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By | November 23, 2009 47 Comments

BOOK REVIEW: Perfect Prey

Lovefraud first heard from Liz Cole, author of Perfect Prey—Surviving a Cyber Shark’s Romantic Fraud, back in 2007, shortly after she realized that the guy she met on the Internet was a sociopath.

The guy called himself John Hill, although that wasn’t his real name. Liz wrote:

In my case, John presented himself as:
an Irish born gentleman,
well groomed,
graduate degreed,
retired from the Royal Marines where he performed his tour of duty in the Falkland Islands,
a dutiful and tireless single parent to one daughter, aged 25 completing Medical School in Dublin,
an accomplished chef and restaurateur,
an accomplished sailor,
multi-lingual,
affectionate,
old-school about etiquette,
strong work ethic and,
a family background rich in details complete with family tartan (Montgomery Clan), brogues, Prince Albert jacket etc.

Hill’s presentation, Liz learned, was highly exaggerated. In fact, as often happens with sociopaths, it was a mountain of lies.

Liz, however, was vulnerable. Her husband had recently decided that he wanted a new life, abandoning her and their two daughters. So when Hill rolled into her life, promising love and riches, well, Liz listened.

It was a typical sociopathic whirlwind romance. But things never quite added up, and Hill never quite came through with his promises. Then, while Liz and her whole family waited for him to show up for Easter dinner, he disappeared.

Liz went on the warpath to find out who he really was and what he was doing. It turned out that John Hill had a long history of fraud. Liz got the police to go after him. Better yet, she busted him with a sting on Canadian television.

In Perfect Prey, Liz tells her story. Much of the book is written as a real time journal as the events unfolded, complete with sassy commentary. The book offers a good look at how one of life’s blows can make us susceptible to another, how sociopaths pull off the larger-than-life act, and how it is sometimes possible for victims to turn the tables.

Perfect Prey—Surviving a Cyber Shark’s Romantic Fraud, is available from the Chapters, Canada’s online bookstore.


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Ox Drover

Wile it does give me some satisfaction when one of these creeps is turned out into the clear light of day and the victim is able to expose their fraud to the nation/world, I think, unfortunately, that the reason such an event as a victim really getting justice is newsworthy too much because of its RARITY.

I applaud this woman if for nothing else, than for having the strength left to go after this man. After being dumped by her husband and then having the rug jerked out from under her by the “new and perfect lover”—this woman’s reaction speaks volumes to what strength the human soul and spirt has the capacity for. Sounds like a good read. Thanks Donna.

Maryjane

Yes.. I would like to read this book… and they disappear when they realize that they are going to be exposed or revealed..

Maryjane

They back away when confronted with friends and family…
Mine was living with me, at least, on the weekends.. because he traveled during the week.. I had gone home for a visit and I told him that my father asked where he lived.. and that I didn’t tell him that he lived with and it was embarrassing for me.. and I had taken down photos of us and moved others around. And, of course, with his keen observing for his benefit, he noticed.. then the next weekend when he was on his way in..I was praying that something would happen that would stop him… and when he came in, he told me that he was movign out and leaving for Fla on Sunday.. he did the shock deal to me and it did shock me.. so much that I didn’t I flipped into not wanting him to go.. and the way that he did it caused us to stay together another few months which is I am sure what how he planned it..
I recall him saying that all the other women in his life wanted him back once he left and he was done with them and he chuckled…. he plays it that way.. he is a real manipulator.. and when he left he told me that there wasn’t anyone else and I asked why would you say that.. his reply, ” I know how you think.” Pretty obvious… huh?

Umm… pretty telling, huh…h

banana

Yes, as 2 Peter 2 says,
they prey on those who are vulnerable.
Mine found me on Myspace after a recent breakup.
I don’t believe I stated that I was broken-up, but I had some song lyrics in my blog.

He went after OW during her Divorce proceedings.

banana

I just had an Epiphany!

I know that not all of us here are religious, but many of us are.
Yesterday I wondered whether many of you found “God” after the sociopath.
I was a Christian before I met mine.

It just occured to me, and I would like to here your input and opinions; that our religious nature, our compassion and open-minded aceptance of people who were “less than” or otherwise needy, made us a superb target.

I am not going to stop having compassion on all, and trying to see the good in everyone, but I WILL be careful.
I will not be afraid to meet people because it’s not meeting the S/P that hurts you, it’s meeting them and not investigating first, before becoming emotionally entangled that hurts us (caught in the web).

