This week while reflecting on the writings that most influenced my thinking about psychopathy/sociopathy, I received a letter from a mother of a five year-old boy whose father shows many signs of the disorder. She wrote:
Do you believe that children can show signs of being psychopathic? If so do you teach them to suppress the way they really feel by masking the problems with fake feelings? Can feelings of love really be learned? Just because someone on the outside appears like they have feelings does that mean inside they have actually changed? As you know they are good actors. The skill is learned very quickly to lie to blend in with the others. I bought your book off Amazon I should be getting it today. And i am also reading Dr. Hares book. I will try to look at your book some more today.
Shortly after my son’s father was arrested, I sat on my bed, with our seven month old baby asleep beside me, with the psychiatry DSM manual open to the page containing the criteria for “antisocial personality disorder”. I asked myself “do any of these criteria relate to common themes discussed in the child development literature.” I had to answer that question to know how best to mother my own child.
Interestingly, all the criteria mapped onto three developmentally acquired abilities: Ability to Love, Impulse Control, and Moral Reasoning. I then vowed I would read everything there was to read about each of these.
I started with Ability to Love. In my opinion the most important book about Ability to Love is Learning to Love by Harry Harlow, Ph.D. He is the scientist who demonstrated that a baby monkey clings to his mother out of pleasure in affection and “contact comfort” not because mother is a source of food. Prior to Dr. Harlow, scientists believed that the child learned to relate to his mother because she was associated with food.
The profound conclusion reached by Dr. Harlow’s research team is that babies are born to “learn to love” just like babies are born to learn language. We don’t come into the world talking but as our brains develop and we are exposed to language we learn to talk. Similarly, we don’t come into the world loving, but as our brains develop and we receive the right input we learn to love.
There are other interesting parallels between talking and loving including the observation that both are disordered in autism and both are influenced by genetics.
My world completely changed when I read page 44 of learning to love. It is on this page that Dr. Harlow discusses a very important developmental sequence. Ability to Love starts to develop before pleasure in aggression and competition sets in:
“The primary basis of aggression control is the formation of strong generalized bonds of peer love or affection… All primates, monkeys and men alike are born with aggressive potential, but aggression is a rather later maturing variable. It is obvious that a one year old suffers from fear and is terrified by maternal separation, but the child neither knows nor can express aggression at this tender age…This lack of aggression targets accounts in part for the fact that “evil emotion” culminates during the age-mate stage, long after peer affection and love have developed. It is the antecedent age-mate love that holds the fury of aggression within acceptable bounds for in group associates.”
Love starts to develop before aggression does, and has a head start in the race for the brain connections that form the basis of our values.
Now back to our 5 year old boy. I am very disturbed by the recent trend of referring to children as “psychopathic” in the scientific literature. Not that she does not describe symptoms of psychopathy, but to call a 5 year old psychopathic, negates the importance of learning to love and acts like it is an inborn ability.
I would say that this boy is learning disabled and requires extra help when it comes to learning to love. Just like speech therapy would help him if he couldn’t speak, love therapy will help him if he can’t love. Studies of autistic children show that a mother’s love makes a big differences for many severely affected children. Why shouldn’t we at least give this 5 year old the benefit of the doubt and give him love therapy.
Many studies show that the parents of at-risk children struggle with loving them. It is hard to love an impulsive child who goes after the cat with sharp tools. These parents are also harmed by suggestions that psychopathy is entirely genetic and firmly in place by age 3.
The focus on “discipline” also hurts these families because children need to learn to love. How can they learn to love if the people who are supposed to teach them are constantly yelling at them and scolding them or spanking them?
What is the answer?
An at-risk child is a full time job! Parents have to love that child 24/7 and not leave him alone to go to the kitchen to pick up the knife and go after the cat. Preventive positive parenting means waking up before the child, being there when he opens his eyes and saying, “I love you”. It means giving him hugs and kisses, playing and having fun together.
