A woman in England is brutally raped. She is diagnosed with PTSD. When she goes for counseling, she cries. And amazingly, because she cried, she is denied further counseling.
Read Rape victim is denied NHS counseling after officials rule ‘it might make her upset’ in DailyMail.co.uk.
Link submitted by a Lovefraud reader.
Reminds me of the time we went on vacation to Seattle. We went across the bay to Victoria, B.C. I had rented a car and pulled up next to an attraction we wanted to see. There was a parking meter, so I pulled out some coins from my pocket which were not accepted. I asked a local woman why it would not work, and she replied, “do you have any Loonies”? I said, no. Then she asked, do you have any toonies? At this point everyone thought the world had gone crazy, but alas she gave us some as a gift to dumb visitors to a new country who didn’t bother to research this first. I was going to go even more crazy if they said the dollar bill was a “Tweety Bird”, or a “Foghorn Leghorn”.
So much is WRONG in our society and this is just another example of NOT helping the victim. Victims are commonly criticized for staying in a horrible situation and it’s typically attributed to the victim being fooled. I venture to say that’s rarely the truth. The victim knows when they are being abused and most who seek help, well, might have to wait a few weeks and they might get a few days help. In the meantime anyone trying to escape the grips of a sociopath knows they’re on their own and he/she is being terrorized with NO HELP from anyone. I say it is FEAR and LACK OF RESOURCES that keep victims involved with sociopaths. But of course, it’s just easier all the way around if no one actually believes me – then doing NOTHING to help makes sense.
Dear Deb, it is difficult to get help or to get validation for your pain, fear, or whatever you need. I read a book here about a woman who had been stalked for 40+ years (longest on record by FBI) she was beaten in the streets back when it was a “family dispute’ and even with her broken bones the cops wouldn’t drive her to the hospital, they were “not a taxi.”
It is finally coming to society’s notice that there IS ABUSE that is not just a “family dispute” but it is going to be another generation or two I think before it is addressed even in the USof A or Canada or UK as it should be.
I think there are various reasons people stay in abusive relationships, not having help and support is only one of them. Sometimes we are in Denial and keep thinking if we will just love them more they will change, or give them time…etc. many people here have looked back later and seen many different reasons we stayed, but most of us have also been invalidated by our family, friends, the sociopath themselves, cops, neighbors and even ourselves.
I’m glad you are here, LF is a great place for support and learning about them as well as about ourselves. Welcome! God bless.
Teacher123, you are so “loonie!” LOL ROTFLMAO You gave me a chuckle!
Hey my sista loonies or brudda toonies-
I watched tv night, it was the chinese news, in english. They were reporting about the big tech convention, basically all the things that an ipad could do. the teleprompter broke. he had to finish the IT report READING FROM A PRINTED PAPER. LMAO!!
Sorry for the irreverece Deb, had to get my giggle out of the way.
Deb,
Just my observation based on all too true experience.
I was a severely abused kid. Raped by my father at age 8, constantly beaten by my mother. People knew. NO one stepped in. Sometimes abused kids have NO social skills, they are angry, dirty, and definitely not cute. So no one wants to take that on. They prefer to pretend it’s not that bad for the kid, otherwise the Kid would holler right? Wrong. B/c it is normal or so shameful, that kid will protect their abusive parent against anyone who tries to help. Now THAT is the tragedy of society.
People rescue the cute puppy, not the ratty half starved mongrel. (with apologies to Oxdrover about rescue dogs. Truth is, my mom raised collies when I was young. when I was bad, very often after my beating, I got banished to sleep with the dogs. I never told her I LIKED it, that it wasn’t a punishment to me. THe dogs were sweet, loving, kept me warm, and none of them ever hurt or yelled at me. That is where I think I learned compassion b/c I became VERY protective of them.)
Dear KD,
I am so sorry that you experienced so much trauma at such a young age..but I am glad that you had the dogs for comfort. I understand I think what you mean too about people KNOWING and not “interfering” in another family’s “business.”
Around here I have heard stories of men who severely beat their wives with clubs, and the tale was told but no one took the man out behind the wood shed and showed him what it felt like to have a club taken to you. Some of the stories of direct abuse and abuse by neglect or laziness and poverty as a result of the man’s laziness, drinking etc. would curl your hair—just about as bad if not in some cases worse than anything I’ve read on LF, so you can only imagine how bad. AND NO ONE DID ANYTHING EXCEPT TALK ABOUT IT.
Actually there was the “rule of thumb” law in my state that said a man could use a stick on his wife as long as it was no bigger than his thumb in diameter. That isn’t just an old “wives tale.”
The stories of abuse of kids too was common.
Occasionally someone in more current times would be prosecuted. A man in this community who rented a house from me, actually my grandparents house after they died, was sent to the pen for incest with his 13 year old daughter.
There’s a new program on TV now called “what would you do?” and it is a candid camera type show, it shows people “in trouble” of some kind, and films what the people who walk by them on the street do or not do. It is interesting to see how people react. Some actually do stop and take protective or compassionate action toward the “abused” person….many do not.
