By Ox Drover
I recently read The Socially Skilled Child Molester: Differentiating the Guilty from the Falsely Accused, by Carla van Dam, Ph.D.
Carla van Dam, Ph.D., is a clinical and forensic psychologist who has practiced in the U.S. and Canada, and taught in several universities. She is well known in the community of those who focus on primary prevention strategies to help end child sexual abuse. One of her previous books was Identifying Child Molesters: Preventing Child Sexual Abuse by Recognizing the Patterns of Offenders.
Several of the reviews of this book pretty well sum up my opinion of this well-written book.
“The Socially Skilled Child Molester provides a thorough description of common types of child molesters, most importantly, distinguishing between ”˜grabbers’ and ”˜groomers.’” Kelly Simonson, Ph.D.
“A provocative analysis of four types of smarter, richer, socially skilled and often litigious offenders as opposed to the cruder, more frequently captured types. Such offenders, whom the author calls ”˜groomers,’ usually spend more time cultivating the good graces of family members, neighborhoods, and whole communities rather than selecting and seducing their victims. These offenders are usually regarded as upstanding pillars of the community, and include businessmen, priests, judges, coaches, teachers and volunteers”¦” Thomas R. O’Connor, Ph.D.
“Carla van Dam carefully describes the various child molesters who sit next to us in our churches and synagogues, go to the theater, and eat in the same restaurants with us. They continue to harm children because they fool us into thinking that such nice guys couldn’t do such a terrible thing.” Lenore E. Walker, Ed.D. (Dr. Walker was a pioneer in the defense of women who faced criminal charges for attacking their long-time abusers. Her books include The Battered Woman, The Battered Woman Syndrome, Handbook of Child Sexual Abuse, and Abused Women and Survivor Therapy.)
Having personally been well acquainted for a number of years with one of the most prolific child abusers, totaling over 1500 victims, Charles “Jackie” Walls, III, who is currently serving life without parole in Arkansas Department of Corrections, I know how easy it is for these “socially skilled” child molesters to pass for “upstanding citizens” in the community for decades, all the while doing damage to so many. Though I never liked Jackie because he was an obvious narcissistic creep, it never dawned on me, I never had the faintest inkling, that he was living this dual life of upstanding family man and Boy Scout volunteer of the year during the daytime, and monster at night.
Dr. van Dam’s book gives a clear and precise directions for spotting the warning signs in a predator who is socially skilled and highly thought of in the community, who presents himself as the “too good to be true” businessman, priest, rabbi, physician, nurse, volunteer, etc., who is too helpful, too private, too attentive to children, too touchy with children, too involved with image management, too one-sided in relationships, always giving, never taking, too opportunistic, too superficial, too prone to violate boundaries of personal space and privacy, too aggressive when confronted, too quick to drop friendships when children grow older, too likely to disappear when contact with children is denied, altogether too charming . . . and, too good to be true.
Dr. van Dam divides her book into 10 chapters, as follows:
Chapter 1. “Understanding the Problem” focuses on the fact that the “groomers,” as she calls them, are well-socialized child molesters and behave as if they were addicted to sexual contact with children.
Chapter 2. “Child Molesters in Their Natural Habitat” familiarizes readers with the operating styles of the groomers and allows them to notice the often-predictable practices so that readers can more effectively prevent child sexual abuse.
Chapter 3. “Current Practices” provides the reader with information on the inadequacies of the way child sexual abuse is addressed by communities.
Chapter 4. “Not All Child Molesters Are Alike.” This chapter gives a closer focus on the vocabulary used to describe sexual misconduct. Child molesters do much damage to children by first carefully grooming adults in order to gain access to children.
Chapter 5. “Common Misperceptions.” This chapter focuses on groomers’ excuses and explanations when their conduct is challenged. These are hackneyed clichés that are often misconstrued as sincere. Everyone needs to know these well enough to recognize them when they occur.
Chapter 6. “Accurately Differentiating Danger.” This provides the framework to understand how the behaviors of groomers often vary from those whose conduct should not be worrisome. It points out that behavioral patterns of successful groomers vary significantly from those who are not child molesters.
Chapter 7. “A Framework for Understanding Child Sexual Abuse.” Using an iceberg as an analogy of the groomer’s behavior, this chapter gives information to the reader about how to expose the groomer’s operating strategies to protect children.
Chapter 8. “Interviewing Child Molesters.” This shows the reader that though groomers are incredibly successful liars, the lies they tell can be identified, and are often predictable. This allows the reader to be less gullible and better protect their children.
Chapter 9. “Predicting Risk.” This chapter deals with differentiating convicted offenders from the less to the more dangerous.
Chapter 10. “Incorporating Corroborating Evidence.” This chapter brings all the information together for both professionals and for families in ways to network in the community to protect our children from predators.
This book, in my opinion, is a must-have for anyone who wants to protect children, in their own home and in the community. While Dr. van Dam does not think that all pedophiles qualify as psychopaths, she does say that they “lack empathy, and experience no real remorse as shown by their actual behaviors.”
