Melissa K. Dean was a new lawyer in a new job. All she needed was a new romantic interest. So she posted her profile in Match.com, and received more than 30 responses in the first two days. One of the men started began his message boldly, writing, “Hi Gorgeous!”
For a woman who had long doubted her feminine appeal, the words were irresistible. More words followed—words that seemed to indicate mutual interests and goals, words that appealed to the woman’s sympathies.
Melissa K. Dean tells the story of being seduced by, married to, and then abused by, Jack Cass, a man who claimed to be a former Navy SEAL. It’s a classic story of sociopathic victimization.
Exotic dancer
Dean tells her story in a new book available in the Lovefraud Store, Hi Gorgeous! Starry Eyes and Toxic Lies.
They communicated online and by phone for a short time. Then they met for lunch, which Dean describes early in the book:
Conversation superseded our interest in our salads as we prattled on about various topics, including the characteristics we valued and disliked in potential mates. He spurned spoiled princesses and victim-oriented women, a group that included his mom—a counselor “ahead of her time,” yet victimized by by his Baptist father’s verbal abuse and infidelity with Jack’s piano teacher. He hated civilians, abhorred dishonesty and disloyalty—especially infidelity.
My bleeding heart was moved by his tale of woe, which he fully anticipated. Here was a man who’d been wounded on the battlefields of war and romance. “I let women walk all over me,” he proclaimed. The three purple hearts to which he laid claim paled in comparison to the heart he said was repeatedly broken by women who’d either cheated or bilked him out of money. “Learning to trust is a difficult task for me,” he said.
Can anyone say manipulation?
At one point before meeting Cass, Dean worked as an exotic dancer—that’s how she earned the money to take a prep course for her bar exam. Cass was fascinated by her former stint as a stripper, and after he manipulated Dean into marriage, saw his future in marketing his wife as a sexy model and dancer at biker clubs.
He, of course, had financial problems, child support payments and no steady income. But he had big ideas, which he convinced his wife to participate in. Gradually, he became more and more impatient with Dean’s contributions, and displayed his displeasure through emotional, psychological and sexual abuse.
Message of hope
In their letters to Lovefraud, many people have said their experiences with a sociopath were so outrageous that they should write a book about what happened to them. Melissa Dean has done it.
Many of you, who thought you were the only person on the planet experiencing the abuse and crazy-making of a sociopath, will take comfort in her story. You are not alone. In fact, many of you will recognize yourself, and the person who victimized you, in the tale.
Dean’s book has a happy ending—she escapes and begins to rebuild her life, her way. Her story is proof that you can recover from the abuse. It’s the message of hope and healing we all need.
Ok, another one for Match.com, and he must of smelled me coming… a widow after a 26 year marriage, I was so incredibly vulnerable and of course he said and did all the right things, ending up taking me for a small fortune! I even reported him to Match and he’s still up there, they just ignored me.
He thought I was and idiot, in some ways I was but I keep very good records! Fraud is an ugly thing, and I’m pretty sure the government won’t like it when they find out they are the target. LOL They may not like defending people like us, but if it’s them, it’ll be a different story.
I probably won’t recover everything I lost but if it’ll stop a professional con man, thief and liar, from hurting someone else, hey, I’m all for it.
I met mine on Yahoo personals. Actually she was the second one from the site but the first one only lasted two months and I am so glad it ended so quickly and easily because we lived three hrs away from each other. The second one was three yrs of pure hell! I will NEVER use a dating site to find anyone again!!!! It was honest enough on my part because I work alot and dont have alot of time to socialize so it seemed like the perfect thing to do. DING! The gong just swung and sweeped me off the stage
Plowman,
you sound like me now. I recently found the strength to tell my “S” to leave me the hell alone! And it seems the more I tell her, the more she is pouring it on. Im getting stronger about the NO CONTACT rule but sometimes my anger now just doesnt allow that. I really tell her what I think of her and how she treated me and how she is heartless and without remorse. It all is even through cowardly phone text because she even isnt woman enough to call me and speak to my face. And the more I tell her about herself the more she blames me for everything and how its my fault and that my anger goes much deeper than “our issues” and she brings my family, job, and anything else she can latch onto trying to make me believe it was me!!!! The funny thing is, after being on this site I recognize her patterns and the contact we have actually helps me see so clearly just who she is and my text back have been much less frequent and its getting so much easier to just not do it! For instance, yesterday morning she text me at 8:00 am and said she didnt want to fight anymore and if I couldnt change and let go of my anger (which I have because she cheated on me three times and lied to my face about a thousand times and Im now about 30,000 dollars in unneeded debt because of her)and work on our future then stay the hell away from her. I thought about it all day long and at five oclock she texts me with a text about a stupid picture frame that she was looking for and said she couldnt find. When I responded with “Im not going to change because of your stupid mistakes and I will not longer compromise my values because of the damage you cause” she text me back and said she was going to block me from her phone, email ETC. I responded with capital letters “BLOCK ME, IT WILL ONLY HELP ME GET RID OF YOU!” I didnt hear anything again until this morning when I got a text that said and I kid you not….” I had a xray this mrng & they found you in my heart. Dr. said he couldn’t take you out, bcuz I’d die without u!!!” LMAO!!!! I did not even respond and couldn’t because it is so obvious to me now who and what she is and her patterns. I would love to respond to that one with every sarcasm that has come to my brain but so far so good. There will come a time for you Plowman that your anger will start being beneficial in a sense to you because you seem like an extremely caring individual but hard headed like me because you strive so hard to make something work and you hate to take no for an answer. But this is one like I told myself I’m just gonna have to chalk up as a very valuable lessoned learned. Another friend of mine on here was having a down moment last night and when I read his email I was like come on, lets not have a pity party because we all will have them(and believe me you will on your road to getting over this too) but like I told him, Im picking you up by the shoulders…..now lets dust ourselves off,shall we?
