By Ox Drover
I recently read The Socially Skilled Child Molester: Differentiating the Guilty from the Falsely Accused, by Carla van Dam, Ph.D.
Carla van Dam, Ph.D., is a clinical and forensic psychologist who has practiced in the U.S. and Canada, and taught in several universities. She is well known in the community of those who focus on primary prevention strategies to help end child sexual abuse. One of her previous books was Identifying Child Molesters: Preventing Child Sexual Abuse by Recognizing the Patterns of Offenders.
Several of the reviews of this book pretty well sum up my opinion of this well-written book.
“The Socially Skilled Child Molester provides a thorough description of common types of child molesters, most importantly, distinguishing between ”˜grabbers’ and ”˜groomers.’” Kelly Simonson, Ph.D.
“A provocative analysis of four types of smarter, richer, socially skilled and often litigious offenders as opposed to the cruder, more frequently captured types. Such offenders, whom the author calls ”˜groomers,’ usually spend more time cultivating the good graces of family members, neighborhoods, and whole communities rather than selecting and seducing their victims. These offenders are usually regarded as upstanding pillars of the community, and include businessmen, priests, judges, coaches, teachers and volunteers”¦” Thomas R. O’Connor, Ph.D.
“Carla van Dam carefully describes the various child molesters who sit next to us in our churches and synagogues, go to the theater, and eat in the same restaurants with us. They continue to harm children because they fool us into thinking that such nice guys couldn’t do such a terrible thing.” Lenore E. Walker, Ed.D. (Dr. Walker was a pioneer in the defense of women who faced criminal charges for attacking their long-time abusers. Her books include The Battered Woman, The Battered Woman Syndrome, Handbook of Child Sexual Abuse, and Abused Women and Survivor Therapy.)
Having personally been well acquainted for a number of years with one of the most prolific child abusers, totaling over 1500 victims, Charles “Jackie” Walls, III, who is currently serving life without parole in Arkansas Department of Corrections, I know how easy it is for these “socially skilled” child molesters to pass for “upstanding citizens” in the community for decades, all the while doing damage to so many. Though I never liked Jackie because he was an obvious narcissistic creep, it never dawned on me, I never had the faintest inkling, that he was living this dual life of upstanding family man and Boy Scout volunteer of the year during the daytime, and monster at night.
Dr. van Dam’s book gives a clear and precise directions for spotting the warning signs in a predator who is socially skilled and highly thought of in the community, who presents himself as the “too good to be true” businessman, priest, rabbi, physician, nurse, volunteer, etc., who is too helpful, too private, too attentive to children, too touchy with children, too involved with image management, too one-sided in relationships, always giving, never taking, too opportunistic, too superficial, too prone to violate boundaries of personal space and privacy, too aggressive when confronted, too quick to drop friendships when children grow older, too likely to disappear when contact with children is denied, altogether too charming . . . and, too good to be true.
Dr. van Dam divides her book into 10 chapters, as follows:
Chapter 1. “Understanding the Problem” focuses on the fact that the “groomers,” as she calls them, are well-socialized child molesters and behave as if they were addicted to sexual contact with children.
Chapter 2. “Child Molesters in Their Natural Habitat” familiarizes readers with the operating styles of the groomers and allows them to notice the often-predictable practices so that readers can more effectively prevent child sexual abuse.
Chapter 3. “Current Practices” provides the reader with information on the inadequacies of the way child sexual abuse is addressed by communities.
Chapter 4. “Not All Child Molesters Are Alike.” This chapter gives a closer focus on the vocabulary used to describe sexual misconduct. Child molesters do much damage to children by first carefully grooming adults in order to gain access to children.
Chapter 5. “Common Misperceptions.” This chapter focuses on groomers’ excuses and explanations when their conduct is challenged. These are hackneyed clichés that are often misconstrued as sincere. Everyone needs to know these well enough to recognize them when they occur.
Chapter 6. “Accurately Differentiating Danger.” This provides the framework to understand how the behaviors of groomers often vary from those whose conduct should not be worrisome. It points out that behavioral patterns of successful groomers vary significantly from those who are not child molesters.
Chapter 7. “A Framework for Understanding Child Sexual Abuse.” Using an iceberg as an analogy of the groomer’s behavior, this chapter gives information to the reader about how to expose the groomer’s operating strategies to protect children.
