This week while reflecting on the writings that most influenced my thinking about psychopathy/sociopathy, I received a letter from a mother of a five year-old boy whose father shows many signs of the disorder. She wrote:
Do you believe that children can show signs of being psychopathic? If so do you teach them to suppress the way they really feel by masking the problems with fake feelings? Can feelings of love really be learned? Just because someone on the outside appears like they have feelings does that mean inside they have actually changed? As you know they are good actors. The skill is learned very quickly to lie to blend in with the others. I bought your book off Amazon I should be getting it today. And i am also reading Dr. Hares book. I will try to look at your book some more today.
Shortly after my son’s father was arrested, I sat on my bed, with our seven month old baby asleep beside me, with the psychiatry DSM manual open to the page containing the criteria for “antisocial personality disorder”. I asked myself “do any of these criteria relate to common themes discussed in the child development literature.” I had to answer that question to know how best to mother my own child.
Interestingly, all the criteria mapped onto three developmentally acquired abilities: Ability to Love, Impulse Control, and Moral Reasoning. I then vowed I would read everything there was to read about each of these.
I started with Ability to Love. In my opinion the most important book about Ability to Love is Learning to Love by Harry Harlow, Ph.D. He is the scientist who demonstrated that a baby monkey clings to his mother out of pleasure in affection and “contact comfort” not because mother is a source of food. Prior to Dr. Harlow, scientists believed that the child learned to relate to his mother because she was associated with food.
The profound conclusion reached by Dr. Harlow’s research team is that babies are born to “learn to love” just like babies are born to learn language. We don’t come into the world talking but as our brains develop and we are exposed to language we learn to talk. Similarly, we don’t come into the world loving, but as our brains develop and we receive the right input we learn to love.
There are other interesting parallels between talking and loving including the observation that both are disordered in autism and both are influenced by genetics.
My world completely changed when I read page 44 of learning to love. It is on this page that Dr. Harlow discusses a very important developmental sequence. Ability to Love starts to develop before pleasure in aggression and competition sets in:
“The primary basis of aggression control is the formation of strong generalized bonds of peer love or affection… All primates, monkeys and men alike are born with aggressive potential, but aggression is a rather later maturing variable. It is obvious that a one year old suffers from fear and is terrified by maternal separation, but the child neither knows nor can express aggression at this tender age…This lack of aggression targets accounts in part for the fact that “evil emotion” culminates during the age-mate stage, long after peer affection and love have developed. It is the antecedent age-mate love that holds the fury of aggression within acceptable bounds for in group associates.”
Love starts to develop before aggression does, and has a head start in the race for the brain connections that form the basis of our values.
Now back to our 5 year old boy. I am very disturbed by the recent trend of referring to children as “psychopathic” in the scientific literature. Not that she does not describe symptoms of psychopathy, but to call a 5 year old psychopathic, negates the importance of learning to love and acts like it is an inborn ability.
I would say that this boy is learning disabled and requires extra help when it comes to learning to love. Just like speech therapy would help him if he couldn’t speak, love therapy will help him if he can’t love. Studies of autistic children show that a mother’s love makes a big differences for many severely affected children. Why shouldn’t we at least give this 5 year old the benefit of the doubt and give him love therapy.
Many studies show that the parents of at-risk children struggle with loving them. It is hard to love an impulsive child who goes after the cat with sharp tools. These parents are also harmed by suggestions that psychopathy is entirely genetic and firmly in place by age 3.
The focus on “discipline” also hurts these families because children need to learn to love. How can they learn to love if the people who are supposed to teach them are constantly yelling at them and scolding them or spanking them?
What is the answer?
An at-risk child is a full time job! Parents have to love that child 24/7 and not leave him alone to go to the kitchen to pick up the knife and go after the cat. Preventive positive parenting means waking up before the child, being there when he opens his eyes and saying, “I love you”. It means giving him hugs and kisses, playing and having fun together.
Thank you, Dr. Leedom.
I hope everyone with at risk kids find your work.
I find it absolutely heartbreaking when children are written-off.
Very true….
