Lovefraud first heard from Liz Cole, author of Perfect Prey—Surviving a Cyber Shark’s Romantic Fraud, back in 2007, shortly after she realized that the guy she met on the Internet was a sociopath.
The guy called himself John Hill, although that wasn’t his real name. Liz wrote:
In my case, John presented himself as:
an Irish born gentleman,
well groomed,
graduate degreed,
retired from the Royal Marines where he performed his tour of duty in the Falkland Islands,
a dutiful and tireless single parent to one daughter, aged 25 completing Medical School in Dublin,
an accomplished chef and restaurateur,
an accomplished sailor,
multi-lingual,
affectionate,
old-school about etiquette,
strong work ethic and,
a family background rich in details complete with family tartan (Montgomery Clan), brogues, Prince Albert jacket etc.
Hill’s presentation, Liz learned, was highly exaggerated. In fact, as often happens with sociopaths, it was a mountain of lies.
Liz, however, was vulnerable. Her husband had recently decided that he wanted a new life, abandoning her and their two daughters. So when Hill rolled into her life, promising love and riches, well, Liz listened.
It was a typical sociopathic whirlwind romance. But things never quite added up, and Hill never quite came through with his promises. Then, while Liz and her whole family waited for him to show up for Easter dinner, he disappeared.
Liz went on the warpath to find out who he really was and what he was doing. It turned out that John Hill had a long history of fraud. Liz got the police to go after him. Better yet, she busted him with a sting on Canadian television.
In Perfect Prey, Liz tells her story. Much of the book is written as a real time journal as the events unfolded, complete with sassy commentary. The book offers a good look at how one of life’s blows can make us susceptible to another, how sociopaths pull off the larger-than-life act, and how it is sometimes possible for victims to turn the tables.
Perfect Prey—Surviving a Cyber Shark’s Romantic Fraud, is available from the Chapters, Canada’s online bookstore.
to innocent to know
I have had a hard time getting over him. He is putting himself off as being religious and has found a whole new supply. I know it’s wrong to want him to fail, maybe I need it somehow to prove my point and make me feel better about myself, I don’t know. He has never stayed in a relationship. He had 2 marriages for 14 yrs each and other than that I was his longest relationship. Others in between. His 2nd wife tried to have him committed. I feel really bad for the new OW because of his history, he will eventually do the same to her. I wrote her and asked her to look up sociopath. She must not have, or she believed his lies.
to innocent to know
He controlled the shows we watched, the food we ate, the love we made, or was it love? Complaining all the time, about my daughter, his non exsistant job anything.
to innocent to know
His mom was adopted and I wonder if this plays into the fact. I’m sure he had RAD as a kid, as they have described it. Now he has Adult Attachment disorder. All but his brother, let him just do what he does without making him accountable, even keeping all the ex’s in the family, does anyone else find this weird or is it just me?
to innocent to know
And the pity play, boy was he good at it!!!!!!! I got so sick of his eyes rolling to show his pain!!!!!
to innocent to know
He even told everyone he was retired, not having a penny to his name, what is that?
one/joy_step_at_a_time
@banana
awesome!
@oxdrover : ‘I applaud this woman if for nothing else, than for having the strength left to go after this man. …—this woman’s reaction speaks volumes to what strength the human soul and spirt has the capacity for. ‘
thank you for this response. i am having a hard time justifying my desire to go after my defrauder – to myself and others. I have been in hell and i feel like i have to keep walking to walk through it. I have a fierce quality about me and I understand a lot of what drives me in this case – enormous hurt and a sense of justice. I know part of it is a desire to protect others…but at base it is a wild hurt and a warrior spirit that i thought i laid down 20 years ago. It’s just the first thing i have had to deeply fight back against in decades.
What concerns me is having my life consumed by this thing. My circumstances are NOT good. And I can’t afford to take time away from work to deal with this. I also don’t want to end up myopic. I need to sort his through. Think AND go on my intuition about what is important in my life – to my sense of self.
A couple of folks i know (one person taken in by the same person, but not to the same extent, at all) have tried to call me on my desire for vengence by bringing my religion up. I say there is nothing in my religion that says i need to lay down and take shit.
Much to think about.
Fighter
This book sounds like a must read! We’re constantly barraged with emails from victims who really think THEY are the only ones! It’s hard to get it through people’s heads with all the advertising online dating sites do, that predators just park themselves online. (Donna has written about this)
Thanks for the review!
