Melissa K. Dean was a new lawyer in a new job. All she needed was a new romantic interest. So she posted her profile in Match.com, and received more than 30 responses in the first two days. One of the men started began his message boldly, writing, “Hi Gorgeous!”
For a woman who had long doubted her feminine appeal, the words were irresistible. More words followed—words that seemed to indicate mutual interests and goals, words that appealed to the woman’s sympathies.
Melissa K. Dean tells the story of being seduced by, married to, and then abused by, Jack Cass, a man who claimed to be a former Navy SEAL. It’s a classic story of sociopathic victimization.
Exotic dancer
Dean tells her story in a new book available in the Lovefraud Store, Hi Gorgeous! Starry Eyes and Toxic Lies.
They communicated online and by phone for a short time. Then they met for lunch, which Dean describes early in the book:
Conversation superseded our interest in our salads as we prattled on about various topics, including the characteristics we valued and disliked in potential mates. He spurned spoiled princesses and victim-oriented women, a group that included his mom—a counselor “ahead of her time,” yet victimized by by his Baptist father’s verbal abuse and infidelity with Jack’s piano teacher. He hated civilians, abhorred dishonesty and disloyalty—especially infidelity.
My bleeding heart was moved by his tale of woe, which he fully anticipated. Here was a man who’d been wounded on the battlefields of war and romance. “I let women walk all over me,” he proclaimed. The three purple hearts to which he laid claim paled in comparison to the heart he said was repeatedly broken by women who’d either cheated or bilked him out of money. “Learning to trust is a difficult task for me,” he said.
Can anyone say manipulation?
At one point before meeting Cass, Dean worked as an exotic dancer—that’s how she earned the money to take a prep course for her bar exam. Cass was fascinated by her former stint as a stripper, and after he manipulated Dean into marriage, saw his future in marketing his wife as a sexy model and dancer at biker clubs.
He, of course, had financial problems, child support payments and no steady income. But he had big ideas, which he convinced his wife to participate in. Gradually, he became more and more impatient with Dean’s contributions, and displayed his displeasure through emotional, psychological and sexual abuse.
Message of hope
In their letters to Lovefraud, many people have said their experiences with a sociopath were so outrageous that they should write a book about what happened to them. Melissa Dean has done it.
Many of you, who thought you were the only person on the planet experiencing the abuse and crazy-making of a sociopath, will take comfort in her story. You are not alone. In fact, many of you will recognize yourself, and the person who victimized you, in the tale.
Dean’s book has a happy ending—she escapes and begins to rebuild her life, her way. Her story is proof that you can recover from the abuse. It’s the message of hope and healing we all need.
Matt,
I laughed so hard out loud at work today when I read your earlier post that my department came running into my office. “Diamond Lil”. I love it !!
The XS/P only wore his dog tags and Navy diving watch and various rubber military fund raising bracelets to show his support since he was such a military man (NOT) but it made the stories so much more believeable……. He bought all of it on line.
Matt: “partridge in a pear tree”… you are a scream!
If you guys want to hear something funny… I still think my S/P is going to pay me back! I have been wondering if he is a P or not, even though he is a liar, I know he’s been hanging around with his friends and some other girls, and he cares so much about me that he ignored me at Christmas!
The other day he said he was going to be waiting for me to get home, and that he would be lying in my bed, that he knows how to get into my house. Now that I am reading your posts I am getting a little nervous.
I haven’t heard from him since last Tuesday when I wouldn’t loan him any money. Do you think he will call? I hope not. I’m not calling him, thank God. Maybe I’ve come to my senses a bit.
Healing Heart, you mentioned the part about sociopath’s expecting forgiveness from us. I’m glad you mentioned that because I think my ex THOUGHT I forgave her for the BS she was pulling but I really didn’t know what was going on. As far as the cheating thing, the pattern went the way:
A) She admitted it.
B) I cut off all communication.
