“Victims are created in two ways: by violence or by deceit. Either type of assault immediately renders the victim hostage to the perpetrator.”
So begins the book Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, MS, MFT. Lovefraud strongly recommends that anyone who has been victimized by a sociopath read this book, whether you have faced your perpetrator in court or not.
The book explains how people who have suffered injury at the hands of some type of predator often face further injury inflicted by lawyers and the courts, who can be, at best, disinterested, and at worst, corrupt. Legal Abuse Syndrome, Huffer says, is a form of post traumatic stress disorder caused by prolonged contact with the so-called “justice” system.
Along the way, however, the author answers many of the questions that those of us victimized by sociopaths have asked:
If I am the victim, why do I feel guilty?
Why can’t I share my devastation with my family and friends?
How can I recover from this assault?
Conscience-centered and power-centered
Huffer does not call the perpetrators of assault, and the complicit people in the legal bureaucracy, sociopaths or psychopaths. Rather, she describes everyone as fitting somewhere on a continuum of motivation between “conscience-centered” and “power-centered.” The extreme power-centered individuals, however, are clearly sociopaths.
Huffer writes:
Trust has usually left the conscience-centered vulnerable. If deception is to work, there have to be those who trust. Convergence of power-centered and conscience-centered people, in their purest forms, will inevitably result in the conscience-centered person being victimized. It is a marriage of deathly complementary value systems upon which the power-centered thrive. They literally tend a garden of trusting relationships while perpetrating hidden agendas.
Those who value truth, honesty, and a moral and ethical code make up the majority of people. These masses are the conscience-centered who collide head-on against a slick minority of individuals, the power-centered. PC’s pull out the “big guns” of moral turpitude for power motives, regardless of damage to others or society.
Of course, everyone on Lovefraud knows exactly what the author is talking about.
Eight steps to recovery
Even more important than describing the experience of the victim—”the kidnapping of the soul”—Karin Huffer offers a path to recovery.
- Debriefing: Writing down, in a particular format, exactly what happened.
- Grieving: A natural and healing reaction to the most profound loss—a loss of trust.
- Obsession: Figuring out what happened occupies a victim’s life.
- Blaming: Guilt, rage, anger and wrong need to be directed at the offender.
- Deshaming: Victims must get rid of inappropriate shame.
- Reframing: Reframe the experience with insights that empower and affirm the self.
- Empowerment: Taking ownership of the ravaged experience.
- Recovery: Emerging from victim as a veteran, with honed wisdom, courage and tools.
Huffer’s point is that it is possible to recover from the destruction inflicted by power-centered individuals, i.e., sociopaths, and grow as an individual. It is a message of hope.
Overcoming devastation
This book’s full title is Overcoming the Devastation of Legal Abuse Syndrome. It provides case studies of people who have been defrauded by criminals, lawyers and judges, often operating in cahoots. Only one case involved a typical Lovefraud story—a deceptive husband trying to cut his wife out of the marital assets. And it does offer advice for people who are in litigation with predators.
But I think the book could be called Overcoming the Devastation of a Sociopath. From cover to cover, it is filled with insight into what we have experienced, and how to come to terms with it. It is invaluable help for anyone who, after gross deception and injustice, trying to recover a sense of self.
Buy the book in the Lovefraud Store.
Dancing Warrior,
You are absolutely right. You need to grieve in your own way, on your own timetable. I had a terrible time dealing with the betrayal of my husband, and learning to accept the fact that the man I had married was a mirage, that nothing, NOTHING about him was real. But what you can’t do is just lie there and continue to expose your jugular. It’s hard for women like us to get angry, but you need to protect you and your children. It seems daunting to be on your own again, but consider it a huge leap away from pathology and towards your own mental health and freedom! As one of my partners frequently says….”If if doesn’t kill you it will make you stronger!” I’ve been dealing with this mess for 14 months, and while I still have bad days, the trend is positive, and compared to a year ago I’m a different person. I’m stronger, and certainly smarter. I pay attention to my red flags, and NO ONE will ever take advantage of me again like the scum bag did!!!!
I just had a court date 2 days ago for a status conference/ scheduling conference. The psychopath has been staying out of state, mainly with his new victim, a woman who he met on a millionaire website (where he met me!!), who is a veterinarian. He had the nerve to bring her to the courtroom with him. I left from court to go to work, and when I got home my dog was gone (invisible fence). This dog was his prior to the marriage, but he abandoned her. He has had a total of two half-hour visits with her in the past 14 months, and has given me no financial support for her upkeep, food, vet bills, etc. He is under a restraining order to stay off my property and is not to remove anything from my property. I filed a report with the sheriff, and since I am not allowed to contact him because of the mutual restraining order I had the sheriff call him (to confirm that she had been taken, not run away). He did not answer, so I was able to find the veterinarian’s cell phone (from the months that I was forced to pay his cell phone bill) and the sheriff called her. She admitted to having the dog.
Doesn’t it seem odd that a veterinarian would aid and abet in dog-napping?
If he had gone through the court and the court found in his favor, even though I believe he does not have the right to this dog anymore because of his abandonment, I would accept losing this animal that I truly love.
But he broke the law, stole her from my home, and didn’t give me or my 11 year old son a chance to say goodbye.
I think I will be contacting the Veterinarian Medical Board in the state in which the vet resides to inform them of her part in the theft and criminal trespassing. Any other suggestions? Perhaps making a complaint to the local newspaper in her town, or the Better Business Bureau????