Actually, I believe I recently befriended a male who has helped me through some of my dealings with my S/P, and once I started seeing similarities I cut him off. COMPLETELY.
No looking back.

It feels great to see how much I have grown. A year ago, I would have been upset that I hurt HIS feelings.

I am now my priority : )
Towanda to you all!

Ox Drover

Oh, yes, the “i’m gonna leave” ploy, that is Psychopath’s Play Book,” page 74, paragraph 4:

Keep them off balance

SUDDENLY Pretend you are going to leave, so that they will immediately move into the “please don’t leave me mode” which gives YOU ultimate control over them.

This ploy can be used at random, just to keep them off balance, and also oworks well when you have been caught in a lie (through no fault of your own of course) It can also be used with the Pity Ploy and tears routine as well.

If caught in a lie, get tears in your eyes and say, “Oh, I guess I just as well leave, yuou will never trust me again, and I know I have ruined it for us.”

At that point the victim will “forgive” you and say “Oh, No, please stay, we can work it out.”

The last sentence signifies thatyou have won that round and that they can never be allowed to mention that lie again. (even if you repeatedly get caught again) After all, you “said you were sorry.”

Ox Drover

Dear Banana,

TOWANDA For you GF!!!!

The Ps can “be so nice” and “supportive” but there is ALWAYS a hook. It is normal to bond with people who help and support and validate us, but at the same time, we need to be cautious and careful with “bonding” with anyone unless we have observed them for quite some time.

Believe me there are GOOD FAKES out there who pretend at least on the surface to be “kind and considerate” and “wonderful” people. at least on the surface, but beind cautious about emotional connections and not falling for the “instant” love and bonding taht the Ps hold out for many many times, and hook us before we catch on.

The “instant bonding” itself can be a HUGE RED FLAG, as normal people do not behave this way very often.

It is like the con man holding out the gold plated lead bar and saying “Lookk here, you can be rich” and we see what appears like gold, but if we fall for it, we are being taken.

There is a bit of “greed” in anyone who falls for a con like that—and I admit I was “greedy” and “needy” for another wonderful relationshp with a loving man after my husband died. so though th eP BF was holding out a gilded bar of lead, I WANTED it to be “gold” so badly I didn’t stratch the surface very deeply.

In the future, I won’t get quite so greedy and needy if someone appears to hold out a gold bar. Next time it will go to the assay office for a full check of its content! LOL Well before I invest in it!

Twice Betrayed

* funny you should said that, Oxy. After I left my x this guy friend of mine that is so kind to me gave me a VERY large diamond ring….and after all I’ve been thru the very first thing I did was take it to my jeweler to see if it was real….ahahahaaaaa!
BTW [it is] 😉

Ox Drover

Dear Twice,

Once burned, twice shy! If a cat jumps onto a hot stove, it will never get on any stove again, we should be so smart!

The only men who ever gave me diamons were my husbands, I was odd, in that I would nver take any gifts of “value” from anyone I wasn’t engaged or married to. I guess just my Emily Post “raisin’ ” funny thing, though, my egg donor tried so hard to BUY me with “gifts”—and my P-X-BF did the same, but in the meantime I had learned that when you accept costly “gifts” from people, it leaves you ‘beholden” to them and I’m too independent for that.

That is also an OLD Scots-Irish tradition to not accept FAVORS of any kind from someone not a TRUSTED friend, or family member—you can DO favors for others, but ACCEPT no favors so you don’t end up in “someone’s debt”—-

With the Scots irish, you can tell when they start to think of you as a trusted friend, they will ask a favor of you. With other groups when they start to ask favors, it is because they are out to con you! LOL So, cultural awareness (your own as well as others) is important. I was grown before I realized about the “being beholden” or in “someone’s debt” for favors. Interesting concept, but was also why i would GIVE to others but never expect for myself. (take) Now I am much more careful who I give to, and continue to be careful who I ACCEPT things from as well.

to innocent to know

I have found that a lot of the men on the different dating web sites, tend to be sociopaths. After writing and just saying hi, they proclaim their undying love for you. I find that if they call me honey, babe, dear or anything similar, in the first couple of e-mails, run for the hills. My ex found a women he went to HS with on facebook. We were not even broken up yet and he was hitting on her. They had not talked to each other in 40 yrs, and 3 weeks after we broke up, mostly because of her, mostly because of my gut feeling, they are engaged. She had a thing for him in HS, and he jumped on the band wagon. The sad thing is, her last husband killed himself right in front of her with drugs and alcohol, my ex is addicted to prescription drugs. It’s sad that he pulled out a BIG bottle of Serequel, 200mg each and proceed to tell me how he was saving them to kill himself. What kind of thing is that to tell someone you profess to love? And we were planning on marriage?

