This week while reflecting on the writings that most influenced my thinking about psychopathy/sociopathy, I received a letter from a mother of a five year-old boy whose father shows many signs of the disorder. She wrote:
Do you believe that children can show signs of being psychopathic? If so do you teach them to suppress the way they really feel by masking the problems with fake feelings? Can feelings of love really be learned? Just because someone on the outside appears like they have feelings does that mean inside they have actually changed? As you know they are good actors. The skill is learned very quickly to lie to blend in with the others. I bought your book off Amazon I should be getting it today. And i am also reading Dr. Hares book. I will try to look at your book some more today.
Shortly after my son’s father was arrested, I sat on my bed, with our seven month old baby asleep beside me, with the psychiatry DSM manual open to the page containing the criteria for “antisocial personality disorder”. I asked myself “do any of these criteria relate to common themes discussed in the child development literature.” I had to answer that question to know how best to mother my own child.
Interestingly, all the criteria mapped onto three developmentally acquired abilities: Ability to Love, Impulse Control, and Moral Reasoning. I then vowed I would read everything there was to read about each of these.
I started with Ability to Love. In my opinion the most important book about Ability to Love is Learning to Love by Harry Harlow, Ph.D. He is the scientist who demonstrated that a baby monkey clings to his mother out of pleasure in affection and “contact comfort” not because mother is a source of food. Prior to Dr. Harlow, scientists believed that the child learned to relate to his mother because she was associated with food.
The profound conclusion reached by Dr. Harlow’s research team is that babies are born to “learn to love” just like babies are born to learn language. We don’t come into the world talking but as our brains develop and we are exposed to language we learn to talk. Similarly, we don’t come into the world loving, but as our brains develop and we receive the right input we learn to love.
There are other interesting parallels between talking and loving including the observation that both are disordered in autism and both are influenced by genetics.
My world completely changed when I read page 44 of learning to love. It is on this page that Dr. Harlow discusses a very important developmental sequence. Ability to Love starts to develop before pleasure in aggression and competition sets in:
“The primary basis of aggression control is the formation of strong generalized bonds of peer love or affection… All primates, monkeys and men alike are born with aggressive potential, but aggression is a rather later maturing variable. It is obvious that a one year old suffers from fear and is terrified by maternal separation, but the child neither knows nor can express aggression at this tender age…This lack of aggression targets accounts in part for the fact that “evil emotion” culminates during the age-mate stage, long after peer affection and love have developed. It is the antecedent age-mate love that holds the fury of aggression within acceptable bounds for in group associates.”
Love starts to develop before aggression does, and has a head start in the race for the brain connections that form the basis of our values.
Now back to our 5 year old boy. I am very disturbed by the recent trend of referring to children as “psychopathic” in the scientific literature. Not that she does not describe symptoms of psychopathy, but to call a 5 year old psychopathic, negates the importance of learning to love and acts like it is an inborn ability.
I would say that this boy is learning disabled and requires extra help when it comes to learning to love. Just like speech therapy would help him if he couldn’t speak, love therapy will help him if he can’t love. Studies of autistic children show that a mother’s love makes a big differences for many severely affected children. Why shouldn’t we at least give this 5 year old the benefit of the doubt and give him love therapy.
Many studies show that the parents of at-risk children struggle with loving them. It is hard to love an impulsive child who goes after the cat with sharp tools. These parents are also harmed by suggestions that psychopathy is entirely genetic and firmly in place by age 3.
The focus on “discipline” also hurts these families because children need to learn to love. How can they learn to love if the people who are supposed to teach them are constantly yelling at them and scolding them or spanking them?
What is the answer?
An at-risk child is a full time job! Parents have to love that child 24/7 and not leave him alone to go to the kitchen to pick up the knife and go after the cat. Preventive positive parenting means waking up before the child, being there when he opens his eyes and saying, “I love you”. It means giving him hugs and kisses, playing and having fun together.
Jill,
I was offline for a while and didn’t get back til now.
ok, I know it’s tough. but you’ve read the books about Ps right? you read “why is it always about you?”