Although this book focuses on child molesters, many of the practices that the groomers use are familiar to some of us who have met sociopaths who looked like such “good people” and turned out to be such bad nightmares. The book may also be interesting to people who want to understand more about how a bad person can hide in plain sight.
To purchase the book, go to Amazon.com:
The Socially Skilled Child Molester: Differentiating the Guilty from the Falsely Accused.
Ha ha. I thought it was just me! I once wrote: Happy Birthday LOVE ShabC2 … to a guy we couldn’t stand and we called him Stinky (not to his face – of course) because it always looked like the shirt he was wearing was one he had picked up off the floor or retrieved from the laundry bin! LMAO! Those were the good ole days.
Jane, Just when I was feeling really uncomfortable with this thread you made me laugh at your reply to Shabbychic who was replying to Blueskies. I like reading all the comments here. We all add our own flavor. It seems that recently some of the posters are feeling touchy and upset by others posts or lack there of. I think we are all at different places of healing and some of us are still shell shocked and waiting for the other shoe to drop. Feeling insecure and expecting criticism because we have been subjected to it for so long by our involvement with our abusers. Or so it seems to me. I see this in my own life though not on this forum. I just expect mistreatment. I wait for it in anticipation and as a result I push people away. I have been called out on this tendency recently by a new friend. That I give no slack and I’m hyper sensitive to perceived slights when none were intended. Blueskies please stick around. You need to be here as do all of us who happen on here for support. I don’t know if I’m ready to confirm my fears for my stepdaughter. I’m sort of stuck between I did all I can do and wanting to pretend that everything was a misunderstanding and that Daddy is a swell guy. At some point I may be ready to read these books, but right now I’m too raw and it is too fresh in my mind to disengage myself from it. For my own serenity and the sake of my kids, I have to step away from this situation. And it kills me that right now ignorance seems a little like bliss when it comes to this topic.
Dear Joy,
That is why this is such a hot topic for me, I have had to STEP AWAY so many times from kids that I knew had been mistreated (one way or another) and couldn’t get a darned thing done about it. Stepping away from something we can’t control, even though WE KNOW it is not a good thing, is VERY difficult for me—I am a FIGHTER, and when someone or something is helpless, I am a SUCKER and want to plunge in swinging my skillet, or a sword, or SOMETHING! DO SOMETHING, and when there is nothing I CAN DO it is very difficult for me to put it into God’s hands and just PRAY.
Actually, I think that is one of the things I am HAVING TO LEARN THE HARD WAY, is that there are some injustices I cannot right, cannot fix, and I just have to let it go, let God deal with it and PRAY LIKE THERE IS NO TOMORROW.
My prayers for you too, and for your step daughter! (((hugs))))
Hi folks , I have been away a while but not sleeping . I must say I had not really given the child molesting subject much thought , but as I was readying the posts I realise that its the same old human predator at work . I think that what we have to come to grips with is that these people are not really human for what ever reason . Perhaps what I find most fascinating is that they seem not to be male or female . Are they both or are they neither . I base these thoughts on two encounters that I have had in the past year . One with a transvestite and the other with a self confessed gay male who said without fan fair that he had f–ked as many women as men . I will start with the self confessed gay male . The situation was in a bar and me and a male friend were sitting on the balcony outside in the sun enjoying a beer . We are both straight I should perhaps add . We both have been involved with psychopathic women in the past , so the whole psychopath subject is quite often the subject of conversation .
At a certain point two males sat at the table beside us . I would say that they had both been drinking a while but they were not rowdy . Me and my friend are talking about politics . At one point one of the males at the next table leaves and the other guy is left sitting alone sipping on his beer . At some point he makes a comment on something we have said and before we know it he is sitting at our table putting forward what I will call flambouyant far flung political philosophies. We talked about many things to do with the current financial crisis . As the conversation progressed I began to realise that he was a fairly inteligent person , however his knowledge seemed to be flawed and at some point I realised that he did not really know what he was talking about , but he was very good at pretending he did . At this point I was suspecting a psychopath . I decided to change the subject to psychology. It was at this point that he claimed he was a student of psychology . Well this left the door wide open for me so I asked him if he knew anything about psychopaths . He gave a brief text book discription and then asked why the interest . I proceeded to describe my love affair with a psychopathic woman . It was during this conversation that he admitted to being gay although at the time I wondered after he said he had f–cked as many men as women . He also admitted that he had never been in a relationship for more than 2 months . When I asked how come , he said ,” well after you know 90% of a person why bother with the last 10%”. He also expressed an interest in my love affair with my psychopathic X . I went on to describe how I felt at the time in as much detail as I thought was relevant . To this he stated that, that was what he wanted to experience . It was at this point that I suggested that he never would as I believed he was in fact a psychopath . At first he was somewhat insulted but seemed to stay calm . At this point I went to the wash room . When I came back to the table he was gone . I said to my friend “what did you think of that “, as up till then he had remained mostly silent as the conversation had gone back and forth between me and our bizarre guest . His observations were quite interesting . He agreed with my