Ox Drover

Dear Too innocent,

It is “ULTIMATE black mail”—do what I want you to or I will kill myself and then you will feel bad. DUH!

How stupid is that!

Well, she got herself another “winner”—and that happens sometimes with people who don’t learn from an encounter with a psychopath, we get to REPEAT the lesson, over and over until we DO get it.

I got to “go” to “remedial classes” in dealing with psychopaths until I finally got it and said NO MORE!

I agree with you about dating sites being fishing holes for psycholpaths to catch vulnerable people—both male and female Ps are there enmasse I think. I’m NOT fishing in that pool!

to innocent to know

Oxy,
I too am Scot-Irish!!!!! We love deeply, give strongly, have heart, keep strong and are loyal to the end!!!

to innocent to know

Oxy,
me either, had enough of the lies to last a lifetime. I agree, she has no idea of what she’s in for. I’ve had the preview and no thank you, do not want to watch the show again!

Ox Drover

Dear Too innocent,

When a Scots-Irish person is good they are like the Little girl with the curl, theya re “very very good, but when they are bad they are HORID.”

There seems to be a high rate of alcoholism in the group, with many heavy drinkers, and a history of violence in the various groups. Also a history of sacrifice, hard work, and loyalty to God, family and what they thought was right!

Unfortunately, my ancestors for the most part on that side of my family tree were some pretty bad guys! All the way back to the late 1790s and early 1800s, wife beating hard drinking but “successful” men.

If you’re intersted in history of the Scots Irish and others, you might read “Albion’s Seed” it’s a great social history of the customs and the people.

I’m just glad that the violence and the mayhem stops here, now. I’m tired of the “old family traditions.”

to innocent to know

I know what your talking about. My grandfather was a major alcohol and did all kinds of unspeakable things to hi kids. My uncle left the family and my dad joined the army to get away from him. My dad lied about his age to do that.

to innocent to know

gotta stop typing in the dark, lol

to innocent to know

I looked up to my dad, he was a very good man, but I don’t know if what I thought or what was is the real thing. I was sexually abused by one of my step fathers at the age of 10. I would not say anything because I was afraid my dad would kill him.

to innocent to know

My dad was the most loving and caring man, he would give you the shirt off his back. But he also was a boxer in the war, and they made him quit because he became “steely eyed”. He tried to raise me with good values, and I think he did that. My mom would go from man to man, to survive. Maybe that is why I always seemed to choose the wrong gut, granted only 2 in my whole life, but how many do you need. I am always a very giving loving person, they saw me coming.

to innocent to know

I know whoever my ex BF moves on to, is a good person, or he wouldn’t be interested. He targets them, I’m sure. I’m just glad I found this site, it has helped me so much!

to innocent to know

I’ll look up the book

to innocent to know

I have had a hard time getting over him. He is putting himself off as being religious and has found a whole new supply. I know it’s wrong to want him to fail, maybe I need it somehow to prove my point and make me feel better about myself, I don’t know. He has never stayed in a relationship. He had 2 marriages for 14 yrs each and other than that I was his longest relationship. Others in between. His 2nd wife tried to have him committed. I feel really bad for the new OW because of his history, he will eventually do the same to her. I wrote her and asked her to look up sociopath. She must not have, or she believed his lies.

to innocent to know

He controlled the shows we watched, the food we ate, the love we made, or was it love? Complaining all the time, about my daughter, his non exsistant job anything.

to innocent to know

His mom was adopted and I wonder if this plays into the fact. I’m sure he had RAD as a kid, as they have described it. Now he has Adult Attachment disorder. All but his brother, let him just do what he does without making him accountable, even keeping all the ex’s in the family, does anyone else find this weird or is it just me?

to innocent to know

And the pity play, boy was he good at it!!!!!!! I got so sick of his eyes rolling to show his pain!!!!!

to innocent to know

He even told everyone he was retired, not having a penny to his name, what is that?

one/joy_step_at_a_time

@banana
awesome!

