This week while reflecting on the writings that most influenced my thinking about psychopathy/sociopathy, I received a letter from a mother of a five year-old boy whose father shows many signs of the disorder. She wrote:
Do you believe that children can show signs of being psychopathic? If so do you teach them to suppress the way they really feel by masking the problems with fake feelings? Can feelings of love really be learned? Just because someone on the outside appears like they have feelings does that mean inside they have actually changed? As you know they are good actors. The skill is learned very quickly to lie to blend in with the others. I bought your book off Amazon I should be getting it today. And i am also reading Dr. Hares book. I will try to look at your book some more today.
Shortly after my son’s father was arrested, I sat on my bed, with our seven month old baby asleep beside me, with the psychiatry DSM manual open to the page containing the criteria for “antisocial personality disorder”. I asked myself “do any of these criteria relate to common themes discussed in the child development literature.” I had to answer that question to know how best to mother my own child.
Interestingly, all the criteria mapped onto three developmentally acquired abilities: Ability to Love, Impulse Control, and Moral Reasoning. I then vowed I would read everything there was to read about each of these.
I started with Ability to Love. In my opinion the most important book about Ability to Love is Learning to Love by Harry Harlow, Ph.D. He is the scientist who demonstrated that a baby monkey clings to his mother out of pleasure in affection and “contact comfort” not because mother is a source of food. Prior to Dr. Harlow, scientists believed that the child learned to relate to his mother because she was associated with food.
The profound conclusion reached by Dr. Harlow’s research team is that babies are born to “learn to love” just like babies are born to learn language. We don’t come into the world talking but as our brains develop and we are exposed to language we learn to talk. Similarly, we don’t come into the world loving, but as our brains develop and we receive the right input we learn to love.
There are other interesting parallels between talking and loving including the observation that both are disordered in autism and both are influenced by genetics.
My world completely changed when I read page 44 of learning to love. It is on this page that Dr. Harlow discusses a very important developmental sequence. Ability to Love starts to develop before pleasure in aggression and competition sets in:
“The primary basis of aggression control is the formation of strong generalized bonds of peer love or affection… All primates, monkeys and men alike are born with aggressive potential, but aggression is a rather later maturing variable. It is obvious that a one year old suffers from fear and is terrified by maternal separation, but the child neither knows nor can express aggression at this tender age…This lack of aggression targets accounts in part for the fact that “evil emotion” culminates during the age-mate stage, long after peer affection and love have developed. It is the antecedent age-mate love that holds the fury of aggression within acceptable bounds for in group associates.”
Love starts to develop before aggression does, and has a head start in the race for the brain connections that form the basis of our values.
Now back to our 5 year old boy. I am very disturbed by the recent trend of referring to children as “psychopathic” in the scientific literature. Not that she does not describe symptoms of psychopathy, but to call a 5 year old psychopathic, negates the importance of learning to love and acts like it is an inborn ability.
I would say that this boy is learning disabled and requires extra help when it comes to learning to love. Just like speech therapy would help him if he couldn’t speak, love therapy will help him if he can’t love. Studies of autistic children show that a mother’s love makes a big differences for many severely affected children. Why shouldn’t we at least give this 5 year old the benefit of the doubt and give him love therapy.
Many studies show that the parents of at-risk children struggle with loving them. It is hard to love an impulsive child who goes after the cat with sharp tools. These parents are also harmed by suggestions that psychopathy is entirely genetic and firmly in place by age 3.
The focus on “discipline” also hurts these families because children need to learn to love. How can they learn to love if the people who are supposed to teach them are constantly yelling at them and scolding them or spanking them?
What is the answer?
An at-risk child is a full time job! Parents have to love that child 24/7 and not leave him alone to go to the kitchen to pick up the knife and go after the cat. Preventive positive parenting means waking up before the child, being there when he opens his eyes and saying, “I love you”. It means giving him hugs and kisses, playing and having fun together.