You are an intelligent, resourceful woman. You have the internet. You have LF. You will resolve this with your intellect and your empathy. You have time, he is only a baby. Don’t spoil him. He must face reality, just like you – but love him always. God has his plan for us, it just isn’t always easy but it’s not up to us to decide, because we are ignorant compared to God. Trust God and experience gratitude every moment that you can. All this difficult stuff is there to make us better people – not people who give up.
and stop thinking about the P. its not about him.
Do not give up because we love you and we are counting on you to be with us. you know i’m not saying that just to say it. You know it’s true because you are just like us. You feel what we feel – empathy. You are one of us. The special ones.
Gee thanks skylar
Dear Jillsmith,
Your post made me cry….I mean, it really touched my heart.
The MOST important thing you can do for your baby right now is be KIND to yourself. I can FEEL your pain as if we were in the same room speaking to one another, rather than just reading words on a screen.
You are all alone and sometimes being alone and feeling overwhelmed, is a very difficult thing. It is like a vicious cycle. Just being a single mom can be overwhelming, and you have no family to help you.
Some how, some way, you need to find a safe place to fall. You need someone you can trust in your life. Cutting all contact with your family, church and your X, is ALOT to handle all at once.
Even if you have to “donate” your time to lets say visiting an elderly house bound widow, if you could make a connection with someone, (also in need) that is lonely to. Just a place to pack up the baby for the afternoon and go for a visit. And get out of the house. A DO good, feels good, kind of thing.
It is very important I think for your baby to have interactions with other people besides yourself. Not even just interactions but develop relationships as well. Because you don’t have that extended family, that is where I came up with the elderly lady visits….Maybe a dumb idea, but if you found the “right” person, it could be a good thing for all involved. Her (shes lonely to) you, and your baby. A “grandma” type figure.
Maybe others here could also extend you some ideas on that as well. My point though is to find someone in your community that you CAN trust and allow “into” your lives.
As for your fear of what you might see in your baby that isn’t “right”, this is something that seems even more overwhelming because you are dealing with everything ALONE. As hard as it might be to do, it would be best if you wouldn’t dwell on such thoughts. Those kind of thoughts are fear provoking for you. And more fear, you don’t need.
Dwell on what you see is “right” with him. When he giggles, his innocence.
It is hard to see the light of day when you have a colicky baby. And constant crying creates stress.
So it all goes back to being KIND to yourself. De stressing yourself as much as possible.
Know that you are only HUMAN and you can only do what you can do. Being loving and patient with him, is a wonderful start. But again, ALLOW him to have interactions with others, besides yourself, other relationships. Some interaction with babys his own age as he is growing up. Babys learn from each other sometimes.
You are filled with anxiety from going through what you went through. Do all that you have been doing to try and get your anxiety level down. The less anxiety you have the better. Maybe you might even need medication to help with that. I HATE taking medications but several years ago I experienced panic attacks, and I had developed such a deep fear of the panic attacks that I finally took the meds. They helped. Do EVERYTHING you can do for yourself to feel better.
I think the most IMPORTANT thing you can do for your baby right now is to be in the moment. ENJOY the small stuff when it happens. Take ONE day at a time. And if that seems to overwhelming then break it down to ONE hour at a time.
As hard as it all seems right now, please cut yourself some slack. Rest as much as you can even if you have to take a nap when he is taking a nap. Forget about the housework. Or whatever other “pressing” stuff you think you should be doing.
You do need a break. 24/7 is not healthy for him anymore than it is healthy for you. This might be the biggest challenge you face, right in the here and now. BUT I think you have got to face this one. He needs to be able to cope with being apart from you before he is of school age. And you need to be able to cope with that as well. I know it is hard for you to trust someone but I think this is important. Maybe if you got to know some other mothers….Maybe in your group? Or at the park, meet some young mothers such as yourself, get to know them? Trade babysitting? Something. Maybe you can ask your therapist about this particular issue. To help you explore ideas that you would be comfortable with?
Everything in life is about balance. And raising children is to.
You are a great MOM! And you wouldn’t dream of neglecting him. But….
Over protecting him is not in his best interest either. Your X isolated you in a terrible way. That was awful for you. And you have every reason to have trust issues because of this. But the last thing in the world you want to do is isolate yourself and your baby now. There are good trustworthy people out there.
