This week while reflecting on the writings that most influenced my thinking about psychopathy/sociopathy, I received a letter from a mother of a five year-old boy whose father shows many signs of the disorder. She wrote:
Do you believe that children can show signs of being psychopathic? If so do you teach them to suppress the way they really feel by masking the problems with fake feelings? Can feelings of love really be learned? Just because someone on the outside appears like they have feelings does that mean inside they have actually changed? As you know they are good actors. The skill is learned very quickly to lie to blend in with the others. I bought your book off Amazon I should be getting it today. And i am also reading Dr. Hares book. I will try to look at your book some more today.
Shortly after my son’s father was arrested, I sat on my bed, with our seven month old baby asleep beside me, with the psychiatry DSM manual open to the page containing the criteria for “antisocial personality disorder”. I asked myself “do any of these criteria relate to common themes discussed in the child development literature.” I had to answer that question to know how best to mother my own child.
Interestingly, all the criteria mapped onto three developmentally acquired abilities: Ability to Love, Impulse Control, and Moral Reasoning. I then vowed I would read everything there was to read about each of these.
I started with Ability to Love. In my opinion the most important book about Ability to Love is Learning to Love by Harry Harlow, Ph.D. He is the scientist who demonstrated that a baby monkey clings to his mother out of pleasure in affection and “contact comfort” not because mother is a source of food. Prior to Dr. Harlow, scientists believed that the child learned to relate to his mother because she was associated with food.
The profound conclusion reached by Dr. Harlow’s research team is that babies are born to “learn to love” just like babies are born to learn language. We don’t come into the world talking but as our brains develop and we are exposed to language we learn to talk. Similarly, we don’t come into the world loving, but as our brains develop and we receive the right input we learn to love.
There are other interesting parallels between talking and loving including the observation that both are disordered in autism and both are influenced by genetics.
My world completely changed when I read page 44 of learning to love. It is on this page that Dr. Harlow discusses a very important developmental sequence. Ability to Love starts to develop before pleasure in aggression and competition sets in:
“The primary basis of aggression control is the formation of strong generalized bonds of peer love or affection… All primates, monkeys and men alike are born with aggressive potential, but aggression is a rather later maturing variable. It is obvious that a one year old suffers from fear and is terrified by maternal separation, but the child neither knows nor can express aggression at this tender age…This lack of aggression targets accounts in part for the fact that “evil emotion” culminates during the age-mate stage, long after peer affection and love have developed. It is the antecedent age-mate love that holds the fury of aggression within acceptable bounds for in group associates.”
Love starts to develop before aggression does, and has a head start in the race for the brain connections that form the basis of our values.
Now back to our 5 year old boy. I am very disturbed by the recent trend of referring to children as “psychopathic” in the scientific literature. Not that she does not describe symptoms of psychopathy, but to call a 5 year old psychopathic, negates the importance of learning to love and acts like it is an inborn ability.
I would say that this boy is learning disabled and requires extra help when it comes to learning to love. Just like speech therapy would help him if he couldn’t speak, love therapy will help him if he can’t love. Studies of autistic children show that a mother’s love makes a big differences for many severely affected children. Why shouldn’t we at least give this 5 year old the benefit of the doubt and give him love therapy.
Many studies show that the parents of at-risk children struggle with loving them. It is hard to love an impulsive child who goes after the cat with sharp tools. These parents are also harmed by suggestions that psychopathy is entirely genetic and firmly in place by age 3.
The focus on “discipline” also hurts these families because children need to learn to love. How can they learn to love if the people who are supposed to teach them are constantly yelling at them and scolding them or spanking them?
What is the answer?
An at-risk child is a full time job! Parents have to love that child 24/7 and not leave him alone to go to the kitchen to pick up the knife and go after the cat. Preventive positive parenting means waking up before the child, being there when he opens his eyes and saying, “I love you”. It means giving him hugs and kisses, playing and having fun together.
