Melissa K. Dean was a new lawyer in a new job. All she needed was a new romantic interest. So she posted her profile in Match.com, and received more than 30 responses in the first two days. One of the men started began his message boldly, writing, “Hi Gorgeous!”
For a woman who had long doubted her feminine appeal, the words were irresistible. More words followed—words that seemed to indicate mutual interests and goals, words that appealed to the woman’s sympathies.
Melissa K. Dean tells the story of being seduced by, married to, and then abused by, Jack Cass, a man who claimed to be a former Navy SEAL. It’s a classic story of sociopathic victimization.
Exotic dancer
Dean tells her story in a new book available in the Lovefraud Store, Hi Gorgeous! Starry Eyes and Toxic Lies.
They communicated online and by phone for a short time. Then they met for lunch, which Dean describes early in the book:
Conversation superseded our interest in our salads as we prattled on about various topics, including the characteristics we valued and disliked in potential mates. He spurned spoiled princesses and victim-oriented women, a group that included his mom—a counselor “ahead of her time,” yet victimized by by his Baptist father’s verbal abuse and infidelity with Jack’s piano teacher. He hated civilians, abhorred dishonesty and disloyalty—especially infidelity.
My bleeding heart was moved by his tale of woe, which he fully anticipated. Here was a man who’d been wounded on the battlefields of war and romance. “I let women walk all over me,” he proclaimed. The three purple hearts to which he laid claim paled in comparison to the heart he said was repeatedly broken by women who’d either cheated or bilked him out of money. “Learning to trust is a difficult task for me,” he said.
Can anyone say manipulation?
At one point before meeting Cass, Dean worked as an exotic dancer—that’s how she earned the money to take a prep course for her bar exam. Cass was fascinated by her former stint as a stripper, and after he manipulated Dean into marriage, saw his future in marketing his wife as a sexy model and dancer at biker clubs.
He, of course, had financial problems, child support payments and no steady income. But he had big ideas, which he convinced his wife to participate in. Gradually, he became more and more impatient with Dean’s contributions, and displayed his displeasure through emotional, psychological and sexual abuse.
Message of hope
In their letters to Lovefraud, many people have said their experiences with a sociopath were so outrageous that they should write a book about what happened to them. Melissa Dean has done it.
Many of you, who thought you were the only person on the planet experiencing the abuse and crazy-making of a sociopath, will take comfort in her story. You are not alone. In fact, many of you will recognize yourself, and the person who victimized you, in the tale.
Dean’s book has a happy ending—she escapes and begins to rebuild her life, her way. Her story is proof that you can recover from the abuse. It’s the message of hope and healing we all need.
HH, I sometime get scared that this thing may not be over for me for long, long time. My therapist mentioned that since my ex and I were together for 10 years, it may take 2 years for me to COMPLETELY get over this – 1 year of recovery for every 5 we were together. Trust me when I tell you, you’re not alone with they you’re thinking. It frustrates the hell out of me and I’ll share it with my therapist and she’ll simply, calmly tell me, ‘There’s no time limit to your recovery and don’t, for any reason, put a time limit on it.’ The worst thing we can do is to put dates in our minds as to when we’ll be over our ex’s. I also agree that due to the circumstances that occured with our break up, this will take a loit of time for me to recover from. I agree with you there on that point, too.
Eliza, I’m like you in the sense that sometimes, out of nowhere, I’ll begin to imagine my ex and her husband having sex and it will totally kamakze my entire day. I’m sorry that he was such an a**hole to you when you needed his comfort and not only did he talk to you in such demeaning manner, he demoralized you by cheating on you, too. He’s garbage; all of our ex’s are garbage. But again, you’re not alone with how you think. I know you have impulses to contact him but PLEASE DON’T FEED INTO HIS EGO!!!!!! Baby Girl, all your doing is ripping the band aid off the wound. As they days go by, you’ll find it easier to just avoid the impulses. I also kept a diary or a log of how I felt and kept it up for about a month. I haven’t read it for a while now but I’m not really sure I want to. Like you, I just keep telling myself that she isn’t coming back and my life will be better without her. I mean, she got married and I’m still standing! She may have knocked me down, but she didn’t cut my legs off. I’m still in the race. E, you’re better than your ex and you keep telling yourself that.
