Melissa K. Dean was a new lawyer in a new job. All she needed was a new romantic interest. So she posted her profile in Match.com, and received more than 30 responses in the first two days. One of the men started began his message boldly, writing, “Hi Gorgeous!”
For a woman who had long doubted her feminine appeal, the words were irresistible. More words followed—words that seemed to indicate mutual interests and goals, words that appealed to the woman’s sympathies.
Melissa K. Dean tells the story of being seduced by, married to, and then abused by, Jack Cass, a man who claimed to be a former Navy SEAL. It’s a classic story of sociopathic victimization.
Exotic dancer
Dean tells her story in a new book available in the Lovefraud Store, Hi Gorgeous! Starry Eyes and Toxic Lies.
They communicated online and by phone for a short time. Then they met for lunch, which Dean describes early in the book:
Conversation superseded our interest in our salads as we prattled on about various topics, including the characteristics we valued and disliked in potential mates. He spurned spoiled princesses and victim-oriented women, a group that included his mom—a counselor “ahead of her time,” yet victimized by by his Baptist father’s verbal abuse and infidelity with Jack’s piano teacher. He hated civilians, abhorred dishonesty and disloyalty—especially infidelity.
My bleeding heart was moved by his tale of woe, which he fully anticipated. Here was a man who’d been wounded on the battlefields of war and romance. “I let women walk all over me,” he proclaimed. The three purple hearts to which he laid claim paled in comparison to the heart he said was repeatedly broken by women who’d either cheated or bilked him out of money. “Learning to trust is a difficult task for me,” he said.
Can anyone say manipulation?
At one point before meeting Cass, Dean worked as an exotic dancer—that’s how she earned the money to take a prep course for her bar exam. Cass was fascinated by her former stint as a stripper, and after he manipulated Dean into marriage, saw his future in marketing his wife as a sexy model and dancer at biker clubs.
He, of course, had financial problems, child support payments and no steady income. But he had big ideas, which he convinced his wife to participate in. Gradually, he became more and more impatient with Dean’s contributions, and displayed his displeasure through emotional, psychological and sexual abuse.
Message of hope
In their letters to Lovefraud, many people have said their experiences with a sociopath were so outrageous that they should write a book about what happened to them. Melissa Dean has done it.
Many of you, who thought you were the only person on the planet experiencing the abuse and crazy-making of a sociopath, will take comfort in her story. You are not alone. In fact, many of you will recognize yourself, and the person who victimized you, in the tale.
Dean’s book has a happy ending—she escapes and begins to rebuild her life, her way. Her story is proof that you can recover from the abuse. It’s the message of hope and healing we all need.
HH,
Sometimes I wish I were less analytical and was able to just say “something isn’t right. This guy is bad for me screw this.” But they say they love us and for a period of time they treat us that way. It’s the not understanding why that makes us crazy. We kept going back for more and like you my time with him was short and I often wonder how his wife did it for 25 years????
But my therapist asked me oonce if I had ever seen those people on TV who are messmerized by snakes….poisonous snakes….they go after them in caves…..and they get bit alot. It gets to the point where their bodies become immune to the poison. He said so what do they get out of playing with the snakes after a while? They jsut get bitten.
I get his point….that you keep going back and yo ueventually become immune and you forget that they are as poisonous as they are. WE WERE SMART and we should give ourselves some credit for that. I’m not sure there is a WHY answer that would make sense to us.
Yes, I wish I had done the “screw it, I’m outta here” when I first felt something was off – which was immediately. Just his voice greeting on his voice mail was strange and hostile. But everytime I called him on something (in the first three months) he would basically say “thank you so much for pointing that out, I didn’t realize it, I’ll change it right away.” And he would. And then he’d say “I’m so lucky to have you in my life to point out these things. No one ever did before.”
And I LOVED IT. But I wish that I hadn’t repeatedly try to “work things through” and give him a chance to explain. He always had an explanation. Usually they were somewhat believable, but I always had to be willing to take a leap of faith, because there were holes. And I took leap after leap after leap. Sometimes I would take the leap before he even got through the lie. The first three months with him were so deliriously beautiful that I was certain we were soulmates put together by God. I did not want to lose that thought, that feeling. And I would buy so many lies in the mission of preserving the fantasy. OUTRAGEOUS lies.
I think you are right about his ex-wife being one of those snake people. I think she was so beaten down and crazy that she is no longer plugged in to reality. And, she has kids with him, so she could never really do NC.
I think it speaks to our strength, and some solid self-esteem, that we got out as early as we did. Kathleen once wrote that my ex S will just be “a bit player” in my life. I love that thought. In years to come – he will just be that psycho I was in a relationship with which was terrible, but a fabulous launchpad into the next chapter of my life.
