By Ox Drover
I recently read The Socially Skilled Child Molester: Differentiating the Guilty from the Falsely Accused, by Carla van Dam, Ph.D.
Carla van Dam, Ph.D., is a clinical and forensic psychologist who has practiced in the U.S. and Canada, and taught in several universities. She is well known in the community of those who focus on primary prevention strategies to help end child sexual abuse. One of her previous books was Identifying Child Molesters: Preventing Child Sexual Abuse by Recognizing the Patterns of Offenders.
Several of the reviews of this book pretty well sum up my opinion of this well-written book.
“The Socially Skilled Child Molester provides a thorough description of common types of child molesters, most importantly, distinguishing between ”˜grabbers’ and ”˜groomers.’” Kelly Simonson, Ph.D.
“A provocative analysis of four types of smarter, richer, socially skilled and often litigious offenders as opposed to the cruder, more frequently captured types. Such offenders, whom the author calls ”˜groomers,’ usually spend more time cultivating the good graces of family members, neighborhoods, and whole communities rather than selecting and seducing their victims. These offenders are usually regarded as upstanding pillars of the community, and include businessmen, priests, judges, coaches, teachers and volunteers”¦” Thomas R. O’Connor, Ph.D.
“Carla van Dam carefully describes the various child molesters who sit next to us in our churches and synagogues, go to the theater, and eat in the same restaurants with us. They continue to harm children because they fool us into thinking that such nice guys couldn’t do such a terrible thing.” Lenore E. Walker, Ed.D. (Dr. Walker was a pioneer in the defense of women who faced criminal charges for attacking their long-time abusers. Her books include The Battered Woman, The Battered Woman Syndrome, Handbook of Child Sexual Abuse, and Abused Women and Survivor Therapy.)
Having personally been well acquainted for a number of years with one of the most prolific child abusers, totaling over 1500 victims, Charles “Jackie” Walls, III, who is currently serving life without parole in Arkansas Department of Corrections, I know how easy it is for these “socially skilled” child molesters to pass for “upstanding citizens” in the community for decades, all the while doing damage to so many. Though I never liked Jackie because he was an obvious narcissistic creep, it never dawned on me, I never had the faintest inkling, that he was living this dual life of upstanding family man and Boy Scout volunteer of the year during the daytime, and monster at night.
Dr. van Dam’s book gives a clear and precise directions for spotting the warning signs in a predator who is socially skilled and highly thought of in the community, who presents himself as the “too good to be true” businessman, priest, rabbi, physician, nurse, volunteer, etc., who is too helpful, too private, too attentive to children, too touchy with children, too involved with image management, too one-sided in relationships, always giving, never taking, too opportunistic, too superficial, too prone to violate boundaries of personal space and privacy, too aggressive when confronted, too quick to drop friendships when children grow older, too likely to disappear when contact with children is denied, altogether too charming . . . and, too good to be true.
Dr. van Dam divides her book into 10 chapters, as follows:
Chapter 1. “Understanding the Problem” focuses on the fact that the “groomers,” as she calls them, are well-socialized child molesters and behave as if they were addicted to sexual contact with children.
Chapter 2. “Child Molesters in Their Natural Habitat” familiarizes readers with the operating styles of the groomers and allows them to notice the often-predictable practices so that readers can more effectively prevent child sexual abuse.
Chapter 3. “Current Practices” provides the reader with information on the inadequacies of the way child sexual abuse is addressed by communities.
Chapter 4. “Not All Child Molesters Are Alike.” This chapter gives a closer focus on the vocabulary used to describe sexual misconduct. Child molesters do much damage to children by first carefully grooming adults in order to gain access to children.
Chapter 5. “Common Misperceptions.” This chapter focuses on groomers’ excuses and explanations when their conduct is challenged. These are hackneyed clichés that are often misconstrued as sincere. Everyone needs to know these well enough to recognize them when they occur.
