Two young girls adopted by a loving British couple took after their criminal biological mother. For the adoptive parents, it was a disaster.
Read When Cherry adopted these ‘angelic’ sisters she thought a loving home would heal the wounds of their troubled past. how terrifyingly wrong she was, on DailyMail.co.uk.
Link supplied by a Lovefraud reader.
Skylar,
Thanks for defining “Reaction Formation.”
I think that I have been through that twice with two different men, both very attracted to me, but due to circumstances at that time, neither couldn’t move forward in a romantic relationship with me.
At the end, my relationships with both men deteriorated with them saying (more or less) that they couldn’t stand me, but I never believed a word of it from either of them. I was as frustated as they were because I knew no relationship could ever happen.
The attractions were definitely there, but it would have been wrong to have gotten involved. We knew that.
The best description that I could come up with what happened was “sour grapes,” but even that wasn’t accurate. “Unrequited love” wasn’t it either because the attraction was mutual.
Reaction formation is the best description I’ve come across that describes what went on.
I’m grateful for you telling us about it. It was validation for something that I have thought for a long time.
Thanks G1S – Yes on all 3. 10 minute monitored calls, that we all get to say yes or no to. Not bad.
I think it is almost safe to say that the next 7 years (until Grand is 18) the ball is in “our court”.
This whole Reaction Formation thing is really interesting, but makes me kind of sad because I have seen people doing it to each other who I now believe must really have had feelings for each other.
Grace and Louise,
It’s interesting to me as well. The spaths know they hate us and they are pretending to love us, so it isn’t exactly reaction formation. But their behavior is directly in response to those who love them, especially their mothers. So why is that? Could it be that they hate those they love, so they pretend to love them? WTF? I think I did a 360 degree turn.
There are so many types of defense mechanisms. I think spaths, being people of the lie, incorporate as many as they can into their twisted psyches.
My mother just about chokes on the words when she tries to convince me that she loves me. She goes through stages.
First, you can tell that she is forcing the words out. Then, it seems like she is practicing them in her mind. She repeats them softly and hesitantly, building up to finally saying, (complete with the phony, hurt tears,) “I love you. I don’t know why you think I don’t. I love you.”
At this point, I’m either close to gagging or livid, but since I’ve had no contact with her for four years now, I haven’t had to witness her forcing the words out in a long time.
It’s like the words are a new taste in her mouth. She doesn’t know what to make of them. She can’t identify the taste. She’s trying to put her finger on it.
All of which simply proves that the idea/concept is so foreign to her she has no clue what it is.
skylar:
Yep, a ton of defense mechanisms. That’s why they are so hard to figure out…everything is always the opposite. Well, actually, they are not hard to figure out at all…we can figure them out, but in the meantime, our heads are spinning around like Regan in the Exorcist.
Reaction Formation: interesting theory and perhaps, I would imagine, SOME people would fall into this category. I mean, after everything all of us have been through, we are certainly open minded enough to realize this could actually happen.
HOWEVER: there is a huge difference in ‘reaction’ vs. ‘choice’. They are people just like us. With choice. How can a psychopath, like the one who continues to stalk me, say: “I know I need help and I should get it but I don’t have time for reflection.”
HOW can you live without reflection? It helps mold us into the people we eventually become. But, we do have to be careful to try finding excuses for the devil.
The only thing you can do with the devil is get him away from you because the torment and torture continues until you learn to laugh at it and blow it away. Like spoons’ exploding smurf. hehe
I have read some amazing things here today. Just amazing. And, it has been so needed today. Today marks an anniversary date for him and yesterday was an anniversary date for him and I. I spent since yesterday morning in apprehension and in a state of ‘guard’ and was wondering when something would present itself on this day, if it didn’t happen yesterday.
Well, it happened today. Mind you, I have not seen “IT” for a year now. We have not spoken on the phone for nearly two years now. I blocked him from calling me two years ago and very recently REBLOCKED him from texting and/or emailing me and requested he cease all further communications with me…and despite the pleas to lift all restrictions, I have not done so and don’t intend to. When someone threatens to MURDER you, you don’t play around and take that chance anymore. You just don’t. Not unless you are ready to take that risk and that chance.
