This week while reflecting on the writings that most influenced my thinking about psychopathy/sociopathy, I received a letter from a mother of a five year-old boy whose father shows many signs of the disorder. She wrote:
Do you believe that children can show signs of being psychopathic? If so do you teach them to suppress the way they really feel by masking the problems with fake feelings? Can feelings of love really be learned? Just because someone on the outside appears like they have feelings does that mean inside they have actually changed? As you know they are good actors. The skill is learned very quickly to lie to blend in with the others. I bought your book off Amazon I should be getting it today. And i am also reading Dr. Hares book. I will try to look at your book some more today.
Shortly after my son’s father was arrested, I sat on my bed, with our seven month old baby asleep beside me, with the psychiatry DSM manual open to the page containing the criteria for “antisocial personality disorder”. I asked myself “do any of these criteria relate to common themes discussed in the child development literature.” I had to answer that question to know how best to mother my own child.
Interestingly, all the criteria mapped onto three developmentally acquired abilities: Ability to Love, Impulse Control, and Moral Reasoning. I then vowed I would read everything there was to read about each of these.
I started with Ability to Love. In my opinion the most important book about Ability to Love is Learning to Love by Harry Harlow, Ph.D. He is the scientist who demonstrated that a baby monkey clings to his mother out of pleasure in affection and “contact comfort” not because mother is a source of food. Prior to Dr. Harlow, scientists believed that the child learned to relate to his mother because she was associated with food.
The profound conclusion reached by Dr. Harlow’s research team is that babies are born to “learn to love” just like babies are born to learn language. We don’t come into the world talking but as our brains develop and we are exposed to language we learn to talk. Similarly, we don’t come into the world loving, but as our brains develop and we receive the right input we learn to love.
There are other interesting parallels between talking and loving including the observation that both are disordered in autism and both are influenced by genetics.
My world completely changed when I read page 44 of learning to love. It is on this page that Dr. Harlow discusses a very important developmental sequence. Ability to Love starts to develop before pleasure in aggression and competition sets in:
“The primary basis of aggression control is the formation of strong generalized bonds of peer love or affection… All primates, monkeys and men alike are born with aggressive potential, but aggression is a rather later maturing variable. It is obvious that a one year old suffers from fear and is terrified by maternal separation, but the child neither knows nor can express aggression at this tender age…This lack of aggression targets accounts in part for the fact that “evil emotion” culminates during the age-mate stage, long after peer affection and love have developed. It is the antecedent age-mate love that holds the fury of aggression within acceptable bounds for in group associates.”
Love starts to develop before aggression does, and has a head start in the race for the brain connections that form the basis of our values.
Now back to our 5 year old boy. I am very disturbed by the recent trend of referring to children as “psychopathic” in the scientific literature. Not that she does not describe symptoms of psychopathy, but to call a 5 year old psychopathic, negates the importance of learning to love and acts like it is an inborn ability.
I would say that this boy is learning disabled and requires extra help when it comes to learning to love. Just like speech therapy would help him if he couldn’t speak, love therapy will help him if he can’t love. Studies of autistic children show that a mother’s love makes a big differences for many severely affected children. Why shouldn’t we at least give this 5 year old the benefit of the doubt and give him love therapy.
Many studies show that the parents of at-risk children struggle with loving them. It is hard to love an impulsive child who goes after the cat with sharp tools. These parents are also harmed by suggestions that psychopathy is entirely genetic and firmly in place by age 3.
The focus on “discipline” also hurts these families because children need to learn to love. How can they learn to love if the people who are supposed to teach them are constantly yelling at them and scolding them or spanking them?
What is the answer?
An at-risk child is a full time job! Parents have to love that child 24/7 and not leave him alone to go to the kitchen to pick up the knife and go after the cat. Preventive positive parenting means waking up before the child, being there when he opens his eyes and saying, “I love you”. It means giving him hugs and kisses, playing and having fun together.
Of Course this guy is not the Godfather of child Physcology but I like his approach!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j-wMP2Q0Ifs&feature=related
Oxy: thanks for your understanding. I am hearing he is some better–they can sleep at night by putting him close by in the next bedroom where they can hear his every move.