Chapter 8. “Interviewing Child Molesters.” This shows the reader that though groomers are incredibly successful liars, the lies they tell can be identified, and are often predictable. This allows the reader to be less gullible and better protect their children.
Chapter 9. “Predicting Risk.” This chapter deals with differentiating convicted offenders from the less to the more dangerous.
Chapter 10. “Incorporating Corroborating Evidence.” This chapter brings all the information together for both professionals and for families in ways to network in the community to protect our children from predators.
This book, in my opinion, is a must-have for anyone who wants to protect children, in their own home and in the community. While Dr. van Dam does not think that all pedophiles qualify as psychopaths, she does say that they “lack empathy, and experience no real remorse as shown by their actual behaviors.”
Although this book focuses on child molesters, many of the practices that the groomers use are familiar to some of us who have met sociopaths who looked like such “good people” and turned out to be such bad nightmares. The book may also be interesting to people who want to understand more about how a bad person can hide in plain sight.
To purchase the book, go to Amazon.com:
The Socially Skilled Child Molester: Differentiating the Guilty from the Falsely Accused.
Katya,
I’ve dealt with these monsters from my conception, and their dupes who enable them, and only in the last couple of years have I gone NC with them ALL…only now am I icoming to peace with MY life, and not living their drama-rama.
I am not so arrogant any more that I think I can spot them 100% but they always leave a hint, I believe, and I am looking and SEEING, not excusing people’ who use and abuse others. I am “weeding my garden of life” of all the toxic weeds that have been growing there far too long. And better yet, my two wonderful sons are also learning to take a hoe and “chop the roe” free of weeds in their lives as well.
I realize that my own allowing of weeds to grow in my life has been an example for them. Not setting appropriate boundaries on my part has inhibited their learning as well. Now they too are learning to set appropriate boundaries.
I also realize my life’s mission is not to clean up the messes made by others, and not to keep the “secrets” of bad behavior on the part of others. I am a peace maker, NOT A “PEACE KEEPER.” The primary person I made peace for is ME.
I am learning to put myself first! It is only when we do that, I think, that we can truly give to others.
“I am a peace maker, NOT A “PEACE KEEPER.” The primary person I made peace for is ME.” Oxy, thank you for writing that!
The thing I’m struggling with the most is learning to take care of myself, so the things that I need to do to be independent — and not measure my self-worth by the approval I get from others when I meet their needs.
I don’t mean to be selfish, but I want to continue to develop healthy boundaries so that it’s me AND others that are my focus, and not just others with me left out. My assigned role in my family of origin was peacekeeper. Not good: my focus was always supposed to be on everyone else. It just doesn’t work! But peacemaker — that means I start with me, creating my own peace first.
I think the reason it’s so challenging is that it feels very strange and new, and stepping outside the old role of a lifetime is hard. But I’ve started to think of those old dysfunctional coping mechanisms as the target sign on my back for n/ps to aim at, and that, plus the sincere aspiration to create my own happiness, is pushing me forward.
Thanks to everybody for what you’re posting here! My family doesn’t get it, and you guys are helping me keep on course for healing!
Oxy,
(I am learning to put myself first! It is only when we do that, I think, that we can truly give to others)
I believe this is so true on so many other levels. Like to love another person one need to learn to love oneself.
Blueskies
Read your last post with sadness. My experience of an S was with an adult partner so the context was different to yours – that kind of betrayal (yours), I think, is somehow even worse (though I think the emotional pain we suffer is often very similar).
I think it’s human nature that we respond to those whose experiences are of a similar ilk because we can have genuine empathy for those experiences. When someone else’s experience are as yours, I always feel it would be a little condescending for me to profer advice or say ‘I know how you feel’ – I can only imagine that – so please don’t think you are being ignored or overlooked.
The devastation and exhaustion in the aftermath of a P/S/N in one’s life can be paralysing at times and here on LF, everyone seems to understand this – that’s why i hope you keep contributing and sharing with us – sometimes, someone whose experience has been wholly different to mine will say something and the ‘lightbulb’ goes on – it’s another little nuggat that helps me climb the ladder to healing my head, heart and soul.
For some people here, the healing will be a lifetime’s work, for others, they/we may move beyond the pain more quickly – we all need the understanding and empathy of each other to help in this process.
All love and good wishes to you.
Keep posting for strength.
Escapee, your post to Blueskies, was so right on! so compassionate and empathetic. I am so glad you are here with us on LF!
