Melissa K. Dean was a new lawyer in a new job. All she needed was a new romantic interest. So she posted her profile in Match.com, and received more than 30 responses in the first two days. One of the men started began his message boldly, writing, “Hi Gorgeous!”
For a woman who had long doubted her feminine appeal, the words were irresistible. More words followed—words that seemed to indicate mutual interests and goals, words that appealed to the woman’s sympathies.
Melissa K. Dean tells the story of being seduced by, married to, and then abused by, Jack Cass, a man who claimed to be a former Navy SEAL. It’s a classic story of sociopathic victimization.
Exotic dancer
Dean tells her story in a new book available in the Lovefraud Store, Hi Gorgeous! Starry Eyes and Toxic Lies.
They communicated online and by phone for a short time. Then they met for lunch, which Dean describes early in the book:
Conversation superseded our interest in our salads as we prattled on about various topics, including the characteristics we valued and disliked in potential mates. He spurned spoiled princesses and victim-oriented women, a group that included his mom—a counselor “ahead of her time,” yet victimized by by his Baptist father’s verbal abuse and infidelity with Jack’s piano teacher. He hated civilians, abhorred dishonesty and disloyalty—especially infidelity.
My bleeding heart was moved by his tale of woe, which he fully anticipated. Here was a man who’d been wounded on the battlefields of war and romance. “I let women walk all over me,” he proclaimed. The three purple hearts to which he laid claim paled in comparison to the heart he said was repeatedly broken by women who’d either cheated or bilked him out of money. “Learning to trust is a difficult task for me,” he said.
Can anyone say manipulation?
At one point before meeting Cass, Dean worked as an exotic dancer—that’s how she earned the money to take a prep course for her bar exam. Cass was fascinated by her former stint as a stripper, and after he manipulated Dean into marriage, saw his future in marketing his wife as a sexy model and dancer at biker clubs.
He, of course, had financial problems, child support payments and no steady income. But he had big ideas, which he convinced his wife to participate in. Gradually, he became more and more impatient with Dean’s contributions, and displayed his displeasure through emotional, psychological and sexual abuse.
Message of hope
In their letters to Lovefraud, many people have said their experiences with a sociopath were so outrageous that they should write a book about what happened to them. Melissa Dean has done it.
Many of you, who thought you were the only person on the planet experiencing the abuse and crazy-making of a sociopath, will take comfort in her story. You are not alone. In fact, many of you will recognize yourself, and the person who victimized you, in the tale.
Dean’s book has a happy ending—she escapes and begins to rebuild her life, her way. Her story is proof that you can recover from the abuse. It’s the message of hope and healing we all need.
I hope that these guys do have to pay for what they have done to us. I wish I didn’t care – that I was indifferent, but I’m still mad as hell. I still shake my head and say “how could he have done that to me?” I know how – he’s a sociopath. And even though I shouldn’t take it personally – it happened to me!!! How much more personal could you get?? I know, I need not to take the blame for it – its not because of anything I did or didn’t do to him, he’s a monster.
I do hope that he has to pay for what he has done to me, and so many other women. But there are always people who will take them back, aren’t there? I think my ex S has a bevy of exes who are happy to get a piece of him whenever he is willing to deliver. That makes me mad – how is he going to learn if he isn’t held accountable??
I wish I didn’t care about him. But its been less than a year since I kicked him out, and only 5-6 months since NC on my end. I actually can’t believe it’s been 6 months since I’ve seen him. He certainly takes up a lot of space in my head for someone I haven’t seen in 6 months.
Sometimes I’m afraid he might be reading this blog and taking pleasure in knowing that I think about him, and our relationship so much. Why would he read this? It would bore him, I think. I did tell him he was a sociopath multiple times when we first broke up even though I wasn’t sure at the time. If he googled socio, he might end up here. I guess it doesn’t matter.
Damn! I wish I didn’t think about him! All this musing about him! I hate him!
keeping_faith:
Is your original posting “Not one thing about him was real”?
OxDrover:
Regarding “hope” — I always say “The good ship HOPE has sailed and sunk.”