Shabby, I’ll sometimes be in the car or watching TV and I’ll begin to think about all the times my ex and I spent together and then, out of nowhere, I just get SO PISSED!!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean, I want to kick the crap out of myself for allowing her to control me in the way that I was thinking about HER wants and needs, not MINE. Once that happened, forget about it; she knew she had me right where she wanted me. It’s that ‘divide and conquer’ mentality where monarchs and dictators break down a group of people in order to over take them, be it by war, starvation, poverty, etc. and then they can control them much easier. In this case, our ex’s took us out of our element and once they saw that we weren’t who we were and we would BELIEVE anything they told us and we would do ANYTHING for them, they divided us from our way of thinking. The conquering part was easy after that.
But like any great military force we will re-group and General Donna will lead the charge against the SS (Sadistic Sociopathic) Army. Matt and I are are putting a battle plan together now and if anyone would like to burn the midnight oil with us, the more the merrier. I’m going to go put a pot of coffee on because it’s going ot one hell of a long night but the LFB (Love Fraud Brigade) will prevail. You can quote me!
Corporal Plowman………. OUT!
Henry & Eliza: Twilight Zone – funny you mentioned the very words I told my husband when asked how my interview went!
It was March 31, 1980. I was in my early 20s. I didn’t have a conservative black or navy blue skirt and white blouse … instead I wore beige corduroy straight leg slacks, white blouse and clogs. I went and interviewed with 2 managers then had my final interview with the director. During my conversation with the director (who’s office was in a glass partitioned room … walls went 3/4 to the ceiling) a series of soon to be female co-workers leaned on their desks while looking at me with the director … saying “who does she think she is shaking her a$$ in front of the boss”? I was horrified, knowing I am definitely like this! The director said to me “don’t pay attention to them, they are just jealous and immature”. Jealous and immature? I couldn’t believe my ears and eyes … hearing and seeing these predators (which I didn’t know what they were back then) leaning against their desks and being so obviously rude.
Back to the interview with the director. He asked me which job I wanted to take. Because I was sexually harassed by my boss in my last job (which is why I left) of course I needed a job. I was newly married from the year before, just starting out and needed a paycheck. So, against my better judgment (I admit to this sad fact) I took the job with the first boss I interviewed with (female boss … so I wouldn’t be sexually harassed again).
At home that night my husband inquired about the interview … I said, I just walked into the Twilight Zone … these people are so immature and rude (there was about 20 of them staring at me during the interview with the director). I never changed my opinion about that place … ever!
Every single one of those females made my life a living nightmare for over 24 years in that place of employment along with the 100s of others that walked those halls. What I chalked up to as immaturity and assumed they would outgrow when aging … turned into my introduction of working with anti-social personalities that were all self consuming, self absorbed selfish to their very core and would not hesitate to destroy another … any other.
Those of you that know my story, know I know longer work there … but the majority of these anti-social personalities do … and it’s your tax dollars that pay their salaries.
Peace.
May I add additional thoughts to this bullying that I received on the day of my interview.
What people think is bullying and that you can council a bully and they will get better. NOT true. Bully’s as kids or young adults or adults in general are the anti-social personalities of the world. People need to open their eyes and see them for what they really are!
Period.
Wini, not to be funny in any way, but does anybody recall the way Biff bullied Marty McFly in ‘Back to The Future’? Marty sees this first hand after Biff claims George’s car had a ‘blind spot’ and he doesn’t see why he’s responsible for the accident to the car. Then, before he leaves, he asks George to do HIS work and have it back to HIM in time so he can copy it and turn it in.
Remember the first encounter Marty had with his Dad upon arriving in 1955? Biff and his buddies bullying George and Biff asking George to do HIS homework and have it back to HIM so he can copy it and turn it in.
As a 10th grader, I picked up on that right away. Bullying doens’t necessarily stop as kids get older. If it doesn’t, guaranteed you’re going to see where sociopaths get their first taste of how it feels to torment someone and feel no guilt.
I would like to comment to something I felt so validated by, something Plowman said:
“In some cases, I could tell the woman was uncomfortable having to go through with it but some time later, we would run into one another and have a civil conversation and I felt a lot better that we did have that conversation. This type of break up was completely out of left field for me – not your typical break up. I mean, we’re all here because our ex’s didn’t follow through with a ’by-the-book’ way of breaking up with us. No, the methods they used are dirty, cut throat, vile and totally irresponsible and those that try and justify these actions i.e. parents, siblings, friends, etc. aren’t any better.”