Betty and James, it took me a long time to realize that “peace KEEPING” was not the same as “peace MAKING” Im not even sure where the concept came from when it finally hit me, something someone here said, or a book, (CRS) I read, but the idea that I had to keep the family SECRETS so that the bad-guy wouldn’t suffer from HIS bad behavior, i.e. KEEP THE PEACE at ANY PRICE—-to myself of course, I was the one who paid the price. This is not a new concept that I developed in any way, it is the old enabler thing, I was required to enable the other person to keep on using me and others for a door mat and I didn’t want to confront their behavior and “upset” THEM! We had to PRETEND TO BE A NICE NORMAL FAMILY no matter what it took to cover up the family monster’s abusive/bad behavior.
In my generation and memory, it started with my egg donor’s brother, Uncle Monster, and went on until my P-son replaced Uncle Monster as the family bad boy. In fact, though, it has gone on through the generations that when I was doing genealogy I found out went in a straight line back to a man born in 1800 and even this man’s brother’s family. It has been passed on like a “family curse” both in genetics and in the “raising.”
The peace KEEPERS were expected to sacrifice themselves and their happiness and dignity on the alter of the Psychopath’s abuse and, above all else, KEEP THEIR MOUTHS SHUT.
I learned the concept of taking care of yourself first a long time ago, but didn’t put it into PRACTICE until recently when I realized I did not have to “walk on egg shells” to keep from “upsetting” those people who were using and abusing me. I FOUND I HAD OTHER OPTIONS—like kicking them out of my life altogether. Like standing up and saying, “this isn’t working for me.” Or, “I won’t sit still for that kind of behavior.”
Learning to set boundaries is a good thing. Of course, no matter HOW MANY boundaries you set for a P they will not respect ANY of them. Anyone who DOES CARE FOR YOU will respect your boundaries, but people who don’t respect your boundaries are NOT people you want in your life.
I realize that some people we work with, or do business with will not respect our boundaries and we don’t have th power to get them entirely out of our lives, “there is always one” no matter what group you are in, but in our personal life we don’t have to associate with these people. NC FOREVER!
I remember crying for three days last summer when I started to set some boundaries with some “long time friends” (a couple) who were abusing my hospitality and literally stealing from me. I went through the whole thing with my son D and asked him if my boundary was reasonable? Now, when I feel the need to set a boundary, I SET IT and move on. It is like the “training wheels” are off now and I am learning to set the boundaries…..seeing the NEED for a boundary is now when I feel an irritation or guilt or some little feeling, I don’t wait.
It may be as little as on eof my sons leaving something he has used out and not putting it back, so that it irritates me. I go to him and say “Son, I get irritated when you use my things and don’t put them back, would you please put away the things you use?” I don’t wait until the irritation has built lup and I “explode.” I keep it current.
Any time you set a boundary though, you must be willing to FOLLOW through with it and realize that the relationship may not survive if the other person is not willing to respect your boundaries. But at the same time, why would you want a relationship with someone who won’t respect your boundaries?
Oxy
Really need to get off this site and do my garden! But your posts have been fantastically helpful to me.
Quite apart from anything else, you make me laugh so much. I love ‘egg-donor- and Uncle Monster. Humour definitely helps me, at times, to get life in context. I think this is also a very healthy way of ‘diminishing’ their importance in our psyche.
Your ‘walking on eggshells’ comment really hit home with me. It turned me into a nervous wreck – all that second guessing about what would make him ‘kick off’ – and, as you’ll know, it changed from moment to moment.
Thanks.
Dear Escapee,
After going NC with my egg donor, I decided she had not been a “mother” to me, because that requires nurturing, not absolute control, and so yes, I came up with that term, as well as “Uncle Monster”—and he WAS THAT for sure! I think the term “mother” and “father” are titles that are EARNED not by donating an egg or sperm to a conception. My wonderful step-father was my “daddy” and he EARNED THAT TITLE completely with the love and approval and encouragement he gave to me, and he kept my egg donor off my back as much as he could, I realize in retrospect. So I did have ONE oarent though he was not biologically related to me. I will be forever grateful for his input into my life and in the woman I am today. He had a P-dar, and could pick out “toxic” people, and he was seldom wrong when he told me “honey, So-and-so ‘ just won’t do’ ” He might not be able to verbalize what it was about that person that made him “know” about that person as being toxic, but he sure had some kind of 6th sense. I really can’t remember a time he was wrong. If he decided someone was toxic he never trusted them again. I know he did not trust my P son, and yet, I kept up the malignant home, and once you had refused my dad’s “advice” about that person, he didn’t keep on “harping” about it—I wish he had done so mroe often and not quit harping, maybe I would have listened more. (and maybe not LOL!!!)
