This week while reflecting on the writings that most influenced my thinking about psychopathy/sociopathy, I received a letter from a mother of a five year-old boy whose father shows many signs of the disorder. She wrote:
Do you believe that children can show signs of being psychopathic? If so do you teach them to suppress the way they really feel by masking the problems with fake feelings? Can feelings of love really be learned? Just because someone on the outside appears like they have feelings does that mean inside they have actually changed? As you know they are good actors. The skill is learned very quickly to lie to blend in with the others. I bought your book off Amazon I should be getting it today. And i am also reading Dr. Hares book. I will try to look at your book some more today.
Shortly after my son’s father was arrested, I sat on my bed, with our seven month old baby asleep beside me, with the psychiatry DSM manual open to the page containing the criteria for “antisocial personality disorder”. I asked myself “do any of these criteria relate to common themes discussed in the child development literature.” I had to answer that question to know how best to mother my own child.
Interestingly, all the criteria mapped onto three developmentally acquired abilities: Ability to Love, Impulse Control, and Moral Reasoning. I then vowed I would read everything there was to read about each of these.
I started with Ability to Love. In my opinion the most important book about Ability to Love is Learning to Love by Harry Harlow, Ph.D. He is the scientist who demonstrated that a baby monkey clings to his mother out of pleasure in affection and “contact comfort” not because mother is a source of food. Prior to Dr. Harlow, scientists believed that the child learned to relate to his mother because she was associated with food.
The profound conclusion reached by Dr. Harlow’s research team is that babies are born to “learn to love” just like babies are born to learn language. We don’t come into the world talking but as our brains develop and we are exposed to language we learn to talk. Similarly, we don’t come into the world loving, but as our brains develop and we receive the right input we learn to love.
There are other interesting parallels between talking and loving including the observation that both are disordered in autism and both are influenced by genetics.
My world completely changed when I read page 44 of learning to love. It is on this page that Dr. Harlow discusses a very important developmental sequence. Ability to Love starts to develop before pleasure in aggression and competition sets in:
“The primary basis of aggression control is the formation of strong generalized bonds of peer love or affection… All primates, monkeys and men alike are born with aggressive potential, but aggression is a rather later maturing variable. It is obvious that a one year old suffers from fear and is terrified by maternal separation, but the child neither knows nor can express aggression at this tender age…This lack of aggression targets accounts in part for the fact that “evil emotion” culminates during the age-mate stage, long after peer affection and love have developed. It is the antecedent age-mate love that holds the fury of aggression within acceptable bounds for in group associates.”
Love starts to develop before aggression does, and has a head start in the race for the brain connections that form the basis of our values.
Now back to our 5 year old boy. I am very disturbed by the recent trend of referring to children as “psychopathic” in the scientific literature. Not that she does not describe symptoms of psychopathy, but to call a 5 year old psychopathic, negates the importance of learning to love and acts like it is an inborn ability.
I would say that this boy is learning disabled and requires extra help when it comes to learning to love. Just like speech therapy would help him if he couldn’t speak, love therapy will help him if he can’t love. Studies of autistic children show that a mother’s love makes a big differences for many severely affected children. Why shouldn’t we at least give this 5 year old the benefit of the doubt and give him love therapy.
Many studies show that the parents of at-risk children struggle with loving them. It is hard to love an impulsive child who goes after the cat with sharp tools. These parents are also harmed by suggestions that psychopathy is entirely genetic and firmly in place by age 3.
The focus on “discipline” also hurts these families because children need to learn to love. How can they learn to love if the people who are supposed to teach them are constantly yelling at them and scolding them or spanking them?
What is the answer?
An at-risk child is a full time job! Parents have to love that child 24/7 and not leave him alone to go to the kitchen to pick up the knife and go after the cat. Preventive positive parenting means waking up before the child, being there when he opens his eyes and saying, “I love you”. It means giving him hugs and kisses, playing and having fun together.
Ahh … the truth is, I ask why, because at my school, if I don’t know the reason why it happened, I am not doing my job. Yes, fabulous, isn’t it? As parents, we don’t have to ask why. However, from countless experiences, going to the principal, parent, etc, is not going to be acceptable if the issue escalates (which with this particular student it has done) and there isn’t a complete picture. In fact, a principal may even berate the teacher for not finding out why the student took such an action.
I have 3 students in my classroom that will lie over and over again and refuse to be disciplined. I’ve only seen one part of the story, and you get to a higher level of discipline only to find that there is more to a story then has been seen by the teacher, the entire disciplinary action may be thrown out even if the student was still part of the problem. I know, absolutely ridiculous, right? But I have to live within that system.
Whether or not the student cops to what happened, I do ask them if they knew the action was unacceptable. Believe me, the things that are happening that I am concerned about go way beyond talking in class. Talking in class doesn’t have an explanation asked for. =) And I can always explain to a parent EXACTLY what is done for discipline in the classroom. Administration is not consistent, so I do the best I can without getting them involved too much.