Take CARE of yourself. That is your only assurance that you will be able to be “the best that you can be”.
xoxoxox
Dear dear Jill,
I think witsend is right, she focused on your son’s needs, and he does need interactions with others.
Several days ago you asked if YOUR stress was effecting him, and I did NOT at that time realize the EXTENT of his “reaction” that you were talking about. For some reason too, I thought he was about 13 months old (that number was stuck in my head)
You also mentioned that various of your neighbors pound on their floors when your child cries, which I am sure is a stressor for you as well, so it sounds like your living situation is not conducive to peace and quiet. It also makes me think that you are not on good terms or friendly with your neighbors. Years ago I lived in an apartment where the people above me used to dump the ashes of therir BBQ on my patio, and I felt helpless and attacked there. They thought it was funny. If you are living in a place you do not feel safe and peaceful, at 17 months old, your son may actually be experiencing some of your stress and or fear, plus, your ability to differentiate his moods may be impaired because of your stress level.
Darling, your stress/worry/fatigue level seems OVER THE TOP, and also very understandable given what you have been through, and the feelings of safety you have lost. Then to have to live in a place where you are at “war” with your neighbors (and especially given the reason) plus worrying about your son…..and ALONE in the worst sense of the word (not being able to trust) Oh, Jill, my heart goes out to you, sweetie. My prayers for your peace….and yet you are so kind and giving you wanted to go to help Lily, but my suggestion is for you to PUT YOURSELF FIRST…..NOT your son, put YOURSELF first, because if you don’t take care of YOU, how can you take care of HIM? He needs you to take care of YOU. He needs you to feel safe so he can feel safe. If you don’t take care of YOU, how can you take care of him? All my prayers for you dear Jill and a big ((((Hug))))
Jill,xxxx I echo everyone here, and send you lots of hugs.
I want to say ‘I know how you feel’, having been through the ringer as a mother with my son(he has mid ADHD but we have everything pretty much under control between us now and he’s FABULOUS!…if not a little ‘springy’) but I think it sounds trite.:(
Rest is so important, looking after yourself is so important right now.
Reaching out to someone who can give you some respite is important to try.
I know it seems almost impossible; I remember sitting crying on a pile of smashed up toys at 1.00am with work at 6.00am every night, just in despair…but not knowing how to or maybe not wanting to get help for fear of losing control, or anyone ‘hurting’ my son, or seeing that I wasnt coping. I was also almost too exhausted to find help anyway… I find it very difficult to reach out for help generally.
Meeting other mothers and allowing myself some slack really helped… there are ‘mom groups’ on line that can be a really good start…just to chat and get support and encouragement.
I know that right now you probably feel like you dont have the energy to make ANY changes, or reach out and find someone you trust, but you will find it.xxx
the advice above from sky, oxy and witsend is great, particularly cutting yourself some slack, doing everything you can to make things good for you… and then maybe thinking about ways to get outside help that you would be comfortable with.xx
Much love:)xx
Sadly: I can comment on this with experience. My son has two sons: polar opposites. The first one is a great kid, smart, loving, caring, thoughtful, very sensitive, wants to please, just a wonderful person …always has been. The second one: cruel, unloving, very manipulative, plays major head games, rebellious, tortures animals, VERY INTELLIGENT, impulsive, risk taker, does not respond to ANY type of correction [and my son has tried it all]. This child was this way from the time he could talk. School has been a nightmare…while he is gifted and very intelligent–his behavior is so out of control he always is isolated from the other children seated close to the teachers so he can be watched. My son said he went for a parent/teacher conference and it just broke his heart to see his son seated away from the kids and having to be watched over to keep him from injuring a kid or disrupting class [which he still does]. He is very sexually aware and he is not exposed to bad behavior. He is so bad….he blows my nerves in less than five minutes. He tries literally to kill my little granddaughter. To give you an example this kid is less than ten years old now. Two years ago my little gd fell and had to have two staples put in her little head…[broke my heart!] and he saw them…focused immediately on them…ran to get a large magnet he had and was going to pull them out …you should have seen his face….it was lit up with some sort of dark delight. My son in law….caught him before I did…and told him: “Don’t even think about it!” He looked very disappointed rather than being embarrassed or upset he had been busted. He tries to severely injure my little gd constantly. He tortures their dogs by trying to suffocate them. He pulls wings off insects and laughs when they cannot fly. He pulls legs off live frogs in front of the family and laughs hysterically when we all freak. His mother covers for him and my son is left trying to control him. Once we went to a field of flowers for Easter and this kid kept trying to run into oncoming traffic [he’s five years old…old enough to know better]. Of course, once my son backs off and does not try to restrain him….he stopped the behavior. He’s OCD to the point of driving anyone around him nuts. We all have tried extra hard to love him and try to understand what his needs are. {I confess now to having backed off and I more or less leave him alone…I no longer have time for nor tolerate cruel behavior..so my patience here are gone] He is loved by everyone and even both my daughters have tried for years to show him extra love with nothing but a patent response as if he is coached in how to verbalize love w/o any real empathy. My son is totally blown over this kid and cannot understand why he is this way or how. Even the older boy has to take a backseat to this kid…because the whole family has to revolve around him to keep him from burning the house down.