@oxdrover : ‘I applaud this woman if for nothing else, than for having the strength left to go after this man. …—this woman’s reaction speaks volumes to what strength the human soul and spirt has the capacity for. ‘

thank you for this response. i am having a hard time justifying my desire to go after my defrauder – to myself and others. I have been in hell and i feel like i have to keep walking to walk through it. I have a fierce quality about me and I understand a lot of what drives me in this case – enormous hurt and a sense of justice. I know part of it is a desire to protect others…but at base it is a wild hurt and a warrior spirit that i thought i laid down 20 years ago. It’s just the first thing i have had to deeply fight back against in decades.

What concerns me is having my life consumed by this thing. My circumstances are NOT good. And I can’t afford to take time away from work to deal with this. I also don’t want to end up myopic. I need to sort his through. Think AND go on my intuition about what is important in my life – to my sense of self.

A couple of folks i know (one person taken in by the same person, but not to the same extent, at all) have tried to call me on my desire for vengence by bringing my religion up. I say there is nothing in my religion that says i need to lay down and take shit.

Much to think about.

This book sounds like a must read! We’re constantly barraged with emails from victims who really think THEY are the only ones! It’s hard to get it through people’s heads with all the advertising online dating sites do, that predators just park themselves online. (Donna has written about this)

Thanks for the review!

Ox Drover

Dear Lostandfearful,

I can understand your desire for JUSTICE—Vengence belongs to God, I believe.

For example, if you see someone run from your house, carrying your possessions, you KNOW who robbed you and you call the law, that is JUSTICE.

But, let’s say you “know” who robbed you but you can’t prove it, but you have no doubt that they are the guilty party…and so you go and burn down their house, that is VENGENCE.

Sometimes the “robber” will THINK that you turning him into the cops is just “revenge” but it is NOT revenge, but justice.

sometimes we are so angry at someone that we would LIKE to go beat them up, but we refrain from doing that because we know it is VENGENCE not justice.

Sometimes we deserve justice, but we don’t get it. So in that case, I think we have to GET THE BITTERNESS for this out of our hearts, and accept that we will not get justice in THIS world, in the way WE WOULD LIKE IT. Maybe the thief gets away with the theft, but I TRUST That “karma” or God, or whatever term you want to call it, will give JUSTICE in the end. We may NOT SEE it or know about it, but I BELIEVE IT, I TRUST it and I can accept it. Actions, good or bad, have CONSEQUENCES and people who “appear” to “get away with” bad actions DO NOT in the “greater scheme of things” get “away with” their actions.

Maybe Nichole Simpson didn’t get “justice” in OJ’s first trial for her murder, but OJ ended up going to prison. SHE GOT HER JUSTICE even if he was not incarcerated for killing her. He was exposed as the psychopath I think he is. He was exposed as the abusive criminal he is. He got what he deserved.

Jesus said “be angry and sin not”—being justifiably angry at injustice, insult or injury in itself I idon’t think is wrong. It is a natural and action provoking reaction. Being “wrathful” fior a lifetime and being bitter forever over “not gettin justice” doesn’t hurt the bad guy, it hurts US.

I had to work hard on getting rid of the feelings of bitterness, the feelings of wanting vengence, to be vindicated….it was eating ME up. Not them. There are times to fight and times to just “let it go” and move on. Where and when are those times and those lines? Each of us must answer that question for ourselves.

Sometimes we can expend all the strength that we have trying vainly to get “justice” and lose what we have left in that effort that is futile. Other times, we may succeed.

Remaining bitter though, hurts us. So each of us must make that decision for ourselves based on our situation and circumstances. Sometimes there is no way that “justice” can be found in this incarnation, this time, and there is just a walking away with your head held high and some dignity left within yourself.

Sometimes it is better to be a live dog than a dead lion.

Sometimes it is better to retreat and heal and live to fight again another day. Taking care of myself has become my priority, I will let God deal with the justice, and with the vengence. I have learned that I don’t have to have external validation for vindication, but I can VALIDATE MYSELF, my own worth, the fact that I did what was right…even if no one else believes me, I can believe myself.

BTW Fighter, glad to see you posting!

runningaway

This woman’s story is my dream come true. I want to take out a full page ad in the New York Times! I want to shout from the rooftops and my mother is a sociopath and for everyone to stay away!

My brother and I were laughing about how much we want her tarred, feathered and ridden out of town on a rail. But it will never happen for us. At least someone else got a sense of satisfaction.