I thought I would point this out: my son and I were abandoned [along with my older daughter]by their father/my first hub before my son was born. My son never knew or even met his father until three years ago. I spoke with my x hub briefly earlier this year and his comments regarding this boy/grandson were and I quote: “I was just like him when I was little, my brother agreed that he is just me made over. I would take this kid.”
Now….is that genetics or what?
Hello Everyone,
Thank you for your thoughts. The problem is that I have had to move recently because of the S. I don’t know anyone in this town and don’t want to tell when town or area I live in on a public board, but it is notably very “cold”. The people are quite famous for being rude and there is a nickname to go along with it that is very appropriate (if I tell you, you will know where I live, so I can’t) and they are all PROUD of this reputation. Needless to say, since I just moved here a couple of months ago, I know no one. I was taking pre-reqs for grad school online and got those out of the way and got into my grad school, but dropped out at the last minute (I went to two classes) because I just couldn’t do that, work and deal with motherhood, plus the commute.
I work from home so that I was able to be with my baby to give him as much love and attention as I could Also, I have a very serious health problem that I have agressive treatment to deal with, so I get very winded and sick easily (sick from the treatment). So, working from hom works well for me, as my line of work lends itself well to being self-employed. So, money is not the problem. I provide for myself and my son well. Our needs are all met. He has a zillion clothes and toys. He’s far from neglected.
I subsribe to the parenting style called “Attachment Parenting” and this is why I nursed him for so long. It meant always carrying him in a snuggly and giving him lots of affection. The whole concept is that you can’t spoil a baby, but now I’m beginning to wonder if this was such a great way of parenting him.
Also, I don’t think I was very clear about the colic. He only had colic for the first 3 months, but those months seem to follow me around like the plague because I was a new mother and didn’t have anyone to help or help me figure out what in the world was wrong. I read every book and went to every parenting class and group imaginable. He doesn’t cry all the time now, but he has some molars coming in, so he does this past week. What he DOES do is scream like you’ve never heard anyone scream before. He does it LOUD and out of the blue. Since he’s only 18 months old, he doesn’t know a lot of words, so screaming is his method for asking for things, which is understandable. I’m working on teaching him sign language now so that he can sign for things (his pediatrician and all the experts now think this is a good idea for all children; it’s the new trend in parenting.
I’m doing absolutely everything I can do. I do get out all of the time. We frequently go to the park, library, beach, baby groups. I have groups through the local library, meetup.com, the local parenting network and many other groups. I do my best to make friends, but can’t seem to anymore. I used to make friends very easily, but find myself feeling very socially awkward now and have a difficult time talking to people. I have a lot of social anxiety since the S. I do my best to fake it and try so hard, but don’t really connect with anyone. I know it’s good for my baby to be around lots of people and that it’s good for me, so that is why I’ve done this. I’ve worked hard at it.
I’ve also worked hard at my mental health and taking care of myself the whole time. I don’t know what else to do to take care of myself. Everyone here keeps suggesting that, but I don’t know what else to do. I take great care of myself physically and meet my needs. The insomnia problem I can’t control. I’m doing my best though. I can’t take ant-depressants because I have “seratonin syndrome”. I work very hard at trying to manage my PTSD through homeopathic means and various treatments. I’m always looking for new ways to attack my PTSD, because it seems to be getting worse and worse with time.
In being so new, I have not met anyone I know well enough to trust them with my son. I have asked around about babysitters in the mom groups, but everyone seems kind of stingy about sharing their babysitter information because they are scared the sitter won’t be available for them. I have even heard moms admit this a lot. I want to arrange a group of moms who take turns watching kids, but have not had luck when I try to initiate this.
I’m not trying to sound defensive and please don’t think that is the purpose in telling you all of this. I’m self aware and am well aware of the fact I need to do something differently, as what I have been doing does not seem to be working. I would like to hear as much advice and feedback as you have to offer because I’m always willing to try new things.
