“Victims are created in two ways: by violence or by deceit. Either type of assault immediately renders the victim hostage to the perpetrator.”
So begins the book Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, MS, MFT. Lovefraud strongly recommends that anyone who has been victimized by a sociopath read this book, whether you have faced your perpetrator in court or not.
The book explains how people who have suffered injury at the hands of some type of predator often face further injury inflicted by lawyers and the courts, who can be, at best, disinterested, and at worst, corrupt. Legal Abuse Syndrome, Huffer says, is a form of post traumatic stress disorder caused by prolonged contact with the so-called “justice” system.
Along the way, however, the author answers many of the questions that those of us victimized by sociopaths have asked:
If I am the victim, why do I feel guilty?
Why can’t I share my devastation with my family and friends?
How can I recover from this assault?
Conscience-centered and power-centered
Huffer does not call the perpetrators of assault, and the complicit people in the legal bureaucracy, sociopaths or psychopaths. Rather, she describes everyone as fitting somewhere on a continuum of motivation between “conscience-centered” and “power-centered.” The extreme power-centered individuals, however, are clearly sociopaths.
Huffer writes:
Trust has usually left the conscience-centered vulnerable. If deception is to work, there have to be those who trust. Convergence of power-centered and conscience-centered people, in their purest forms, will inevitably result in the conscience-centered person being victimized. It is a marriage of deathly complementary value systems upon which the power-centered thrive. They literally tend a garden of trusting relationships while perpetrating hidden agendas.
Those who value truth, honesty, and a moral and ethical code make up the majority of people. These masses are the conscience-centered who collide head-on against a slick minority of individuals, the power-centered. PC’s pull out the “big guns” of moral turpitude for power motives, regardless of damage to others or society.
Of course, everyone on Lovefraud knows exactly what the author is talking about.
Eight steps to recovery
Even more important than describing the experience of the victim—”the kidnapping of the soul”—Karin Huffer offers a path to recovery.
- Debriefing: Writing down, in a particular format, exactly what happened.
- Grieving: A natural and healing reaction to the most profound loss—a loss of trust.
- Obsession: Figuring out what happened occupies a victim’s life.
- Blaming: Guilt, rage, anger and wrong need to be directed at the offender.
- Deshaming: Victims must get rid of inappropriate shame.
- Reframing: Reframe the experience with insights that empower and affirm the self.
- Empowerment: Taking ownership of the ravaged experience.
- Recovery: Emerging from victim as a veteran, with honed wisdom, courage and tools.
Huffer’s point is that it is possible to recover from the destruction inflicted by power-centered individuals, i.e., sociopaths, and grow as an individual. It is a message of hope.
Overcoming devastation
This book’s full title is Overcoming the Devastation of Legal Abuse Syndrome. It provides case studies of people who have been defrauded by criminals, lawyers and judges, often operating in cahoots. Only one case involved a typical Lovefraud story—a deceptive husband trying to cut his wife out of the marital assets. And it does offer advice for people who are in litigation with predators.
But I think the book could be called Overcoming the Devastation of a Sociopath. From cover to cover, it is filled with insight into what we have experienced, and how to come to terms with it. It is invaluable help for anyone who, after gross deception and injustice, trying to recover a sense of self.
Buy the book in the Lovefraud Store.
Got the left wing oxy!
Dear Adamsrib,
I have two sets of stairs inside my barn from the ground floor to the second story, and two sets of “half” steps from my deck to the ground, so I have stairs for both wet/cold weather inside the barn, and for nicer days, so I am using the stairs as exercise equipment.
Went out today and went up and down the deck stairs until I was out of breath, did a bit more than yesterday. Sticking to the FOOD plan and it is coming along, but have hit that plateau where I am not losing weight any more….it takes time for our bodies to adjust just like a thermostat to the weight it wants to keep “steady” so will just have to increase the exercise until it decides to stop hoarding fat and give it up again! Can’t let myself get “weak” and “give in”—I’m gonna be HEALTHY if it KILLS me! LOL
Just have to apply some of my “wisdom” to MYSELF! That’s been the problem all along I think! Taking my own advice is harder than giving it to others! LOL ROTFLMAO
Yea, I dearly love my sweet friend, she is GOOD TO THE BONE, but I can’t save her, only she can save herself from the consequences of believing in a psychopath when she knows they are lying.
But, hey, who am I to throw stones at anyone for “believing the lies”? I’ve done it all my life over and over and over, and it is only by force of will I am not doing it TODAY! There’s not a STOOOPID mistake been made by anyone on LF that I haven’t personally done as bad or worse, so not criticizing anyone else for what they have done! Just that TODAY I am doing better! TODAY I am revising my food intake, my exercise, and my healthy choices in other ways! Just for TODAY! And for TODAY I feel good about myself, so I think I will put off our meeting at the “wino shelter” for ANOTHER TOMORROW! But not today! LOL
Whew!! Did not want to go to the wino shelter (wiping her brow) 🙂
Hey Ox thanks for your kind words on my response to Consantine (he is awesome isn’t he/she?). I am humbled.. that coming from you…salam, salam, (I extend my arms and bow)..you are the post meister….thanks Ox..