You said it TB, “the whole family has to revolve around him.”
He will do whatever it takes to keep that going. You will also notice it gets worse when another family member has a crisis or a birthday or any sort of need for attention.
When my p-sister and I were in a car accident many years ago, we were both hospitalized with severe injuries – (no seatbelts) and my parents came to the hospital to see us. My P-brother immediately started calling the hospital with temper tantrums (he was 19) and acting like he was mentally unhinged or suicidal.
He just couldn’t stand the idea of anyone else but him needing attention. At the time he was living in my parents home, virtually isolated in the basement -by choice. But that was irrelevant, he just didn’t like anyone else to have any drama, just him.
I read once that the key is to only pay attention to the good behavior so that you can train them with the “attention reward.” It’s really hard because the bad behavior is sooooo bad and the good behavior is few and far between. But I guess the key is to train yourself first and never slip up. You must make a big deal over every little good thing and pay no attention to the bad stuff.
I don’t know if it will work in the long run because it’s not normal, but maybe it’s better than what is happening right now.
sky: we have tried paying attention to the good and ignoring the bad…but it is impossible. The bad involves life/death/fire/etc and this kid will just act out worse/worse/worse till he hits a button because we cannot let him kill my gd, a neighborhood kid or the dog or play with knives etc. We are all holding our breath for when he hits the teen years. I confess my older daughter and I desperately once made the comment that we had all better start saving our money to try to bail him out of jail. I hope it does not come to this….but I can tell you….it’s my belief this kid can be very dangerous and age is not giving him any mellowing. When he was four years old he tore a little two years old’s arm completely out of socket by trying to grab her from her father’s arms…because he WANTED her to be his. They had to take her to the ER and she had to have long treatment.
TB,
I never said it would be EASY!
I know, you would almost have to put him in a padded room and keep him there for 5 years so you could implement the strategy.
I found this fascinating description.
http://braceanalysis.com/faq4/type_b_characteristics.htm
It came from here:
http://www.braceanalysis.com/faq.html
supposedly, they treat the P’s? He works with criminals in institutionalized settings.
Sky: “didn’t like anyone else to have any drama, just him.”
You so correct. And this kid was always this way. Once at a ballgame he focused on his cousins girlfriend and started crawling all over her [she had on a plunging neckline]. My son was horrified and tried to restrain him over and over. Finally had to physically take him off her and remove him. As he was leaving the girl said: “What are you teaching him?” My son blushed and replied: “Nothing…he’s always been this way and we do NOT know how.” This is just a minor issue…involving embarrassment. Most of the time it involves injury or worse. I suggested they put into organized sports [ Lord help us] and actually he has done well in soccer. He’s the lead player..scores most all of the goals and is in demand on teams. They constantly have to monitor him tho-he has been known to kick kids if he is thwarted. He does well in karate having only so far, knocked one kid out…and I think injured two others. And he’s not a big kid…skinny and smaller.