C) She began making serious effort to contact me through work, friends and family.
D) I contacted her and forgave her.
E) She said it was a misunderstanding and it never happened.
I guess she was waiting for me to forgive her before she turned it around on me and made it out that I over reacted. How in the hell do you over react to someone who blatantly tells you they cheated on you?!?!?! I guess, in her own demented way of thinking, she admitted it and I accepted it and forgave her for it so she figured I knew the facts. The ‘over reacting’ part was her way of throwing yet another sales pitch to me and me buying it. From what I’ve read, sociopaths are known for this sort of thing, claiming all of their screw ups and lies are misunderstandings. I knew when she would go to court she would purposely show up looking shabby and turn on the tear machine so the judge would take pity on her. She would complain she was working as hard as she could but in reality, she was never doing anythuing different: she was still blowing money like an idiot, she was borrowing it from me and was never making an effort to try and make extra money – except for the escort service thing.
In hindsight, she knew I would do anything for her and would try and help her out as best I could and once she saw that opening, she took complete advantage of it. I guess that’s all happened to us where some good for nothing yokel saw throught our sensitivity and took advantage of us. Well, as they say, ‘A fool and his money are soon parted’. I hope she doesn’t break down on the side of the road somewhere and expects me to take her someplace. She can stay outside and freeze for all I care.
I’ll always wonder if her husband knows about her past, too, the does, I wonder why he doesn’t see these things are major red flags. Oh well…….
Hey Pman – I think we are the lucky ones, the strong ones, the smart ones – those of us who get out. Her husband is in the trance and may never get out – unless he is like us. And very sadly, most are not.
I can’t believe how many times my Ex S’s exwife has forgiven him and taken him back despite the fact that he has cheated on her hundreds (quite literally) of times and abandoned her and the kids when they needed him most. Yet she keeps forgiving and taking him back – as have many of his ex-girlfriends. I think this was one of the reasons that he is so shocked that I won’t take him back. Every one else seems to have. HELLO?!!??? What is wrong with this picture??? EVERYTHING.
My ex-S was just like yours with the lies. Doing it, admantly denying, and then admitting when there was blatant proof…….and then later denying it again. HUH? Didn’t you just admit to his a week ago? And now you are saying I imagined it? WTF? I would say: “Do you think I’m stupid?” And he would just stare at me blankly and it genuinely looked like he had no idea what I was talking about.
Your ex worked as an escort. This may sound glib, but I wish mine had. Then he would have made some money – and probably the caliber of women would have been higher than those he WAS sleeping with (if they could afford and escort).
I hope you can stay away from her, P. It’s hard not to get sucked back in, because they make us addicted to them. I’m pretty sure I finally got a handle on my addiction. I haven’t seem him since July, and have had NC since October. Though he kept getting to me through text, email, greeting cards. I shut down one avenue, and he’d find another. And as people will say on this site ANY contact is contact, and triggering. That’s why they do it. Rat Bastards.
Finally – you are right about the judge – she would probably prevail. Whenever we go up in front of a judge, a cop, or a couples therapist, with these S’s, WE always end up looking like the crazy one and the S get’s sympathy. Because they are cool as a cucumber and know exactly how to play the situation, and we are so frazzled from months of crazy-making that we look like the lunatic, and the S looks like the victim.
Healing Heart, your ex cheated on his wife at least a hundred times?!?!?!? Does she not have any self respect? Does she not think she’ll find someone better? I feel for her if that’s the case.
