a new lawyer in a new job. All she needed was a new romantic interest. So she posted her profile in Match.com, and received more than 30 responses in the first two days. One of the men started began his message boldly, writing, “Hi Gorgeous!”
For a woman who had long doubted her feminine appeal, the words were irresistible. More words followed—words that seemed to indicate mutual interests and goals, words that appealed to the woman’s sympathies.
Melissa K. Dean tells the story of being seduced by, married to, and then abused by, Jack Cass, a man who claimed to be a former Navy SEAL. It’s a classic story of sociopathic victimization.
Exotic dancer
Dean tells her story in a new book available in the Lovefraud Store, Hi Gorgeous! Starry Eyes and Toxic Lies.
They communicated online and by phone for a short time. Then they met for lunch, which Dean describes early in the book:
Conversation superseded our interest in our salads as we prattled on about various topics, including the characteristics we valued and disliked in potential mates. He spurned spoiled princesses and victim-oriented women, a group that included his mom—a counselor “ahead of her time,” yet victimized by by his Baptist father’s verbal abuse and infidelity with Jack’s piano teacher. He hated civilians, abhorred dishonesty and disloyalty—especially infidelity.
My bleeding heart was moved by his tale of woe, which he fully anticipated. Here was a man who’d been wounded on the battlefields of war and romance. “I let women walk all over me,” he proclaimed. The three purple hearts to which he laid claim paled in comparison to the heart he said was repeatedly broken by women who’d either cheated or bilked him out of money. “Learning to trust is a difficult task for me,” he said.
Can anyone say manipulation?
At one point before meeting Cass, Dean worked as an exotic dancer—that’s how she earned the money to take a prep course for her bar exam. Cass was fascinated by her former stint as a stripper, and after he manipulated Dean into marriage, saw his future in marketing his wife as a sexy model and dancer at biker clubs.
He, of course, had financial problems, child support payments and no steady income. But he had big ideas, which he convinced his wife to participate in. Gradually, he became more and more impatient with Dean’s contributions, and displayed his displeasure through emotional, psychological and sexual abuse.
Message of hope
In their letters to Lovefraud, many people have said their experiences with a sociopath were so outrageous that they should write a book about what happened to them. Melissa Dean has done it.
Many of you, who thought you were the only person on the planet experiencing the abuse and crazy-making of a sociopath, will take comfort in her story. You are not alone. In fact, many of you will recognize yourself, and the person who victimized you, in the tale.
Dean’s book has a happy ending—she escapes and begins to rebuild her life, her way. Her story is proof that you can recover from the abuse. It’s the message of hope and healing we all need.
Rune,
LMAO……and I could probably find someone closer to my age. Now I don’t think the guy is an S/P but I’m not interested in playing sugar mommy either.
They are coming out of the woodwork.
i have aguy friend who is 36 and we hang out sometimes. I see him at the gym. he suddenly thinks we should get married. I said”well I kind of imagined dating someone first to see how it goes.” He responds by saying “well maybe I could just have a room in your house, cause I may get laid off.
HMMMMMM “and may I cook and clean for you as well as pay your rent?”
Seriously Rune, look closely at me. Do I have dumbass written on my forehead?
Plowman:
Great advice on what makes for a great relationship. I’m going to print it out and carry it in my wallet!
Also key about not trying to change them. I’ve posted before that I was S’s “one man Salvation Army” — his personal ATM, lawyer, social director, etc. In 15 months I blew well over 50 grand on him on dinners, dates, trips, etc.
In addition to that I bailed him out on his rent several times — the first 3 months of this year. He paid one month. The night I gave him his walking papers he was working me over to try to get 10 grand out of me because he hadn’t paid his rent in 7 months.
I gave it my all trying to get his life on track. Once I tossed his background and realized he had 15 default judgments against him, 3 more creditor cases pending, in addition to the landlord’s eviction proceeding, I realized he was never going to change. He just wanted one thing — me to underwrite his life while he continued to abuse me and cheat on me.
Yours didn’t get sent to prison — yet. Mine has been once, and is well on his way for a second taxpayer funded stay at the Iron Bar Hotel.
Like you, I led with my heart. No more.
Eliza: Trust your gut. If you’ve got a vibe about this guy, listen to it. I do think you may be rushing things a little bit — based on your earliest posts, it sounds like you’ve still got one foot in the S camp. Let the brain fog lift so you can really trust your decision making.
Rune: “KF: I’d love to take you away to, um, let me think, uh, Oh yeah, a blissful two weeks in exotic (insert hot vacation destination here). Oh, I’m a little short of cash right now, but you won’t mind picking up the tab, right?” Let’s see — 2 weeks in Greece, and countless other trips, etc. Based on my AMEX bill for last year, I picked up so many tabs I could open my own beer can factory.
keeping_faith:
What an offer. For the life of me I can’t understand why you turned it down!
Of course, you’ve got them wanting to move in. I would have done anything to get S to move in. Now, I’m so thankful he didn’t — I would have had to pay a lot more than 10 grand to get him out of here — it probably would have taken dynamite. And if I had married him? Pre-nup or no I would have paid big-time.
Matt,
It’s funny that you say that becuase the XS/P and I had planned on him moving in with me for about six months until OUR house was built. At the last minute he said no he wouldn’t live in my home because it used to be owned by my x husband (for three weeks). In reality he couldn’t pull the trigger because his daughter read him the riot act about moving in, getting engaged, and that I had not given him money yet toward the new house……(THANK GOD)
So at one point he wanted back in and started moving his clothes in. I thought at the time that this was a good thing. He started pressuring me to sell my house. Then he cheated again and I told him to get out for the last time. Put his stuff in four trash bags and dropped it off to him in a parking lot.