Chapter 6. “Accurately Differentiating Danger.” This provides the framework to understand how the behaviors of groomers often vary from those whose conduct should not be worrisome. It points out that behavioral patterns of successful groomers vary significantly from those who are not child molesters.
Chapter 7. “A Framework for Understanding Child Sexual Abuse.” Using an iceberg as an analogy of the groomer’s behavior, this chapter gives information to the reader about how to expose the groomer’s operating strategies to protect children.
Chapter 8. “Interviewing Child Molesters.” This shows the reader that though groomers are incredibly successful liars, the lies they tell can be identified, and are often predictable. This allows the reader to be less gullible and better protect their children.
Chapter 9. “Predicting Risk.” This chapter deals with differentiating convicted offenders from the less to the more dangerous.
Chapter 10. “Incorporating Corroborating Evidence.” This chapter brings all the information together for both professionals and for families in ways to network in the community to protect our children from predators.
This book, in my opinion, is a must-have for anyone who wants to protect children, in their own home and in the community. While Dr. van Dam does not think that all pedophiles qualify as psychopaths, she does say that they “lack empathy, and experience no real remorse as shown by their actual behaviors.”
Although this book focuses on child molesters, many of the practices that the groomers use are familiar to some of us who have met sociopaths who looked like such “good people” and turned out to be such bad nightmares. The book may also be interesting to people who want to understand more about how a bad person can hide in plain sight.
To purchase the book, go to Amazon.com:
The Socially Skilled Child Molester: Differentiating the Guilty from the Falsely Accused.
jillsmith,
Yes it is! I hated that acceptable behavior and simply minded view about children.
PS. I need to do a better job at proofreading.
“I just so happy we are over the days where is was acceptable to believe “children should be seen and not heard.”
s/b
I just so happy we are over the days where “it” was acceptable to believe “children should be seen and not heard.”
Dear Jill,
I am so glad to hear a young mother who is so aware of boundaries and though you hav ebeen through a horrible trauma with your x (and are still reeling from the trauma) you are putting your CHILD’s welfare above all else. Teaching your son to have boundaries is I think the best thing that you could do for him.
Through the years I ahve encouraged new mothers to breast feed their infants, for many many reasons, nutrition being only one of the minor ones! Even working mothers with the right encouragement can successfully breast feed their infants but because most young mothers are not aware of this and have no one to encourage them to do so, few actually even try.
Early this afternoon one of my milk goats gave birth to very small twin kids. she came from a dairy where the babies were taken away immediately from the mothers and the babies were fed by bottle. though this mother goat has the instincts, she had enver had any practice with raising her babies, and took very little interest in licking them or even noticing them. My son and I had to bottle feed them their first milk in order to give them the strength they needed to get up and find their legs. Even animals who are not encouraged to nurture and feed their infants can lose the desire to do so in a “normal” way.
It wasn’t long, however, before the babies had their instincts to suck and stand working and the mother cooperated and was starting to take an interest in caring for her babies.
Teaching our young mothers to bond with and nurture their offspring (whether human or animal) is very important and I have seen the results in humans when this is not done by the overworked and over stressed health care staff in hospitals.
A mother who raises her baby on a bottle is NOT in my opinon a “bad mother” and I am not suggesting that she is, but I AM saying that the teaching of young mothers to nurture and bond with their babies is a thing that is neglected in health care IMHO and this should be stressed.
I am glad that you are getting this book, Jill, I think it should be “required reading” for all teachers, cops, parents, grandparents etc. it is a well written and good “heads up” for us all!@.......
at first, when this thread was posted, I did not know how it pertains to me. Now, I am more and more concerned and am going to buy the book, but wanted to know your (all) opinion.
my oversexed overage X put candy on my daughter’s pillow. I thought it was a bit odd, especially since he bought nothing for our son. I also have had multiple complaints from her that she was not comfortable with him around. Her teenage girlfriends refused to come to our home when X was there. But, how do you get the girls to talk? I have asked numerous times and they say, he looked at them like a “dog at a bone” or touched them weird. He has very blurred sense of boundaries when around others: thinks nothing of patting a cheek, or kissing a stranger kid’s head. I never thought of him as a molester though. Thoughts?