Sharon C.,
Is she attached to her father and mother? It’s actually pretty common for stepchildren and stepparents to hate one another, when the real issue is the spouse and/or past experiences. Also it’s usually better if the bioparent is the stricter one of the two. My mom’s first boyfriend after the divorce was a physically and sexually abusive P, who I attached to readily. After she broke up with him, I basically directed the anger I had toward him to her next spouse. I never attached to him, first because I was afraid of him(I thought that all stepfathers were P’s), then because I was angry at him for trying too hard to be a replacement daddy when I didn’t want or need one and for disrespecting my real father, and finally because I was an adult by the time I got through these emotions and we just don’t have much in common. I hated him and enjoyed seeing him suffer, but it wasn’t until I was an adult and got some therapy that it was really about misdirected anger. We now have a cordial relationship. BTW – Others would have considered him crazy because I was an excellent student, perfectly attached to both biological parents and my stepmom, teachers loved me, etc.
At this point I’d suggest you disengage from anything related to her that doesn’t directly affect you. She does not and probably never has accepted you as a parent, and you don’t appear to want her as offspring anyway. Let her father deal with her as he sees fit, and let her be his problem and not yours. If he wants to waste his money, let him. If he starts wasting your money, that’s when it becomes your problem. He needs to be the one to deal with the consequences of his behavior.
Sharon C. I am sorry for your terrible situation. I think that I couldn’t add much more to Oxy and Sweetcynic’s advice.
My experience is that we were initially left for weeks on end with a 17 year old stepmother (pregnant!) whom we didnt know, which suited Narc Egg doner UNTILL we bonded with her! (she was very kind to us – She was Looking after 2 disturbed kids that werent hers alone with dad off galavanting…) – then all hell broke loose!! Theres no winning with Narcs and Spaths! They dont WANT ‘happy families’ no matter what their pontifications may be! They dont WANT solutions, they want everyone on the back foot and divided in a dance around THEM.
Any step mother going into a disordered family has my sympathies.
I hope your husband wakes up and smells the coffee… maybe he CAN ‘help’ her, but only when he recognizes what it is he is dealing with.
xxxx
Sharon C. I think it was meant for me to see your post….I know exactly what you are going through!! I have lived the exact same life for 30 years. She was 3 when we got married, had been abandoned by the bio Mom at 1….Dad had custody…didn’t know how to handle her…pretty much dumped her off on his Mom…then we got married and he pretty much dumped her off on me. I entered into the gates of Hell……I had always loved kids, been around tons of kids, never seen anything like her…just like you, I didn’t know “it” had a name back then, just thought…”oh poor little thing, just needs more love”…..I always wondered why I had a pure biological reaction to her presence? She made my skin crawl, and I beat myself up because I felt so guilty over that..everyday was (and is) a struggle just to tolerate her.. The way she has ALWAYS manipulated her father is stomach turning to watch….I have shared with others on this site that I truely believe she has always wanted to sexually conquer her own father….I think it’s the “forbidden fruit” thing…..as she got oder I could sense him keeping his distance from her….I think he felt it to, but of course could not let himself think she would really be that way….she married a wonderful innocent young man and has destroyed him…..her every word is a cold, calculated, smoke and mirrors manipulation…I believe every word you say….your story is my story….most days I would give anything just to “scrape her off me”, but we are still married and I guess I will endure until I die….from the very first moment I laid eyes on her, I knew she was “weird”…I could sense that she had it in for me…..I wasn’t a mother figure to her…..I was someone who was trying to take her Daddy away from her….it was like 2 grown women being in competition for a man….and she was 3 years old!!!!! Early on everything in my gut screamed at me to RUN and I would just feel like….if only I do this….or if only I do that…..I blamed myself…but since finding out there is a true disorder of sociopathy…..I know what she is…..through this blog, I have learned how to better cope with her and kind of stay one step ahead of her, but it is still a very hard life….I feel like the stress of having her always lurking in the background of my life will one day kill me, and she’ll never have to pick up a weapon…..and she is very patient……she is 33 years old now and every year she gets better at what she does……just know that you are not alone…….we have walked the exact same path!
creampuff – re the forbidden fruit thing – they just like to control and win, by whatever means possible.
Dear Creamepuff,
I’m sorry you are still in pain, sweetie! Keep on reading, and learning! ((((hugs)))) It helps.