That’s a perfect way of looking at it “launchpad” I like it. I hope one day we look back on this experience and it will be a tiny blip on the radar screen of life!! Somehow I think it will have yet a lasting impact. But i DO want it to be insignificant.
Healing Heart:
Sign me up for the “he had a long-term relationship and that was one of the draws for me club.”
My S had two back-to-back 8 year relationships. In my mind that meant he knew what it take to make a relationship work. That was the worst assumption I ever made.
I now see that he put both of my predecessors through hell. One became a priest — I’m convinced he did it to get away from S. The other is a mess — took up with one guy while S was in prison, was all set to have a civil union with him and it fell apart and has had several short termers since then.
I used to hate this guy for his interference in my relationship with S. I now see he’s been driven ’round the bend and over the cliff by S. He’s determined to win back S. He should be careful what he wishes for. I heard what S said about him. And I know what’s in store for him. Unfortunately, I don’t ever see him blogging on LoveFraud.
I’m almost angry at the ex-wife for staying so long and having kids with him – because it was a key factor in my taking the bait. It really was the only “normal” thing about him. He had had a longterm relationship – very longterm. And she loved and trusted him enough to have children with him after 10 years together. I thought this was a sign that he was a good man, someone who could make a real loyal commitment.
I wonder sometimes if he behaved “better” then, 10 years ago, and has since been getting worse over the years. I do’t know how she could have put up with him otherwise. His behavior was so horrendous with me in the 9 months we were together. I know addictions, like sex addictions, get worse over the years, as do some mental health disorders left untreated. I wonder if its the same for Antisocial. I wonder if they get worse until they are just too old physically to keep up with their antics. Also, the internet was a huge tool for my ex S. He would go to those “hook-up” sites all the time and find (very sick) women who were willing to have unprotected sex with him (a stranger) at the drop of a hat.
I also wonder what he told his other women, and his new girlfriend about me. I’m not sure he would say “psycho” because I almost never took his bait from drama and always stayed calm (and stupid). He said that it really disappointed him when I wouldn’t join in yelling, screaming….that he felt let down by that lack of drama. I think he would say I was arrogant, judgemental, and unforgiving. The unforgiving thing he always used to throw at me. It’s ludicrous. And he would seem genuinely pissed at me for not forgiving.
And, after everything he did, and six months passing since I threw him out he said that it was “unthinkable” to him that I wouldn’t give “US” another chance. That he couldn’t believe that I had such a cold heart and unforgiving nature that I had completely shut down. “It’s unbelieveable to me that you wouldn’t want to work on this.”
Healing Heart:
“I wonder if they get worse until they are just too old physically to keep up with their antics.”
I have asked myself that question a million times. My therapist says there’s evidence that a lot of these guys, as they hit late middle age, suddenly do an about-face and start gardening and having house-fulls of cats. Personally, I think that’s just their latest incarnation of the pity play.
Like you, I never participated in the psychodrama — no yelling, no screaming. Unlike his last ex, where they constantly went at it, I was, just big ol’ dumb me — the human punching bag.
The night I finally ran him off was the first time I lost my temper and actually fought back. I still remember the look on his face — a mix of shock and wonder — when he said “Are you aware this is the first time we’ve ever fought?”
I agree with you — it seems like our stories have so many overlaps. It’s gotten me to wondering not if, but when S is going to take a run at me to try to get back together. I suspect it will happen about the time the third collection notice goes out for the money he owes me.
And I have no doubt he’ll go for the pity play — whenever I tried to stand my ground whenever he escalated things, he would go into his “Oh, yeah. Like the big, powerful attorney can’t look out for himself.”
As for it being unbelievable that you wouldn’t want to work on “this” — I’m physically and emotionally bankrupt after 15 months of “this”. I hope I never have “this” in my life again.
I think he will come back, Matt. We are all sources of supply. And as you show strength, you are showing that you have some supply left – and its growing. Mine used me and then seemed to have so much disdain for me. After he left (I threw him out, but he made it impossible for me to not do so) – After two months of being flat out devastated, I started living again, being somewhat future oriented. I was still in a TON of pain, but wasn’t catatonic anymore. I was still in touch with him at the time, too. Not often, but still in touch, which was too often. As soon as I started working on this big research project (it was an honor to be asked) and started planning a trip to Europe with one of my girlfriends, he suddenly started seeing me as desirable again. Like “oh, the girl’s got some supply again! Gimme that!”
And when I went full NC, he went nuts (obsession with me) and began the stalking, etc. He would alternate between calls and emails desperately telling me he loved me and we belonged together, and at other times telling me I was a cold hearted b-tch.
