Melissa K. Dean was a new lawyer in a new job. All she needed was a new romantic interest. So she posted her profile in Match.com, and received more than 30 responses in the first two days. One of the men started began his message boldly, writing, “Hi Gorgeous!”
For a woman who had long doubted her feminine appeal, the words were irresistible. More words followed—words that seemed to indicate mutual interests and goals, words that appealed to the woman’s sympathies.
Melissa K. Dean tells the story of being seduced by, married to, and then abused by, Jack Cass, a man who claimed to be a former Navy SEAL. It’s a classic story of sociopathic victimization.
Exotic dancer
Dean tells her story in a new book available in the Lovefraud Store, Hi Gorgeous! Starry Eyes and Toxic Lies.
They communicated online and by phone for a short time. Then they met for lunch, which Dean describes early in the book:
Conversation superseded our interest in our salads as we prattled on about various topics, including the characteristics we valued and disliked in potential mates. He spurned spoiled princesses and victim-oriented women, a group that included his mom—a counselor “ahead of her time,” yet victimized by by his Baptist father’s verbal abuse and infidelity with Jack’s piano teacher. He hated civilians, abhorred dishonesty and disloyalty—especially infidelity.
My bleeding heart was moved by his tale of woe, which he fully anticipated. Here was a man who’d been wounded on the battlefields of war and romance. “I let women walk all over me,” he proclaimed. The three purple hearts to which he laid claim paled in comparison to the heart he said was repeatedly broken by women who’d either cheated or bilked him out of money. “Learning to trust is a difficult task for me,” he said.
Can anyone say manipulation?
At one point before meeting Cass, Dean worked as an exotic dancer—that’s how she earned the money to take a prep course for her bar exam. Cass was fascinated by her former stint as a stripper, and after he manipulated Dean into marriage, saw his future in marketing his wife as a sexy model and dancer at biker clubs.
He, of course, had financial problems, child support payments and no steady income. But he had big ideas, which he convinced his wife to participate in. Gradually, he became more and more impatient with Dean’s contributions, and displayed his displeasure through emotional, psychological and sexual abuse.
Message of hope
In their letters to Lovefraud, many people have said their experiences with a sociopath were so outrageous that they should write a book about what happened to them. Melissa Dean has done it.
Many of you, who thought you were the only person on the planet experiencing the abuse and crazy-making of a sociopath, will take comfort in her story. You are not alone. In fact, many of you will recognize yourself, and the person who victimized you, in the tale.
Dean’s book has a happy ending—she escapes and begins to rebuild her life, her way. Her story is proof that you can recover from the abuse. It’s the message of hope and healing we all need.
OK thanks…… considering researchers have such a difficult time studying psychopaths….. maybe they should tap into their victims instead. Maybe I should get rid of some of the anger before I tell them what i think LOL……….
Dear Plowman,
Of course you may use it, and I’ll give you another one I absolutely LOVE—
“I feel so much better since I gave up HOPE”
I used to have a sign in my office that said that, and I gave it away to someone I thought needed it more than I did. LOL Little did I know I would need it badly! LOL
But as long as we HOPE that it can be fixed, and keep trying to fix it, WE ARE ALWAYS DISAPPOINTED, AND THEREFORE FEEL BADLY. If we give up that MALIGNANT HOPE we immediately feel better!
I’m glad you came here Plowman, there is a lot of support and good information here for both the “Acute state” of the painful separation from THEM and also for the LONG TERM healing as we start to examine ourselves and see were WE WENT WRONG with our excess empathy and our malignant hope.
I was born into a family filled with psychopaths, and their “psychopaths by proxy” enablers (fixers) and became a “fixer” myself until the pain got too bad and and I finally broke away. I gave birth to a psychopath as well as had one for a biological father, etc. I’m 62 years old now and learning the things I should have learned when I was 15-16 about boundaries etc. but “better late than never.” They are all out of my life now either throug NC, prison AND NC or Death and NC so I am P-free for the moment, though I am still in some danger from attack from my P-son even though he is in prison. It would be a big financial boon to him if I were to die before my mother does (due to poor estate planning on or parts) but I also have no doubt he would like to see me dead just because he hates me as I am one person he has not been able to 100% control throughout his life. The last one that “got him” he killed her and that is why he is in prison now.
Your screen name is interesting. I am a female Ox trainer (Drover or Teamster) and so I have picked that name because there isn’t another one on the internet, and there are that Iknow of only me and one other FEMALE in the southern US that train oxen (Or did, I no longer do that, but do plan to get another pair of oxen before too long) I am also a retired registered nurse practitioner, and also a farmer/rancher, though my ranch has been cut down to 4 cows, 2 mammoth jack asses, and 1 border collie and the farming to a few raised bed gardens. LOL Still not too bad for an “old broad” to enjoy digging in the dirt or training and messing with animals, but not so much I am worked to death either, or a slave to them. If this 7 days of bad winter weather doesn’t abate soon though I am going to need a straight jacket! I love LF but I can only take 12 hours a day of it before I want to scream!!! LOL
Oxy,
We’ve got the same mess here. Another six inches of snow today, wet stuff that going to become icy overnight. Last night, I tried to go out for desperately needed supplies (milk, peewee pads for my mini dachsy who won’t go out in deep snow), and the car battery wouldn’t turn over the engine. Night after night of deep freeze took its toll.
But I have a lot of indoor work to do, so in some ways, it’s just the same old.