I am better today versus yesterday. Menopause is kicking my BOOTAY big time. I have suggested to Donna an article on the vulnerability of menopausal women and the lure of sociopaths. She has sent the idea to Dr. Leedom . Hope she writes it!! I have been emotionally loopy lately, not able to do the research right now. BTW, I LOVED your article on the Snake Oil Guy. I think he’s my oldest son’s dad hahahaha…seriously, Ox every post you write is like a mini-article. You are the WOman!!!
BBE: THANK YOU!!! for saying that meeting your spath has been a blessing in disguise. Had I not got involved with Grandpa Gym 🙂 I would not be en guard today with this menopause emotional stuff. My skillet is primed and ready!!
(((Oxy)) back at ya girl 🙂
Dear Adamsrib,
Darling you make my head SWELL! Thank you so much, I’m glad you appreciate my humor and my “snake oil” article. Yea, that guy just pushed my BUTTONS and I got furious at him! Of course I am laughing now about the peel and sticks on the dog’s face!!!That has got to be the funniest sales pitch I have ever seen!Q Yea, I think it was your kid’s dad, come to think of it, they ALL RESEMBLE each other!
Boy, am I glad to be through with the menopausal thing…back in my day we took the hormones (probably will kill us sooner) and that did help! The first REAL hot flash (power surge!) I had I thought I was DYING on the spot. I think you are right too, that the hormonal changes we have do leave us more vulnerable. I used to have PMS sooooo bad! And went from homicidal to weepy in a twinkle and back again, for about 3-5 days a month I was WORTHLESS. As bad as being preg was, it at least kept me from having a period and those hormonal flip flops which were terrible.
The emotionally loopy can be from the menopause or from PTSD, depression, stress effects or any number of things, but with all of the possibilities, there is no saying you can’t have them ALL, just cuz you have one doesn’t mean you can’t have 2, or 3 or 4! Isn’t that a happy THOUGHT! LOL
Ox,
Not just a load of bull puckey my dear, I sincerely mean it. You help a lot of people from that keyboard of yours. Hope you know it and give yerself a pat on the back from time to time. Which is ok when we “Walk in Beauty, Walk in Balance”…
I hear so many gals on here say they are an emotional mess due to the spath in their lives. Add the hormonal stuff and what a keg of gunpowder. Yikes.
And these guys know EVERY button just like that Snake oil dude. My son’s dad was a carney in his youth and I could not help but make the connection because they ARE all cut from the same bolt of putrid cloth!! (spaths NOT carneys ).
Better say g’nite. I am wrecked!! Sleep tight and don’t let the bedbugs bite and if they do, shoot em!!
My mother used to tell us that when we were kids 🙂
I’m not into skillet behavior modification.
Let him have his insurance reimbursement check. Why do I need to sink in the gutter and play the dishonest game?
I can influence the situation by not participating in the cycle of one-upmanship. I wanted my kid to participate in sports. I wanted her to be able to drive. I paid for it. Fuck him if he won’t be a responsible father.
As for my feelings of sadness. These feelings are true for me and real for me. This is my loss, and this is how I experience it. There ain’t no shortcut, no button to turn them off.
Shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance–everyone goes through grief in their own way…and this is mine.
Thank you, Adamsrib, I don’t doubt your sincerity in the least! And I do give myself a pat on the back from time to time, but at the same time, it takes a COMMUNITY here to stand behind us, and I have GOTTEN wayyyyy MORE from this community than I have given back. Each of us contributes to the WHOLE and the whole is what helps us survive and thrive.
Your mention of the “carneys” reminds me that many of the people who follow a nomadic lifestyle in this country do so because they wear out their welcome in one area and move on to another. The traveling carnival life, or oil well drilling life, long haul trucking, or whatever presents a living with a nomadic life style is a perfect cover for psychopaths because they can do their evil and then move to another area with fresh victims. Of course nomads are not all psychopaths but that kind of life IS a good “cover.”
G-nite!
Dear Dancing Warrior,
I understand exactly how you are feeling right now. I have been there, I am still there in many ways.
You are wondering why you need to “sink in the gutter and play the dishonest game”. There is nothing at all, at all dishonest about protecting yourself and your little one.
Every time you strike back you are sending a message that he cannot hurt you any more. It is form of positive/negative reinforcement. Each action teaches him he cannot scam you. This is the only game he understands and if you don’t do it first, he will.
It is honorable to take the high road when the one we are dealing with is wired right. When they are not, it is not safe for us.
Sometimes we do have to just allow our self to feel the pain, to ride the wave of despair but when it threatens to snuff out our Light, then we must act to hold on with everything we’ve got. Like I said, I have been there. I still am. It ebbs and flows and probably will for the rest of my life.
Next Friday I have an appointment with my Dr. for a Rx for an anti-depressant. Not only will it help my sadness but it will give my boy’s mother back to them.
These candles are lit for you DancingWarrior (((iiiiiii))). I am holding you up to the Great Spirit who sees all and knows all. Blessings to you, dear one.
Dear Dancing,
Darling I was not meaning to say that you should SINK TO HIS LEVEL, but at the same time, don’t be easy prey either! I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings if I did. Of course we all experience our grief in our own ways, but money is money and if you had “his” money and were at the same time owed for CS then I think you should have kept it in lieu of the childsupport.
YOu don’t have to become a predator and attacker, but be a defender of yourself and kiddies! God bless and my prayers for you ****hugs)))))
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