I;m glad my posts are helpfull to you, maybe it is an “ill wind that blows no one good” and by my experiences you can learn about protecting yourself more in the future. God alone knows how utterly UNAWARE I was of what was causing me so much pain, how I DENIED and EXCUSED those that would abuse me, how I “walked on egg shells” (don’t know where I got that phrase, but it was not original with me and is frequently quoted by former victims) to keep from “hurting their feelings” or exposing them for the MONSTERS they were/are.
Now, when I get the irritation of someone doing something that irritates me, I look to see first off if what they are doing is legitimately crossing a reasonable boundary, if it is, then I CONFRONT it head on….and I still have a way to go before I am “perfect” (like I would ever be!!!) with this, but I AM learning more and more….to confront things that people do to me, or around me, or messes that they leave for me to clean up. If upon examination, I find that I am picking up someone else’s “dirty laundry” (literally or figuratively) then I STOP, confront them, suggest that they clean up after themselves, and if they don’t, there will be consequences for THEM, not another job for ME. Even if that means that the relationship ENDS, I really haven’t lost anything if it does.
This is a totally NEW life style for me and looking at things differently than the way i was raised, so it is taking practice, and sometimes I fail at it, but i AM getting better at it. Requiring that others be responsible for themselves, and not making ME responsible for their problems. It doesn’t mean I can’t share or help, it just means that I am NOT RESPONSIBLE for others, and that there is reciprocity between friends, not “caretaking.”
Oxy
Can’t imagine what it must have been like to have your N/P/S be your own mother. I was blessed with mine and she was my rock (sadly lost her 7 years ago but she and her wisdom is alway in my heart) – makes me realise that, though, she left us relatively early, her strength and love are still my points of reference to this day. Always kind – always understanding. She, like you, had an alcoholic S as a husband and all his rotten family to contend with too – 9 of them and 8 out of 9 crazy alchies. They were a pretty cruel lot and nothing in her upbrining had prepared her for this (she called it the ‘Adam’s streak’ – his – and my surname – though no longer) – in the days before the terms sociopath I guess.
She once told me it took her till she was 52 till the ‘lightbulb’ finally went on and she left him. She had only 15 years of peace and 9 of them untangling the ‘mess’ via al-anon.
She always told me: ‘don’t waste it dolly – it’s precious and you need to be good to yourself’ – good advice I think. shame I lost my way a bit then……… all love to you for your posts – they reinforce all my lovely mammy taught me.
Thanks.
Great article Oxy. I will have to add this to my must read stack.. that is turning into a tower. I am a slow reader. :o(
Aloha
Hi everyone.
I want to start by thanking you ALL for your kind comments, and by apologising for disappearing like I have:(
Hyper-sensitive and overwhelmed are the perfect descriptions of my emotional state during the period leading up to and when I wrote that last post:(
I also think joy nailed it with this comment ‘feeling insecure and expecting criticism because we have been subjected to it for so long by our involvement with our abusers.’ Its not a good place to be.
I think I should also add isolated to the list. I am so sorry guys:(
Reading Shabby’s and kathy’s and Oxys and LTL’s and Rosa’s and Jane’s and EVERYONE’s responses made me break down in tears …and feel thoroughly pathetic for throwing my toys out of the push-chair like that:(xxx thank you all so much.
I felt/feel like I have fallen down another great big hole with my thinking:( There is so much coming up for me out of this, I am emotionally and physically exhausted. In realising that I have spent my whole life surrounded by abusers, who HAVE to go because they’re STILL at it… I have become terrified, terrified at the idea that I cant find ANYWHERE safe to ‘run to’ including psychologically, I just cant get my head around everything. I feel like a complete crazy and a completely pathetic victim.I’m having trouble separating all this stuff out.
Anyway, I am here and reading again and once again finding help and wisdom from you wonderful folk. I may not post, or if I do, may not get responses, but I am going to be here, not ‘flouncing’ off, but trying to help myself:)xxxxxxxxxx