We would have paid big time Matt. There is no doubt. He built the house, had a big mortgage that he couldn’t afford. Within months he had a huge lie of credit that he started using (about $60,000) had another year of college tuition. Promised her a new car. AND HE HAS LOST HIS JOB…… Yea I would have paid !!!
Keeping-faith:
I remember when I proposed to S that he moved in. He told me “you don’t have enough closet space.” I’ve got 3 closets in my bedroom — 2 are walk-ins. But, I actually had an architect come in to see about expanding that.
One of my best friends figured out what the hell I was dealing with way before I did. When I told him that S and I were looking at vacation property in Florida, he told me if I did this, I would end up paying every penny and S would then have a claim on 50 percent of the property. Fortunately, the crashing housing market put that plan on hold.
However, then I told him I was thinking of proposing to S. Since his family is in the jewelry business, I asked them for a price on a ring I had designed, with a 2 carat diamond solitaire.
At cost it was 15 GRAND. My friend dragged his feet on putting the ring into production. Thank God. The only way I would have ever gotten that ring back from S was if I cut off his finger.
My friend also told me “if you are determined to marry him I am going to make sure he signs the mother of all pre-nups.” He saw I wasn’t getting it and said “I think you’re going to have the answers to a lot of your questions by the time this summer is over.”
Boy, did he call that one right. By the time the vacation from hell to Greece was over, did I have the answers to my questions. And then some. Of course, things still dragged out for another 2 months.
I paid and paid some more. But, what I shelled out was chump change compared to what I would have shelled out. Chump change. Now that I think about it, that rather describes myself and what I had to do afte the S — Chump Change.
Still,
keeping_faith:
Also, I like the trash bag delivery. When I made the last of the S’s belongings available for pick-up, I remember I threw in his toothbrush. My therapist said “that is sending a very strong message.” I remember thinking yeah. Way overdue.
OMG, I did the same thing….. I even packed the toothbrush. I was totally stupid…..never even considered a prenup. He bought me a 2 1/2 carat diamond. He gave oit to me then took it back three times. Mostly because his daughter didn’t want me to have it…..long story nut very wierd relationship with is daughter. I would never have kept it. He never really intended to keep the relationship going. It was about a month after he bought me the ring and two days after we finished the selections for the house that I found him in bed with the x stripper…..but WE WERE BROKEN UP (for two days).
I read your story Matt and there are similarities as with most. Mine is from Nov. Not one thing about him is real. Read it if you get a chance. I have read your posts and am interested in your perspective. I too have an advanced degree, good job, beautiful home……I was completely snowed, then devastated, like you. I am over the self blame and I REALLY want the pain to end.
Hey guys – I’m part of the advanced degree, good job, beautiful home, club that got snowed and then devastated. I can’t believe I fell for it. A week or so ago I read through all our email exchanges during our nine month relationship – and honestly, I seem psychotic. He sounds like a psycho, and I sound like someone who is on heavy medications and just not tuned in. It’s clear that I was in some kind of trance, and that I didn’t want to believe certain things.
I only have one psychologist friend with whom I talk about this. But I don’t tell her all the details. I’m embarrassed. I can’t believe what a sucker I was.
Oh – and I let him move in. That was a good move in that it expedited the breakup – I was much more aware of his behaviors, his comings and goings. But bad because I feel like he tainted my beautiful home. I still don’t understand why he moved in as it seemed to cramp his style. Well, not for long. Maybe he was punishing some other girlfriend, torturing her, by doing that. Maybe it was all about payback and nothing about me. Jeez, this is all so mind boggling
It’s mind boggling HH because we want to believe that there is some reasoning, some purpose behind the actions and words and behaviors…… but the only purpose is to manipulate and push boundaries to exploit the good things about us for their personal gain whether that be money attention, sex whatever…..
The only gain I can see with the XS/P was attention from women and admiration from men…..but it was all made up stuff. I don’t think these idiots realize people can be admired for simply being good solid, truthful individuals with a good level of integrity. No one cared if he was or wasn’t a Navy SEAL but that gave him INSTANT admiration…… what a jackass. Why else would a 50 yr old man decide to be a part time bouncer in a biker bar for crying outloud……GOD!!!
As for the emails, letters….photos. I read them adn threw them all away one day, including the photos from the album. I didn’t want to but I felt like maybe it would halp me to let go a little more. It helpd a little.
That Navy seal lie is a WHOPPER. Did he really think he could get away with that? Actually, according to some of your previous posts, he does get away with it.
Mine had a lot of money, but really no explanation about where it came from. I think maybe he was a drug dealer…or perhaps he had swindled it from other women. I have no idea – as I’ve learned that so many things about him were a lie, I have no idea if anything about him is true. I guess it doesn’t matter.
I don’t know how in the hell is ex-wife could put up with him for the 10-15 something years they were together. And she still wants him. It just doesn’t make sense. She must be a sick puppy. Unfortunately, the fact that he had this longterm relationship under his belt was one of the hooks for me. I thought he was capable of long periods of commitment and monogamy. Now I know this guy couldn’t go two weeks just having sex with one partner. I can’t believe she lets him have the kids for overnights.
Sometimes I feel like I want to see him now, not to be back with him, but to look in his eyes. And to say “Why? How could you have done this?” And just see what kind of lies he would come up with – or perhaps the truth. Don’t worry folks, I’m not going to do it.
At times I thought he really didn’t know what the truth was and what it wasn’t. He would vehemently deny something he had already admitted to earlier. It was bizarre – and he looked like he passionately beleived what he was saying. Sometimes I wondered if some serious wires were crossed in his brain. I guess they were.