Dear Witsend,
We posted over each other, so I didn’t see your post until I had posted the one to SOS.
There is some “political” stuff in the mental health field about NOT “labeling” a kid before he is 18, but IN ORDER TO QUALIFY as a Psychopath (sociopath, anti social personality disorder) diagnosis after 18, he had to have had “behavior problems” before 18. Some kids this age are labeled “conduct disorder” (but that is pretty much a term for “gonna be a psychopath” when he turns 18.)
Fron what you have described you have already lost “control” over this kid and he apparently does not care what you think. There is a certain amount of this in any teenager, but to the point of physically bullying you? NO, that is MORE than a normal teen in my opinion. I think you MUST get some counseling for yourself and for your son, professional counseling. Keep at the powers that be to get him evaluated by someone who has some sense. My opinion, for what it is worth, is that because you are no longer able to influence or “control” this young man, you must find some help to help you, whatever it takes, before he goes off the “deep end”—and he still may go off the deep end in any case.
I lost control of my son for several years before he left home at 17 (right into the arms of the cops) and then when he got out on probation, he jumped bail and ran away, then was involved in a felony crime (home invasion at gun point) and went to prison for 2 years of a 5 yr sentence, then out 5 months and back again for murder in 1991.
If they are determined that you can’t control them, then you cant do it. You can only do what you can do and no more. If I had known what I know NOW back then, I would have left my son to his own devices at age 17. And saved myself a lot of money and grief. But I didn’t know then what I know now.
Standard psychopaths are fearless and extraverted, crafty, manipulative, silver tongued gabby, selfish, amoral, easily bored, excitement junkies. I don’t think standard psychopaths feel depression for any other reason than their freedom to do as they please has been truly limited by someone or some circumstance.
I think maybe still more information is needed about witsend’s son’s basic personality. What are his friends like? What’s his clique or status at school? Can he take care of himself physically? What do the teachers say about his in-class and on-campus behavior? What does his older brother think?
S O S, Those are all good questions and I would like to answer them because I welcome input from all of you…I am as my name suggest at my wits end.
If someone asked me my humble opinion, and although I am certainly not qualified to make a diagnosis, but I am the person who sees/knows my my son the most because we live in the same house…I would venture to say that he has more than ONE thing going on right now. In other words I do believe that it is VERY possible that he is going through depression right now. Has alot of the “outward” signs of that. He started not to care about appearance, lack of showering, dirty hair, sleeping ALOT, lack of appetite, etc. This is all a rather recent ADDITION to what has been going on for the past year and a half.
The personality/mood traits that I have mentioned in previous blogs , that has been going on for about a year and a half. And this “depressed” mood that is more recent might very well be brought on by how did you put it…..His feeling of being “limited” or held back to do EXACTLY as he pleases.
Although I really have no control over him, in the sense that you can take the horse to the water but you can’t make him drink…I make sure he gets to school every day but I can’t make him perform once he gets there. And he will PROJECT that BACK to me every day by sleeping in school or not performing.
To answer your questions. He has only a few friends. He doesn’t seem to put as much value on friends as most kids his age. Many times he prefers his own company. He rarely calls his friends. Usually if they do get together they make the initiative.
His status at school I believe (from what I see) changed from middle school to high school. He is currently a sophmore. Small town school. He dropped all school sports so he doesn’t participate in them anymore. (He couldn’t participate now anyways because of grades) He doesn’t fit into the “popular kids”, “jocks” etc cliques at school…What his status is, I wouldn’t really know. For ALL appearances sake he doesn’t care about school because he doesn’t participate even in the social aspects. For instance he wouldn’t go to a football game anymore just to be there among his peers.
