“Victims are created in two ways: by violence or by deceit. Either type of assault immediately renders the victim hostage to the perpetrator.”
So begins the book Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, MS, MFT. Lovefraud strongly recommends that anyone who has been victimized by a sociopath read this book, whether you have faced your perpetrator in court or not.
The book explains how people who have suffered injury at the hands of some type of predator often face further injury inflicted by lawyers and the courts, who can be, at best, disinterested, and at worst, corrupt. Legal Abuse Syndrome, Huffer says, is a form of post traumatic stress disorder caused by prolonged contact with the so-called “justice” system.
Along the way, however, the author answers many of the questions that those of us victimized by sociopaths have asked:
If I am the victim, why do I feel guilty?
Why can’t I share my devastation with my family and friends?
How can I recover from this assault?
Conscience-centered and power-centered
Huffer does not call the perpetrators of assault, and the complicit people in the legal bureaucracy, sociopaths or psychopaths. Rather, she describes everyone as fitting somewhere on a continuum of motivation between “conscience-centered” and “power-centered.” The extreme power-centered individuals, however, are clearly sociopaths.
Huffer writes:
Trust has usually left the conscience-centered vulnerable. If deception is to work, there have to be those who trust. Convergence of power-centered and conscience-centered people, in their purest forms, will inevitably result in the conscience-centered person being victimized. It is a marriage of deathly complementary value systems upon which the power-centered thrive. They literally tend a garden of trusting relationships while perpetrating hidden agendas.
Those who value truth, honesty, and a moral and ethical code make up the majority of people. These masses are the conscience-centered who collide head-on against a slick minority of individuals, the power-centered. PC’s pull out the “big guns” of moral turpitude for power motives, regardless of damage to others or society.
Of course, everyone on Lovefraud knows exactly what the author is talking about.
Eight steps to recovery
Even more important than describing the experience of the victim—”the kidnapping of the soul”—Karin Huffer offers a path to recovery.
- Debriefing: Writing down, in a particular format, exactly what happened.
- Grieving: A natural and healing reaction to the most profound loss—a loss of trust.
- Obsession: Figuring out what happened occupies a victim’s life.
- Blaming: Guilt, rage, anger and wrong need to be directed at the offender.
- Deshaming: Victims must get rid of inappropriate shame.
- Reframing: Reframe the experience with insights that empower and affirm the self.
- Empowerment: Taking ownership of the ravaged experience.
- Recovery: Emerging from victim as a veteran, with honed wisdom, courage and tools.
Huffer’s point is that it is possible to recover from the destruction inflicted by power-centered individuals, i.e., sociopaths, and grow as an individual. It is a message of hope.
Overcoming devastation
This book’s full title is Overcoming the Devastation of Legal Abuse Syndrome. It provides case studies of people who have been defrauded by criminals, lawyers and judges, often operating in cahoots. Only one case involved a typical Lovefraud story—a deceptive husband trying to cut his wife out of the marital assets. And it does offer advice for people who are in litigation with predators.
But I think the book could be called Overcoming the Devastation of a Sociopath. From cover to cover, it is filled with insight into what we have experienced, and how to come to terms with it. It is invaluable help for anyone who, after gross deception and injustice, trying to recover a sense of self.
Buy the book in the Lovefraud Store.
DEar Midnight, YES! YES! YES! You totally get it!!!!
My problems were not because I didn’t get it so much as I would get it, but NOT DO IT. I always got sucked backk by the Siren Song.
An analogy I thought of long ago was if my sons and I were in a river and they were tots I would let them ride on my back as I swam for shore, I would drown myself trying to save them by letting them ride on my back. BUT when they are able to swim for themselves I cannot/should not do that.
It was like we were as a family in the row boat and P-son was chopping holes in the bottom of the boat, sinking it, and I just kept bailing it out as fast as I could until it sunk, then HE DEMANDED TO RIDE ON MY BACK BECAUSE HE WAS IN THE WATER. When I tried to get him to swim for himself, showed him that I could not support his adult weight on my backk and swim too, the pushed my head under water in revenge.