I have grown eyes in the back of my head, and use time out, constant redirection, consistent implementation of discipline procedures, including the giving of or taking away of special privileges. This works with all but that one student I mentioned,
this student having never once shown empathy or an ability to relate to others.
I must admit, some of this feels like it is my fault, having such a lack of structured, consistent discipline at the beginning of the year. But I am interested to find out what kind of socio-emotional growth tools are out there for conduct-disordered youth.
ChristyK,
Good luck with that! Some kids that have major issues are just not very responsive to what might normally work for the other kids. However at this age, (young enough for possible good results) I would suggest trying a few things that might or might not work.
My son wasn’t oppositional until puberty.
But sometimes kids even at the age your talking about, could even be bi polar or have any number of reasons that they are “different” than other kids in the classroom and acting out.
For whatever reason kids like this usually do not respond well at ALL to negative consequences or to normal disiplinary actions that might work with other kids at the same age level.
But sometimes they DO respond well to positive reinforcement or positive consequenses.
In a classroom setting this is more difficult because it is almost as if you would have to reward him for anything he might do that is not something you would necessarily reward the other kids for. But if you could get creative about this, maybe it is something that you might see some results in him.
Some of these kids really just don’t get cause and effect. And when they do get the consequence feel it unfair, take no responsibility for their action ect. So no “lesson” is ever learned by these kids… A & B = negative consequence.
However for kids that can be turned around sometimes they can get it better when you do positive consequences for good behavior. It is a challenge because what might work well for the rest is not going to work for this child. So one way or the other you might have to change what normally “works” for you in the classroom with the others, when it comes to this child.
It is also possible that nothing you try will work well with him.
Christy K,
Although this child is not your son, you may want to get Dr. Leedom’s book, Just Like His Father? It may have some tips that may help you.
http://www.lovefraud.com/Store.html
Dear Christy K,
WHY? ..LOL—INSANITY. One of the things I was taught was to never ask a child “Why” because it puts them on the defensive..I was also taught that a response of “I don’t know” means ‘I REFUSE to tell.”
If this kid is that disruptive at achool, and the mother doesn’t see a problem at home, she may think that kind of behavior is “normal” and so is blind to what is expected of him, OR the alternative is he is so highly disciplinhed and harshly disciplined that maybe he acts up more at school, either way there’s a problem.
You mmight also go to Dr. Leedom’s blog on “raising the at risxk child” as this is not the only child you will find like lthis in your career as a teacher, just the first of many. Good luck! We need more teachers like you who are aware and who “get it”!!! God bless.
Dr Leedom, I learned about antisocial personality disorder and DSMs via my lonely sociopathic neighbour. She claimed I had this. Thus my healing began. For that I thank the lonely sociopathic neighbour with textbook antisocial personality disorder and DSMs!
My DSMsister displayed a toxic poisonous energy as young as 3. I was intriniscally aware of the damage and pain she caused me as young as two. In a large family with siblings around me, she was the only one who caused this pain. It begins as young as toddlerhood and continues ‘right under everybody’s nose’ for the duration of our lives. She was 8 when she sexually abused me. She displayed a new kind of malice at 16.
Actually, possibly younger than 2. There is a picture of me when I was possiby 1. I was consciously aware and remember when that photo was taken. I remember already feeling excrutiatingly uncomfortable in my DSMsister’s presence. I couldn’t voicalise what it was, so I felt it all, and that feeling of fear, helplessness continues 40 years later. But i donot feel this with any other sibling. Only her. She can say something innocent/malicious, and I will respond feeling insecure, as always. She’s a year older than me. She displayed unbelievable confidence at that age, you see the stark difference between us in every photo of our childhood. She’s successful, dynamic and adored. I am unemployed, alienated and labelled mentally instable.
There isn’t enough about sibling abuse – when the abuse begins when you are so young, the pain is deeprooted to the point of total memory wipeout. I suppose I can read about parental abuse, and understand the child’s experience. The traits do start early, I’ve seen it, felt it, experienced it.
Dear OUtlier,
I am so sorry that you have experienced this since you were even preverbal. I think it is unfortunate that sibling-on-sibling abuse is not as widely studied or noted as adult on child abuse is. I think possibly because it is done out of the presence of adult observers.
There are many people here who have experienced pain and abuse at the hands of a sibling. I hope that you can find comfort that you are NOT alone in this. God bless you.
Interesting. My stepsister was a “difficult” child who had signs of budding S along with a pretty dysfunctional home environment. Wet her bed from when her parents divorced when she was 6 until she was 13, occasionally less than kind to animals, constantly in trouble at school, never did her work. Parents were self-absorved individuals in general and in complete denial. When she hit high school she started using drugs and cutting herself. She still didn’t care what her parents thought, but she did show compassion for those who were smaller/weaker than her, so definitely NOT P. She is a bipolar alcoholic which might not be the best, but still, she’s 21 now, has only been arrested for public intox, and is actually a pretty decent person to be around when she’s sober and on her meds. Also, I have known people who acted like P’s only more impulsive who only acted this way when they were manic. Bipolar is a rough disorder to deal with, but not anywhere near as hopeless as psychopath/sociopathy.
