By Ox Drover
I recently read The Socially Skilled Child Molester: Differentiating the Guilty from the Falsely Accused, by Carla van Dam, Ph.D.
Carla van Dam, Ph.D., is a clinical and forensic psychologist who has practiced in the U.S. and Canada, and taught in several universities. She is well known in the community of those who focus on primary prevention strategies to help end child sexual abuse. One of her previous books was Identifying Child Molesters: Preventing Child Sexual Abuse by Recognizing the Patterns of Offenders.
Several of the reviews of this book pretty well sum up my opinion of this well-written book.
“The Socially Skilled Child Molester provides a thorough description of common types of child molesters, most importantly, distinguishing between ”˜grabbers’ and ”˜groomers.’” Kelly Simonson, Ph.D.
“A provocative analysis of four types of smarter, richer, socially skilled and often litigious offenders as opposed to the cruder, more frequently captured types. Such offenders, whom the author calls ”˜groomers,’ usually spend more time cultivating the good graces of family members, neighborhoods, and whole communities rather than selecting and seducing their victims. These offenders are usually regarded as upstanding pillars of the community, and include businessmen, priests, judges, coaches, teachers and volunteers”¦” Thomas R. O’Connor, Ph.D.
“Carla van Dam carefully describes the various child molesters who sit next to us in our churches and synagogues, go to the theater, and eat in the same restaurants with us. They continue to harm children because they fool us into thinking that such nice guys couldn’t do such a terrible thing.” Lenore E. Walker, Ed.D. (Dr. Walker was a pioneer in the defense of women who faced criminal charges for attacking their long-time abusers. Her books include The Battered Woman, The Battered Woman Syndrome, Handbook of Child Sexual Abuse, and Abused Women and Survivor Therapy.)
Having personally been well acquainted for a number of years with one of the most prolific child abusers, totaling over 1500 victims, Charles “Jackie” Walls, III, who is currently serving life without parole in Arkansas Department of Corrections, I know how easy it is for these “socially skilled” child molesters to pass for “upstanding citizens” in the community for decades, all the while doing damage to so many. Though I never liked Jackie because he was an obvious narcissistic creep, it never dawned on me, I never had the faintest inkling, that he was living this dual life of upstanding family man and Boy Scout volunteer of the year during the daytime, and monster at night.
Dr. van Dam’s book gives a clear and precise directions for spotting the warning signs in a predator who is socially skilled and highly thought of in the community, who presents himself as the “too good to be true” businessman, priest, rabbi, physician, nurse, volunteer, etc., who is too helpful, too private, too attentive to children, too touchy with children, too involved with image management, too one-sided in relationships, always giving, never taking, too opportunistic, too superficial, too prone to violate boundaries of personal space and privacy, too aggressive when confronted, too quick to drop friendships when children grow older, too likely to disappear when contact with children is denied, altogether too charming . . . and, too good to be true.
Dr. van Dam divides her book into 10 chapters, as follows:
Chapter 1. “Understanding the Problem” focuses on the fact that the “groomers,” as she calls them, are well-socialized child molesters and behave as if they were addicted to sexual contact with children.
Chapter 2. “Child Molesters in Their Natural Habitat” familiarizes readers with the operating styles of the groomers and allows them to notice the often-predictable practices so that readers can more effectively prevent child sexual abuse.
Chapter 3. “Current Practices” provides the reader with information on the inadequacies of the way child sexual abuse is addressed by communities.
Chapter 4. “Not All Child Molesters Are Alike.” This chapter gives a closer focus on the vocabulary used to describe sexual misconduct. Child molesters do much damage to children by first carefully grooming adults in order to gain access to children.
Chapter 5. “Common Misperceptions.” This chapter focuses on groomers’ excuses and explanations when their conduct is challenged. These are hackneyed clichés that are often misconstrued as sincere. Everyone needs to know these well enough to recognize them when they occur.