When I get the book about healing finished, it will be deeply enriched by the discussions here on Lovefraud. I feel like, as a group, we’ve made a lot of progress on articulating the longer term healing process (what I call late-stage). I’ve been putting together a lot of pieces that I intuitively grasped before, but they still hadn’t quite found their place in the structure.
I am also struck by how many of us have background issues that predated the sociopath. And how this healing process relates to healing those older issues.
I’ve always talked here about my gratitude for the experience with the sociopath, because it forced me to examine my behaviors, my life patterns and the early traumas that shaped me. That process freed me from a lot of old “rules” that actually were self-destructive and enabled me to finally grow up into being a more authentic person, to care for myself, and to trust myself.
What I am just now coming to appreciate is how tightly intertwined all of this is — the damage, the sociopath and the healing. I’m still working on what it means and how to talk about it. But once again our discussions have really moved me forward.
I’m so grateful to you, and to the other people who are working this part of the path. I never cease to be awed by what an amazing place this is to heal and learn.
Greenfern: you said, “They do not do the work, they just set the damage into motion.”
Don’t get distracted and put more blame onto yourself. They “enjoy” damage, whether they cause it directly, or get to enjoy it while you twist yourself up with guilt and self-blame and whatever else causes you pain.
Yes, we ultimately have to take responsibility for our healing, and I’m all in favor of going back as far as it takes to get to real healing.
But we must remember that we are dealing here with trauma induced by people who generally have different motivations and who enjoy creating pain.
Hey folks, i hope you are all doing well, Plowman welcome to the place of love and empathy, well here is my latest S/P tale it looks like she finaly ran away with the guy she never left for 9 years, she told me i would have to marry her again or she would be gone, she said they made some great business deal out of state and was going for it, i have maintained no contact and have goten mail and more recently a very dissturbing book, the gift of fear, i am so grateful for what Donna has done here, my road to recovery is a long one, but i am dealing with it, all i can say to those who are here follow the great information that is given and remember these S/P’s are monsters and we are loving good people dont talk to them in any way and hopefuly they will go away, the first time i met her and fell in love with her she told me she was running away with him to Kona i should have let her go then, but i married her out of love and hope now hopefuly she is with this guy and may they live a long life together i must say this was the worst thing that has ever happened to me i advise going to see a good person to talk to and have good friends for support, i just hope that some day they do something about these monsters as far as the guy she was always with i dont know what his problem is but i guess i should thank him for being him, if she did not have him she would be going after me or trying to play us against each other, no contact is the rule know it and live by it.
keeping_faith:
I agree they should tap into the victims. I finally gave my therapist a copy of my original posting. He read it and said “I think I could use this in a class I teach on sociopathy.”
Of couse I had to respond “why bother teaching a class. They’re incurable. Your efforts would be better spent coming up with a form of therapy that helps the victims since obviously what’s out there isn’t working for mostg of us.”
And like concrete through the hourglass, so go the days of our lives…
Matt,
LOL….. but you are right.
“Your efforts would be better spent coming up with a form of therapy that helps the victims since obviously what’s out there isn’t working for most of us.”
I have found a very good and very supportive therapist….still I think time is the only way to heal and going back over the pain again and again and again until we choke on it. It sucks but if I could have gotten past this faster I know I would have regardless of the cost.
Greenfern,
I believe that you are correct about the subtlety of the S’s game. Mine in particular was very covert. He shed his mask slowly and left me staring in shock at the ugliness that he revealed. It is quite traumatic.
Hey good evening everyone. Hope everyone had a good day today!
Greenfern, I like your post with reagrds to the part you mention about how you were heartbroken in other break ups but at least the other person had the decency say something up front rather than pull a Brinks job on you. Loss is not an easy topic for me & I told my therapist that although I’ve done my share of breaking up with women and been broken up with I at least, after the grieving, could take comfort knowing that it was told to me, cut & dry. In some cases, I could tell the woman was uncomfortable having to go through with it but some time later, we would run into one another and have a civil conversation and I felt a lot better that we did have that conversation. This type of break up was completely out of left field for me – not your typical break up. I mean, we’re all here because our ex’s didn’t follow through with a ‘by-the-book’ way of breaking up with us. No, the methods they used are dirty, cut throat, vile and totally irresponsible and those that try and justify these actions i.e. parents, siblings, friends, etc. aren’t any better. To think someone would actually take the time to scheme and plan those sorts of exits is disgusting, and because of our good natured dispositions, our big hearts and our willingness to give someone our hearts, this is how they treat us? Then to think someone would actually defend someone who did this makes me laugh and cry at the same time. Well, I got news for the sociopath’s of the world: there are more people like us than there are of you, and I don’t recall seeing any sites that promote the activities of the sociopath and I hope they all never, ever find what they’re looking for and all remain lonely till the end of their days. I think that’s sufficient punishment for these third-rate scum bags who purposely take advantage of people who looked out for their best interests time after time after time. I can’t wait for the day, if it ever comes, when I see my ex and listen to how miserable she is and she wants to talk to me again. Well, after I scrape her off of the bottom of my shoe and tell her to go back to whatever test tube she came from, I’m gonna have a drink and celebrate that Karma has finally come full circle. Then, I’m going to pary to the Karma God and ask it to help out all of my crew here at Love Fraud. (I dont think they’re actually IS a ‘Karma God’ but it sounded good *laughs*)
Kathleen, please let us know when you’re book is ready for public purchase – love to read up more on this!!!!
Take care to all of my heaing friends heara at Love Fraud!
plowman,
I believe in the karma God too !!!