Ox Drover
Dear Lostandfearful,
I can understand your desire for JUSTICE—Vengence belongs to God, I believe.
For example, if you see someone run from your house, carrying your possessions, you KNOW who robbed you and you call the law, that is JUSTICE.
But, let’s say you “know” who robbed you but you can’t prove it, but you have no doubt that they are the guilty party…and so you go and burn down their house, that is VENGENCE.
Sometimes the “robber” will THINK that you turning him into the cops is just “revenge” but it is NOT revenge, but justice.
sometimes we are so angry at someone that we would LIKE to go beat them up, but we refrain from doing that because we know it is VENGENCE not justice.
Sometimes we deserve justice, but we don’t get it. So in that case, I think we have to GET THE BITTERNESS for this out of our hearts, and accept that we will not get justice in THIS world, in the way WE WOULD LIKE IT. Maybe the thief gets away with the theft, but I TRUST That “karma” or God, or whatever term you want to call it, will give JUSTICE in the end. We may NOT SEE it or know about it, but I BELIEVE IT, I TRUST it and I can accept it. Actions, good or bad, have CONSEQUENCES and people who “appear” to “get away with” bad actions DO NOT in the “greater scheme of things” get “away with” their actions.
Maybe Nichole Simpson didn’t get “justice” in OJ’s first trial for her murder, but OJ ended up going to prison. SHE GOT HER JUSTICE even if he was not incarcerated for killing her. He was exposed as the psychopath I think he is. He was exposed as the abusive criminal he is. He got what he deserved.
Jesus said “be angry and sin not”—being justifiably angry at injustice, insult or injury in itself I idon’t think is wrong. It is a natural and action provoking reaction. Being “wrathful” fior a lifetime and being bitter forever over “not gettin justice” doesn’t hurt the bad guy, it hurts US.
I had to work hard on getting rid of the feelings of bitterness, the feelings of wanting vengence, to be vindicated….it was eating ME up. Not them. There are times to fight and times to just “let it go” and move on. Where and when are those times and those lines? Each of us must answer that question for ourselves.
Sometimes we can expend all the strength that we have trying vainly to get “justice” and lose what we have left in that effort that is futile. Other times, we may succeed.
Remaining bitter though, hurts us. So each of us must make that decision for ourselves based on our situation and circumstances. Sometimes there is no way that “justice” can be found in this incarnation, this time, and there is just a walking away with your head held high and some dignity left within yourself.
Sometimes it is better to be a live dog than a dead lion.
Sometimes it is better to retreat and heal and live to fight again another day. Taking care of myself has become my priority, I will let God deal with the justice, and with the vengence. I have learned that I don’t have to have external validation for vindication, but I can VALIDATE MYSELF, my own worth, the fact that I did what was right…even if no one else believes me, I can believe myself.
BTW Fighter, glad to see you posting!
runningaway
This woman’s story is my dream come true. I want to take out a full page ad in the New York Times! I want to shout from the rooftops and my mother is a sociopath and for everyone to stay away!
My brother and I were laughing about how much we want her tarred, feathered and ridden out of town on a rail. But it will never happen for us. At least someone else got a sense of satisfaction.
My lovely sociopathic mother is coming to my house for Thanksgiving. She’s flying in tomorrow. I didn’t think she’d say yes! I am so stupid. And my sister, who I’m now angry at, told her that I know about the con job she’s running on her “best friend”. I fear a bumpy weekend.
Gotta go hide all the silver….
Ox Drover
Dear Runningaway,
I am actually LOOKING FORWARD TO THANKSGIVING because it will be PSYCHOPATH FREE!!! My “lovely egg donor” will be a guest at her maid’s house because she has no family that wants her, not me, not her grandson, and of course the one in prison will be eating turkey balogna at the prison for his “holiday repast” and my other two sons and I will be sharing a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday meal with FRIENDS who like us and treat us with respect.
We do NOT have to play the “lets all pretend we are a nice normal family” game ROTFLMAO and there will be lots of laughter, fun and JOY AND PEACE there!
I hope you don’t choke on your “good cheer” at your table with your female sibling and your toxic egg donor! I’m just done with the pretense and the stress—I’d rather eat a turkey bologna sandwich at a shelter than have a big fake holiday meal with all the trimmings. I never really thought I would reach this point, but for me it was the ONLY WAY TO SURVIVE. It was like lancing a boil on my arse—once the initial pain of the incision was over, the wound healed up really nicely and I don’t have the big pain in the butt any more! HAPPY HOLIDAYS!