Chapter 6. “Accurately Differentiating Danger.” This provides the framework to understand how the behaviors of groomers often vary from those whose conduct should not be worrisome. It points out that behavioral patterns of successful groomers vary significantly from those who are not child molesters.
Chapter 7. “A Framework for Understanding Child Sexual Abuse.” Using an iceberg as an analogy of the groomer’s behavior, this chapter gives information to the reader about how to expose the groomer’s operating strategies to protect children.
Chapter 8. “Interviewing Child Molesters.” This shows the reader that though groomers are incredibly successful liars, the lies they tell can be identified, and are often predictable. This allows the reader to be less gullible and better protect their children.
Chapter 9. “Predicting Risk.” This chapter deals with differentiating convicted offenders from the less to the more dangerous.
Chapter 10. “Incorporating Corroborating Evidence.” This chapter brings all the information together for both professionals and for families in ways to network in the community to protect our children from predators.
This book, in my opinion, is a must-have for anyone who wants to protect children, in their own home and in the community. While Dr. van Dam does not think that all pedophiles qualify as psychopaths, she does say that they “lack empathy, and experience no real remorse as shown by their actual behaviors.”
Although this book focuses on child molesters, many of the practices that the groomers use are familiar to some of us who have met sociopaths who looked like such “good people” and turned out to be such bad nightmares. The book may also be interesting to people who want to understand more about how a bad person can hide in plain sight.
To purchase the book, go to Amazon.com:
The Socially Skilled Child Molester: Differentiating the Guilty from the Falsely Accused.
Dear OxDrover,
Thanks for posting this timely article. This sounds like a great book. In the excerpt I read, the author pointed out that 95% of child molesters are “groomers”. I suspect she’s right. If this is the case, then parents need to be sensitive to the strategies of groomers.
I recently stumbled on this entry in another blog:
“Would these things cause red flags for you?
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Say an older (40’s) single divorced man wanted to hold your toddler at every opportunity. You don’t know this man….just having met him a few months ago. He’s new to the area and your church. He’s the first person to greet you at church, and the last person to seek you out before you leave, each time holding out his arms to hold your toddler.
This is what’s been happening since we met this man. It makes me very uncomfortable but I don’t know why. I guess maybe I’m wondering why he doesn’t hang out with people his own age. He doesn’t seem interested in any other children, just our one daughter. Part of me thinks maybe it’s just his way of trying to get to know our family… you know, like an icebraker. But then, do we really want to befriend a single man his age not knowing his history, etc. *especially* considering he is so interested in our daughter? And shouldn’t an older single man know that that’s not the way to make friends? Maybe I’m just thinking way into this. It really bothers me that he seeks us out and then we stand there while he holds our daughter until we peel her away and leave. Would this bother you?? ”
Dozens of people posted back. “Yes, it would bother them!” They went on to suggest various strategies for protecting the children in the church. I was impressed.
I think many parents are pretty wary, but groomers are adept at homing in on that segment of the population that is not.
The more I think about it, the more I want to read this book. These groomers sound like psychopaths to me, and psychopaths fool practically everyone. It wouldn’t hurt for me to do some studying.
Thanx again Ox Drover!
On your recommendation, Oxy, I recently obtained this book through interlibrary loan. As the mother of at least two victims of an extremely socially skilled child molester, let me caution casual readers that is a TOUGH and BLUNT book. The first chapter, especially, is brutal, and I’m not sure I would recommend it to someone in the early stages of shock and discovery.
I’ve been dealing with the aftermath of a psychopath for five years now and it still gave me nightmares.
However, the book is full of good information. The most difficult thing I learned as a mother was that I will likely NEVER know the full extent of what the monster did. The children often never reveal everything. The shame is deep. The molesters count on this, and celebrate it.
The author is very effective at describing just how well these monsters deceive. She correctly calls them the world’s best liars. This book could be very useful in convincing the doubtful when “kindly old uncle Joe” seems like such a nice man. Or even good old dad.