Yea, I got it long ago, I just didn’t DO it. I just didn’t push him and the ax he was using to chop up my life overboard and let him fend for himself, let the ax drag him to the bottom, but not drag us all to the bottom.
Easier said than done!
This is something they do….they just do it……..
We victims MUst stand up and fight for our rights….even if we go pro se…..
I read this book and I HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT TO ANYONE who has dealt with a psychopath in any way.
It covers ABUSE out of court as well as IN court. It is a MUST HAVE for your reference library.
I am developing a pretty good REFERENCE library for myself on psychopaths and am no longer “loaning” out my books as I can’t be without them, I re-re-read them or parts of them from time to time. If someone wants to borrow one, I will buy them one, but I’m not loaning them any more….besides, I think we all need to develop a “reference” library, as just as if we had DIABETES we would buy every good book on that and keep on reading and referring to them.
THIS BOOK IS A MUST HAVE FOR EVERYONE!
I am a professional with a graduate degree, and have been working in my town for over 12 years. I am a proud member of this community, participate in my children’s activities, give to charity and pay my taxes.
In April of 2008 I made the grave mistake of marrying my second husband, a man whom I believe now to be a psychopath, a pathologic liar and habitual drug and alcohol abuser. The marriage lasted only 16 months (with no children produced from the marriage), and ended the day my husband was arrested in my home by the Sheriff’s Department, with their weapons drawn and against his head on an Obstruction of Justice charge. I realized then that my husband’s behavior would never change, and filed for divorce in August of 2009.
In stark contrast to my first, amicable dissolution, I have been misused and abused repeatedly by the legal system in the course of this current divorce. My own former divorce attorney ignored repeated requests, pleas, and indeed begging to help me settle the case and was paid over $26,000 in legal fees without any resolution of the case. I firmly believe that my first attorney was participating in what is known as “churning”, colluding with my soon-to-be ex-husband’s attorney to wring every last cent out of me. I apparently have the deep pockets in this case.
I paid $10,000 of my husband’s legal fees on the advice of my former divorce attorney (a friend, it turns out, of opposing counsel) without any formal order to do so by the Magistrate. I was then ordered by the County Domestic Magistrate to pay my husband $4,000/ month in spousal support, even though he has an income as a rock star impersonator in a Tribute Band (sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction). To put this amount into perspective, my soon-to-be ex-husband is paid under the table for most of his performances with very few 1099’s issued, and has a court order to pay child support for his 15 year old daughter of only $300/month, an amount arrived at using his under-reported income. So my payment per month of spousal support for a 16 month marriage is more than my husband has to pay per year for child support for his biological child.
At no time has anyone in the legal system compelled my husband to produce a single financial document in the course of this divorce, instead choosing to believe his farce of the penniless, helpless “house-husband” who in reality did nothing in terms of domestic chores, and certainly never paid a single household bill during the 16 month marriage. If anyone followed up on his records (bank statements, performance contracts) I am certain that it would be established that he has ample income to pay his own bills as he apparently did prior to our marriage.
I decided to switch attorneys one month prior to the divorce trial, having lost confidence in my first attorney, who instead of working towards my goal of settlement told me many times how much he looked forward to the “scorched earth” campaign of a heated trial. I was denied a 45 day continuance by the Magistrate, even though I was nowhere close to the one year guideline for case resolution for a Divorce without Children for my county. With everything to lose (and my husband everything to gain), I decided to dismiss my divorce charges in order to allow my new law firm time to become completely familiar with my case prior to trial. I re-filed the divorce charges May of 2010, and now have just learned that I am to pay additional legal fees of $7500 to my husband’s attorney.
This was a 16 month marriage, one that I entered into too quickly, and certainly one that I regret with every fiber of my being. I have already paid my husband over $23,000 in temporary spousal support, and my total attorney fees to his attorney will now total $17,500. I feel betrayed and used by the legal system, and feel dismissed out of hand by a Magistrate who I believe does not take the facts into consideration, and instead just rewards my husband for his lies and omissions with my hard-earned income.