I knew something was wrong with my sons father when I was pregnant at 20-years-old. When I found out I was having a boy, I cried in fear, because I knew whatever was wrong with his father, it would be more prevalent in a male child. I gave my son tons of love and while he has some of his fathers personality traits I could certainly do without, inability to love, impulse control and a conscience don’t seem to be apparent at this time as he approaches 19.
When my son was just a year old, I was visiting with his fathers family on mothers day. My sons Aunt, his fathers sister, was there. She was with her 4-year-old son. Her 4-year-old wanted to be held by his mother, he was trying every-which-way to get close to her. She brushed him off on every single attempt, and finally, she just pushed her 4-year-old to the floor and yelled at him. I was appalled. That boy grew up to be closest to my sons father. He emulated him at all times. While this 4-year-old is now approaching 22, he has the same twisted mentality I have seen from the rest of the family. I stay away from him (the whole family really) because he has no respect for other people.
It also made me think of something else…..My sons father’s mother, (the original sociopath in the blood line as far as I can tell) she told me how she used to hug and kiss on my sons father all the time when he was little. When I spoke with my sons father about this he related that it bothered him because, he recounted that this was affection that was turned on and off. It was for company. He admitted that it was because he was thought of as a possession to be controlled. So, as an adult, when women wanted to hang on him, in public etc, he typically felt that it was a power play to control him, and therefore, did not participate in these displays of affection. (then again – a sociopath told me this story, so it could be a lie- LOL)
This is an illness with so many forks in the road that can’t be counted. Move too much this way and you bring out a personality trait. Too little and you get the whole shi-bang.
To be honest…until I see my son is a fully functioning and independent adult, I will have a bit of worry, a bit of fear every single day. I worry sometimes that there is a sociopath just beneath the surface that is hiding from sight. Wow….don’t feel much like a conveyor of hope…..I did the best I knew how…He is very sweet, very loving..he can’t even play mad – he can’t get that “acting skill’ out. He is as thoughtful as any other 18-year-old and just a nice kid. I think I did ok….but only time will tell.
Excellent post Dr. Leedom especially the “answer” part.
Dr. Leedom, this is a question that I struggle with. My P son seemed so loving and positive attention seeking, that compared to my ADHD child that I had to monitor carefully for his own safety, that I actually thought my (later to be shown Psychopathic) son was the “ideal child.” He was my “shining star.” Only at age 11 did I see what NOW would have been a “bad sign” when he stole something and even though the other child who was involved and that child’s parents and I confronted my P-son, he DENIED, DENIED, DENIED even in the face of total evidence, then became enraged that he had been punished, and ran away from home. When I brought him back home after several very worrisome hours, he looked at me with rage in his eyes and told me he would do it again and the he knew I couldn’t watch him 24/7. He was RIGHT, I couldn’t! Which terrified me.
After that though, he seemed to be back to his old “Peter perfect” self, never any trouble, did well in school, loved by his peers and his teachers, a “perfectly wonderful” child again. It was only in his teen aged years that he morphed into “Mr. Hyde” and started his criminal and violent activities. For a while he kept these activities secret from us but became enraged and violent when confronted with the truth of his activities.
I look back over my parenting, which was as a “single parent” part of the time, but at the same time, I realize that I put my parenting duties ahead of about anything else, including career, and my activities were “family oriented” with camping, and many many activities WITH my children. After my divorce even when I started dating it was a “family affair” and most “dates” were actually spent with my kids doing outdoor things along with my “date” or in group activities of adults with children.