I only got him to stop when I told him I was going to make it a point to find his girlfriend(s) and tell them the truth. I also changed my phone number and just stopped opening any emails from addresses I didn’t recognize.
I still think he will come back again someday.
You know, Matt, one of the things that surprises me about your guy is that he sounds kinda like, excuse me, a fat dopey slob. Not only are you a much better catch (uh, please, by a million miles), you are also much better looking (I get that sense). I am probably better looking than my ex (as much as you can compare women and men qualitatively – I’m a tall, slim, leggy, blonde), but he was VERY attractive in his own way, spent a lot of time at the gym, and was just, well, uh, endowed with many good physical qualities. And had that high level of testosterone that so many of them have. In sum, he was HOT. Women of all ages were drawn to him. Your guy sounds kinda gross. YOU seem hot. Was he hot when you met him?
Regarding your post about staying in touch with my ex’s sisters and her niece and nephew, it was a little difficult at first, I’ll be honest. I think there was concern that I may bail out on the kids because the youngest sisters daughter was the one that broke the news about the marriage to me. On the contrary, she showed me more maturity and compassion than her grandparents. They were the first two people to know and neither said a word to me, and they haven’t made any effort to see how I’m doing but then again, I haven’t tried to contact them, either. The last tme I saw my ex’s Mom was Halloween when I took the kids trick or treating and took them back to my ex’s aunt’s house (her Mother’s youngest sister). The mother did not look very pleased to see me but I never gave her or her husband a reason to not be. She and her husband had no reason to be that way; they were the ones who could’ve been the good guys and let me in on this BS. It wasn’t just about the husband, ‘Todd’ either; it was her months of dating and screwing ‘Frank’, too. That’s why the mother called him for the restitution money to keep her daughtre out of jail. They were still dating and her daugther kept him around for convenience just like she did me. I hope Frank gets his money back but at this point, I can’t worry about that. It would be funny and very satisfying to hear that he came after her for the money and the husband had no clue what was happening and finally saw her who and what she is – a human piece of garbage.
HH, you bring up a great point in your post about getting out. After a couple of months, I realized I had to get out and be amongst people, even if it meant just going to the Mall and walking around for a while. I did go out on a few dates and was very careful not to make my heartache a topic of conversation. I kept it to one or two sentences and left it at that. You’d be surprised that all of these women were all very, very sympathetic and basically asked me to not stereotype the entire female gender (laughs) as a result of someone with issues – and trust me, my ex has more issue than she’ll ever admit but of course won’t admit it because she doesn’t think she has any. What a contradiction!
That makes me think back to the times my ex would throw pity parties just to get my attention for something. When she wanted to, she could turn on the tear machine & give me the old ‘You don’t need me. I’ve got problems’ but more often than not, she didn’t think anything was wrong with her. I find that to be a big trait with sociopaths.
Funny how our ex’s have very little self confidence but have massive ego’s at the same time, too. It’s like they have multiple personalities or something.
I know I won’t do anything to her, but if I knew I could get away with it, I would’ve pounded her into the ground already and felt not one ounce of sympathy as I drove away, either. This is how deep my hate runs for this girl. I know we alll have that hate where we want to see some sort of spiritual justice take place but I refuse to give in and make myself look bad. I would love to speed up the Karma Wheel and see her get what’s coming to her. I know we all feel that way. I’ve come too far to regress and I won’t let you guys down, either. So, it’s off to get some coffee. Anyone want anything while I’m out? It’s on me.
Matt,
I know, I know I am absolutely not ready for anything new, my heads a wreck. I am totally not dating right now. I told the guy as much, about a million times. Guess I am going to just have to start insituting NC all over the place. What fun.
Hey Plowman – so sorry to hear about your nightmare woman. Geez….sociopath in female form. They are so hideous in the male form, but something about a female sociopath seems even more repulsive. {SHIVER}.
I kinda smiled when you said that you tried not to talk about your ex on dates. I went on some dates in the summer (too soon, but I was just trying to get out of the house), and even though I KNEW it was the wrong thing to do, I couldn’t help talking about my Ex. It was compulsive. I’d be sitting with this handsome guy, and telling myself “don’t do it…don’t do it…..) but I couldn’t help myself.
I’m so glad I have you guys, now.
I’ve never felt the rage that I feel at my ex S. And the fact that he doesn’t see why I’m so angry “Oh, so you’re still in that angry place” makes me even further enraged. I haven’t spoken to him in a while, but he managed to leak these messages through to me for a while (sneaky bastard) until I shut down every possible conduit to get to me.
Glad you have met some nice women! I think most of us are! Then again, I’ve always been a bit of a dope in seeing the best in every one – that’s part of what got me in this jam