It’s so true. I think it’s worth keeping this fact in mind when I start feeling “crazy” and start putting blame on myself. I mean, really; how is it possible that I was able to move through other break ups quite okay. Pain, sadness, missing the person were all there, but then eventually gone after a reasonable time period. No nightmares, flashback, desire to try to prove the world that I was abused like in the case with the S.
This DOES prove something. I have ran into people I dated and parted with, no biggie, really. A bit awkward, but I can make small talk and can be gracious. We are all adults after all.
Not in the case with the S. I followed no contact for 3-4 years. I figured if I ran into him I will just be civil, maybe say hi, but leave it that. Despite my own unresolved anger I have for him.
When I did run into him, it was on the subway. He was with his new wife, and I did not notice until I sat down. They were watching me and laughing at me. When I looked at him he turned away and was bursting with laughter, same as his wife who turned her back at me. They just kept looking at each other, trying contain their laughs. He avoided eye contact with me. He pretended not to see me, yet he was laughing at me. Then finally he looked at me and I waved a little wave and got off the the train. The whole thing made me very ill. Super ill. My therapist said I should have pretended to ignore him. Yeah, why didn’t I? I think because he was trying to shame and shun me. I had to let him know that it did not work.
Wow was I wrong thinking that I could apply the civil with the ex rule with the S. No way, never. It just does not work with S. They continue to be pathological in their behavior.
Plowman: It’s the same thing … children first learn to bully and get away with it. As adults in the work force, they do the same thing … less subtle, but bullying just the same.
I don’t know about the states anyone else on LF lives in … but, where I live, private companies and government agencies have these bully types at the top of the heap. They are the top managers, top CEOs … and surround themselves with other anti-social personalities to beat all the decent folks down into submission. Say something about their bad behavior and you are demoted and/or fired. They surround themselves with personnel officers that do their bidding. It’s incredible how corrupt they are and how they have taken over this county.
Now you are seeing what I have been witnessing since the early 80s.
And the president is giving them the bailout money. Giving money to predators.
Hey, I’m not saying not to have government help companies out due to how the anti-social personalities in those companies crashed and burned it to the ground. However, I haven’t seen any of these so-called anti-socials get fired before the money goes to helping the decent folks out.
Want to know who the anti-socials are … quick and easy … look at their work histories for the last 20 years … look at who got EXCELLENT across the board on their evaluations … look at the positions of authority they sit in … and you will be looking at the anti-social personality. Trace back their promotions and who they hired and promoted to surround them … and there too you will find the anti-social personalities who flew up the ranks over the hard working, loyal, God loving employees.
It doesn’t take an Einstein to figure this out.
Peace.
Greenfern: Bottom line … they use everyone to get what they want, when they want it … and where they want to go. Everyone that comes in contact with them is being used. Period. They may not know it at them time … but sit back and wait. His new wife laughing at you today, will be crying on your shoulder in a few short months/years.
That’s it. There is nothing more to figuring them out. They are USERS. They will use you for sex … not make love to you. They will use or steal your money as they lie to you. They will trash your credit history … trash your credibility … your reputation. They are ruthless. Period.
It’s all about what’s in it for them. Enough said.
Peace to your heart as you heal. You are one of the few lucky ones … like the rest of us on this site. We got away from the likes of them.
Some weren’t so lucky … just look at the obituaries for years gone by and see all the domestic violence, corporate take overs, partners in business with the creeps … the ruthless killings of another because they happen to come into the path of an anti-social personality that simply needed them out of their way.
Just have a question, if a person is with a sociopath and knows what they are like the guy my ex never left how does someone stay in a relationship like that for over 9 years when they say they know how to deal with the S/P is that not like playing with fire ? I remember her telling me the reason why she stays with him is because he lets her do what ever she want’s please help me but am i not getting all this ? or is this guy like her ?
Taken for a ride:
“I remember her telling me the reason why she stays with him is because he lets her do what ever she want’s.”
Look at the irony of that statement, let alone the contradiction in it.
Yes, it is important to retain your identity and autonomy in a relationship. That said, in a healthy relationship, the two people in it are working toward common goals and do consider what the impact of anything they CONSIDER doing will have on their partner and the relationship.
In your statement the person in that so-called relationship is operating independently, as is the sociopath. There is no relationship — just 2 people pursuing their own agendas.
The partner of the sociopath is as twisted as the sociopath, in my humble opinion.
God bless you Matt. I pray every day to get past all this.