I think that why I’m suddenly worn so thin is that it has all finally caught up to me. I feel like my whole life has just now caught up to me. Years and years of repressing and pleasing everyone and now I am left feeling utterly exhausted and like a useless individual. I mean, if I have done all of this and I still don’t feel like a good mom, then what hope is there? I have tried so so hard and I still feel like a failure as a mom.
I guess I should go into what behavior I see in my son. He seems conflicted. On the one hand, he does show a very sweet little side to him and then, BOOM! Out of nowhere, he’ll act very aggressive and seems to get pleasure out of people’s pain. He does not inflict pain on others. It’s just in playgroups when little kids trip and fall or I stub my toe for example, he thinks it’s the funniest thing in the world. He’s a pretty serious guy by nature, but will always laugh hysterically if anyone is hurt. I got rid of our TV for this reason because there is always some seemingly innocent violence on TV, even commercials and little kid shows. He ws reacting to it too much the few times it was on, that I got rid of it because I don’t want to feed this crave for violence in him.
Having colic as a baby probably isn’t related to his dad. I know some babies just have colic and that’s just the way it is. I played around with my diet while I was nursing him and when I cut dairy, wheat and soy out of my diet, he was fine. That’s right about the time babies are fine and outgrow colic anyway.
He was exposed to a lot of violence and maybe that is what this is all about. He was only with his dad for 6 days of his life, but those 6 days were incredibly traumatic for him. He shook from head to toe the whole time he was around his dad. His dad was so awful to him and that is why I left him. I tried to leave after the second day there, but he caught me getting into the cab (he came home early) to head to the shelter. He told me he would kidnap my son and kill me if I tried to leave again. I was so scared. I finally got the nerve up to leave again on the 6th day. My attorney told me I had to stay there and go to the shelter there and get the Order of Protection there in that state. So, I knew no one there and had to live in a domestic violence shelter for a few months (from January to May of this year). I cannot even begin to describe what I saw and what we lived with in that shelter. I was grateful for it and the staff was great, but many of the women were very scary. There was open drug useage, one girl stabbed another girl, an abuser found the place and tried to run a girl over with his car. There were all kinds of fights, screaming, hitting, swearing. The kids had so many problems and aggression because they had been with abusive dads. Just in my little bedroom alone, I shared it with 5 families. There were 4 babies in the room. My son could hardly sleep from all of the commotion and I was on edge. It was horrible and I think applying for the Order of Protection was a complete waste of my time and I should have left immediately. I had to stay because my ex fought the OofP, so I thought I didn’t have a choice. In hindsight, I shouldn’t have followed my attorney’s advice and should have gotten the hell out of Arizona immediately. That time there really troubled me emotionally. Going back to his dad for that week was about the most stupid thing I could have done. I really thought he’s changed. . .I was so wrong. It disrupted our little lives and made it so we had to move so much and I think all of that might give you all a little more insight into my situation.
I really won’t look into having my son adopted. The thought is beyond painful, but I just feel like I have so little to offer him with being a single mom who has PTSD. I feel like I might have been selfish in choosing to keep him in the first place because I loved him so much, from the second I knew I was pregnant. I have wanted to be a mom more than anything, my whole life. I just feel like such a failure because he seems out of balance. He’s not even 2 and I feel like I have failed him so much, but I have tried so hard. I don’t know what else I could have done, except the obvious in not going back to his dad. I just worry so much that my anxiety effects him, which it obviously does, but worrying about it does not help my anxiety. Burying it will not help either, so I thought it would be a good idea to vent about it on here, just to get it out of my system. I AM someone who counts my blessings because I was always taught to do so and I feel genuinely blessed. I have seen people so bad off through this experience. I have met many nice women who were DV victims too. They weren’t all hostile and aggressive (there was a mix). Some were immigrants who had nothing. They had lost everyone and everything to be safe. They couldn’t speak English and did not have an education. It was so sad to see. I know I am blessed. I focus on that all day, so I just vent about my stress on here. I’m sorry if it’s a downer. I’ll start trying to post about things I’m happy about too. I do that all day and even have a gratitude journal. I just need to get the negative icky emotiona out somehow because if there’s one things I’ve learned in life, it’s that always being positive and burying any slightly negative thought did not help me. It’s exactly how I got into this situation in the first place. It has taken a lot of therapy to finally realize this. My family and mom NEVER allowed us to complain about ANYTHING, EVER or even ever say anything bad about something or someone. I think it’s good, but since they didn’t know I was being raped by my adult brother, it wasn’t so good for me to learn this behavior. It damaged me and I’m trying to be more real and authentic by sharing real emotions. It’s scary for me to do so because I get scared people will judge me for having these emotions and was the positive, upbeat, bouncy girl my whole life. It’s how I hid my pain. I convinced myself I didn’t even have pain. I was always known for my sense of humor and laugh. That’s all gone now. I’m a shell of who I used to be. I am a complete and total failure as a person. I’m half of what I used to be when I was a teenager. Most people evolve and progress with time.
