“Victims are created in two ways: by violence or by deceit. Either type of assault immediately renders the victim hostage to the perpetrator.”
So begins the book Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, MS, MFT. Lovefraud strongly recommends that anyone who has been victimized by a sociopath read this book, whether you have faced your perpetrator in court or not.
The book explains how people who have suffered injury at the hands of some type of predator often face further injury inflicted by lawyers and the courts, who can be, at best, disinterested, and at worst, corrupt. Legal Abuse Syndrome, Huffer says, is a form of post traumatic stress disorder caused by prolonged contact with the so-called “justice” system.
Along the way, however, the author answers many of the questions that those of us victimized by sociopaths have asked:
If I am the victim, why do I feel guilty?
Why can’t I share my devastation with my family and friends?
How can I recover from this assault?
Conscience-centered and power-centered
Huffer does not call the perpetrators of assault, and the complicit people in the legal bureaucracy, sociopaths or psychopaths. Rather, she describes everyone as fitting somewhere on a continuum of motivation between “conscience-centered” and “power-centered.” The extreme power-centered individuals, however, are clearly sociopaths.
Huffer writes:
Trust has usually left the conscience-centered vulnerable. If deception is to work, there have to be those who trust. Convergence of power-centered and conscience-centered people, in their purest forms, will inevitably result in the conscience-centered person being victimized. It is a marriage of deathly complementary value systems upon which the power-centered thrive. They literally tend a garden of trusting relationships while perpetrating hidden agendas.
Those who value truth, honesty, and a moral and ethical code make up the majority of people. These masses are the conscience-centered who collide head-on against a slick minority of individuals, the power-centered. PC’s pull out the “big guns” of moral turpitude for power motives, regardless of damage to others or society.
Of course, everyone on Lovefraud knows exactly what the author is talking about.
Eight steps to recovery
Even more important than describing the experience of the victim—”the kidnapping of the soul”—Karin Huffer offers a path to recovery.
- Debriefing: Writing down, in a particular format, exactly what happened.
- Grieving: A natural and healing reaction to the most profound loss—a loss of trust.
- Obsession: Figuring out what happened occupies a victim’s life.
- Blaming: Guilt, rage, anger and wrong need to be directed at the offender.
- Deshaming: Victims must get rid of inappropriate shame.
- Reframing: Reframe the experience with insights that empower and affirm the self.
- Empowerment: Taking ownership of the ravaged experience.
- Recovery: Emerging from victim as a veteran, with honed wisdom, courage and tools.
Huffer’s point is that it is possible to recover from the destruction inflicted by power-centered individuals, i.e., sociopaths, and grow as an individual. It is a message of hope.
Overcoming devastation
This book’s full title is Overcoming the Devastation of Legal Abuse Syndrome. It provides case studies of people who have been defrauded by criminals, lawyers and judges, often operating in cahoots. Only one case involved a typical Lovefraud story—a deceptive husband trying to cut his wife out of the marital assets. And it does offer advice for people who are in litigation with predators.
But I think the book could be called Overcoming the Devastation of a Sociopath. From cover to cover, it is filled with insight into what we have experienced, and how to come to terms with it. It is invaluable help for anyone who, after gross deception and injustice, trying to recover a sense of self.
Buy the book in the Lovefraud Store.
Dear Adamsrib,
How am I? Well, let’s see, my left ankle sort of smarts today, that old injury I re-clobbered day before yesterday…..etc. LOL
Actually except for still being fat and old I’m doing well, Blood sugar and Blood pressure still good and staying with my REVISED eating plan (1200 calories) and increasing exercise each day, but STUCK on the scale at one spot! It WILL move, just got to stick with it!
Yes, I think lawyers as a GROUP are HIGH IN PSYCHOPATHS, and I think military and politics as well. With politics, look at how many are lawyers to start with, then go into politics. Corner Offices are rife with psychopaths as well– Enron, Bernie Madoff, etc.
I DO know a couple of honest lawyers, but I think they are the exception not the rule. Also any profession where there is a lot of POWER to be had. Cops is another one. We’ve talked about that here on LF before. Dr. Hare’s book he co-wrote “Snakes in Suits, when Psychopaths go to work” is a great one for everyone who is still working. I’ve seen it in hospitals and other places I’ve worked. Didn’t know what it was most of that time, just knew “hard to get along with” but as I grew to know what a psychopath was, DING!!!! I started to see the connection!