I can never have this person around me ever again.
In fact, some time it is difficult having anyone around me after all that. But, it’s interesting to share that I receive text messages from different ‘persona’s’. I know it is “IT”. I have been used to the patterns all this time. There are other ways to really PROVE it’s “IT” but that’s neither here nor there, the point I am trying to share is: who are these different persona’s? I heard from one earlier…suggesting I please contact them…it was an email that came right through to me! It was suggesting something only “IT” and “I” would speak and how we would speak it and the words used.
Many different persona’s I have seen over the years. MULTIPLE. And they can come out at any time, at any moment, any where, for any reason. I can’t have this around me.
I have been on NC and off NC FIVE TIMES, not counting this one. It has been almost 3 weeks NC this time. However, the stalking continues on. Intermittently…cruel, digging, ‘remember this’ kinds of things…like this ‘anonymous’ email was earlier. I KNOW about stalking…
::block:: ::delete::
9-1-1 works great too!
I am NOT ‘afraid’ of him and his threats anymore.
I stepped over that threshold which has held me captive for too long, a while back now. I AM ENTITLED TO LIVE UNINHIBITED. “I” am not the one living like a criminal without getting help.
Just sharing that there ARE people like this in our world.
We can let them RUIN our lives or we can defend ourselves. At this point of my life, I am choosing to defend myself. I am not changing one thing about my life. “IT” will.
Let the stalking continue as it has for all these years. Let all the lies and deceptions flow and let him follow his twisted path. There is nothing that can be done for these kinds of people and that is what is tearing us apart. WE COULD HAVE LOVED THEM!!!!! Don’t they know? But, honestly, that never has mattered to them. We were all ‘appliances’ and a way to get to the end result which is all about THEM and ONLY THEM. Don’t make that mistake of ‘re trusting’ the devil.
I don’t see psychopathy as a reaction defense mechanism, I see it the only way it can be seen: CHOICE. I am so sorry I have seen someone so ill and in need; but we all have to be responsible for ourselves in this life. IF NO BODY ELSE. Right? I can choose to shut the switch OFF on the ‘roadshow’, now…this is MY LIFE, NOT “IT’S”. ::delete:: ::block::
Dupey
PS: While these intrusions used to tear me up and send me climbing walls, I am finally to a point after five years, where I can laugh at them and brush them off. I am talking some very twisted stalking. Inconceivable.
skylar:
I actually am looking at this a different way. I see it as someone loving someone, but not wanting to admit those feelings, they treat them badly and say they hate them.
Louise,
Yes, I think that’s what the website is saying too. It’s not really about spaths, but about common defense mechanisms.
But according to the narcissist, Sam Vaknin, spaths are acting against a fear of being controlled. They see love as control, so they react with hate whenever they feel in danger of falling in love. This is all subconscious so they aren’t generally aware that the possibility of love is there. They actually feel real hatred.
Then the spath pretends to love those they feel hatred for. so then it becomes 360.
All of this is unproven AFAIK. I’m just astounded by the fact that even normal human beings can turn themselves inside out to such an extent.
Always hope,
I have a son in prison and if you’ve read this blog you know that several years ago he tried to have me killed.
Your son’s behavior sounds exactly like mine’s when mine started his acting out. And how other people looked at me was taht he came from a “broken home” and his mother just didn’t give any attention to him…..I loved your story about your BRo & sister in law taking him in and him tearing them a new one! My husband’s niece took my son in after he got out of prison the first time because no one gave him loving care and trust…he lived in her house 5 months after he got out before he went back to prison for murder….and hid the murder weapon under his bed in her house and called her son from jail to move it for him. Yep, those people who are “do gooders” for the poor mistreated and misunderstood children don’t do the kids any good or themselves any good either.
Glad you are here at Lovefraud, and I agree with you, you will have to cut him off, and unfortunately it is easier to do it sooner rather than later. Believe me I know, the longer you wait, the more it will hurt. God bless.