Matt gosh you are saying pretty much what I feel in my heart. I guess my belief in ALL of this lies in the fact that every single person has their own “opinion” of what should be done or could be done. What my son is or is NOT…..
My instincts tell me that my son IS depressed. But they ALSO tell me that there is some other type of severe disorder underneath the depression.
My REAL problem with all of this is that I have had NOTHING but resistance when it comes to the so called professionals I am taking my son to. I had to wait 6 MONTHS for a partial evaluation to just get him on the meds. No full medical evaluation such as I asked for such as thyroid, urine, and blood work. To rule out some things.
His Couscelor that he had been seeing for months ARGUED with me that my son wasn’t depressed. And waved his hands at his many volumes of medical books to tell me that he wasn’t a “text book” case. Well first of all, my son does NOTHING but LIE to him every session.
Just 2 days ago I had 10 minutes alone with this counscelor and he told me that my son had told him in that VERY days session that he was doing much better in school. Not according to the teachers….Not according to his grades. He is flunking his sophmore year. That even brings up another problem. EVERY session all this counscelor talks to him about is school. Its not ALL about school…It is about the underlying reason why school is so overwhelming for my son or why school is so unimportant to him.
I’ll call it what it is here….I am LOW income and a single mom with only medicade for my sons insurance coverage. ONLY one place will even take medicade for mental health in the county that I live. They are overbooked and overworked etc. Kind of like going into a courtroom with an overworked public defender that has never even met you rather than a lawyer that at least “knows” your case. Thats how I see it. Not that some great doctors can’t work at a free clinic. Just this hasn’t been my experience so far.
My son is also resistant to getting help as of course he is 16 years old. He doesn’t think he is depressed or will admit that anything is even wrong.
The private practices and the doctors in our area that have been refered to me by others will not even see my son let alone evaluate him. I have tried.
I am not trying to sound like I am giving excuses here….I have spend endless days on the phone trying to find other recources in my county/area. I just have not found that support.
I feel like I am trying to tell everyone involved that this is a critical situation. What has to happen before these doctors DO LISTEN is beyond me. I DO not for a moment feel like I am over reacting but I OFTEN feel like they are under reacting to what I am trying to say.
Now with him refusing his meds I feel that he is going to go right back to that VERY critical state he was a month ago before he took the meds. And that is when I thought him to be suicidal.
And trust me if I could control him without handcuffing him I would take him to the ER and just sign him in. BUT I am told that they would only keep him for a few days and then release him right back to me. And he would run away from home…..At least he told me he would. He has $800 saved in his bank account and I think he sees that as his salvation…..
I feel without a doctors “support”, I can’t keep him in the hospital for long enough to even get the meds to work. My thought is he needs treatment in a hospital setting such as a 30 day program. Or something similar to that.
witsend:
Can the guidance counselors in your son’s school intervene and get him admitted to some residential program which takes Medicaid? If they think he’s at risk, they may contact child protective services in your state and be able to get something happening.
Another thought — have you tried child protective services in your state? If you have reason to believe your son is suicidal, they could move for an involuntary commitment. The problem is, as you realize, that he may very well shine the doctors and get released early. Which then puts you in the untenable position of waiting until he does something.
OT, but lets see how this flies:
Smart sociopaths actively screw others over. In their march towards their goals, they deviously plot and plan the best way to suck the life out of their victims, while getting away with it.
Average sociopaths are oblivious to screwing others over. In their march from point A to point B, they couldn’t care less about the damage they cause, unless said damage will cause them grief.
Dull sociopaths screws themselves over. In their straight march from point A to point B, they couldn’t care less about any damage they cause, or the grief it might cause for themselves.
Matt, thanks for the advice it is something I can try….I have a feeling that childs protective service will lead right back to the same mental health facility my son goes to now. Although not 100% sure so I am willing to try it.