KATY: You have 15+ years of experience and training, why are you asking for our thoughts? He is a child molester, he touched them weird? He has a “blurred sense of boundaries when around others” What kind of BS is that? You are making excuses for him!!!!!!!!
My 15 years experience and training does not involve working with children and it does not involve working with molesters. I asked a question for my personal growth and am hoping to get a more friendly response. I like to learn and I believe in asking when I am lacking in knowledge.
BTW, Shabbychic, Looking Weird, putting candy on girl’s pillow and patting a cheek does not hold up in court. Since I am building a case, it would certainly be of benefit for me to know more.
Oxy,
It’s interesting that you should mention this nursing information. I think breastfeeding is very important for infants. My son is going to be 15 months old next week and I still breastfeed him. I think this bond is important for us. I’ve studied a lot about breastfeeding and there are so many ways that it helps the mother/infant bond. There are studies that show that a mother who breastfeeds sees things from her baby’s perspective more and actually feels more empathy for her infant. Additionally, the oxytocin that is released calms mothers and helps their natural maternal instincts kick in. I think I’m going to wean him now that I am realizing my ex-husband (P)may have put me at risk for an STD. I going to go get tested this week this week and I’m not going to wait to wean my little one for the results. It’s not worth putting him at risk.
Katya, he DOES SOUND LIKE a groomer, but that doesn’t mean he has actually DONE it with these girls, but their 6th senses are kicking in and I bett’ya he was definitely thinking about it and working on grooming them.
You may not have any ACTs to take to court and the pressure on the girls to “talk” might not produce any solid evidence. The fact that they were avoiding him probably means to me that they were heads up and nothing actually happened.
Congrratulate these girls for being heads up and tell them in the future to TELL someone when they feel this way. Their instincts are GOOD.
Jill, I agree that the bonds formed between mother and child with breast feeding are beyond compare….not that a mother who does not breast feed can’t bond with her infant, but IMHO breast feeding is under rated and it requires nurture and help from an older woman with experience for a mother to succeed. Since the 1940s breast feeding has been “out of style” and that is a long time (several generations in most families) and there is no mom or grandmom or great grandmom to instruct the young women.
Since even most nurses have not breast fed and I don’t think realize the importance of this source of bonding with infants nurses generally don’t have the qualifications to teach breast feeding.
Interestingly enough, i worked with a nurse once who thought breast feeding would RETARD an infant…..she even told a young mother I was instructing in breast feeding this very thing. I was LIVID!!!!
Many very young women (14-17) leave the hospital after giving birth without any real bond to their infant because there is not enough time for nursing staff to focus on this very important aspect of the birthing process. I have seen those infants come back into the hospital with ‘failure to thrive” syncrome from lack of cuddling and interaction from their young mothers. the rush to get mothers OUT of the hospital and home now so they don’t use up hospital space doesn’t leave much time for staff to nurture these young women and their babies and teach them what they need to know and may not have gotten from their own mothers. Especially in the teenaged years when these young women are not fully grown themselves.
At one point I wanted to be a midwife and did help get laws passed in Arkansas to allow legal practice of midwifery, but the liability (legally) and the insurance necessary to protect oneself from law suits is not only driving out physicians who deliver babies but also nurse-midwives, which I think is a terrible thing for both mothers and children. If any baby is born less than perfect, the physician or the midwife is too many times sued when there was nothing that they did that caused the “bad birth” but they are “blamed” anyway.