Thanks all……it is just my life……….some have it much worse…I’ve heard from very reliable sources that the spath stepdaughter and her family are going to be moving several states away next summer (military reasons)…..she has not told her Dad yet that I know of…..I’m keeping my mouth shut for now…..not sure if the move will even make a difference in my own life very much, and I know her father will be crushed!! There are 2 little kids involved. The bio spath daughter just got fired again. She’s an RN and this new job found out she lied on her application and that she got fired from previous job for drugs….she has already found another job ……but soon she will run out of places to go…she has pretty much cut us all out of her life…..any advice Oxy? I know she is a hard core drug addict, but I also know that she will NEVER seek help…..of course all her problems are the result of other people….parents, men, friends that have turned on her….you name it…..but never her …..what do people do? You love them, you want to help, but there is nothing you can do….this daughter turned 35 yesterday and I doubt she will see 40……and I know my guilt will consume me..it is a horrible feeling knowing you will probably out live your child…..and you can’t stop it……I just take one day at a time and pray for her…but she is so mean I cannot get too close to her….I do keep reading and learning and it has helped me so much….Thanks ..
Dear Creampuff, Ive said before, our daughters could ahve hatched out from the same bad egg!
As to whether they can be Psychos from the age of 5, Id say, YES!!. My second spath D.,Claire, was so cocky, witty, smart, charmed everyone,could literally charm the birds from the trees, but she was also bossy, controlling, malicious and manipulative from a very early age. You could NOT punish her,{by this I dont at all mean physical punishment, I hardly ever smacke d her, but if I did, altho her lower lip trembled.,{I only hit the back of her legs, when was behaving in a dangerous way, ie, running into the road, etc.} Shed chant in a sing-song voice,”That never hurt, that never hurt”, and if she was sent to her room, shed say,”I want to go to my room anyway, theres a book I want to read”, or if refused a treat such as a biscuit, shed chant”Didnt want it anyway,!didnt want it anyway!”She bullyedy her older sister,D, who was quite cowed by her and D sometimes D took the blame for Cs misdeeds, I found out years later.
The kids in her class always adored and looke d up to her, they even use to ring up to find out what to wear at the weekend!
I did not want to break her personality, just tame it somewhat, but she ahd iron will and control from the age of 5 or so.She was very clever and smart,too.Shes 44 now,still a hard, controlling bossy snobby little bitch.She hasnt changed, but unlike her sister, shes very well off. Shes living with a rich Jewish boy, but wont marry him. The Mum in law to be pays for everything, 4 million home, in a very exclusive suburb, pays all the school fees for the older 2 children at a top jewish college, pays for the Nanny, bought 2 cars, one for C, one for the nanny. C had her last child, a boy, at 42 years old, and that THRILLED the Jewish family shes conned into keeping her , 0they really adore and value boys.Ive never once, not even when they were babies, been allowe dto see anyof her 3 kids.It used to tear me apart, but now Im quite glad I never bonded with them, so she cant torture me with withholding them.
Olde spathD,[Now 46,} on the other hand has had great jobs, lost them all,{either was sacked or dismissed for stealing money from the company. She has thrown away a lovely husband who now loathes her, has given total custody of the 3 kids to him,has lost her nice, home, many flats,good friends who got tired of being used,her Mum,{me,} as Ive finally stopped baling her out financially an d being used as a cash cow.
I havent seen bitch No.2 in 17 years, or bitch No 1.in 2 years.
Im much better of, and am starting to heal and feel better , so much better off without them in my life.They are hard, controlling, phoney, cruel, malicious sick lying pieces ofshit. Who needs them? Not me, any more!
Love, Mama Gem.XX
Dear Creampuff,
You said “I know my guilt will consume me”—-it will if you EXPECT IT TO. It will if YOU ALLOW IT TO. This is not your “guilt”—you can assume it, pick it up, make it yours, but by RIGHTS your daughter is an adult, and she is responsible for her own life, there is NOTHING different you could have done to change HER DECISIONS to do drugs.
You can’t make her see that she needs to straighten up HER LIFE.
YOU have a CHOICE, and that choice is how you react or respond to your daughter’s behavior. You can respond by feeling guilty or by NOT feeling guilty.
YOUR CHOICE.
