Melissa K. Dean was a new lawyer in a new job. All she needed was a new romantic interest. So she posted her profile in Match.com, and received more than 30 responses in the first two days. One of the men started began his message boldly, writing, “Hi Gorgeous!”
For a woman who had long doubted her feminine appeal, the words were irresistible. More words followed—words that seemed to indicate mutual interests and goals, words that appealed to the woman’s sympathies.
Melissa K. Dean tells the story of being seduced by, married to, and then abused by, Jack Cass, a man who claimed to be a former Navy SEAL. It’s a classic story of sociopathic victimization.
Exotic dancer
Dean tells her story in a new book available in the Lovefraud Store, Hi Gorgeous! Starry Eyes and Toxic Lies.
They communicated online and by phone for a short time. Then they met for lunch, which Dean describes early in the book:
Conversation superseded our interest in our salads as we prattled on about various topics, including the characteristics we valued and disliked in potential mates. He spurned spoiled princesses and victim-oriented women, a group that included his mom—a counselor “ahead of her time,” yet victimized by by his Baptist father’s verbal abuse and infidelity with Jack’s piano teacher. He hated civilians, abhorred dishonesty and disloyalty—especially infidelity.
My bleeding heart was moved by his tale of woe, which he fully anticipated. Here was a man who’d been wounded on the battlefields of war and romance. “I let women walk all over me,” he proclaimed. The three purple hearts to which he laid claim paled in comparison to the heart he said was repeatedly broken by women who’d either cheated or bilked him out of money. “Learning to trust is a difficult task for me,” he said.
Can anyone say manipulation?
At one point before meeting Cass, Dean worked as an exotic dancer—that’s how she earned the money to take a prep course for her bar exam. Cass was fascinated by her former stint as a stripper, and after he manipulated Dean into marriage, saw his future in marketing his wife as a sexy model and dancer at biker clubs.
He, of course, had financial problems, child support payments and no steady income. But he had big ideas, which he convinced his wife to participate in. Gradually, he became more and more impatient with Dean’s contributions, and displayed his displeasure through emotional, psychological and sexual abuse.
Message of hope
In their letters to Lovefraud, many people have said their experiences with a sociopath were so outrageous that they should write a book about what happened to them. Melissa Dean has done it.
Many of you, who thought you were the only person on the planet experiencing the abuse and crazy-making of a sociopath, will take comfort in her story. You are not alone. In fact, many of you will recognize yourself, and the person who victimized you, in the tale.
Dean’s book has a happy ending—she escapes and begins to rebuild her life, her way. Her story is proof that you can recover from the abuse. It’s the message of hope and healing we all need.
Yep…that’s where I met my X-S, on the Yahoo Personals Dating site….I bet he didn’t even skip a beat when we broke up and went straight back to the dating sites….I do believe are some good people on them, but there are so many LIARS….
Plowman: Welcome … and yes, everyone can call them anything they want … but when you deduct all their deceptions, all their manipulations, how other people’s money goes through their hands like water … deduct all their despicable conduct of total disregard for everyone and anyone, never taking responsibility for their words or their action … you come down to one word to describe them, and that word is “whore”. Period.
I’m sorry you had to go through the experience with the likes of her. By no means is she a prize to anyone. I feel sorry for the new guy in her life, for he too will be blogging with us soon.
Remember … NO CONTACT with her what-so-ever. No CONTACT with her family, NO CONTACT with her friends … or should I say acquaintances … NO CONTACT whatsoever … for now is the time for you to heal your heart and soul.
Peace.
Oh and his profile (the X-S) was so long I just skimmed it…That was before I was educated about Malignant Narcissism… (lol)
Plowman,
I am new to this site (about 2 months) and a year after a two year experience with a S/P. I may not be the best person to advise you because there seem to be many people like us here who are certainly more educated on the S/P behaviors and consequences but here’s my 2 cents:
Don’t beat yourself up.
It’s OK to be angy, and you are right in not retaliating. It just keeps us tied in.
NO CONTACT is the only way to heal. They keep trying to suck us in.
Don’t beat yourself up.
Forgive yourself first.
Don’t forget what happened so that your future changes.
Be good to yourself.
Find and do things that please YOU.
Don’t beat yourself up.