theory that he was a psychopath but was totally amazed that I had told the guy that I believed that that was what he was . The other thing that amazed him about the conversation was that the guy kept “TELLING ON HIMSELF” To me this was pretty much a confirmation of his psychopathic nature . I have noticed before especially with my X that this was a trait that she had . Of course to the untrained ear as I was back then I did not pick up on it . Over the past year the flash backs that have come to me sometimes just blows me away . If i had been able to remember all the little signs at the same time I probably would have figured it out sooner than I did instead of wasting a year and a half with this woman . The other thing that happened while I was in the washroom was he had said to my friend that he figured that I was a psychopath in denial . He then asked my friend if he wanted to go somewhere else for a drink . At this point my friend had had about enough and told him so. So where does this fit in with the child molester . Well I think its just a slight variation on the psychopathic theme . A victim is a victim , it does not matter the age or the sex to these creatures . I suspect that perhaps as a psychopth ages the concept of younger and younger victims becomes more appealing as they are an easier mark than someone more experienced . When I met my X I was the oldest guy in relation to her own age that she had ever gone out with . She was 43 and I was 51 . Her previous boy friend was 10 years younger . When dressed up for a night on the town she could pass for 25 . From what I’ve been told since ,guys in their early 20s are falling over themselves to get to her when she is in a night club alone . Little do they realise the monster that lurks behind the phoney facade that she so expertly portrays . The tranvestite story I have told before so I will not bore you with that . However here is a question . What percentage of gay people are psychopaths . I suspect that it might be quite high , perhaps 20%to 30% . I have no scientific research to base this on ,only my own observation and instinct .
Hi guest, glad to hear from you again.
quest: He figured you were a psychopath in denial, what a jerk!!!!! Sounds like you spotted him for what he is! I don’t know the answer to you question but have one of my own, are most psychopaths/sociopaths child molesters?
I have a friend who acts like she knows what she is talking about, we were discussing politics and she said “there are 2 billion people in the United States”… I said WHAT??? In the United States??? TRY 300 MILLION (bitch) LOL.
Not-so-shabby: I found this book several years ago because every time I tried to google for information on sociopaths or psychopaths, I got information on child molesters. Then, having found the book, I felt that it explained something about psychopaths/sociopaths that I wasn’t seeing in any other book.
Are most psychopaths/sociopaths child molesters? Well being highly driven by sexual impulses and not being particularly restricted by conscience to an appropriate age group, we might have reason to be concerned.
For psychopaths sex is a weapon to be used as they see fit . They feel no love for their partner what so ever . I suppose what initially amazed me was that I guess a male using sex as a weapon was something that I could imagine , but how did a woman in the same condition apply it in the same manner . Well once you are hooked on the sex with a psychopathic woman you are basically buggered . Its like what I would imagine being hooked on heroin would be like or something similar . Once you are hooked the manipulation intensifies along with all the other crap symptomatic of the psychopathic condition . Sex becomes the preverbial carrot . You can only have some ……IF. I guess I would have to say that all psychopaths probably have the potential to be child molesters , just as they probably all have the potential to kill.
What sets them off in a particular direction is anyones guess
Interesting comments and questions. I especially agree with Quest about the direction they take being anyone’s guess. I just find my new knowledge overwhelming now. I see in coworkers and stories of relationships so many things that make me go,”Red Flag ALERT!” I’m becoming weary of ever having a social life. I’m either hypersensitive or just numb in most situations. I’m thinking becoming a homebody is a fabulous idea. Good thing I like to read and watch TV. Both give me a pleasant escape. Add to that an occasional concert, movie, or shopping trip, and I believe my life may be complete. Now if I could just create a sexual partner who wanted no mind games, no control issues, and no emotional power offer me, I would have it made. And worst of all in my desire to protect myself, I’m sounding just a bit like a psychopath myself. I wonder if it is contagious or if loneliness and longing are making me crazy? Thanks Oxy for your comment. I ‘m the type that fights city hall and wins. Love to battle for a cause, but am left sitting in the corner on this one and praying for a child that I love who loves me too and is forced NC by her crazy dad. Though how could it be any other way with me feeling as I do about him and him wanting to pretend to be normal.
I am not as educated on this as I should be, because I just started researching it, and I could be WAY off base. But, I read somewhere that in “born psychopaths” (where there is a genetic component), the disorder is directly related to testosterone. Psychopaths who are born with the genetic component to their disorder carry larger amounts of testosterone in their system.
Testosterone is a male hormone, but women carry the hormone as well (just not as dominantly as men). So, in female psychopaths, elevated levels of testosterone increases their aggressiveness and makes them more “man-like”, making it easy for them to commit violence. That is why female psychopaths can be just as nasty as the males.
This makes sense to me, because my sister-in-law seems “man-like” to me at times, even though men would probably say she is attractive.
Another thing my sister-in-law has showed me is that child molesters can be women. Women molesting little girls. For some reason, I have always seen it as male pedophiles molesting little boys. Not the case AT ALL.
This theory could be rubbish. Like I said, I am no expert. But it made A LOT of sense to me when I read it.