My lovely sociopathic mother is coming to my house for Thanksgiving. She’s flying in tomorrow. I didn’t think she’d say yes! I am so stupid. And my sister, who I’m now angry at, told her that I know about the con job she’s running on her “best friend”. I fear a bumpy weekend.

Gotta go hide all the silver….

Ox Drover

Dear Runningaway,

I am actually LOOKING FORWARD TO THANKSGIVING because it will be PSYCHOPATH FREE!!! My “lovely egg donor” will be a guest at her maid’s house because she has no family that wants her, not me, not her grandson, and of course the one in prison will be eating turkey balogna at the prison for his “holiday repast” and my other two sons and I will be sharing a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday meal with FRIENDS who like us and treat us with respect.

We do NOT have to play the “lets all pretend we are a nice normal family” game ROTFLMAO and there will be lots of laughter, fun and JOY AND PEACE there!

I hope you don’t choke on your “good cheer” at your table with your female sibling and your toxic egg donor! I’m just done with the pretense and the stress—I’d rather eat a turkey bologna sandwich at a shelter than have a big fake holiday meal with all the trimmings. I never really thought I would reach this point, but for me it was the ONLY WAY TO SURVIVE. It was like lancing a boil on my arse—once the initial pain of the incision was over, the wound healed up really nicely and I don’t have the big pain in the butt any more! HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

paleluna

My N and I got into a fight one night and I went out for a couple of hours to get away from him. When I got home, he beat me up. He went to bed after he got through attacking me. I was so frustrated and angry I punched both my hands out, unknowingly into a glass door, resulting in a huge gash on my forearm. At that time, our neighbor, who was fed up with the noises of domestic violence, banged on our apartment door and screamed that she was calling the police. My N calmly yelled back to her to call an ambulance as well. I had blood gushing from my wound that later received 58 stitches. He just stared down at me so calmly as I was hysterically crying and begging him to help me. It took about 15 minutes for the paramedics to get there. The only effort he made to help me was to hand me a towel and that was right before they got there. I will never forget the way he looked at me. I could have been bleeding to death – there was so much blood – and he just calmly stared at me and didn’t help me! I am so glad I didn’t die that way.

Ox Drover

Dear Pale Luna,

When we allow them to push the “crazy” button on the front of our shirts with the electric prod they all seem to have, we do do “crazy” things in our pain. But it doesn’t mean you ARE crazy. Take back your power for him to push you to the point of no return. TAKE YOUR power back. If you are not away from this jerk, get away, abnd stay away. Glad you are here! Stay around and read and learn and take back your power from him!!!! (((hugs)))) and God bless.

geminigirl

Ive heard the saying, getting bitter and vengeful at someone who wronged you, is a bit like drinking lethal poison yourself and expecting the guilty party to die! We may be consumed with anger, wrath, hatred. eaten up with bitterness, and they{the spaths}, are probably watching a movie or something, blissfully unaware we even exist!
I agree with Oxy, anger is OK and necessary, it seems to me to be the ‘rocket fuel” that gets us moving, and out of the spaths life.Even Jesus talked of righteous anger, and He was angry when He drove the money changers out of the Temple. But, as Oxy,says, vengeance belongs to God. There are times we think, “When oh God, when?” when the Bad person seems to get away with everything, including murder sometimes. But they dont. Sooner or later,their evil past will catch up with them. if we are eaten up with bitterness, THEY, the spaths, have won! It takes time but we must work at getting this bitterness out of our hearts, souls, and bodies, or it can quite liteally, kill us.NC is the only way to go, Im convinced of it now. I have bad days, and then I remember, I used to have bad years!! Love, and {{HUGS!!}} Gem.XX

ErinBrock

GEM;
What you wrote is beautiful!!!!!!
You have such a great soul and a beautiful heart!
And to end your comment with……
“Im convinced of it now. I have bad days, and then I remember, I used to have bad years!!

Look at you!!!!! YOU GO GIRL!!!!!

I’m so glad your here.
XXOO
EB

geminigirl

THANK you so much, darling EB!!
I keep all of your writings to me, and Oxys and others, in a special folder, and if I have a bad day I take them out and read them! We may not be where we want to be but when we look back on the miserable lives we had with these half people /half aliens, LOOK AT HOW FAR WEVE COME!! Give me five, EB, Oxy, and all of you! Wouldnt it be the greatest thing if one day we could all meet up in person? With all our love, and experience, between us all, WE CAN CHANGE THE WORLD one person at a time!Thanks again! and {{HUGS!!}}} love, Gem.XXX EB , Im glad your here too!!

becoming

I didn’t know where to post this but this seemed as good a place as any under geminigirl’s message of hope and positivity.