With regards to my ex and the judge, the last time she went in front of him, back in late May, he’d had enough and she was locked up and resy to go to jail until her mother called ‘Frank’, the first guy she met through the escort service. He shows up with $8000 and pasy the restitution. You’d think that would wake her up a little bit. LIke I said in an eralier post, she came to me asking if I would help her pay him back and I agreed until she wouldn’t give me any of his information. She knew he would blow the whistle on their relationship. Now, let’s keep in mind she’s seeing ‘Todd’, the guy she eventually married, and ‘Frank’ who she was seeing for a good year at least AND me! Just like my friend and her husband told me: ‘She’s screwing ‘Todd’, borrowing money from ‘Frank’ while she’s screwing him AND screwing you, too?!?! You wanted to marry this woman?!?!?!’ I am not at all proud that I was associated with a woman that worked for an escort service who I thought I loved and I thought loved me. I do agree with your part about them making us so crazy thaty we look bad and they look like the victim. That’s a very good analysis but another of which will keep me from getting back at her – although I want to in the worst way. I know what you mean about your ex acting like he had no idea what you were talking about when confronted. When I would ask her things that she’d admitted she did and she would have this reaction like I was speaking in a foreign language. I mean, I would mention when she brought it up, where we were and she would laugh and say I was confused. She was either not telling the truth or trying to throw me off and forget about talking about it.
The other thing, HH, is that I have not heard from her or received any type of contact i.e. holiday cards, letters, e-mails, texts, calls, airplane banners, etc. so I suppose that’s a good thing. She doesn’t care about me anymore. She made it clear when the slept with the first guy. She made it more clear when she slept with the second guy and accepted his marriage proposal after knowing him for only 3 months and then to tell me, after 10 years, PLZ DONT CALL ME NEMORE in a text message? She was planning all of this and that’s why when her friend accepted the position of maid of honor, that pretty much told me they were okay with it. If she wanted to remain nuetral, she could’ve told my ex she didnt feel comfortable being her maid of honor after doing what she did. That, in my opinion, was not the way to remain nuetral. That was her giving my ex the green light to her gateway to marriage and telling her what she put me through was okay because she found someone she wanted to marry. As much as I hate to do it, I hope the marriage fails and she feels every bit the hurt I did for twice as long.
Hey Pman – as painful as it probably it is, it’s great that your ex-S is not pursuing you. Though honestly, it would have probably broken my heart if my S didn’t keep trying. In fact, the first couple of months he dumped me fairly easily – still was in touch, but wasn’t trying too hard. Then after a few months he started pursuing me adamantly. On one level that really pleased me, but on another, it sure made things messy and difficult. Because any communication from him (or her) is a hook. And we need to get unhooked.
Your exS sounds like a monster. They all are. It’s unbelievable that so many people get conned, and keep going back for more. Including us. Though hopefully all of us on this site get out. If you read posts dating back to 2007, you see that some people just disappear, and some disappear and come back saying they went back (and it ALWAYS goes poorly, btw, and the person regrets it terribly).
This is such an awful, ugly, seductive web we get into. And its infuriating to feel this strong desire – physically, emotionally, to be back with the monster. It’s such a betrayal of ourselves! But we have to resist.
I think people, like our friend (maid of honor) can sometimes see that the person “has problems” but believe they are “not all bad,” or would never do something directly hurtful to them. I think only us, as lovers, partners, really see the horror. And its infuriating that others don’t see it, and we look dramatic, reactive, crazy. I just keep blogging. I’m so grateful to this community. It’s a lifeline for me – I feel so detached from every one else. Even though I have kept up relationships with friends and family, none of these folks understand. Even if they try (which most really don’t want to), they can’t get it.
And our sociopaths never feel the hurt that we do. But they feel a lifelong emptiness and frustration. They will never get what they are looking for. We will. But she will never hurt like you, Pman. And that’s too bad for her. If she could hurt like you, she’d be human, and she’d learn. Her life is going to only get worse. Aging is a very unkind process to N’s and S’s. Most people get happier with time, they get less happy. She’ll be miserable, you’ll be happy. Those are the two clear trajectories. You are the winning bet, she is the losing one.
Plowman: They all watched Gone With The Wind too many times and replayed how Scarlette O’Hara got anything she wanted, anytime she wanted, whenever she wanted. That’s their MANTRA in life … Just watch the first 10 minutes of the movie and you will see your EX in her full glory.