His teachers this last half of the year have ALL of a sudden started contacting me. Where as last year & begining of this year I was trying to reach out to them for support/suggestions of his failing grades now THEY are very frustrated with him. My son was given an assesment test in the 9th grade and he is very smart, tested at the 11th & 12th grade level when he was in 9th grade. He should be pulling straight A’s. He has LOW Fs in every class. He is failing at this point because he is NOT doing the work. He does have ADHD but was just diagnosed with this recently. Just the Type A or Type 1. Very unorganized, scattered, doesn’t bring materials to class…
2 weeks ago we had teachers conferences and all 5 of his teachers said he sleeps in their class. They can’t get him to do anything. ONE teacher actually said that at this point she doesn’t even wake him up. I was mortified as this is the teacher that in the begining of the year really worked hard to motivate him in her class. so I asked her WHY she doesn’t wake him? She said: “A sleeping ***** is better than a cranky *****. (my son can be very irritable for no apparant reason)
If I ask him what the problem is at school he will say ONE of two things, depending on what day it is….MOST often he blames the teachers. They are incompetent and should all be fired. (HE actually says that to me)
The other thing he might say is that he doesn’t need school or an education. (as he has a very grandious plan for himself of how he is going to make ALOT of money)
As for his brother. They are 10 years apart in age. So his brother doesn’t live at home for a few years. He manipulates his brother to think he is trying in school. His brother doesn’t see what is really going on here at home. However he is also very frustrated with him as he KNOWS he shouldn’t be failing in school. He knows of his younger brothers grandious plans and tries to reason with him as far as school is important.
My son in general has very low tolerance for people/society. His peers, his teachers, me, his counscelor, ect. He will quickly point out what “others” should be doing and how they should do it, or what their faults are.
S O S also would like to address the begining of your comments…What you say about “standard” psycopaths having specific critera. I am still learning about the specifics of the different disorders. What I have learned so far though is that there is a wide spectrum of sociopaths and their lifestyles.
The many that are behind bars where the ones that many of the scientific studies were taken from. But there are many also who have high profile careers and many who can’t keep a job to save their life. Many with high intelligence and many with out intelligence. Etc….
So in other words from what I have read/learned every single sociopath although they share many of the same symptoms, specifically lack of empathy, all have various levels of how functioning they are in their lives. So like any other “labeled” member of society, they have as many similarities as they have differences.
I am not explaining this well but when you look specifically at the list of symptoms of a sociopath, HOW is it even possible that a person with this disorder can “last” in a marriage for 20 years ( or a carrer)? When the next sociopath you read about can’t maintain even functioning in society past the age of 18 years old as he has already been incarcerated. It can only be because there is that “wide spectrum” of this condition.
My son fits into many of the defined personality traits of a personality disorder. Passing blame, lack of remorse, flunking out as school (without a care), grandious ideas/thinking, lack of reality, LIES consistantly & about everything (both about important and unimportant things), defies authority, grandious sence of self, control issues, etc…..
Although this alone doesn’t constitute him as a sociopath, he also isn’t your normal average “defiant” type teenager either.
He goes way beyond that.
It is the total package that scares the hell out of me….And although he hasn’t broken the law yet, if not given the help that he needs NOW….I see this as a very distinct possibility….
I DON’T want to see this, he is my son, but I would have to be in complete denial NOT to see it.
In other words what I see in his personality coming out this last year and a half he wouldn’t have the “tools” to function in the real world. His sense of reality is so VERY distorted he couldn’t function for very long. Whatever his disorder is….It is a disorder.
I still cling to the thought that because he has had trama in his life at an early age he has SHUT DOWN his “normal” emotions/feelings rather than these emotions don’t exist. I see this as a very distinct possibility. However I don’t see this being explored with his couscelor. ANOTHER part of my frustration.
witsend,
Tax day. I’ve had get cracking. Anyways, out of the sociopathic “dark triad”, psychopaths and narcissists are always extraverted. Machiavellians are introverted but manipulative. You’re son seems to be none of these – P’s, N’s and M’s engage the world. He’s avoiding. My story is somewhat similar yet different, but telling it might help you extrapolate some ideas.