Healing Heart,
I think about that, what if they google socio and find you? A couple of days ago I posted something on here about him being lazy and he wrote something about laziness on his myspace status, and it freaked me out a little bit. I wish I didn’t think about him too. I honestly just think it is just because it takes a long time to process all of it because it is so abnormal. All day to day I tried not to think about him. I would feel ok for a while, then miserable, ok, then kind of want to hear from him and misery again. I am just sooo sick of myself, I don’t even want to hear it in my head anymore. BLAH BLAH BLAH I hurt I hurt I hurt. I would just like his whole world to collapse on him somehow and then I just know I would feel better.
My last boyfriend was a complete d*** head. He did some miserable things and had a nasty temper. When I couldn’t stand it anymore, I walked away, and I haven’t missed him since. I want this to be like that. In many ways I was so much more connected to that boyfriend, and I believe that at one time he genuinely loved me a great deal. How could I possible get over him faster than the S??? It is just so wrong.
I just want to say I AM SO OVER IT. And then actually really be so over it.
Hey E – I know! I have never missed an ex like I missed this guy after the breakup. Never hated one so much, either. And never wished for revenge before like I have with this one. I’ve had multiple long term (let’s say longterm is one year plus) relationships that have ended…..and they’ve all been tough at the time, but my recovery was about 100 times faster and easier than with this one. Seriously, a 100 times easier – and they weren’t super easy.
This is one of the sources of frustration for my friends and family – they think “He was horrible, game over, moving on.” They don’t understand how this isn’t easy to get over since he was SUCH an **shole. They think this should be my easiest breakup. It’s black and white – he’s a psycho, I need to be out of the relationship. But the dynamics of these relationships are so harrowing that it is a horrible and long-lasting ride.
After work today I came home and worked out – felt good, and then in the shower I just started crying. I was feeling so hurt over *one* of the times he cheated on me. A particular day when I had a major loss and needed my partner (and I never asked for any comfort from him after the 3 month mark) and he basically said f–k you, deal with your problems yourself, and left me alone the entire day to have sex with one of his ex Girlfriends. I’m so mad at her – but I guess she doesn’t matter.
The point is, I still feel so much hurt.
How long does this friggin’ pain ride last? It’s been a year that I have felt really lousy. This was the end of the devalue and discard (I tolerated about one more month) and then the hell of recovery began. WHEN DOES THIS PAIN STOP BEING A REGULAR AND PERSISTANT PART OF DAILY LIFE?????
HH,
I am so scared about how long this process is going to be. I am dealing with the same thing from family and friends already. They are like” geez dude get over it that guy is a psycho. He said he would shoot a kid before he would shoot a dog, and you have a kid. THINK OF YOUR KID.” And I know it all in my head, kind of, except for that I still don’t really feel like I know anything. And if I seem sad and someone asks what is wrong I can’t say because I know I will sound like a blithering idiot. I almost had a breakdown in the produce section of the grocery, yeah, the shower is a better place for that.
Dear Sociopath,
You said that you were going to get in shape for the entire last year but you still have quite the gut. Especially for a young man aged only 26. Also I think you should give serious consideration to growing a chin at some point.
You are short.
Goodnight I hope you dream a graphic dream of being cannibalized,
Eliza
I am totally with you on the fear thing, E. How long does this need to go on? I broke up with him in the very beginning of March. I remember (naively) thinking “I’ll be better in April” and then “I’ll be better in May,” then “It’s going to be a good summer, I’ll be better then.” And so on until here I am in the end of January still feeling like crap. Though, to be honest, and grateful, the nature of the pain has changed and its not as horrible. It’s getting better. There were times in June and July where I seriously thought I was going to die of pain. I didn’t know if my body could handle such a tremendous amount of pain.
I remember, early on, going through the check-out line at the grocery store and being surprised that I was actually able to do so – able to function in such a basic every-day way when I was utterly crumbling inside from the enormous weight of the pain.
It’s not crushing any more – but its still there. And its changed as I’ve learned more about “what happened” (it’s ugly) and also as I’ve been blogging. The LF community has helped me face the pain and to stop thinking “Okay, it will be better next month…..” I’m just taking it as it comes.
AHHHHHH!!!!!! Just read your post, E – that’s awesome!!!!!! LMAO!!!!!!