Melissa K. Dean was a new lawyer in a new job. All she needed was a new romantic interest. So she posted her profile in Match.com, and received more than 30 responses in the first two days. One of the men started began his message boldly, writing, “Hi Gorgeous!”
For a woman who had long doubted her feminine appeal, the words were irresistible. More words followed—words that seemed to indicate mutual interests and goals, words that appealed to the woman’s sympathies.
Melissa K. Dean tells the story of being seduced by, married to, and then abused by, Jack Cass, a man who claimed to be a former Navy SEAL. It’s a classic story of sociopathic victimization.
Exotic dancer
Dean tells her story in a new book available in the Lovefraud Store, Hi Gorgeous! Starry Eyes and Toxic Lies.
They communicated online and by phone for a short time. Then they met for lunch, which Dean describes early in the book:
Conversation superseded our interest in our salads as we prattled on about various topics, including the characteristics we valued and disliked in potential mates. He spurned spoiled princesses and victim-oriented women, a group that included his mom—a counselor “ahead of her time,” yet victimized by by his Baptist father’s verbal abuse and infidelity with Jack’s piano teacher. He hated civilians, abhorred dishonesty and disloyalty—especially infidelity.
My bleeding heart was moved by his tale of woe, which he fully anticipated. Here was a man who’d been wounded on the battlefields of war and romance. “I let women walk all over me,” he proclaimed. The three purple hearts to which he laid claim paled in comparison to the heart he said was repeatedly broken by women who’d either cheated or bilked him out of money. “Learning to trust is a difficult task for me,” he said.
Can anyone say manipulation?
At one point before meeting Cass, Dean worked as an exotic dancer—that’s how she earned the money to take a prep course for her bar exam. Cass was fascinated by her former stint as a stripper, and after he manipulated Dean into marriage, saw his future in marketing his wife as a sexy model and dancer at biker clubs.
He, of course, had financial problems, child support payments and no steady income. But he had big ideas, which he convinced his wife to participate in. Gradually, he became more and more impatient with Dean’s contributions, and displayed his displeasure through emotional, psychological and sexual abuse.
Message of hope
In their letters to Lovefraud, many people have said their experiences with a sociopath were so outrageous that they should write a book about what happened to them. Melissa Dean has done it.
Many of you, who thought you were the only person on the planet experiencing the abuse and crazy-making of a sociopath, will take comfort in her story. You are not alone. In fact, many of you will recognize yourself, and the person who victimized you, in the tale.
Dean’s book has a happy ending—she escapes and begins to rebuild her life, her way. Her story is proof that you can recover from the abuse. It’s the message of hope and healing we all need.
The reality is that they assume whatever role necessary to get whatever they want. The XS/P portrayed himself very differently to me than he appears based on his lifestyle as it is today. i think he gave me information he thought would impress me. For example, he told his new girlfriend that he used to be a big drug addict turned Nave SEAL. I got the SEAL story but not the addict story. it’s not where I come from. He x husband in is prison for distribution of drugs….. it’s whatever we can relate to……. Then they brag about it !
All my life I have taken for granted that I am high enough on the food chain as a human being that I don’t have to always be on my guard to prevent being devoured. NOW, I am a paranoid mess.
In American Psycho, at the beginning, when he describes his skin care regimine, I had to laugh. I listened to my S rattle off his skin care regimine, randomly, unprovoked, as we lay in my bed together. So odd. How sad that this was all he could think of to talk to me about.
eliza, I think I lived in a bit of a naive world of not realizing there are truly evil people who can do such emotional damage aside from what is “against the law”. Unfortunately, there is no law against moral insanity. Abuse comes in many forms. Some of it isn’t illegal but it doesn’t make it any less dangerous.
I am confident that I will trust again, because i want to. i am confident that I will make mistakes again, because I am human. But it won’t be like this again EVER. I won’t lower my boundaries and standards again for any reason. I just need more time to heal. A very good friend in the Army siad “trust then verify”. There is nothing wrong with that. I need some consistency in that trust before I open myself up completely again.
I think that is completely understandable given what we have been through. My standards are high, for myself and anyone with whom I choose to have a relationship. I am hurting. My pride is hurt. It feels like a death, and even worse, one that until now I couldn’t talk to anyone about.
I know that you and I are both going to be restored, and even stronger. It is empowering to know what to look for. I will never feel guilty for seeking truth again, I am very honest and straight forward, i expect no less from another.
meant to address that to keeping_faith. I keep forgetting, SORRY
Eliza:
Just saw your posts from earlier today.
Did my S give me the creeps? Not initially. He hit me with the charm offensive and I willingly let myself get swept off my feet. Later on, I would look at him and feel my skin crawl. I knew something was wayyyyyyy off, but I didn’t know what.
And you’re right — he will get better with time. My S feigned passion beautifully. He really was a lousy kisser. Initially he was enthusiastic in bed — made me feel like I was the world’s best lover.
As things disintegrated, he would withhold sex. Every romantic vacation I took us on — from Mexico to Mykonos he would withhold. If and when he did put out, he basically rolled over and played dead.
Looking back, it was the closest to necrophilia I’ll ever come in this lifetime.
I would have given anything for the passion he feigned up front. Like keeping_faith I did anything and everything I could to get back those magical first couple of months. I paid dearly, both emotionally and financially.
Like keeping_faith, I can’t understand how I tolerated the lies, the creepy behavior, the abuse, the control — the list is endless.
As I’ve said before, some days I wonder how I ever lived like that, other days I wonder how I ever lived through that.
Have to tell you one more thing, speaking as a gay man. I’ve had straight friends — male and female — go with me to gay bars before. They know they’re straight. I know they’re straight. And every gay person in that bar who has half-intact “gaydar” knows they’re straight.
Your S, however, goes to gay bars so gay men will buy him drinks. And to get them to pay him attention.
Hmmm. Putting aside his expressed interest in which role in bed he’d play (there is no male-female in gay world), I’d say at a minimum he’s very confused about his sexuality and at a maximum he’s cruising the bars looking for action.
I do not for a minute by that he’s just there for a drink. Personally, it sounds to me like he is looking for action. I have seen too many instances of men and women in gay bars who are running around behind their spouse’s/significant other’s back, looking to have it both ways. It fills me with contempt.
So it’s all about using? And just finding groups of people who might be available for use? Like church, or AA meetings, or airport terminals: places where people might be a little vulnerable? And it has nothing to do with love, respect, true human heartfelt interaction . . .
Rune:
By George, I think she’s got it!
I have spent time at gay bars, I have a lot of gay friends, so I know that is totally normal. I just found it unusual the way he discussed it with me…but it is probably just one more thing he was saying to see how I reacted. I think maybe one day he will just say “Oh yeah I know it seemed like I was a misogynist and I know I mistreated a lot of women, but that’s because I was gay.” Maybe he was trying to get me to suspect so that I would feel sorry for him for feeling like he has to supress his sexuality. WHO knows? I think he would put his penis in anyone if they offered him tickets to a soccer match or WHATEVER he was valuing at the moment.