This might not seem much to anyone else but to me it’s an important day. My therapist has concentrated on the child abuse and the past as she said that what had happened with the S is only a symbol for my childhood ..but today I made her listen to all the facts, all he did and said and how I feel, so that she didn’t just think that his being a bit of a pig was why I was left feeling this way and she said, “B, he sounds like a PSYCHOPATH! You were groomed. He’s a sexual predator and he has no idea how to love. He’s emotionally raped you and he has no conscience. I’ve met them before and he is one of their kind.”

Hooray! Hooray! Not that’s he is a psychopath but that someone else said so! We’ve hardly talked about what he did.. only my grief.. so this is such validation for me.

I’m still exhausted and sad but a corner has been turned. Somebody who knows what he did now knows what he is.

Ox Drover

Dear Becoming,

I’m so glad that your therapist gets it!!!! So many don’t unfortunately, but now you are on your way! You have been validated, and that means so omuch. Many of us are only able to validate ourselves, but even that abillity to get validation that way, as difficult as it is, is IMPORTANT. LF itself gives us validation as well, and I think that is wha tmakes it so importnt a tool in our bag of healing items.

You go girl! TOWANDA!!! for you and for your therapist! (((hugs))) and God bless you both!

Matt

becoming:

I grew up in an extremely abusive home (physical and emotional). I remember telling S one day that he should send my parents a thank you note for grooming me so that S could finish me off.

Two books which helped me immensely in trying to figure out how this all happened were “If You Had Controlling Parents”. Dan Neuharth explains the various kinds of control which parents exert over their children and how that robs you of your ability to assert boundaries and end up with an abnegated sense of self. Then read “The Betrayal Bond” by Patrick Carnes. It explains how the S gains control of us by trauma bonding. The trauma bonding often beings in our childhoods at the hands of abusive parents. That’s why I recommend reading both these books.

becoming

Oxy, I shall treasure my first TOWANDA!! Thank you so much, oh wielder of the skillet of love! ; ) God bless you too.

Yes, it’s so true that even if we only have our own gut feeling and research to tell us that they’re psychopaths, that *must be* enough for us to start to heal, but it sure is great for someone else who knows them first hand to tell me that she thinks so too. : )

Matt, thanks so much for the book recommendations. I have just finished ‘The Betrayal Bond’ and it has been more useful to me than any other book I’ve read so far. A ‘must-have’ for anybody who has to visit here, I agree. I will get the Dan Neuharth book too. I am finding John Bradshaw’s ‘Healing The Shame that Binds You’ useful for learning to stop believing all the bad I was told about myself as a child and which has stayed with me. It’s another good one.

Abnegated sense of self, that’s the truth. Told my therapist at the start that I had no idea who I was. Never had the courage or confidence to find out. Just did whatever seemed safest at the time. I’ve only recently realised how traumatised I have been all my life.

Your comment to S was right on.

Ox Drover

Dear Becoming, I think you are well along on the healing road, and that is wonderful for you. those “ah ha” moments when we see something we have been looking at for a long time and couldn’t really identify just what it was are wonderful stepping stones for us to LEAP along the healing road, singing joyfully that we have discovered the “secrets” to healing.

So many times I have thought I had discovered thhose secrets, and then, let myself get “cocky” and think I AM THERE, when in actuallity I was just beginnig, and I let another P lure me off the road to healing with another “siren song”—this time I am TYING myself to the road so that nothing no matter how beautiful and tempting can lure me off the road to healing, back into that dismal swamp of thinking that someone else can give me “happiness”—-that something external can “make me happy”—I’ve been for way too long like Charlile Brown kicking at the football held by a SERIES of Lucys, all promising NOT to move the ball! Now I know that only I can hold the football for myself.

You deserve a TOWANDA GF! (((hugs))))

slimone

Becoming,

Congratulations on the validation you received from your therapist. Mine looked at the s’s websites and told me the same thing at our next session. It is a wonderful and glorious moment, when we get this kind of validation.

I too, like so many here, had a very abusive background. Sexual/emotional/physical abuse. Like Matt, I was well-groomed for future abusers.