Any suggestions are welcome.
But I digress.
Hang in there, Dancing Warrior. You are not alone. You will get through this. You will be whole and strong again.
Dear Gathersnomoss,
What a wonderful post of support for our DW. Thank you.
As for the Vet helping him to steal your dog, go for the throat!!!! That was totally illegal and more than anything IMMORAL. It wasn’t that he really wanted the dog (or he would not have abandoned her) it was he wanted the VET TO THINK he did. So deprive you and your child a chance to say goodbye, and then STEAL the dog—great way to accomplish two things, hurt you and impress the vet.
I think since she admitted to STEALING the dog, I would file CRIMINAL CHARGES OF THEFT (a felony). And since HE got someone ELSE steal the dog and to go on your property, HE IS ALSO GUILTY OF VIOLATING THE RESTRAINING ORDER (by proxy) AND RECEIVING STOLEN PROPERTY (a felony). Don’t wait too long to file charges or the law will ignore them.
That ought to make the divorce judge take notice. Good luck. (((hugs)))
CAmom,
What wonderful advice!! Going to Starbucks. Thank God for Starbucks!! 🙂
What a horrible experience with the ex shooting himself and all. Sounds like you have been through HELL my dear.
Thank you for your wise words CAmom!!! Reading your post comforted me in my own melancholy.
Adamsrib
Thank you all for your caring posts. It is moving to hear your stories of courage and endurance.
Adamsrib,
Good luck with the help you get from the Dr. and the Rx. Your boys do need their mommy. Thanks for the candles, that is so sweet of you.
Oxy,
I have been defending myseld, girl! You shoulda seen me in the garage with a screwdriver, on a ladder, changing the remote control combination and changing the locks so he can’t get back in. I call that putting up the gates and defending MY and my kid’s turf. Inside I am a big mushy softie and I melt in a puddle at the smallest “boo”. But…I have held my ground in demanding fin. documentation, and hired professional help if I’m unsure how to interpret it–not to take advantage of HIM, but to make sure he doesn’t take advantage of me and the kid. As for the missing c.s.–it’s only one month at this point, and he’ll have to pay it, despite his shenanigans and creative accounting to explain how he’s already paide me more than “statutory child support” he loves that word.
CAMom,
Big (((hugs))) to you for the scary things you’ve lived through. I am so glad you are okay and I can’t imagine how terrifying. Thanks for your support–I like the idea of just getting out there in the world, even Starbucks. I am going back to school now, and as hard as it is with work, and lonely as it evokes memories of the honeymoon past when I was a hopeful young bride in a new country, disoriented, alone, and he was my shining armor protector…it’s lonely to walk the campus and be a different woman. But being in a community of classmates may help forge new friendships maybe.
Gathersnomoss,
I am sorry that he took your dog. Good luck with whatever recourse you can have with the vet. And thanks for your support.
DW
DW, good girl!!! Protect your turf!!!! You do have the RIGHT to protect yourself! (((hugs)))))
DW:
🙂 🙂 🙂
you made my day…
Warrior:
If somehting YOU allow doesn’t make you comfortable…..change it.
It’s not about making pattycake in the gutter.
If you are dealing with unreasonable…..you can’t be reasonable.
Decide on what you want the ‘outcome’ to be…..and find your adamant to make that happen!
Your in it till the duration!
There is no sense losing 20lbs, just to gain it right back again.
Change your ‘habits’…..for life.
Dancing Warrior,
I understand that you don’t want to change the ‘core’ of you to fight the spath, and you don’t have to. Just stick up for yourself and your child, know that you have to protect yourself from spath with all your courage and strength. He will take and take without remorse. Don’t change the beautiful parts of Dancing Warrior that make her special and unique, that’s not what this is about.
Care enough about you to know that this man, who you thought would protect you forever after, will NEVER protect you. He is out for himself alone. He was a fairy tale, albeit an evil fairy tale.
You can stay true to your belief system and still fight the spath!
I am also going back to school, hope to have my degree in Human Resources in two years. I love the ethics of it and want to protect employees who have been victimized by spaths. Although I won’t be putting that on my work applications!
Stay strong, we have your back!
Gathernomoss:
I hope you filed a report! If ‘she’ is going to do his dirty work….she must be prepared to get muddy.
You can put a STOP to this through her…..teach him you can’t be messed with, on any level and will report ALL violations.
My spath periodically sends dupes to stalk us…..I report ALL of them and they quickly run. When he ‘sends’ them they don’t realize ‘who’ I have become….they think i’m easy….I”M NOT!
It not only runs them off…..it creates a message to him throguh the police.
I WILL FOLLOW THROUGH.
Go getem girl! Get rover back home where he belongs.
Dear ErinBrock,
I have filed a complaint with the local Sheriff’s office, and hope to get him prosecuted for violation of the civil protection order, and her for theft. I posted a plea on the local craigslist where she has her vet practice, gave her name (apparently a no-no) in hopes to raise some public outcry. Have already received a threatening e-mail from her, claiming that I am “unprofessional”. I’m just trying to get my dog, a valued member of my family back. My attorney is filing a motion for contempt, and I will be filing a complaint with the state board/ veterinarian association about her theft, as well as notifiying the local law department in her town. I don’t know what else to do. I don’t think I’ll ever get the dog back (and she was the best dog I’ve ever known), but I’m not just going to lay down and let them abuse me over and over. I’ve just started a battle with her, I know, but I’m in the right with the law on my side.