BTW – she relinquished her son for adoption, which I think was the right thing to do. Would still be interesting to see how he is in 20 years.
My experience is that I’m the stepmother of a daughter who was never properly diagnosed or treated for attachment disorder, which, consequently developed into adult sociopathy (in my unprofessional opinion). I’ve had to go through many years of looking like the failure because I was never able to get a bond established with her, and also fell into the typical “you’re too hard on her” reasoning from others.
It didn’t matter how hard I tried- if I took her out for a special day with me, any fun or good times we had were instantly “erased” the moment her father would walk through the door because she lacked the ability to thrive in a family unit. Instead, her competitive feelings immediately took over and suddenly we were on opposing sides- with her father being the “win”, and it didn’t matter that she just had a wonderful time with me.
The father was passive and lenient, while I had expectations and standards. Punishment (take this or that away from her) never worked. While doctors were busy labeling her as ADHD, it wasn’t adding up for me and I kept digging. I found a book on high risk children, and for the first time read about attachment disorder, which would be possible, because the mother was mentally unstable and came from a severely damaged background and admitted she did not feel she could connect with her daughter, and abruptly left her at age 2.
I did try to connect, but every attempt was shot down, and my husband, rather than seeing it, minimized and dismissed her behaviors, and also refused to believe I was the target for her anger. No one helped- and as a result, she is a 22 year old horrible, awful person who now has a son of her own and smokes the rent money away and then begs for someone else to pay it so she won’t be out on the street with her son.
To this day, 17 years later, she still forces her father to defend that he married me, still cries and uses pity to squeeze money from him for rent and bills (uses the fear of her son being on the street), and is now losing her 2nd apartment (which only costs her $220 per month because of low income housing) because the money she bullied out of him with guilt and harassment she spent on drugs instead. She uses the “you married that bitch) guilt to work on him, and make him feel bad that she had to share him. She says, “You love your other family more than me!!!” When he doesn’t, in fact, she wants to be the ONLY one he cares about, and that’s the heart of the problem. Does she love him? I’m sorry- I just don’t see it. I don’t see love come from her toward her father- she is haughty, demanding, cocky, a bully, threatens by guilt, even says she may kill herself if he doesn’t do what she wants. Is there any tender love, or a genuine thank you? No, never. She acts like that’s what fathers do- they give daughters what they want, period.
My husband wants to move her closer so he can “keep an eye on her” and help her better, but I’m ready to pack my bags if that happens.
My answer is Yes, I do think a 5 year old can be a psychopath because I knew one since that age- however, it was overlooked because she liked to dance and sing, commanding everyone’s attention, and charmed them all with her engaging presence, green eyes, and blond hair- and everyone talked about how she looked just like the Olsen Twins from Full House. It’s hard to see the devil in a blond little angel, but I didn’t have to see it, I actually suffered from it, and no one believed the Olsen Twin was torturing me at home, but she was. People thought I was overly sensitive and because i had no children of my own, wasn’t used to them. Well, I’ve since had a child- he’s 13- and did many years of daycare with other’s chldren and have yet to encounter someone who I sensed took such pleasure in my suffering the way she did. I wold see a smug smile spread across her face if I broke down and cried. She would skip through the house, happy and singing, if I was off in another room sobbing by myself.
Can they learn? I’m sure some can- there aren’t “rules” for the human mind. But if left unchecked, well, I doubt they will learn. And good luck finding a therapist that a.) knows what the heck a sociopath is and b.) is willing to believe some adorable child is one.
Dear Sharon C., I am sorry you are in this position. I have a cousin in the same exact position with her husband and their adopted daughter. Their marriage was on the line, and the way they chose to handle it is That the father kept in touch with the dtr and saw her, supported her but the wife had NOTHING to do with the dtr. (thank goodness the dtr had no children)
It put a loot of strain on the marriage back from 1981 to now! They are in their 80s now and still together, but the mother just had to distance herself from the dtr and the father could not bring himself to do it.
I realize your family is the “poster family” FOR DYSFRUNCTION with your husband being guilted into siding with the dtr over you. I wish I had a perfect answer for you, but I don’t even have a perfect question for you to answer. It is a lose-lose situation until your husband makes a decision based on REASON and not on emotion.
YOU are in NO way at fault for thhis girl’s plight or her behavior. You husband is enabling her to continue this behavior and receive no consequences.
I suggest that you might go to counseling with your husband if he will go for marriage counseling, because unless he changes I don’t see your marriage being much but a battle ground of bad feelings. God bless you. And just realize you can’t change him unless he is willing to change any more than you can change her. ((((Hugs)))