I went through a phase after HS. I would have MBTI tested as an INXJ with low self esteem. I knew I was smart but had no motivation to succeed at anything. My HS clique was loosely connected. We had pot, beer, cars, music, and random adventures in common. In hindsight, I realized we all had nonexistent or poor father figures in all of our lives (divorce, death, or in my case, a self absorbed narcissist). Anyways, after HS the clique split up, some going to college and others into work. My father demanded that I attend the local university, but after two years of uninspired mediocrity I dropped out. I spent most of my time alone in my bedroom. I avoided my friends who’d gone into the dope peddling business, and my last remaining other friends dumped me. Both parents would try to shame me out of my depression, inadvertently making it worse. Quickly my father gave up, having not really cared too much anyways, but whined to his parents to cover his ass, turning them against me. At extended family gatherings I sensed that I was the ’weird one’. But my mother hung in there, but not the way I wanted or needed her to. She’d harass me every single day about being the ’family embarrassment in mama’s basement’.
If I really went into detail my story would take pages. But in hindsight, my issues boiled down to:
At that age, I was smart enough to unconsciously know about the way the world really works, but not strong enough to do what it would take to tackle that challenge. I knew I could not survive on my own, and I was scared sh*tless, and had completely given up all hope.
It was only after I met a girl whose father had been an abusive drunk, who had to leave home at 15 to avoid sexual molestation, yet somehow graduated from community college with an AA to support herself, that I was inspired enough to move on.
Two big differences between myself and your son, is that: 1. I didn’t lie, I was honest (though confused or even clueless) back then, about what I was perceiving. 2. My parents were incapable of understanding what I was dealing with, let alone helping me. Their only tool was to ’kick the donkey’ ”“ unaware that the donkey sensed cougars in the bushes ahead.
So S O S what would have helped you when you were in High School and going through this? What SHOULD your parents have done? I would assume that I have already made every mistake in the book or I certainly FEEL like I must have….
What course of action would be the positive and constructive one? And did you have a tramatic event in your life?
And my sons avoidance in this world is somewhat a more recent developement than what I saw early on.
Please be more specific of what INXJ stands for as I don’t know?
Thank You
Also S O S….
Were you ever suicidal (you mentioned that you had given up hope)
witsend:
I went through a suicidal depression when I was in my late teens. Reading your postings about your son, I see an awful lot of parallels with my own life — the plunging grades, irritability, disengagement from life.
Your son needs to be in intensive therapy — pronto. His depression sounds severe enough that he should be in a a therepeutic setting. Especially since he is rejecting the therepeutic drugs. One problem with the drugs is that unless you are in a hospital/treatment setting, the doctors cannot get you up to a therepeutic dosage fast enough.
Dear Witsend,
I would also suggest you interview with 3 or 4 new therapists for your son. First with just yourself explaining, verbalizing everything you are concerned about and have experienced with him…list of questions, note the feedback, the receptiveness, the suggestions the supportiveness or lack thereof with each prospective therapist. Put it all on the table and hold nothing back — you should walk away feeling welcomed, heard and understood and confident that your son is going to be in good hands and with a therapist that is willing to work with each and every one of your concerns.
And it may be helpful to not focus so much on what may have caused your sons inconsistencies or personality disorders right now, but to focus on getting him into the right hands. Work with what you do know, not what you dont yet know. Work with what his behaviors are, not why they have surfaced. Work with what you have in front of you, for right now, so you can focus on getting him the support he needs.
You made mention of him falling beyond the realm of typical teenage defiance behaviors…and you also mentioned he has an older sibling, so you have even more maternal instinct to rely on and trust your own conclusions about your teenage son. Trust yourself, and continue to seek the best therapy for him. And if the answer is that your son is experiencing a depression or severe personality disorder, then you will know you cannot approach him or his situation the way you would a teenager who is going through” typical teenage years” — you are going to have to become creative in the ways in which you interact with him.. and learn the tools to be able to communicate with him in a way that he can begin to communicate with you.