What is totally confusing to me is how can a child that appeared to be so loving and kind and caring, suddenly morph into a monster at puberty? I’ve seen lots of kids who were simply “unbearable” during their teen aged years but it DIDN’T last long. I laugh now, looking back at my next door neighbor’s son who at 11 was my favorite kid in the neighborhood, he was WONDERFUL, but at 15 I wanted to strangle the narcissistic and egocentric little twirp! (so did his very patient mother, too!) LOL But by the time he was 18, he was back to “human” again and is today a wonderful example of a family man. I actually thought that my P-son was just pulling a “Richard” and would (if I could be patient enough and keep him from doing something horrible and life-ruining before he reached adulthood,) be fine. But by the time he was 17 he had a criminal record, and by 18 was in prison for a felony. Within 5 months of his release on parole, he was back in prison (like the old C&W song “he turned 21 in prison”) for murder and is there today. (18 1/2 years in prison this time). Before I went NC with him a few years ago he was in the “craft shop” and is an expert boot maker (some of his hand made western boots sold for $2500 a pair) He made me a pair of boots for Christmas and on the back of the shafts in red snake skin, inlaid, it says “Mama” on one boot and “tried” on the other. LOL His little bit of gallows humor.
I wish I knew the answer to the question — I have seen ten year olds that were so “conduct disordered” that I think they were out of the realm of “savable” even with good therapy. So where the point is that there is no more “hope” for these children is—where the inability to absorb love begins or ends, I don’t know. I do know that if a child doesn’t receive bonding and nurturing (any child) that at some point it is like their ability to “absorb” it is turned off. Just like if a baby lamb doesn’t get colostrum by 36 hours, the stomach is no longer able to absorb the immune globulin, and it will die because it has no immunity without the immune globulin from it’s mother’s first milk.
As someone who has been around a child with sociopathic tendencies who had a clueless family, I’m glad to read that this mother is not clueless. At least she is considering the possibility her child is at risk of developing a character disorder.
I suggest the woman base her expectations of the child on behaviors. She should not judge her child and find him/her wanting based on what she imagines the child feels or does not feel. We cannot know with any degree of certainty what anyone feels. It’s evil to discount someone’s feelings, just because we are so arrogant that we imagine we KNOW they don’t have them. (I’ve got a hearing impaired child. An amazing number of adult educators have treated him like dirt because they “KNEW” he was autistic and people didn’t matter to him. They were dead wrong. There’s nothing wrong with the boy’s brains or his emotions, just his ears.)
If the parents and cargivers would kindly state their objectives for the child in REAL, TANGIBLE behaviors, then they could formulate an appropriate plan to alter the child’s behavior.
I suggest a system of clear communication, firm boundaries and consistent rewards. These tactics almost always work.
Oxy-
Your story has taught me a great deal and is supported by some recent studies. These studies show that sociopathy/psychopathy can develop at puberty and also the late teen years. Although children who develop the disorder prior to age 10 usually do worse, severe sociopathy is also seen in people who developed the disorder later.
I think that “Ability to Love” can be lost at almost any age if a person becomes preoccupied with drugs or antisocial activities. Even an “addiction” like work can negatively impact a persons love relationships. I am not saying that “workaholics” are sociopaths. But I am saying that it is important for all of use to practice being loving.
E. Conley- You are correct the techniques you mention help children learn impulse control and morality. However, these techniques alone do not prevent sociopathy. These techniques work best when parents also spend time loving and playing with their children. Without daily loving time kids can’t learn to love.
Dr. Leedom, if someone needs to be told to spend time showing affection and playing with their children, I doubt there’s much hope. The idea it needs to be said at all simply boggles my mind.
I don’t agree that love is only an emotion. I think it’s also a way of behaving. The woman is worrying about what cannot be measured or controlled, the child’s feelings, when she should be concerned about what she can measure and alter, the child’s behavior.
Just as bravery is doing the right thing in spite of being afraid, the highest expressions of love involve sacrifice for the well being of others when feelings of love are not present to make the acts easier.
If this woman is going to deny the value of what the child does, because of her subjective opinions about the child’s inner life, I don’t see a good outcome here. The potential for harm here is unacceptably high.
I cannot say with sufficient vehemence that discounting the emotions of a child is a grave attack on the child’s sanity. This idea of valuing what she imagines she knows, the child’s feelings, over what she can observe, the child’s behavior, makes absolutely no sense.
If it were practical to value the child’s unknown emotions over the child’s observable behavior, than it would be sufficient for the woman to sit around at a distance “feeling love”, without ever expressing her love to the child in word or deed.
The child smiles and gives his/her mother a hug. The woman responds….