I read a news article about some kids who were being beaten by the step mother as they drove down I-40 interstate highway. The oldest girl about 12-13 text her mother what was going on, and mom called the state troupers (several states away) and a cop caught the car with dad and step-monster in it, and the kids, bruised and bleeding…took the kids away from the adults, and called CPS in his state to get the kids until the mom could drive from her state to get them. CPS REFUSED to take the kids. It ended up the state trouper took them home with him until mom got there 16 hours later. I hope what ever social worker turned down those kids gets fired…someone’s butt need a hiding for that one!
Helping others actually gives our brains a shot of “feel good chemicals” but sometimes –for many reasons–people walk on by or don’t want to get involved, or are afraid to get involved.
I’m so sorry that you fell between the cracks and there was no adult there caring and compassionate enough to care for you. No child deserves to be treated like that. But the fact that you turned out well, with caring and compassion yourself, proves to me that people do have choices, and that no all children who are abused become abusers themselves. We can be better people and better parents than our parents were. God bless and give you peace. ((((Hugs))))
Dear OxDrover,
That’s crazy and highly unacceptable what the stepmother did to those kids. My mother is a vixtim of abuse herself yet she continued the cycle. She used to beat on us when we were children. My aunts called the police one night.
I don’t know whether to call it a quits in my relationship with my little sister or to have more patience. My mother keeps pressuring her to allow me to hangout with her friends. I enjoy her friends. Now, one of her friends likes me a lot. Since I don’t have a phone in this foreign country, he calls her cell phone. Last night, I caught my little sister complaning (lying) to my mom that I waste her credits. Her phone system is sort of like a go-phone. The funny thing is the guy pays to call me, so it doesn’t affect her phone credits at all. I think she’s upset because I’m dating a lot these days. She has a boyfriend but still feels the need to flirt around. She thinks what I am doing is wrong because I’m dating more than one guy. This day and age, there’s a difference between dating and becoming boyfriend/ girlfriend. I don’t have a boyfriend but I’m talking to guys to see which will be a fit. But I think she’s mad because she didn’t get that opportunity. Yesterday night, I confronted her about talking about my personal business to my mom. The funny thing is she wants me to keep it a secret on who she is dating from my mom. I don’t think that its fair that she can talk about me behind my mother’s back but then expect me to keep her secrets. Especially keep the annoying things she does between her and I. She’s only two years younger than me and Ithink its about time she starts acting a little more mature.
KD: I agree with you. Most kids whi are abused are scared to death of what their parents will do. My mom used to threaten us if we tell the social worker what she did. She used to beat my younger sister with electrical cords just after she got in a fight with my grandmother or forgetting her eraser at school. My mother is even afraid now if I go to counseling or speak to others about what happened. My dad, the sociopath, is afraid of me speaking out that he even tries to paint a horrible picture to others he feels I’ve told about his character.
Dear Hurtnomore,
When you are living in a dependent situation, where your shelter and support depends on others (your mother and/or father) it is difficult to defy them without adversely effecting yourself and your situation.
From the stories you have told about your family as a whole it sounds to me that the situation is dysfunctional in many MANY ways. YOur desire for friends, both male and female is a normal thing for your age, and troubles with your sister is also a normal experience for even a fairly functional family.
The “drama” of the interactions between your family members, your mother and your father and sibs and other family members, with each telling you how you “should” behave and so on is “drama.” Not healthy for your development.
However, just because we came from dysfunctional or even abusive backgrounds does not mean we have to choose to continue in this situation, or to continue to associate with the people who are or were abusive or controlling. There is also the aspect of culture involved as well as generic “dysfunction” as some cultures encourage this “drama” and adherence to various rules. Like some cultures the parents determine the marriage partner of the daughter with little or no input from the daughter’s desires. If someone tries to NOT be controlled by this cultural construct, the family may go into a tail spin and even perform an “honor killing” by killing the girl who resists.
So it is difficult to say what is culture and what is dysfunction. However, you do have a choice! When you are financially independent and on US soil, you can determine how you allow others to treat you. Or if you associate with them or not.
In cases of extreme abuse (like beating) even now, you have resources in the police.
It is tough to grow up in a household of drama but you are so close to being able to escape and make your own choices and decisions, so cultivate patience. (((Hugs))))
I do think people who have been abused are easier pickin’s for these predatory S-paths. I realize that was my downfall. I LOOKED for a great guy and he was. It was his role. ANd once things started downhill, I tried to FIX it, stayed wayyy too long b/c after a while, I was isolated and felt like what’s what point. No one ever wants me.
I am beyond him now. B/c I WANT ME.
I have lots of life philosophies. Regarding pubic abuse of other people, I call it “NOT ON MY WATCH”. I know my mom got away with stuff b/c no one, NO ONE, said NO or stop or what the hell are you doing?
I step in EVERY TIME. Not into danger, into being a witness. I will take a picture, write down license plates, TELL the perpetrator that I took a picture and have called the cops, etc….
I think if people realized they don’t have to actually physically get involved, that all they have to do is be a witness and TELL the abuser they are being watched, then the abuser won’t think it’s so okay to do.
As far as my s-path goes, he was ALL mental, emotional, verbal, financial, sexual…. NOTHING stopped him. But for others, yes, NOT ON MY WATCH.