I don’t trust politicians as a group, I think too many of them are just like Bloggo, but with a “bit more class” and “manners” but ultimately underneath the polish of more manners, they are just as EVIL and selfish.
I have a friend now dating a physician psychopath who is married who has MUCH MORE MANNERS than the last married physician psychopath she dated for 4 years who abused her horribly. This current one admits he has cheated in the past on his wife until he gave the wife an STD then he confessed and went to counseling, but somehow, it was ALL THE WIFE’s fault, and THIS time he is sincere with my friend. My lovely sweet friend wants to believe him, and I sit and watch helplessly, but when she asks I tell her, “if he is cheating WITH you, he will cheat ON you.” The only difference between the two men is that one has better manners than the other, but both of them are LYING CHEATS.
My friend is very smart, cultured, very educated, world famous in her field, and above all BEAUTIFUL in body and soul, and it is difficult for her to find a man who equals her status or smarts or ability, so that makes her more vulnerable to a liar who has status, smarts, ability, and education, etc. Like all of us though, she must come to the conclusion that NO ONE ELSE CAN MAKE US HAPPY. That may mean we never have another “relationship” but hey, if all that is available is a high status psychopath, is that such a bad thing? Personally, I am quite content without a psychopath in my life, without a liar or a cheat in my life!
If I change my mind, I can go to the wino shelter and pick me out a wino that will marry me—any day I choose I can have one of those. LOL Hummmmm? I think I’ll pass.
I suffered abuse not only from a sociopathic emotional relationship but one at work as well, mostly from one sociopathic/narcissistic senior manager, but also from the way this well-known Wall Street firm treats “undesirable” employees as well.
I was laid-off immediately upon return from short-term disability. Interestingly, this was one week after meeting my x-spath…
Prior to being illegally terminated, I suffered various retaliations and threats, all while the firm knew I was quite ill, but still functioning well in my position.
I was lucky to seek counsel prior to my termination, as this did give me some sense I had some rights and protection. This was 2 years ago.
However, despite the facts in my case and my evidence, which included legally recorded and quite damning conversations, settlement of my case has not occured.
I have not talked about this much here but I intend to as my case is nearing its end-game, one reason being I am nearing the satuate of limitations for several of the charges.
One thing I learned is that even with a strong case, the legal process is slow moving. In addition, the little guy is very much facing a David vs. Goliath situation.
More to come…
Dancingwarrior, I saw your post on the other thread but couldn’t read it as my browser is air card and won’t open a thread with this many comments. Hope all is well, just wanted to touch base with you and let you know I am thinking of you!!!!
Oxy, I said:
DancingWarrior says:
Legal news:
I got a packet of stuff after the motion to compel. Missing info on prior employers’ retirement accts and what happened to the $ from there, and another recent employer’s pension, also his expense acct.
My fin planner is back next Monday to look this over and then tell me what else to get (17th).
My lawyer said he asked to have a four way before pre-trial. What could I gain by that?
Would you guys tell me what you think on this:
He emailed if i’d mail him his insurance reimbursement check. My insurance won’t make checks out to him since I carry the ins. I kept one of these in lieu of c.s. before. I actually emailled him back to send me June and Oct c.s. and I’d send him his check. He sent Oct c.s., not June. I sent him his check which is bigger than c.s..
Am I stupid for not keeping it? I didn’t want to play tit for tat.
Also I sent my lawyer a list of joint expenses I want him to split around $4500 for daughter’s camp, sports travel, driver’s license/car insurance, and house maintenance bec. trees were rotten about to fall on house. He doesn’t even say boo aout that, and here I am being fair and sending him his check. Is that dumb?
And he sent a NEW fin. affidavit that now lists that he wants half of my tax credit bec. I filed separately as head of household and claimed child and house payments. Is he even entitled to half that?
Gosh, I am hoping that my fin. planner can help me add and subtract and calculate all of this somehow so I just don’t have to haggle and bicker about ANYTHING.
Why do you all think he insists on having a four way meeting before court? Could I go to hear what he has to say, and simply get up and leave if I am not interested? In an ideal world it would be best to negotiatte and reach an agreement. In reality, he’ll think for number one.
Went to D’s game today. I’ve missed ALL her games this season bec. I’m afrraid of seeing him”“emotionally I fall apart. I had to pass by him face to face, and he smiled and nodded walking with two moms, and I didn’t just kept walking. It’s very awkward.