I will get hold of this book Oxy. Although I have always steered clear of books on this subject because I couldnt stomach it , I have been forced out of denial and I think its about time I up a bit. Tood says its tough and blunt…gulp…but maybe its time for me.
My father was a ‘groomer’ of young teens and the s/p I knew is a ‘groomer’ of anything with a pulse – I knew my father was doing it when he was and I couldnt stand it but I didnt know what it was!!
typo ‘ about time I read up a bit’ (sorry)
I recommend this book to ANYONE wanting to learn about how psychopaths hide themselves in society. I learned more about psychopaths in society from this book than from any other book I have read. No other book so clearly describes the “groomer,” and I think that those of us who were targeted by well-socialized “nice” men who were sociopathic were targeted by “groomers.” Only WE were the targets, not children.
I read this book two years ago when I was early in the process of coming to understand what a psychopath was. I read the book for its information on psychopathic behavior, not realizing as I was reading it that the person I had been involved with was probably also a child molester. I have since gotten information that reinforces my sense that he is also a child molester as well as a psychopath who is highly destructive in many other ways.
Yep, this book is BLUNT and to the point, but it also shows you how to distinguish the groomers from the peopl;e who just like children. they act differently.
My opinion of the man at the church is that he likes children, rather than is grooming.
The author gives several different examples of the real groomers vs the folks who like children and since this guy is doing this in front of the parents, is not offering to baby sit, etc. he does’t make my skin crawl.
My sons both love kids and do volunteer work and tutoring with kids one has never married and one is recently divorced, but they do NOT have any of teh “groomer” signs and both are aware that they must NEVER BE ALONE with a child without another adult in VISUAL CONTACT at the very least. The Boy Scouts of America have this as a policy. It is a good policy, but obviously Jackie Walls did not adhere to this policy as a BSA volunteer. My son D has worked for and with the BSA for 14 years as programs director at summer camp for a large BSA reservation, so is well aware of the policies on appropriate behavior as a volunteer and adheres to it both at camp and in his private life. It is a good policy for ANY person to adhere to if they are with children not their own, of course even that would not stop a father from molesting his child, or a grandfather, etc.
Yes – maybe on a basic animal level I (and maybe a lot of people) instinctively know (or feel) the difference between a groomer and someone who just loves kids (I love kids, my best male friend loves kids…its a different ‘atmosphere’), the are lots of little flags, innappropriate behaviour sometimes very subtle, inconsistancies, it made me uncomfortable as a child watching my father’s behaviour towards cousins and young girls in the neighbourhood – the s/p behaved in exactly the same way towards women of any age… it set my ‘spidey sense’ tingling but I couldnt put my finger on it…
I ordered this book, “Just Like His Father” (Dr. Leedom), “Sociopath Next Door” (Martha Stout), and “Without Conscience” (Robert Hare).
If I can get one little kernal of ANYTHING from any of these books that will help me to help my niece, it will be worth it.
The problem is blueskies, is that too many people do NOT know the differences in how they behave, this book kwas an EYE OPENER, I actually instinctivel;y knew a few of the things she pointed out, but hadn’t really thought too much about them, now I will NEVER ignore the differences or question myself—that questioning yourself is what allows them to flourish. I read Dr. Anna Salter’s book “Predators” about child molesters too, and between the two of these books you get a REAL EDUCATION in child sexual abuse and that is one of my HOT TOPICS and one that I think the death penalty by crucifiction is NOT HARSH ENOUGH!
Instead, our society tries to “rehabilitate” them! SHEET, THESE PEOPLE A PSYCHOPATHS FOR GOODNESS SAKES, THEY CAN’T BE REHABILITATED OR STOPPED EXCEPT BY KILLING THEM!
OxDrover:
From your mouth (or the above post) to GOD”S EARS!!!