“Victims are created in two ways: by violence or by deceit. Either type of assault immediately renders the victim hostage to the perpetrator.”
So begins the book Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, MS, MFT. Lovefraud strongly recommends that anyone who has been victimized by a sociopath read this book, whether you have faced your perpetrator in court or not.
The book explains how people who have suffered injury at the hands of some type of predator often face further injury inflicted by lawyers and the courts, who can be, at best, disinterested, and at worst, corrupt. Legal Abuse Syndrome, Huffer says, is a form of post traumatic stress disorder caused by prolonged contact with the so-called “justice” system.
Along the way, however, the author answers many of the questions that those of us victimized by sociopaths have asked:
If I am the victim, why do I feel guilty?
Why can’t I share my devastation with my family and friends?
How can I recover from this assault?
Conscience-centered and power-centered
Huffer does not call the perpetrators of assault, and the complicit people in the legal bureaucracy, sociopaths or psychopaths. Rather, she describes everyone as fitting somewhere on a continuum of motivation between “conscience-centered” and “power-centered.” The extreme power-centered individuals, however, are clearly sociopaths.
Huffer writes:
Trust has usually left the conscience-centered vulnerable. If deception is to work, there have to be those who trust. Convergence of power-centered and conscience-centered people, in their purest forms, will inevitably result in the conscience-centered person being victimized. It is a marriage of deathly complementary value systems upon which the power-centered thrive. They literally tend a garden of trusting relationships while perpetrating hidden agendas.
Those who value truth, honesty, and a moral and ethical code make up the majority of people. These masses are the conscience-centered who collide head-on against a slick minority of individuals, the power-centered. PC’s pull out the “big guns” of moral turpitude for power motives, regardless of damage to others or society.
Of course, everyone on Lovefraud knows exactly what the author is talking about.
Eight steps to recovery
Even more important than describing the experience of the victim—”the kidnapping of the soul”—Karin Huffer offers a path to recovery.
- Debriefing: Writing down, in a particular format, exactly what happened.
- Grieving: A natural and healing reaction to the most profound loss—a loss of trust.
- Obsession: Figuring out what happened occupies a victim’s life.
- Blaming: Guilt, rage, anger and wrong need to be directed at the offender.
- Deshaming: Victims must get rid of inappropriate shame.
- Reframing: Reframe the experience with insights that empower and affirm the self.
- Empowerment: Taking ownership of the ravaged experience.
- Recovery: Emerging from victim as a veteran, with honed wisdom, courage and tools.
Huffer’s point is that it is possible to recover from the destruction inflicted by power-centered individuals, i.e., sociopaths, and grow as an individual. It is a message of hope.
Overcoming devastation
This book’s full title is Overcoming the Devastation of Legal Abuse Syndrome. It provides case studies of people who have been defrauded by criminals, lawyers and judges, often operating in cahoots. Only one case involved a typical Lovefraud story—a deceptive husband trying to cut his wife out of the marital assets. And it does offer advice for people who are in litigation with predators.
But I think the book could be called Overcoming the Devastation of a Sociopath. From cover to cover, it is filled with insight into what we have experienced, and how to come to terms with it. It is invaluable help for anyone who, after gross deception and injustice, trying to recover a sense of self.
Buy the book in the Lovefraud Store.
Ox Drover
Dear Fly,
Yes, I TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU, I recommend to newcomers that they go back and read every ARTICLE here, the bloggs on some are so long that it would almost be impossible to read all the articles and the associated bloggs too, BUT the articles themselves, all of them, are GOLD for a “newbie”!
You are also SO RIGHT about them BEING THE LIE. The first episode of my P-son LYING WHEN CONFRONTED with the evidence was at age 11. I didn’t know THEN what it meant, but in retrospect, I know it was the first P-episode! Now he will lie when the truth would fit BETTER, and in the FACE OF EVIDENCE to the contrary.
flyspeck
It has been a great place for me. I have started from the beginning and read up to here. Have more to go.
But it has been a lifesaver for me. Literally.
But my question is……how do they ignore facts? How do they twist things around so weirdly and BELIEVE?
Jim in Indiana USA
flyspeck…it works for them…in their strange world.
