Lovefraud first heard from Liz Cole, author of Perfect Prey—Surviving a Cyber Shark’s Romantic Fraud, back in 2007, shortly after she realized that the guy she met on the Internet was a sociopath.
The guy called himself John Hill, although that wasn’t his real name. Liz wrote:
In my case, John presented himself as:
an Irish born gentleman,
well groomed,
graduate degreed,
retired from the Royal Marines where he performed his tour of duty in the Falkland Islands,
a dutiful and tireless single parent to one daughter, aged 25 completing Medical School in Dublin,
an accomplished chef and restaurateur,
an accomplished sailor,
multi-lingual,
affectionate,
old-school about etiquette,
strong work ethic and,
a family background rich in details complete with family tartan (Montgomery Clan), brogues, Prince Albert jacket etc.
Hill’s presentation, Liz learned, was highly exaggerated. In fact, as often happens with sociopaths, it was a mountain of lies.
Liz, however, was vulnerable. Her husband had recently decided that he wanted a new life, abandoning her and their two daughters. So when Hill rolled into her life, promising love and riches, well, Liz listened.
It was a typical sociopathic whirlwind romance. But things never quite added up, and Hill never quite came through with his promises. Then, while Liz and her whole family waited for him to show up for Easter dinner, he disappeared.
Liz went on the warpath to find out who he really was and what he was doing. It turned out that John Hill had a long history of fraud. Liz got the police to go after him. Better yet, she busted him with a sting on Canadian television.
In Perfect Prey, Liz tells her story. Much of the book is written as a real time journal as the events unfolded, complete with sassy commentary. The book offers a good look at how one of life’s blows can make us susceptible to another, how sociopaths pull off the larger-than-life act, and how it is sometimes possible for victims to turn the tables.
Perfect Prey—Surviving a Cyber Shark’s Romantic Fraud, is available from the Chapters, Canada’s online bookstore.
My N and I got into a fight one night and I went out for a couple of hours to get away from him. When I got home, he beat me up. He went to bed after he got through attacking me. I was so frustrated and angry I punched both my hands out, unknowingly into a glass door, resulting in a huge gash on my forearm. At that time, our neighbor, who was fed up with the noises of domestic violence, banged on our apartment door and screamed that she was calling the police. My N calmly yelled back to her to call an ambulance as well. I had blood gushing from my wound that later received 58 stitches. He just stared down at me so calmly as I was hysterically crying and begging him to help me. It took about 15 minutes for the paramedics to get there. The only effort he made to help me was to hand me a towel and that was right before they got there. I will never forget the way he looked at me. I could have been bleeding to death – there was so much blood – and he just calmly stared at me and didn’t help me! I am so glad I didn’t die that way.
Dear Pale Luna,
When we allow them to push the “crazy” button on the front of our shirts with the electric prod they all seem to have, we do do “crazy” things in our pain. But it doesn’t mean you ARE crazy. Take back your power for him to push you to the point of no return. TAKE YOUR power back. If you are not away from this jerk, get away, abnd stay away. Glad you are here! Stay around and read and learn and take back your power from him!!!! (((hugs)))) and God bless.
Ive heard the saying, getting bitter and vengeful at someone who wronged you, is a bit like drinking lethal poison yourself and expecting the guilty party to die! We may be consumed with anger, wrath, hatred. eaten up with bitterness, and they{the spaths}, are probably watching a movie or something, blissfully unaware we even exist!
I agree with Oxy, anger is OK and necessary, it seems to me to be the ‘rocket fuel” that gets us moving, and out of the spaths life.Even Jesus talked of righteous anger, and He was angry when He drove the money changers out of the Temple. But, as Oxy,says, vengeance belongs to God. There are times we think, “When oh God, when?” when the Bad person seems to get away with everything, including murder sometimes. But they dont. Sooner or later,their evil past will catch up with them. if we are eaten up with bitterness, THEY, the spaths, have won! It takes time but we must work at getting this bitterness out of our hearts, souls, and bodies, or it can quite liteally, kill us.NC is the only way to go, Im convinced of it now. I have bad days, and then I remember, I used to have bad years!! Love, and {{HUGS!!}} Gem.XX
GEM;
What you wrote is beautiful!!!!!!
You have such a great soul and a beautiful heart!
And to end your comment with……
“Im convinced of it now. I have bad days, and then I remember, I used to have bad years!!
Look at you!!!!! YOU GO GIRL!!!!!