However, if I ahd known what I know now when my infants were born, I would have had them at home with a good midwife rather than in a hospital. I did however nurse my infants and am glad I did. In fact, I baby sat for one of my friend’s kids while she worked and nursed her infant as well as mine while she was at work (she nursed him in the evenings and early morning so I only had to feed him a couple of times during the day) but even without a wet nurse to keep a baby during the day, a working mother CAN nurse her infant without too much trouble.
Oxy,
I couldn’t agree with you more about what’s wrong with the birthing experience today. Have you read Ina May Gaskin’s Guide to Childbirth? It was an excellent book and it helped me to put my mind at ease while I was pregnant and scared of the birthing process. I think her farm might be in Arkansas.
I did some research and talked with my midwife and learned that the birth and labor itself can actually be quite triggering to abuse victims. I did my best to prepare ahead in case I was triggered by birth, which I was. I decided to have a doula, who ended up being an absolute angel. We did hypnobirthing and it helped with the pain. I also had an amazing midwife. I had so much support and it was all female support, even the nurses. It helped with my triggers. I felt incredibly safe and was so helped and treated with a lot of patience and kindness. I think it was good that we all built relationships of trust first and worked through possible scenarios before the birth. We were all on the same page. I really feel that this way of birthing was good for myself and for my baby. It ended up being an empowering experience and we made it through a very difficult delivery healthy.
Coincidentally, breastfeeding can also be triggering for abuse victims who suffer from PTSD from the abuse. It has to do with the physical closeness and the uncomfortable effect of the oxytocin release that happens for the milk letdown with women who have a strong letdown and large supply, which I do. I had a difficult time breastfeeding and my son and I really had to work at it.
Just as a disclaimer to all who read this: I by no means judge people who don’t breastfeed. Mothers and babies have many reasons for not breastfeeding and each pair has to do what’s right for them. It just was important to me to make it work for many reasons. Mostly, I wanted to be able to bond with my son in that way, as my baby’s grandma never bonded his dad (sperm donor) in any way. I think it’s extra important that my son has a strong bond and has all of his needs met very well because of who his dad is and the genetic implications that go along with that. I know that there are many different ways to create this bond with a baby. For me, breastfeeding helped facilitate this bond.
To be able to successfully breastfeed, I read a great book and exchanged emails with a woman who is a psychologist who also happens to be an expert on surivors of abuse and infant bonding, specifically breastfeeding. I also had a lactation consultant and went to LL meetings often. I’m happy that my son and I made breastfeeding work. It was worth it.
It sounds like you know a lot about all of this Oxy. I think you would have made an incredible midwife, especially considering how knowledgeable and compassionate you are. You’re a Lovefraud midwife, helping us all along our way of having our little new life babies. 😉
Dear Jill,
Thank you, sweetie, I’m still not sure what i want to “be when I grow up” I am only 62 so haven’t decided yet! LOL that was one of the nicest things about nursing I think is that you can still be a “nurse” but there are many different careers inside that field. I have done several of them, and learned from each one things I was able to use in the next “incarnation” in nursing. None of the knowledge I gained in any of the specialties was lost, I was always able to put it to use in the next one.
I’m one of those “jack-ie of all trades and expert in none” sort of person I guess. I know a little bit about a lot of things but can’t call myself an “expert” in any one field, even within nursing. I worked in advance practice in the rural health clinics and I loved it, because you were the “family doctor” type of practice, making home visits (house calls) in a period when there are only a few physicians that will actually make a house call left in the US. I have always felt very wholistic toward medicine and nursing and that the psychological part of the patient is freqently ignored by many physicians in favor of a technical view of medicine. Sometimes all the patient needs is a hand to hold, someone who cares and some teachaing and reassusrance, not another prescription. that’s hard to do in a “six minute office visit”—-but I am ALSO very glad that tyhere are physicians out there who CAN take care of the very technical aspects of things like heart transplants, etc. that I would have no idea of how to work with…..
I was fortunate that my supervising physician during my 10 yrs of family or college medicine practice was a caring and knowledgable man who understood the wholistic approach.