And here we are, again, trying to make sense of it, trying to explain it…Donna’s article Feb 2nd, I think…the flaw in trying to view them with our normal eyes…it will never make sense…that’s why NO CONTACT is the only way, and the memories fade, too slowly.
Matt
flyspeck:
“But my question is—how do they ignore facts? How do they twist things around so weirdly and BELIEVE?”
That is always the mind-boggling part. My S was arrested for stealing paychecks from a former employer to feed his drug habit. I would listen to him say “I’ve had it with my boss. I”m going to go back and work in health care.”
In the next breath he would say “I’m going to call your friend Y and go work selling jewelry like he does to the ultra rich.”
And all I remember is sitting there thinking “In what lifetime. In what universe?”
Ox Drover
Dear Fly,
Your question is like “how high is up?” or “how low is down?” They just DO it, I think maybe they seem to think if they keep denying it that you will BELIEVE. Or that some how, like a 5 year old will not understand that you KNOW he was in the cookie jar because you heard him lift the lid and clink the glass, they somehow don’t get it that VISUAL proof is enough for you, and that if they keep on lying that some how you will be able to ignore what you SEE (or hear) as proof.
My son lied and lied and denied and denied even when his own attorney told me the evidence against him which was irrefutible evidence that he killed the girl. But you know, I still don’t UNDERSTAND how someone can do that, but they have NO shame, no conscience, and no remorse, so they aren’t effected by being caught in a lie like you or I would be. We would be embarassed, humiliated, and would try to “explain” it with another lie, but we wouldn’t just deny deny deny! But they do…but I don’t think we will totally understand why!
Rune
Flyspeck: Their reality is whatever they choose it to be. A legend in their own mind, so to speak.
I remember watching the S/P practice his lie in the mirror. He believed it as he said it. I didn’t know what I was watching at the time.
We must remember — they are THAT twisted. The problem is that their “mental illness” doesn’t look like mental illness to others. But we have to remember — they are sick.
I’m glad you are here, and hope you are well.
Is opn
Rune: The S that I knew used to talk to himself and look in the mirror. Not when I was in the room. I happened to walk in and see him looking at the mirror and talking, like there was another person he was talking to, or talking to himself to believe what he was saying. It was usually during an angry time.
Rune
Is Opn: I have seen that with two people — the S/P who targeted me in an elaborate con, and a person with multiple personalities (Dissociative Identity Disorder or DID). I have had a conversation with two experts in the field of researching psychopaths, and one had never heard of this, the other one had wondered if a psychopath might dissociate without amnesia — in other words, with the invented new lie or “personality” they wouldn’t show guilt, because to that “personality” the lie was the new truth.
Years ago I watched a movie with Terry Quinn (of LOST, the TV show). The movie was called “The Stepfather.” At the time, I thought it was the scariest movie I had ever seen. Now I think it is a pretty accurate description of a psychopath, but there is one scene in which the guy is rehearsing his facial expressions and tone of voice by watching “Mr. Ed.” When I saw the S/P rehearsing in front of the mirror (I walked in on him) I thought of that scene and got the cold chills. I didn’t have an explanation, but I knew I was seeing something far beyond creepy!
hens
we need a thread just for rant’s and rave’s – where we aren’t always looking for a response but just a place to let off some steam or think out loud. Somebody said, I think it was Kathy – turn off the words in our head and just feel the emotions – sounds like a good plan, wish it worked for me. Midnite reflection is here ten years after her encounter, Southernman three years after and he is still haunted – I so relate with that word – Haunted – i feel like a whimp cause it has been one year for me and I am still walking around with lead in my shoes, like a deer looking in the head lights not knowing which way to run – yes bottom line is I know what happened – I think I want to stop putting labels on the disorder, his and mine and whatever was wrong was just so fucking wrong…
Is opn
Rune:omgosh, It was the strangest thing I had ever seen and would ever want to see again. It happened on other occasions.
I am changing the cell phone number tomorrow.
Message today I had to go to dr. 2 times and had tests, on beta blockers, dr. and I agree I don’t need stress right now because you did not answer important text if I could spend support money to go to doctor. I can’t have stress.
I am changing the cell phone number tomorrow.