I don’t understand a legal system that takes an honest and hardworking person, who is understandably vulnerable due to the circumstances of divorce, and takes advantage of her faith in, and innocence of the legal system to financially and emotionally abuse and devastate her. Where are the checks and balances of the divorce court? Who monitors the attorneys to ensure that they are working in their clients’ best interests, instead of lining their own greedy pockets? What is my legal recourse? How can this system continue in this manner while failing so miserably the people it purports to serve?
How is this fair and just?
Gathersnomoss,
If it makes you feel better, it is also very f ***ed up in my state. I took my ex to court for unpaid child support and he played the same pity party role-the “I am uneducated and can’t make more than ten dollars an hour” role and he got away with a very small CS payment FOR A 16 YO HIGHSCHOOLER!!
Driving instruction, car payment, auto insurance payment, clothes, activities fees, food (he’s a huge boy), housing on and on and on. The whole time the SOB ex is sitting an a $300,000 inheritance from his mother and the CS agency CAN’T touch it because it is considered an asset and not income. WTF????
I am in the process of researching the will of my late mother-in-law to see if she left some of that money to my son. My ex spath is such a con, I don’t doubt for a minute he would cheat his own kid out of his inheritance.
There is a very hot place in hell for the likes of that SOB…
Dear Gathersnomoss,
The re-abuse (continual) of the victim in court is so twisted. I am sorry that you have had this experience….costing you both money and “emotional blood.”
I suggest that you continue to educate yourself on the psychopaths and also about healing yourself in spite of this trauma, “re-trauma and re-re-trauma!”
This isn’t because you are stupid, it is because they are cunning and crafty and 99% of the lawyers give the other 1% of honest lawyers a bad name. “Churning” my arse, but yea, sounds like it doesn’t it! God bless.
Dear adamsrib and Ox Drover,
Thank you for your kind comments. I have been doing my research on psychopathy. I have attended Sandra Brown’s retreat and plan on getting training as a peer counselor once the divorce is final. I have been invited to be a guest on a radio show that Sandra Brown will be guest hosting later this month, anonymously, of course, about dealing with the psychopath in a high-conflict court case. The letter you read is something I plan to send out to local media……newspapers, TV stations, any magazines and any blogs that will publish it once the divorce is over. I sterilized all the details (county, state, type of tribute band) for the purpose of publishing to this blog, but I plan to do everything in my power to use this experience as a platform to change what is wrong with divorce court in this country. I will be sending this letter to the disciplinary council to my state’s Supreme Court and the State Bar Association, and will send individual complaints about my first, greedy lawyer, opposing counsel, and the magistrate. With half of marriages today ending in divorce I think I will be able to reach many people who relate to my situation and who believe change is not only desirable but necessary.
Dear Gathersonmoss,
I am glad that you intend to be proactive rather than reactive. I hope it will a) make you feel like your painful experience has at least benefited others if not yourself and b) that it WILL benefit both you and others as well.
This must have been (or still is) a harrowing situation to be involved in and to probably feel helpless, but hopefully, your “helplessness” won’t continue and you can use it to accomplish changes! The “good old boy” system in politics and the court house makes me want to grind my teeth as well!
God bless and godspeed in your quest to make changes!!!
Oxy,
How the H are ya girl? 🙂
Had a thought while reading these new posts this morn. Do you agree that many lawyers are spaths and this is why the system is so unbalanced? Maybe spaths are drawn to the legal field?
Sorry if I offend any lawyers here. I know as in any group of folks there are good people. I am wondering about this because the “legal” system seems so lopsided with “white collar crime”.
I am curiuos what you think on this because as you know I respect your opinion and take it very much to heart. You always get me to thinking whether I want to or not (menopause makes me fuzzy)!!! 🙂
AR