Melissa K. Dean was a new lawyer in a new job. All she needed was a new romantic interest. So she posted her profile in Match.com, and received more than 30 responses in the first two days. One of the men started began his message boldly, writing, “Hi Gorgeous!”
For a woman who had long doubted her feminine appeal, the words were irresistible. More words followed—words that seemed to indicate mutual interests and goals, words that appealed to the woman’s sympathies.
Melissa K. Dean tells the story of being seduced by, married to, and then abused by, Jack Cass, a man who claimed to be a former Navy SEAL. It’s a classic story of sociopathic victimization.
Exotic dancer
Dean tells her story in a new book available in the Lovefraud Store, Hi Gorgeous! Starry Eyes and Toxic Lies.
They communicated online and by phone for a short time. Then they met for lunch, which Dean describes early in the book:
Conversation superseded our interest in our salads as we prattled on about various topics, including the characteristics we valued and disliked in potential mates. He spurned spoiled princesses and victim-oriented women, a group that included his mom—a counselor “ahead of her time,” yet victimized by by his Baptist father’s verbal abuse and infidelity with Jack’s piano teacher. He hated civilians, abhorred dishonesty and disloyalty—especially infidelity.
My bleeding heart was moved by his tale of woe, which he fully anticipated. Here was a man who’d been wounded on the battlefields of war and romance. “I let women walk all over me,” he proclaimed. The three purple hearts to which he laid claim paled in comparison to the heart he said was repeatedly broken by women who’d either cheated or bilked him out of money. “Learning to trust is a difficult task for me,” he said.
Can anyone say manipulation?
At one point before meeting Cass, Dean worked as an exotic dancer—that’s how she earned the money to take a prep course for her bar exam. Cass was fascinated by her former stint as a stripper, and after he manipulated Dean into marriage, saw his future in marketing his wife as a sexy model and dancer at biker clubs.
He, of course, had financial problems, child support payments and no steady income. But he had big ideas, which he convinced his wife to participate in. Gradually, he became more and more impatient with Dean’s contributions, and displayed his displeasure through emotional, psychological and sexual abuse.
Message of hope
In their letters to Lovefraud, many people have said their experiences with a sociopath were so outrageous that they should write a book about what happened to them. Melissa Dean has done it.
Many of you, who thought you were the only person on the planet experiencing the abuse and crazy-making of a sociopath, will take comfort in her story. You are not alone. In fact, many of you will recognize yourself, and the person who victimized you, in the tale.
Dean’s book has a happy ending—she escapes and begins to rebuild her life, her way. Her story is proof that you can recover from the abuse. It’s the message of hope and healing we all need.
Healing Heart,
I think that is bizarre what you said about the “angry place” mentioned by your S. Mine would always do that to me, as though there were no reason whatsoever for me to be hurt or angry. He acted shocked that my friends hated his guts. “why are you so angry? you are definitely quite mentally unstable.” These are the things that he would say. It pisses me off just thinking about it. He tried to act like he was the more mature one in the situation,eeew what an effing idiot, blah.
Hey E – I read that the one place where Sociopath’s actually seem psychotic (seriously distorted reality testing) is in what they expect others will forgive. That they are genuinely shocked when someone won’t easily forgive or overlook their transgressions.
It’s interesting, because my ex S would go berserk if he found out I had lunch with a male colleague – even if it was someone who would be no threat whatsoever (like someone elderly) but couldn’t understand why I would be so upset that he had sex with multiple other women. This is such warped reality testing.
It’s mind boggling, and infuriating
Healing Heart said: “And when I went full NC, he went nuts (obsession with me) and began the stalking, etc. He would alternate between calls and emails desperately telling me he loved me and we belonged together, and at other times telling me I was a cold hearted b-tch.”
My ex did this too. And sometimes in the same sentence there would be the I love you’s followed by what a cold hearted b*tch I was and how much he hated me. Kind of an interesting contradiction, being it was all sandwiched in the same sentence. lol
It seems interesting how they seem to harrass through texting and e-mail, not really in person. Cowardly. I blocked the S from e-mail and changed my number, and it has only been a week, but I haven’t heard a peep from him.
I think my ex S wants to stalk me, but doesn’t quite care enough to make the drive across the city to get to my place. Not convenient. Once he sent me text messages saying he WAS outside my place one night – but he definitely wasn’t. It was like he wanted to stalk me and scare me, but really couldn’t be bothered to put in too much effort.
Or it could be that he really was worried about the neighbors – it was a nice, quiet, community. Also, I very specifically said that I would call 911 if I ever saw him near my home, work, etc.
When my ex S stopped altogether – and its really been only a month, I was 97% relieved, and 3% sad. He’s really gone. I actually cut the chord, effectively. It took a lot to get rid of him, but I finally did.
He will try come back someday – but I will be much stronger then and it won’t have the emotional charge it has now. It bothers me that there is a small part of me that misses the attention of the harrassing behaviors. I liked that he was desiring me and couldn’t have me – it was a very nice flip on the dynamics of our relationship.
HH,
Good I am glad that is a normal feeling, I sometimes wish that I could hear from him so that I could ignore him. But I can’t risk getting sucked back in so I am glad that I took the measures that I did. I don’t think he would go out of his way to come to my house. He is too lazy. Plus he is petrified of my roomate because after one of our fallouts she posted a bumper sticker on my myspace that said something like “Your friends are there for you when you need a shoulder to cry on, but best friends are waiting with a shovel ready to bury the loser that made you cry!” And my other friends glare at him if they ever see him out. I should buy my roomate a new shovel.
Healing Heart:
When I met my S, he was hot — thanks to the Iron Bar Hotel diet plan (serve 10 months and lose 70 pounds). By the end of our 15 months together he was at least 60 pounds overweight.
He was as fat as a can of Crisco. At the end I would have wrung his neck — if he still had one.
He also was living proof that you can be a cocaine addict and still put on weight.
Then there was his presentation. He wore all this god awful diamond encrusted jewelry. He’d have have on 5 rings, 4 bracelets, 3 necklaces (two French hens and a partridge in a pear tree) all at the same time.
I now laugh when I remember a woman in an airport complimenting me on a vintage watch I was wearing and the look on “Diamond Lil’s” face.
Now I look back at the whole package he presented and wonder “what the hell was I thinking?”
Love is blind and a relationship with a S is a hell of an eye doctor.
Matt said: “I would have wrung his neck–if he still had one”
l have been trying to catch up on several days worth of posts and I just have to say I have seen several posts by Matt from the past couple of days that have some of the wittiest one liners I have ever seen! 🙂
Matt – I know your relationship with S was very painful, and not funny at all – but your last post is funny as hell. 🙂
Healing Heart:
That I can see the humor in the crazy situation with S is progress in my book.
They say that comedy comes from a well of pain. I guess I drilled myself an artesian well with S.