Please keep sharing with us and you can always find support here. We are all here for you. You will get through this. Its alot of sorting out to do right now and Im sure a very scary and overwhelming time for you. Someone will always be here for you at LF as you sort it all out and hopefully finally begin to see some doors open for both of you with good therapy.
So S O S what would have helped you when you were in High School and going through this?
This is a tough one. Even though I was tiny, I was physically coordinated and showed some aptitude for wrestling. I should have worked out. I should have taken small steps towards getting involved, to exercize my talents. Wait a minute… I should? I had no mentors, nobody who understood my situation. After HS I (myself), went to a public mental health clinic, my last option. I guess I needed somebody to notice, care, listen, and carefully advise.
What SHOULD your parents have done?
I read somewhere that good parenting involves at least five parts positive to one part negative, and that ratio doubles if the kid is depressed and/or anxious. With my parents the ratio was 1:10 (complement, appreciation, love : criticism, nagging, shaming, punishment).
My parents should have at least taught me all the basic kid stuff (riding a bike, driving, sex, bullies, picking friends) that other parents were teaching their kids. I fell behind my peers. I was a fairly cool 8 year old, but a very backwards 16 year old.
Have an open door policy.
Be able to see things from my point of view.
Be capable of thoughtful reflection and insight.
What course of action would be the positive and constructive one?
Depends entirely on the kid. My cousin had similar issues to me, except he had brothers, and his parents were somewhat wiser, though his father’s punishments bordered on abuse. After drifting for a few years after HS, he joined the air force. He then got his engineering degree, and does pretty well now in middle age. Our nephew went down a similar same path. At age 22 he’s just joined the air force. I honestly don’t know if your son kid needs more hope, time to sort things out, or what, but I’d follow Matt’s advice. He’s a lawyer.
And did you have a tramatic event in your life?
Moved cross country from a small town to a big city. I’d unconsciously realized that I’d lost everything – good friends, popularity, status, support system. In the new school I was nobody, nothing. I got picked on. I unwittingly acted out by pushing my little sister around. My father tired of this and called me into the kitchen in front of the whole family and popped me in the mouth, knocking me to the ground. That’s when I realized that I was alone with my problems and on my own in that family.
Please be more specific of what INXJ stands for as I don’t know?
It comes from MBTI: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Myers-Briggs_Type_Indicator
It claims 16 distinct types, none better than any other. I believe that each “type” flows into adjacent types in a continuous fashion, and I get along much better with some than with others. I also believe there also healthy and unhealthy versions within each type. I believe each baseline type has it’s own preferences for neuroticism as well as normal behaviors and also in environmental pushes and pulls. For example, an INTJ female who is unusually adventurous (for an INTJ), is more likely to be physically attractive than not. Sorry, I’m adding in my own beliefs and digressing.
This place is more user friendly and should be less confusing than wikipedia or myself:
http://www.personalitypage.com/home.html
I = Introverted (fairly high harm avoidance) ”“ I never jump into the deep end. I have to observe and think about things before doing. Cautious, sometimes anxious.
N = iNtuitive (high novelty seeking, but only from an intellectual perspective) Theoretical, abstract, imaginative.
X = middle of the road thinking or feeling (average reward dependence) I can be sentimental but not for everyone, I can be emotionally detached but can consider others as required.
J = moderately judging (moderate persistence, conscientiousness) I usually finish what I start. Goal directed. Prefer to do the ’right thing’. Not too flexible.
Were you ever suicidal (you mentioned that you had given up hope)
In thought but never in deed.
At the end of the day, I think hope was the difference. When I had more hope than fear my powerful imagination took hold and I changed my life, although this happened slowly. The good news is that once inspired, I went back to school, got a good job, worked my way up through fixer homes to my current property (which is really too big for my needs). The bad news, is that I’d become complacent in dealing with sociopaths. I learned the hard way that sometimes in life you must fight them. I’ve had to go through the school of hard knocks, repeatedly, but I’m still here.