As you sit back and watch, karma will prevail. We don’t have to be vengeful because their behavior speaks for itself and they WILL eventually get what they deserve on their own and because of themselves. It may not happen as fast as we would like but I have faith that these lying, cheating, pain inflicting, badly behaved thieves cannot possibly be successful for long……at least under my definition of success. They don’t lead clean lives.
You will be OK. You CAN love and will again. Good people jsut do. I’m sorry this has happened to you. Time will take care of your confidence. We all heal differently and at a different pace, and it’s hard but it will happen. Stay strong.
My son met his BPD on a dating site and I met my S, a loud charismatic American, outside the very local dry cleaners where he exuded all his charm and pity play but mostly charm and seduction. He said he had an exciting new project, the internet super highway, that it was his idea and he was going to pull it off, kept name dropping etc. He also told me he had won against the city of New York in a case of mistaken identity but all his millions of dollars were in a bank in America, oh he had all the paperwork to convince me.. yet never had a penny or should i say, a cent to his name because, he said, his ex would want it.. clever! He told me (and everyone in the locality), that he was fighting to see his sons, that his ex was mad etc etc , all my friends said that he seemed too good to be true, he had to be the centre of attention and hold the conversation, he had tears in his eyes when he told me, over and over again how he lost his buddies in Afghanistan, told me not asked me, that i would be his wife, kept telling me how he loved me and how money was coming every day or he would go to collect it, coming back of course with yet another tale.. until I ran out of money and through my overdraft. When I seriously questioned him he threw a rage in my lounge. After he left he left vile threatening messages amidst telling me we would talk about this, phoned my friends, sent me emails telling me i was old and past it, phoned the police with lies about me. It was on Lovefraud that I learned that i wasn’t going mad and read and read and read until I was free of my anger. I am so grateful to all of you on here and of course, no matter what he said or how awful it was, maintained no contact and, fingers crossed have just had one or two weird phone calls and eggs thrown at my house which are nasty of course but I think the police and I have finally got rid of him from my life. The red flags were all there for me to see.., and i chose not to see them! I just view him as pathetic now, which of course, he is. All just an act.
tryingto heal,
Isn’t it amazing how they turn on the tears as they pathalogiacally lie? Mine was famous for it and each time, I later found, he was telling a big lie. Every woman in his life was insane, so he said, except his daughter who truly is insane but just like him. He left letters at my home in five different places, (so that my children would find them) accusing me of having sex with men…..and on and on and on…… I was the best thing that ever happened to him and within seconds I was an insane slut bit*&. for him, it was all imagined,…….the GOOD and the BAD….. It certainly wasn’t real.
Dear Plowman, I”m the Ox Drover, so together we can form a TEAM! (a bit of humor there) Glad you found your way here, sincerely, as the information and support here will help you to heal, and not only heal but to become a better stronger person for the experience. I won’t tell you that it isn’t a hard row to hoe, but once we put our hands to the plow, we don’t need to look back, we need to keep on plowing forward. Sure there will be rocks and stumps and pit falls in the furrow, but we can do it. The support here ROCKS!!!!
Learning about these people, and LEARNING ABOUT OURSELVES and what made us put up with them for so long is very very important and will eventually make some sense, and allow us to forgive ourselves and stop beating ourselves up, or feeling so untrusting that we resign from the human race.
The trick is to learn enough about them that we can avoid being prey in the future.
READ READ READ because KNOWLEDGE=POWER and that is what we have to do, take back our power, one ounce at a time!!! God bless you Plowman, we all work together here as a TEAM and when one falls down there are twenty hands there to lift them up!!! God bless you in your healing journey.
I met one in a local pub while playing pool on a Sunday afternoon 30 years ago.
I met the second in a local feed store in a very tiny community.
My friend met hers at work.
My neighbor met hers in a grocery store.
My brother’s ex-girlfriend met hers on match.com
THEY ARE EVERYWHERE.
Met my at Venture (department store) and then run into again at a gas station. But I have met a few online already. Truth is you never know were you might run into one. Be careful out there folks…
James:
After the destruction caused by our sociopaths, isn’t it a satisfying moment (for lack of a better phrase) when you recognize what you’re dealing with the next time around? And it’s even more satisfying when you cut them off cold and move along with your life.