By | August 15, 2010 24 Comments

Bureaucrats say victim is too upset for counseling

A woman in England is brutally raped. She is diagnosed with PTSD. When she goes for counseling, she cries. And amazingly, because she cried, she is denied further counseling.

Read Rape victim is denied NHS counseling after officials rule ‘it might make her upset’ in

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Dear OxDrover,
That’s crazy and highly unacceptable what the stepmother did to those kids. My mother is a vixtim of abuse herself yet she continued the cycle. She used to beat on us when we were children. My aunts called the police one night.
I don’t know whether to call it a quits in my relationship with my little sister or to have more patience. My mother keeps pressuring her to allow me to hangout with her friends. I enjoy her friends. Now, one of her friends likes me a lot. Since I don’t have a phone in this foreign country, he calls her cell phone. Last night, I caught my little sister complaning (lying) to my mom that I waste her credits. Her phone system is sort of like a go-phone. The funny thing is the guy pays to call me, so it doesn’t affect her phone credits at all. I think she’s upset because I’m dating a lot these days. She has a boyfriend but still feels the need to flirt around. She thinks what I am doing is wrong because I’m dating more than one guy. This day and age, there’s a difference between dating and becoming boyfriend/ girlfriend. I don’t have a boyfriend but I’m talking to guys to see which will be a fit. But I think she’s mad because she didn’t get that opportunity. Yesterday night, I confronted her about talking about my personal business to my mom. The funny thing is she wants me to keep it a secret on who she is dating from my mom. I don’t think that its fair that she can talk about me behind my mother’s back but then expect me to keep her secrets. Especially keep the annoying things she does between her and I. She’s only two years younger than me and Ithink its about time she starts acting a little more mature.


KD: I agree with you. Most kids whi are abused are scared to death of what their parents will do. My mom used to threaten us if we tell the social worker what she did. She used to beat my younger sister with electrical cords just after she got in a fight with my grandmother or forgetting her eraser at school. My mother is even afraid now if I go to counseling or speak to others about what happened. My dad, the sociopath, is afraid of me speaking out that he even tries to paint a horrible picture to others he feels I’ve told about his character.

Ox Drover

Dear Hurtnomore,

When you are living in a dependent situation, where your shelter and support depends on others (your mother and/or father) it is difficult to defy them without adversely effecting yourself and your situation.

From the stories you have told about your family as a whole it sounds to me that the situation is dysfunctional in many MANY ways. YOur desire for friends, both male and female is a normal thing for your age, and troubles with your sister is also a normal experience for even a fairly functional family.

The “drama” of the interactions between your family members, your mother and your father and sibs and other family members, with each telling you how you “should” behave and so on is “drama.” Not healthy for your development.

However, just because we came from dysfunctional or even abusive backgrounds does not mean we have to choose to continue in this situation, or to continue to associate with the people who are or were abusive or controlling. There is also the aspect of culture involved as well as generic “dysfunction” as some cultures encourage this “drama” and adherence to various rules. Like some cultures the parents determine the marriage partner of the daughter with little or no input from the daughter’s desires. If someone tries to NOT be controlled by this cultural construct, the family may go into a tail spin and even perform an “honor killing” by killing the girl who resists.

So it is difficult to say what is culture and what is dysfunction. However, you do have a choice! When you are financially independent and on US soil, you can determine how you allow others to treat you. Or if you associate with them or not.

In cases of extreme abuse (like beating) even now, you have resources in the police.

It is tough to grow up in a household of drama but you are so close to being able to escape and make your own choices and decisions, so cultivate patience. (((Hugs))))


I do think people who have been abused are easier pickin’s for these predatory S-paths. I realize that was my downfall. I LOOKED for a great guy and he was. It was his role. ANd once things started downhill, I tried to FIX it, stayed wayyy too long b/c after a while, I was isolated and felt like what’s what point. No one ever wants me.

I am beyond him now. B/c I WANT ME.

I have lots of life philosophies. Regarding pubic abuse of other people, I call it “NOT ON MY WATCH”. I know my mom got away with stuff b/c no one, NO ONE, said NO or stop or what the hell are you doing?

I step in EVERY TIME. Not into danger, into being a witness. I will take a picture, write down license plates, TELL the perpetrator that I took a picture and have called the cops, etc….

I think if people realized they don’t have to actually physically get involved, that all they have to do is be a witness and TELL the abuser they are being watched, then the abuser won’t think it’s so okay to do.

As far as my s-path goes, he was ALL mental, emotional, verbal, financial, sexual…. NOTHING stopped him. But for others, yes, NOT ON MY WATCH.


Dear OxDrover,
I feel so different than my other siblings and my other family members. I’m not afraid to go get help or to write here whatever is going on. My other siblings except the youngest feels that they owe my family their time and resources. The fact that I cutoff and that I’m going to cutoff family members is in their mind out of the question. My mother and her side feel that I should be getting into fights or arguments. This whole mentality is to show that we are “strong”. I’m going away to college next week in another state. This is going to decrease the drama only cause I pay my own phone bill. So I’m not obligated to call every day. Next year I hope to gain scholarships and grants a lot more to weed out my dad in paying my tuition. But since I’m getting a campus job this also decreases my time dealing with my father. I’m going to college 4-5hrs away from home. As for my mom’s side the only ones I can handle are my grandmother and my mom’s stepdiblings. I can’t handle her two stepsisters. There’s so much to do at this particular college.

Ox Drover

Dear Hurtnomore,

I am so glad that you will be able to go to college and also glad that you will be quite a ways away from home and the drama.

Being sane in a world of insanity is difficult, but you can do it. I think you are very strong. We all had a lot to learn when we realized we were not the crazy ones. LOL So keep on learning and growing and reaching toward the sky! (((Hugs)))

ps.; what major course of study will you be studying?


Dear OxDrover,
I hope to really do well when I go away next week. I’m majoring in Human Service Studies. I really want to be a social worker particularly a family social worker or a child social worker. My parents fear that I will barely get paid with the major I chose.

Ox Drover

Dear Hurtnomore,

Well, that profession is not a high paying one, and jobs are usually for those with a master’s degree, but at the same time, MONEY IS NOT THE ONLY MOTIVATION FOR A JOB—if your job is only motivated by money, you will be very unhappy.

I think the course of study may help you mature and learn to take care of yourself, and also giving back to others is a good thing for us all. Personally having some of understanding of what a child who is abused feels like is also a good thing for a social worker as well.

I hope you enjoy your course work, make wonderful new friends, and start to experience your independence in adult life.

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