It is difficult to see people we love destroy themselves and others,, but WE CANNOT STOP them. My son C chose to lie to me last Christmas/New Years and so I told him he was no longer welcome to live here and the benefits that went with living here (being able to save money) and since he did not want to a) use the opportunity I gave him and b) be truthful with me then there was no reason for him to live here.
He has a “bad ankle” and it needs surgery, but it will put him off work for at least two months—of NO income, no one to drive him to or from the surgery, or PT and rent still goes on, etc. and I am willing to bet $50 that he doesn’t have $50 saved—if he had stayed here by now he could have saved about $15-20K by now, and would have a place to stay while he healed, someone to wait on him, lots of “benefits” that go with living in a family, rather than living in a marginal situation with all this expensive computers and games and no savings for “rainy days.”
It disappointed me, it hurt me and it makes me supremely SAD that he is probably going to be in a financial bind sooner or later because of that ankle that needs surgery and his lack of responsible financial planning. He works hard and has a fairly good blue collar technical job and is excellent at what he does, but it requires considerable physical exertion and with the ankle having been broken/sprained repeatedly, it WILL require surgery on it, and it is wearing out the hip as well because of the gait change. I doubt that he will be able to do manual labor much past 50 if he gets to there. (He’s 41 now) But the thing is, he KNEW the rules, and he knew that DISHONESTY and even a single lie would preempt his seat at my table and a chance to live where he could save money (several hundred dollars per week) out of his pay check and still have his needs met and money in his jeans. Lots of folks don’t have that option.
If he ends up out of work, and people he can couch surf with, then what happens to him? He is SOL, but it is no longer my problem. I feel sad about the situation, but not my problem any longer.
Creampuff, maybe if your step daughter does move away it will give you some breathing room. Decide what you want to do with the rest of YOUR life. ((((Hugs)))) and God bless!
Dear Creampuff,
I know ALLabout that false shame and Guilt!
It has taken me over a year since finding LF to finally start tocome out of that FOG, {Fear, Obligation and Guilt,-false guilt.}
THEY, the spaths in or out of our lives, are the ones who SHOULD feel shame or Guilt, but they dont!
Instead, they throw it onto us, and we wear it UNTIL we start to realise whats happening to us! Its NOT our shame or guilt.They, the spaths, project every nasty icky,sticky, sick emotion onto us, we are gaslighted into accepting it.
I read recently a definition of shame, its like a horrible, oozy, sticky tarry blanket thats thrown over us.It drips and oozes all over us. Just think of the words they say,
“SHAME ON YOU!! YOUR AN UNFIT MOTHER! YOUR A DISGRACE!CALL YOURSELF A MOTHER!YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED!”
And all the time its THEY who SHOULD be ashamed, but they have NO shame or guilt, they project it l onto us empaths!.
When the moment arrives that we, the empaths, finally SEE the LIGHT, thats when we have to throw off that sticky humiliating false blanket of shame and guilt. In my case, a towering ANGER at them finally lit the fuse for me to propel myself out of that sticky false shame.Oxy right, “the truth shall set you free, but first it will PIss you off!”
Oh but so much better for us to go through t he pain of the truth of these monsters, than to stay chained to them for ever!
All this takes time, we have to be patient with ourselves, but WHEN we finally “get it”. ie, see what these bitches and bastards have been putting over on us,for years and years,we HAVE to find our back bone, and not our wishbone, and shake them off for GOOD!!! and TOWANDA for us all!
Dear Gem,
I hear your righteous anger as you grow stronger, as you throw off that sticky blanket of guilt and shame that does NOT belong to you.
Use that anger as strength! Don’t let it weight you down, use it as a tool to get to the next stage of the grief! To the acceptance of what they are, what cannot be changed, what THEY chose, not something we chose for them.
We must Point that anger at THEM not back at ourselves. That was a hard spot for me too. To point the “gun” of anger at them, not at myself. I’ve been at all the stages of grief from denial to acceptance and back again, over and over, but it is getting so much easier to STAY in acceptance of what I cannot change. To not let that anger eat at ME, like a cancer, but to use it as a spring board of strength to travel further! To stay focused on my own healing, knowing I can’t heal them, but I can heal myself! (((hugs))))