I get along fine with my neighbors. I actually like them. It’s just the one family who lives about me that pound on the floor when my son makes noise. They just started it last week, after the turpintine (sp?) incident. Evidentally, they were very angry that I talked to the maintenance guy about it. I didn’t do it to tattle on them. I didn’t even know where the smell was coming from. I just went next door to the neighbors (it’s all one apartment complex) who I have made friends with because I thought maintenance should know about the smell and could help me figure it out. Maintenance was very angry at her for getting turpintine everywhere, especially in the rain. It was a huge mess. He and his wife have little kids too who were effected by the fumes, so they were angry. I have only been nice to this woman. I never even said a word to her about the incident, but she yelled about it loud enough to another neighbor right ouside my door, so that is how I know she is mad at me about it. Anyway, she’s the one directly above me, so she is the only one like this. When my son had colic when he was little, we had a mean woman live above us who did this too when he cried, but not for too long because she was arrested for selling heroin.
Anyway, I only want to know about signs to look for in my son so that I can know how to help him. No, it won’t change my love for him at all. I just want to help him and I figure the earlier I can learn to help him through certain behavioral issues, the better. This spoil, spoil, spoil thing I have been doing thus far is not working anymore. I need a new approach, but don’t know what that would be, so that is why I wanted to get some advice from all of you.
Thanks for your thoughts, prayers and advice. I really just wish my mom were still alive and could come help me. I can’t talk about that or her though because it’s too sad. I miss my mom so, so much.
I think I’m going to not focus on the S anymore, so I’m not going to be here as much for a little while. I think that’s one way I can help myself. I’ll revisit it when I get my strength built up a little more. I look forward to comments and advice you have for me on this thread though, so will come back to check for that for a couple of days. Then I’m going to take a little break because I just can’t think about Sociopaths for a while. It bums me out.
P.S. I did not edit this at all and just “spit it out” in a few minutes, so it’s very stream-of-conscious. I hope it’s not too hard to read. It has a lot of poor grammar, spelling mistakes and typos. I’m sorry I never edit my posts before hitting the ‘Post’ button.
Wow, great thread. I am gaining a new perspective on this. I honestly used to think it was mostly a lack of good parenting skills that was the problem with these kids. I’m very sorry about that now because I can see that it’s inherent in them. I feel for all of you that have had to deal with this. On top of being so frustrating, I imagine it’s heartbreaking, as well.
Skylar, thanks for the very enlightening link.
brilliant!
Jill, try not to worry. Take everyone’s advise here, and try to find some time to yourself! God bless.
Jill: I am not a professional so I will leave that up to them to give you advice.
But: I do want to tell you that the fact that you love/wanted and try hard for your child makes you a very good mom. Sure, we don’t always do everything the right way….but trying to learn, grow and give are the right things to do! You son is very blessed to have his mom! Please hug yourself today….and your son. You hang in there, Jill, trying is always the best/right way and hope and answers come to those that want to know…I believe this. 🙂 Hugs!
Dear Jill,
This site is NOT just about THEM, it is about US. I’m glad you were able to vent, but at the same time, it was not as “downer” but confusing somewhat and concerned me about your mental state (not that I think you are crazy) but just that you were VERY frustrated and tired!
