“Victims are created in two ways: by violence or by deceit. Either type of assault immediately renders the victim hostage to the perpetrator.”
So begins the book Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, MS, MFT. Lovefraud strongly recommends that anyone who has been victimized by a sociopath read this book, whether you have faced your perpetrator in court or not.
The book explains how people who have suffered injury at the hands of some type of predator often face further injury inflicted by lawyers and the courts, who can be, at best, disinterested, and at worst, corrupt. Legal Abuse Syndrome, Huffer says, is a form of post traumatic stress disorder caused by prolonged contact with the so-called “justice” system.
Along the way, however, the author answers many of the questions that those of us victimized by sociopaths have asked:
If I am the victim, why do I feel guilty?
Why can’t I share my devastation with my family and friends?
How can I recover from this assault?
Conscience-centered and power-centered
Huffer does not call the perpetrators of assault, and the complicit people in the legal bureaucracy, sociopaths or psychopaths. Rather, she describes everyone as fitting somewhere on a continuum of motivation between “conscience-centered” and “power-centered.” The extreme power-centered individuals, however, are clearly sociopaths.
Huffer writes:
Trust has usually left the conscience-centered vulnerable. If deception is to work, there have to be those who trust. Convergence of power-centered and conscience-centered people, in their purest forms, will inevitably result in the conscience-centered person being victimized. It is a marriage of deathly complementary value systems upon which the power-centered thrive. They literally tend a garden of trusting relationships while perpetrating hidden agendas.
Those who value truth, honesty, and a moral and ethical code make up the majority of people. These masses are the conscience-centered who collide head-on against a slick minority of individuals, the power-centered. PC’s pull out the “big guns” of moral turpitude for power motives, regardless of damage to others or society.
Of course, everyone on Lovefraud knows exactly what the author is talking about.
Eight steps to recovery
Even more important than describing the experience of the victim—”the kidnapping of the soul”—Karin Huffer offers a path to recovery.
- Debriefing: Writing down, in a particular format, exactly what happened.
- Grieving: A natural and healing reaction to the most profound loss—a loss of trust.
- Obsession: Figuring out what happened occupies a victim’s life.
- Blaming: Guilt, rage, anger and wrong need to be directed at the offender.
- Deshaming: Victims must get rid of inappropriate shame.
- Reframing: Reframe the experience with insights that empower and affirm the self.
- Empowerment: Taking ownership of the ravaged experience.
- Recovery: Emerging from victim as a veteran, with honed wisdom, courage and tools.
Huffer’s point is that it is possible to recover from the destruction inflicted by power-centered individuals, i.e., sociopaths, and grow as an individual. It is a message of hope.
Overcoming devastation
This book’s full title is Overcoming the Devastation of Legal Abuse Syndrome. It provides case studies of people who have been defrauded by criminals, lawyers and judges, often operating in cahoots. Only one case involved a typical Lovefraud story—a deceptive husband trying to cut his wife out of the marital assets. And it does offer advice for people who are in litigation with predators.
But I think the book could be called Overcoming the Devastation of a Sociopath. From cover to cover, it is filled with insight into what we have experienced, and how to come to terms with it. It is invaluable help for anyone who, after gross deception and injustice, trying to recover a sense of self.
Buy the book in the Lovefraud Store.
Isopn This is for you – In the end the final discard belongs to us. We set the limit. We end the dance. They have no limits and are unable to do this. The abyss between devaluation by our partner and the ultimate discard by our choice is bridged when we realize that there is no going back in any way. No friendship, no enmity, there can be nothing at all.
henry: In the end the final discard belongs to us. We set the limit. We end the dance. They have no limits and are unable to do this.
Yes… Yes… Yes, I agree this could go on for decades and more decades, a different day and a new story lie.
The stories just get so out of believing anything, of what an S may say. But having the insight they are lies, with a straight face, and no conscience makes it easier to keep moving on.
One of the people I confide in and one of the few other than here that believes what I say goes on, is as amazed as I am, and says it has gone on for too long.
I thought through time that it would just go away. It won’t happen after all is said and done. I have to go away, a new location, cleared out by the van lines in hours and no forwarding for peace of mind.
DEar Henry! You scoundrel! You’re jealous of a 26 year old cowboy! He’s just a kid, cute, yes, but such a dunce about life! (I mean than in a nice way, BTW) His P x wife sure did a number on him, bless his little heart! And yea, when I was younger I wold have been all over him, but you know, looking at him now, I just want to put a band aid o n his “boo-boo” and tell him “there there, it will be okay” and You know, it will be for a while til he hooks up with another dysfunctional relationship. I’m helping him learn to dig out from the financial pit his X put him in, but he isn’t ready to learn what really hit him. He’s trying to be a “macho man” and keep a “stiff upper lip” and all that crap that guys (especially guys) do when they have been emotionally injured.
By the time he finds out the next one is a P he will probably have 2 or 3 kids, more the shame. His last one was a doozie, and she and her past BF who is her new BF came with her to the stockyards where this kid works on sale day Tuesdays herding cattle and crashed into his truck with her truck!