Hey, Hollywood should make a big tadoo about remaking this classic and that they are looking for unknowns to play the leads… you’ll see all the Ns of the world flocking to the casting directors like bees to honey.
Peace.
shappychic2, keeping-faith and jen2008:
Thanks for the compliments. The further away from S I get, the more I realize just how absurd what he did and what he said is. I still say we need a place on this site dedicated to the absurd things they say “HE SAID WHAT?!” and they do “HE DID WHAT?!”
Plowman and Healing Heart:
I remember at the end when my S was working me over really good trying to get 10 grand out of me. He ran a full-blown pity play in a bar — tears, the works. He tossed into the word salad “A friend of mine told me I should go work as a prosititute.”
His objective? To once again tug at my heartstrings and get the cash.
His result? I thought “I wish you would. Then you’d bring in some cash.”
Wini, I wouldn’t be surprised if the S’s of the world did that very thing! Sitting around watching all the heartfelt scenes of every movie going in order to know just when to cry, put their faces in their hands and when to start beating themselves up to get sympathy from someone. Hey, we all know them to be schemers, and they do plan these sorts of things out, don’t they?!?!?!
Healing Heart, your thoughts about your ex still pursuing you were the reason why I wish my ex would’ve tried to pursue me – at least it would’ve shown me she still had some type of interest and heart. But, she already attached herself to someone else so there was no reason for her to want to stay in touch with me. That’s how she operates. One of the characteristics I noticed about her, HH, was that she’s really not interested in keeping friendships. I guess she figures they come and go so why bother trying to maintain a friendship? That’s one characteristic I notice of a sociopath is their inabaility to keep or maintan friendships.
Matt, my ex did what your ex did: use the old tear machine for their financial gain. SOmetimes, I’d be on the phone for 15 minites listening to her whine and moan that she had to help her parents and her paycheck was gone and she had no money for 2 more weeks. This was all done to have me ‘offer’ her the money as opposed to her ‘asking’ for the money. She wanted to go out with her friends. She was probably out with ‘Frank’ or ‘Todd’. She may not have been out with either of them or she may not have even been broke; just more compulsive lying, I suppose.
Just because I think it’s part of our genetics, I asked my ex’s middle sisters fiance’s Mom ( *laughs* I don’t mean to laugh but that’s a lot to describe someone) what this guy looked like just because I think most people are curious as to what the other person looks like who our ex cheated with. She met him at the bridal shower and basically described him as stocky, having a round cartoon face, not very personable or pleasant. Actually, her middle sister said his family is all that way, so in her words ‘the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree’. The two families weren’t even conversing that much there. Wouldn’t you think they would at such a happy occasion?
I’m still kind of shocked at the whole ‘rush to get married’ thing. I naver said I would never move in with her again or marry her, so if she thinks that’s why she had a reason to do what she dd to me, she’s flat out wrong. But to rush a marriage to someone after knowing them 6 months? Guess she wanted to either trap him with marriage or felt like her biological clock was ticking and maybe I wans’t good enough. Like I said before, this guy is apparently not man enough to tell her no and the people that are like that eventually lose a lot: friends, money, and personal life. Why I still think about her is a mystery. It really is…….
I look forward to having a day when I don’t think about him for a full day. I think I’ve gone 5-6 hours…but never a day. They establish such a strong bond with us (betrayal bond) that its really hard to detach. I hate that part of me that is still so attached to him. And I wonder a lot about what he’s doing, who he’s with, how he’s feeling. I wish I didn’t care. I hate the guy. He repulses me, he enrages me – no one has ever treated me so cruelly. But I opened myself so entirely to him, and let him get into every cell in my body – that it’s really hard to shake him. I’m so glad we don’t share a child with him. I can’t imagine having to deal with him every day. I wish we could exterminate them.