I’m so glad your here.
XXOO
EB
THANK you so much, darling EB!!
I keep all of your writings to me, and Oxys and others, in a special folder, and if I have a bad day I take them out and read them! We may not be where we want to be but when we look back on the miserable lives we had with these half people /half aliens, LOOK AT HOW FAR WEVE COME!! Give me five, EB, Oxy, and all of you! Wouldnt it be the greatest thing if one day we could all meet up in person? With all our love, and experience, between us all, WE CAN CHANGE THE WORLD one person at a time!Thanks again! and {{HUGS!!}}} love, Gem.XXX EB , Im glad your here too!!
I didn’t know where to post this but this seemed as good a place as any under geminigirl’s message of hope and positivity.
This might not seem much to anyone else but to me it’s an important day. My therapist has concentrated on the child abuse and the past as she said that what had happened with the S is only a symbol for my childhood ..but today I made her listen to all the facts, all he did and said and how I feel, so that she didn’t just think that his being a bit of a pig was why I was left feeling this way and she said, “B, he sounds like a PSYCHOPATH! You were groomed. He’s a sexual predator and he has no idea how to love. He’s emotionally raped you and he has no conscience. I’ve met them before and he is one of their kind.”
Hooray! Hooray! Not that’s he is a psychopath but that someone else said so! We’ve hardly talked about what he did.. only my grief.. so this is such validation for me.
I’m still exhausted and sad but a corner has been turned. Somebody who knows what he did now knows what he is.
Dear Becoming,
I’m so glad that your therapist gets it!!!! So many don’t unfortunately, but now you are on your way! You have been validated, and that means so omuch. Many of us are only able to validate ourselves, but even that abillity to get validation that way, as difficult as it is, is IMPORTANT. LF itself gives us validation as well, and I think that is wha tmakes it so importnt a tool in our bag of healing items.
You go girl! TOWANDA!!! for you and for your therapist! (((hugs))) and God bless you both!
becoming:
I grew up in an extremely abusive home (physical and emotional). I remember telling S one day that he should send my parents a thank you note for grooming me so that S could finish me off.
Two books which helped me immensely in trying to figure out how this all happened were “If You Had Controlling Parents”. Dan Neuharth explains the various kinds of control which parents exert over their children and how that robs you of your ability to assert boundaries and end up with an abnegated sense of self. Then read “The Betrayal Bond” by Patrick Carnes. It explains how the S gains control of us by trauma bonding. The trauma bonding often beings in our childhoods at the hands of abusive parents. That’s why I recommend reading both these books.
Oxy, I shall treasure my first TOWANDA!! Thank you so much, oh wielder of the skillet of love! ; ) God bless you too.
Yes, it’s so true that even if we only have our own gut feeling and research to tell us that they’re psychopaths, that *must be* enough for us to start to heal, but it sure is great for someone else who knows them first hand to tell me that she thinks so too. : )
Matt, thanks so much for the book recommendations. I have just finished ‘The Betrayal Bond’ and it has been more useful to me than any other book I’ve read so far. A ‘must-have’ for anybody who has to visit here, I agree. I will get the Dan Neuharth book too. I am finding John Bradshaw’s ‘Healing The Shame that Binds You’ useful for learning to stop believing all the bad I was told about myself as a child and which has stayed with me. It’s another good one.
Abnegated sense of self, that’s the truth. Told my therapist at the start that I had no idea who I was. Never had the courage or confidence to find out. Just did whatever seemed safest at the time. I’ve only recently realised how traumatised I have been all my life.
Your comment to S was right on.
Dear Becoming, I think you are well along on the healing road, and that is wonderful for you. those “ah ha” moments when we see something we have been looking at for a long time and couldn’t really identify just what it was are wonderful stepping stones for us to LEAP along the healing road, singing joyfully that we have discovered the “secrets” to healing.
So many times I have thought I had discovered thhose secrets, and then, let myself get “cocky” and think I AM THERE, when in actuallity I was just beginnig, and I let another P lure me off the road to healing with another “siren song”—this time I am TYING myself to the road so that nothing no matter how beautiful and tempting can lure me off the road to healing, back into that dismal swamp of thinking that someone else can give me “happiness”—-that something external can “make me happy”—I’ve been for way too long like Charlile Brown kicking at the football held by a SERIES of Lucys, all promising NOT to move the ball! Now I know that only I can hold the football for myself.
You deserve a TOWANDA GF! (((hugs))))