When I was given the language and concepts around abusers and predators it was a leap of consciousness for me. I could finally identify people from my family and my present.

But most helpful of all is the information has enabled me to identify just what the impact on my life/person has been. I can, in some way, depersonalize my problems, look at them as having a cause, and being an ‘effect’, and not some horrible deficit of my personhood. I guess I can now ‘own’ them, instead of being ashamed and blind to my own healing needs. Just the awareness alone has brought about changes that required very little ‘work’.

Another good read is ‘Will I Ever Be Good Enough?’, about daughters of narcissistic mothers. I found it super helpful.

Journey on!

becoming

Hey Slimone, thanks. : ) Your T only had to look at the S’s websites? Wow. If mine looked at his websites she’d definitely call him a Narcissist. Puke-making.

Slimone, you bring up an important point for me that I’m struggling with. I’m trying to depersonalize and not feel defective, but I know that the S/P had other women he took way more seriously than me. I know he saw me as easier to abuse because I was more worthless to him, because of age and unattractiveness, which turns my stomach. He confirmed to me how disgusting I really was and that’s taking the longest time to shift. Still making him the measure of my worthiness and coming up short. Ugh. Rationally, I know we can’t be attractive to everyone but he let me know I was nowhere near his benchmark. I’m carrying that and it’s heavy.

Thanks a lot for the book recommendation. My mom was the doormat and Dad the S/N, but I guess it would still help.

Thanks Slimone and I’m glad to hear you’re making progress. I’ve read a lot of your posts and can relate to a lot you’ve said.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

dear becoming,

look at how you might heal this feeling of unworthiness and unattractiveness. think of it as not being in relationship to him. him as not the injurer, just see how you might be able to interact with the injury in some meaningful way. to touch it. to witness it.

‘He confirmed to me how disgusting I really was’
THEY WILL USE WHATEVER THEY CAN – IT IS NOT PERSONAL.
they are quick studies, so they figure out where they can hurt us most, and then they do it.

He is a spath – him taking you less seriously IS A BLESSING.

thank you for your post. it is helpful to me, too.

best,
one step

geminigirl

Dear becoming, -They “mirror” their worst faults on to us,-via “projection’, therefore, if he said YOU were disgusting, what he REALLY mean is that HE is disgusting. They are unable to face their faults, so they dump them on their “loved” ones. In reality, they are incapable of loving anyone, least of all themselves. So, hey presto, all you have to do, is think of every single mean, cruel and hurtful thing he ever said to you,and mentallyy send it back to him.!
When the Lord Buddha wa sitting meditating in the deer park in Vihala, India , a crazy person came to him and started to hurl insults at the Buddha. He waited till the crazy man was finished, then he said, “Tell me, if someone gave you a present, but you did not like the present, and you gave it back to him to whom, then, would the gift belong?” The mad man said,”To the one who gave it to me.”
“Just so, said the Lord Buddha. “Your insults come from your sick mind,I do not want them, I return them to you, they are yours!”. This is exactly what you must do in your mind every time you start to believe these crazy lies from your ex spath.!
With Love, and {{HUGS!!}} Gem.XXX

skylar

ooooh, good one geminigirl!

I like that Buddha quote. It’s exactly right on the projection.

geminigirl

Thanks, sky!! Years ago, [around 1965 to be exact,} I was living in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. I got really into Buddhism, I even took a course run by a tutor monk in Buddhist Philosophy and doctrine. I used to go to the temple most weekends to do Puja,-meditation. The monks were so kind to me and used to pray for my alcoholic husband. I had a 3 year old toddler,{Deb} and a new baby,{Claire,} and I was only 26.I had no idea my ex husband was an alcoholic at the time.
I even illustrated a book for the chief monk, the Rev. Tan sri Dato Dhammananda Thera. _What a title! Love, GemXX

one/joy_step_at_a_time

not sure where to post this. since r babe and i are commenting on ‘prey’, and how it is used by spaths, and this conversation has prompted me to write something about how everyone is prey to the spath i tangled with

I just wrote a letter to the spath, that i will not send and will not post for her to see. it was the first time i have addressed her directly since all of this happened – and i shook while writing it and shook after writing it.

4 short paragraphs. seems i don’t have a lot to say – just lots of CAPS and a couple of swear words.

…okay, a few CAPPED swear words

😉

and on i step….

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