Keep reading this blog Plowman, it has helped me tremendously and Im just a little pion(sp?) compared to some of the people on here and their advice. the best thing you did was find this site. I wish you the best and we all know what you are up against
OxD, I always wondered what your user name meant. 🙂
I have not posted here for a while. I just wanted to report that I haven’t had much desire to talk about my ex and all of his craziness, even for the sake of helping others. I think this is a positive step in my healing. I am working on forgiving and setting limits with the members of the internet community I belong to where I met the S. A few of them that I reached out to betrayed me, out of their lack of understanding of just how I was traumatized. I still belong to the forum. Fortunately, the S has left (I’m hoping for good) and no one has brought his name up in many months, so I have been enjoying being there. In addition, my massage practice has been growing in leaps and bounds, which keeps me pretty busy.
The ongoing healing work for me is not about the S. I know I will never talk to him again. It’s more about dealing with my borderline abandonment issues which I have talked about so frequently here. I’m happy to say I am making progress here as well. It’s been a bumpy road. I hope to one day make a full recovery. I doubt I will ever trust a therapist, but I’m beginning to trust myself to take care of myself. It’s a start. I’m learning some things about myself (like I’m a very deeply feeling person) that some people cannot relate to but others who are like-minded are drawn to. Oh well, I can’t please everybody. I am not apologizing for who I am any more.
I wish for everyone on this site continued healing and wisdom. The people here are amazing and just here when you need them.
I just got out of the craziest thing that I can’t really explain, except I am about 100 percent certain I was involved with a sociopath. I haven’t spoken to him for three days. Trying to stay away, feeling stupid that I am tempted to try and contact him again. He told me he was an attorney intially, that he really liked me, I was the best sex he ever had, talked to me all day every day. Then he stopped talking to me so often. Told me that we never had a relationship, just an experience. Limited our conversations to myspace. If I tried to stop communication I would recieve some sort of suggestive text, most recently a picture of his penis that I could clearly see he had mass texted to me and five other women. Why do I still want this person. I think I need my head examined.
Is it usual for sociopaths to say strange things that catch you so off guard that it takes days to process it. He said so many things that left me dumbfounded. IE I don’t have a soul, but if you died I would be sad, I would have your son build you a casket out of legos.
Eliza,
Welcome to Love Fraud, I’m sorry you wound up here but it is a good place if you are a candidate for needing it. Welcome!@.......
Anestu,
Why don’t you go NC and stop responding to her texts and e mails, etc. It will, I promise you, make your healing quicker and easier. As long as we respond to them at all they will keep it up, the games and the pounding on us. It is only when we stop reading or listening, and pretend they are potted plants, and DON’T RESPOND that we can truly get them out of our lives. Consider it. Good luck.
Yes, eliza, they have strange thought patterns. I encourage you to read the book “without conscience” by Robert D. Hare. He give many examples of the crazy, nonsensical thought patterns of sociopaths. The “I’m in love with you” one day, then “I never loved you” the next day is very common with these types. We’ve all been dumped before, but when you’ve been discarded by a sociopath, it’s different.
Dear Blew me away,
Welcome to you as well, hang around and read. I was also a vulnerable widow and hooked up with a psychopath 8 months after my husband died. Good luck and hang around here, theres lots of support and comfort and knowledge here. Welcome!
I have been meaning to pick that up, read Sociopath Next Door already. I started suspecting that I wasn’t dealing with a normal person right away, noticed a chilliness. I just thought he was mysterious and it actually made me like him more I think. Then I started researching a bit as things got stranger. When I found out he was not an attorney, he works for Child Protection as a social worker. He had told me stories about photographing crime scenes, gave graphic details, told me it didn’t really affect him. He tried to tell me that he and I were the same, that neither of us really cared about anyone else. He likes animals though, told me if he had to shoot a child or an animal, he would shoot the child. Other than that he fits so many of the characteristics.