Question on timeline Planner gets papers on 17th, I meet with her on 21st to go over plan”“provided she has all info needed, then court 27th. From 21-27th”“will that be enough time to prepare for court?
I can’t shake the sadness and grief. I am consumed and just can’t break through. Legal papers in the mailbox crushed me”“it’s all about money and it’s over. I hate the whole thing. I become little and want to run back and have my family, my home, my”yes..husband, my security, my identity, life as I knew it. I am TERRIFIED of going into the darkness alone and just so forlorn and lonely.
No one to call up to just hang out and do something. Only therapist once a week”“doesn’t sustain me the other six days. I don’t know how I’ll make it through to the end.
Any support here much appreciated.
Thanks guys.
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Saturday, 9 October 2010 @....... 6:07pm
DancingWarrior says:
P.S. Got court notice for a date re. motion to compel. He already sent most of the stuff. This is for the 18th. Should I still go to court if stuff is missing? Can I use this to also make him pay c.s. directly from his paycheck or is that a different subject? Would it be good to just make him look bad and go to court anyhow?
I’ll have to ask my lawyer, but wondered if any of you knew how to deal with this motion.
Dear Dancingwarrior,
“Am Ii dumb to have sent it back?”
I won’t answer that on the grounds it will INCRIMINATE YOU! LOL Darling, you are TRYING TO PLAY FAIR with the viet Cong, with the Taliban, with Hitler, and so on….DO NOT KEEP ON TRYING TO BE FAIR!!!
Fighting DIRTY is the ONLY way to be “fair” with these creeps!
You know we’re behind you, keep pressing the lawyer, but QUIT trying to be “fair”—no I don’t think he is entitled to any part of your tax return and he doesn’t think he is “entitled” to it either, it is just another UNFAIR ATTEMPT to put you on the defensive.
GO FOR THE THROAT!!!!! TOWANDA!!! And my Prayers!
Shaking head.
Why don’t I have a mean bone in my body?
I get mad for two seconds and show teeth, but then I’m a little pussy cat again. I don’t stay a fierce tiger able and willing to pounce.
It’s the belief that he’s my “family” and my old conditioning NOT to confront or stand up to my family even when they aren’t nice. That’s the achilles’ heel he knows how to use.
DW- how about getting a protective bone?
he’s NOT your FAMILY. family are the people who love and care for us – who act in our best interest; for god’s sake, snap out of it.
one step (shakes head and looks for her own skillet)
DW,
He IS NOT your family. He is your ENEMY and you never let your enemy know what you are going to do. Ever. Just do it.
Oxy,
I gave up on the scale for that reason exactly. I use a BMI read out to gauge my progress. When I plateau I raise my calories (up to 1350) so I am not so hungry and exercise more with a different routine-bleh!! It NEVER ends Bleh, bleh!! Hang in there you are on a good path.
I had an inkling that you would say this about lawyers. I had the thought after I posted my question to you that yes they do go on to become judges and politicians and policy makers so they can convolute to system for their own good.
Just like the STOOPID 🙂 I love that word of yours, law here in my state that says my ex can”t pay the CS he owes out of his assets (hahahaha I know what you are thinking Ox) because that is not considered income. A PSYCHOPATH created that law!!
Wow I really feel for your friend. Sounds like she has a lot going for her and she is on an emotional treadmill. That is sad. What a waste. Ironically, she could probably find happiness with a blue collar type quicker that someone of her own strata. Makes me realize that what could I get?? 🙂 HaHaHa I’ll meet ya at the wino shelter Ox 🙂
Seriously I am concentrating on making myself happy. The hell with these weird spath guys. Since I have embraced the gospel of the Sociopaths in Our Midst, I have had luck helping my girlfriends identify their own spath problems. For a loooong time we were stumped until I came on here.
Thank God!!
Thanks for the insights Oxy, I always can count on your wisdom.
Dear Dancingwarrior,
GROW A MEAN BONE FOR THOSE TRYING TO HURT YOU AND YOUR OFFSPRING!!!
One, here’s my BIG SKILLET, whomp her from the left, I’ll hit her from the right!
DW, I’ve let “family” walk all over me like I was a door mat, and I do know about that feeling of “keeping the peace”—but THIS IS ABOUT SURVIVAL!!!!!!
Now, you go for the throat!!!! GRRRRR!!! Me, and One-step are behind you!!! and when EB shows up she will be too!!!! (((hugs)))))