If he can keep his trailer payments made he will be lucky, he’s moved back in with his parents and is renting it out for nearly enough to cover the payments, and shoeing horses after work til dark or after to try to catch up. At least he is willing to work, and work hard and his bosses are helping him get all the work he can as well.
That’s the heck of it, he’s a “good kid” at heart, hard working, up front and honest, and doesn’t even know what “truck” hit him. He doesn’t even realize how to spot the red flags, and at this point in his life (and probably forever too) he can’t grasp that it wasn’t an “ordinary” break up.
That’s one of the frustrations, is that no matter how YOU can see it, they have to be ready to RECEIVE the knowledge themselves…they have to know that they NEED it.
Back when I was his age, I was pretty “dumb” too, I didn’t even know what I needed to know, much less how to get that knowledge. I guess another case of “too soon old, too late smart!” Goodnight, I am going to bed now, almost 1 a.m. (((hugs)))))
isopn – I dont know your situation, if you still live with him or what, but no contact is as simple as changing phone numbers, changing locks and not opening the door. Dont comunicate with anyone that knows him. You dont have to move, just go No Contact right now…
I contradict myself all the time on here – there is nothing simple about No Contact – but it can be done with out moving..
and ATT will change your number to unlisted numbers at no charge if you tell them you are getting threatening phone calls – no contact is the ONLY weapon we have against them – no cantact is our ultimate salvation.
henry: No I don’t live with S. I changed the locks 9 months ago and he seemed to have accepted it at the time, and disappeared, with no calls or anything for about 4 months. In December I went to drop off gifts at a relatives house, and who was in the driveway after I pulled in, the S. He filled me in without me asking of his past months, the IRS is after him and owes money to , was arrested for something, had to pay tow fees, a lawyer, a program he had to enroll in and everything was coming down on him. And no work for the winter, no place to live etc.
In January he wanted to come and get some things here, stayed for a while and we had a long, long chat after he asked me to remarry him and I said, no, how stupid. I calmly explained why not, because of all the most major occurrences in the relationship and I no longer wanted to live this way. I said it is not good for either of us. My stupidity, I thought it was maybe emotional issues, or ill mental health, drinking or something was wrong. I was firm and he listened.
And then all this followed. I did not know then he was an S until I came here and saw him in every trait. If I knew then I would not have had that final, we are done, sorry talk and be happy.
In October I started seeing someone until December. One time S drove by incognito with a hat, sun glasses, and cell phone to his ear in another car and watched as I got into the car of the guy I was dating. I never dated anyone before this.
Married 20 something years before a non S, and married second time with S off and on for 4 but really eight off and on when he was gone by choice or told to leave. Divorced him 4 years ago. And he moved on. I kept letting him back no money, no place to live.
S was stirred up by me moving on with a new man on my arm and more than likely had seen him arriving at my house with flowers etc.
The next way to go is you are right by changing the phone numbers, but knowing S, he will appear at the door, which will not be opened.
I can’t move now in reality, sounds good though. I have to sell first and stay with frozen pies and fix doorknob etc. and do it as it needs to be done.
Then, if after changing numbers etc. it continues, will have to take the next step in the legal process and throughout NC. The hook is being put out to me. I am not accepting it and things sometimes get a little more intense, but I will find out.
Thanks Henry
my x showed up in my driveway one time when I was outside – I went in the house shut the door and didnt open it when he knocked – I never said a word or made eye contact – he has not been back since – one year now – not opening that door took every ounce of willpower I had – but I knew he was an imposter and not who he pretended to be – I would give anything if he was who he pretended to be – does that makes sense? goodnite ….
Henry,
God, that makes sense. I have felt that way so many times. I have to chastise myself and remind myself it’s not real.
I honestly think the best way to get rid of an S or an N for that matter is to act like they don’t exist. Thinking of DJ, there are some S’s that will lose it and MAKE you pay attention to them, but I think most of them don’t want to blow their game. If you don’t respond to them, they can’t make you look like the crazy one, you just look like a bitch, which is sometimes hard for us to accept, but better than looking crazy. It reminds me of the final scene in Labrynth, when Sara tells the Goblin King “you have no power over me,” and she wins, up until then she was stuck in his world playing by his rules caught in a maze.
Henry’s got the right idea, do not engage. Is opn, you know what you’re facing now and you know what to do. I didn’t even have a last conversation with the S, I had had so many conversations before that trying to make him see we were through, trying to tell him he needed help. I decided I was done and stopped all contact.
Henry and Oxy, you’re right about needing new patterns. That’s why I’m here, to share my story with others who may get something from it to help on there road to recovery, and to further my work on new patterns. Yes, it’s important to heal from our encounters with the S’s in our lives, but the other important step is making sure it doesn’t continue to happen. Part of the S/N/P trap is preying on our inclination to rescue others even if it means risking our own lives. It’s like we’re on a ship in the ocean and the S’s call to us like sirens in the water or they act like they are drowning, we should just throw them a life preserver or maybe send them a dingy, but instead we jump overboard and risk drowning ourselves to try to save them. Those of us who already had issues before the S don’t even have a ship, we’re on the sea in rowboats, yet we still risk ourselves to “help” others.