It is OKAY to vent here and say anything that helps but just let us know “I’m ranting” or “I’m venting” and so we won’t be so overly concerned. It just did not sound like your regular posts. BTW we ALL need to vent sometimes! ((((hugs))))
I wish you had your “mom” to be there for you too, dear! I wish I had a “mom” and mine is still breathing. LOL But you do have a bunch of us here that DO CARE ABOUT YOU and your SON! So you are not alone.
It is OKAY to have “bad thoughts” of fear, pain, anxiety, lonliness, anger, sadness and so on—-and BTW here is a place you will not be “judged” for having them….and BTW, what OTHER PEOPLE THINK about your emotions is NOT RELEVENT. I too was told to push it under and not display it, but you know, I CAN have emotions and opinions—YEP, EVEN OPINIONS that don’t agree with my egg donor’s.
And guess what, the world has not crashed around my head because of it. I am OK and so are YOU!!!
I am glad to see that your healing road is taking you more away from dealing with “him” and focusing more on YOU and your son, and that is as it should be. YOU and your baby are the most important things. Take care of you so you can take care of your baby! (((hugs)))) and my prayers!
Jill,
I think you have the right ideas about what to do, but you aren’t connecting them together to form a cohesive “reality”.
For instance, you can talk about your negative experiences and vent – that’s good. But then you need to follow it with a release by acknowledging the lesson you learned or the benefit you received from that pain. When you express gratitude for your negative experience it ceases to hurt you so much, it makes your life into a whole instead of fragments of good stuff and bad stuff.
The other method for release is to laugh. Do you laugh much?
When I vent about the P’s I also like to laugh about it. Notice Erin B’s posts are also very derogatory toward the exP and they are funny. That is what humor is for, it relieves stress, that’s why jokes have a punchline. First they build up with a serious issue and then release it’s seriousness.
I notice that when you post about your exP, it is about the trauma he caused you. It sounds horrific. But can you talk to us about some of the really bizarre and stupid stuff he did? Tell us about how his selfishness was stupid and clownlike. They all are. When he was going down the freeway at 100mph, you were terrified, but you survived so you can look back at it and visualize him driving down the road in a DIAPER! That’s right, a diaper. He was acting like a selfish little baby, “MEMEMEMEME!” So visualize all of those episodes and re-live them but see him wearing a diaper.
Now talk to us about how you have learned to spot a P from a mile away, because you can smell their dirty little diaper, (which they NEVER change) They all smell like a diaper that has been on for years and years but never changed. Maybe not literally, but their emotional behaviors smell. Those are red flags and you can spot them.
This is how I refocus my experience with the P and try to feel gratitude.
One, because I’m not a stupid, joker P.
Two, because I’ve learned how to assess people and have an understanding that I didn’t have before.
sky: good post. Funny too…diaper. My x hub’s x girlfriend [notice I said x girlfriend…she caught him cheating, dubbed him a loser and dumped him….;)] once posted a picture of him with a do rag on his head like they wear under motorcycle helmets..he rides a Harley now…anyway she commented under the picture; “Me and my baby” [she had poor grammar]. I looked at the picture [daughter sent me this stuff…I no longer open these type emails or even give a dang…as Oxy says: give them no space in your mind]but the do rag looked just like a baby bonnet on his head….and I thought while laughing outloud….girl, you have no idea how you just nailed him…baby is correct! ahahahahahaha! 😛
A good laugh about it…does help. But, we do have to reach the point in healing where we can laugh about it..and it’s sweeeet when we do. 🙂
Jiill, I think that baby’s start to express empathy at about 18 months old. Look for signs, and reward them.
I think my grandson was about 18 mos old when he took his crying baby sister his much beloved,soft, blue blanket with his name embroidered on it, so that she would stop crying and be comforted.
I suspect that your son is quite normal, just acting like the toddler he is. But like I said, watch for empathy, and try not to worry.
You are not allowed to put yourself down, anymore, and no more thoughts of yourself as a failure. Write a positive affirmation on your bathroom mirror every day!XXXXXX