How does she respond, doubting the child’s sincerity as she apparently does? If she responds lovingly, is she modeling sincerity? If she responds punitively to correct what she perceives as the child’s insincerity, is she correct in presuming maternal omniscience, or is she being abusively capricious?
Just as this woman’s love will not effect her child unless she puts it into action, this child’s emotional life cannot be nurtured unless significant value is placed on how the child behaves, rather than how the mother imagines the child feels.
This lady’s imagination cannot be allowed to trump any and all attempts the child makes to please.
Dear Dr. Leedom,
Thank you for your response. I sit here and still, after over two decades of “wondering,” still shake my head and wonder, “what the heck happened?” I’ve been close to so many teenagers that when they had hit puberty (or as my step father would have said, “fool’s hill”) were simply “insufferable” for several years. Yet those same “insufferable” teenagers became wonderful adults in only a few years. I’ve seen children who were horribly abused become loving adults, and I’ve seen children “well parented” who became criminals (not just my own son).
The more I look at parenting styles the more I come to the conclusion that so much of what a person “becomes” is determined by something we don’t know what it is. Even the “best” of parenting doesn’t guarentee a “good” outcome and even the “worst” of parenting doesn’t guarentee a “bad” outcome.
Thanks again, Dr. Leedom for your support. God bless you!
Elizabeth: I was involved with a man whose behavior was very correct. He was loving, kind, and upstanding citizen. He was ambitious, but he was a spiritual leader, working in a 12-step program. He wanted to help others, and he encouraged me to help others by employing the skilled, but struggling, people in the 12-step program. He was a loving father who had been blindsided by the divorce papers from his unloving wife.
HE WAS A CON MAN!!!!! His behavior was perfect. HE WAS A CON MAN WHO TOOK EVERYTHING I HAD including what I didn’t even know I had to lose. THE WHOLE TIME WAS A COMPLETE CHARADE!!!
You say, “I suggest a system of clear communication, firm boundaries and consistent rewards. These tactics almost always work.” NO THEY DON’T!!!
(I AM SCREAMING!!! because this is wise and obvious counsel that is correct UNLESS YOU ARE DEALING WITH A CERTAIN MINORITY OF THE POPULATION THAT IS PROFOUNDLY DANGEROUS!!!! I KNOW!!! I have several examples. One I knew as a child.
Those tactics are very effective for teaching a pathological liar how to more effectively CON PEOPLE!!! And traditional discipline, with a psychopathic individual, may create further obstinacy or a quiet plan to later take REVENGE!!!
Not every psychopath is a nasty, violent, verbally or emotionally abusive individual. THE LONG CON LOOKS VERY DIFFERENT!!!
Take a look again at Oxy’s story — her P son turned back into “the model boy” for awhile, before he showed his true self.
I’ll just bet that Oxy did all the loving parenting things you would expect, including discipline, regularity, limits and love. For all we know, her tactics saved her other children, but couldn’t save that one.
I don’t deny the value of the traditional wisdom, but that is not all there is to this.
Oxy, we share some similar pain. My heart goes out to you.
Rune,
I think Oxy hit it on the head when she said:
Even the “best” of parenting doesn’t guarentee a “good” outcome and even the “worst” of parenting doesn’t guarentee a “bad” outcome.
The hard truth is that there is no one strategy or tactic that works. Every single situation is unique. Your example shows that even people that know or are “educated” about psychopaths can still be taken in by them because they usually do not show up as psychopaths until later.
I would also want to say that there are differences when talking about an adult to an adult relationship and a parent to a child relationship, especially when talking about a 5 year old. If someone assumes a child is psychopathic and treats them that way it can lead to them having all sorts of issues.
And when EC said:
Just as this woman’s love will not effect her child unless she puts it into action, this child’s emotional life cannot be nurtured unless significant value is placed on how the child behaves, rather than how the mother imagines the child feels.
This lady’s imagination cannot be allowed to trump any and all attempts the child makes to please.
She was absolutely right. And the system she spoke of in regards to using it for raising a 5 year old child are correct as well.