This facility that my son goes to is where all people that are court appointed by a judge have to go if they can not afford private practice. And also where anyone that gets “thrown” into the system for whatever reason goes. So I don’t know that much about child protective services but thinking that might be part of the system I am refering to? State/County service.
witsend:
Another thought. Do you have a medical school in your city/state? They have really good programs for training residents and the fee is sliding scale which means they’d take medicaid. Also, the meds are free, generally.
Matt, we do have a school that isn’t to far away that offers free counsceling from training students and we are both on the waiting list.
Dear Wits End,
There isn’t any way that your son can be “diagnosed” over the internet, not even by the professionals here. I was reading through some of the posts above and your son, from the vague “thrid hand” discription, also might be bi-polar.
The thing that disturbs me is that you mentioned earier that he would “physically bully” you—which indicates to me that you have “lost control” over the situation to the point that your son could be a danger to you if you said “No” to something he really wanted or felt entitled do.
Many teenagers are “rebellious” (God knows I was a mouthy know-it-all!) But I would never have broken the law or even thought about hitting my parents or any other adult. so there are some “ranges of normal rebellion” that are not “pathological” but I don’t think you would be here on this list if your son’s problems were not on the “far side” of the line (when we talk about a teenager physically bullying a parent, I think that is past the line of “range of normal.”
I was worried about my own son at that stage (like you are worried about yours) but I kept telling myself it would pass, but it got worse. In retrospect, I should have had a professional evaluation of my son done, but at the same time, I know he would have “snowed” the therapist, because when he got into court ordered therapy as a juvinile while we were in Florida, he snowed the therapist like you could not believe!
When I went in to talk to the therpasit the first time (after he had been in first, of course) the therapist looked at me like I had two heads! Some of the things my son had said were “true,” but DISTORTED completely to show him an abused kid. Poor baby. After my divorce when he was in gradeschool, we never saw my x-husband again and he did not visit with the kids…and my sons had been devestated by that abandonment, so I had them in family therapy for two years at that time. He knew all the “manuvers” to turn the therapy “against” me…it was kind of like the psychopath in “couples therapy.” Of course t he only “diagnosis” I got was that I was a “bad mother” and he was rebelling against my “abuse.”
Even with professional “diagnosis” some of the early blossoming psychopaths can cover it up and make it the “fault” of the parent.
In the end, the bottom line is that he is your son, if he is a psychopath, sooner or later it will be come apparent that he isn’t going to change (because they don’t get better, if anything they learn to “fake it” better) IN the meantime, I do suggest you get some professional counseling and diagnosis, but DO NOT ACCEPT that he is a “horrible person” because you are/were an inadequate parent. If he had “trauma” in his earlier life, he might be having signs of PTSD (depending on the trauma) which can also cause angry outbursts etc.
What we CAN do here for you, is to support YOU. NO matter what his “diagnosis” is, YOU are the one who needs support right now. Having had a “rebellious” teenager (even though mine did turn out to be a Psychopath) I know it is a tough road, even for those parents whose kids eventually “straighten up and fly right.” ((((hugs))))) and prayers.
Wit’s End,
I think you should definitely explore the possibility your son is a severely depressed teen. A teen who is depressed and withdrawn will say anything to “get you out of his face.” He may be lying just to get you to leave him alone on a particular subject, or in general. He doesn’t see you as an ally, because you expect him to engage, while he’s trying to escape.
Depressed teens rarely understand that they’re depressed. It takes considerable experience with depression to recognize its onset and cope successfully. An introverted teen isn’t going to know what hit him.
Since your son hasn’t committed any property crimes, and your son doesn’t engage in fights, assaults or bullying other kids, there’s a major component of anti-social behavior missing here.
Mind you, I don’t know how to solve this problem. If he’s depressed, you’ve still got a rough row to hoe. If he’s lying to you and threatening you simply to get you to back off, then you want to address both the depression and the behavior, before the behavior becomes an ingrained habit.
If he suffers from depression, then there’s plenty of hope. Many adults with cycles of depression cope beautifully. They see it coming on, and say to themselves, “Hello darkness my old friend…” Then they engage in appropriate self care, depending on what their needs are.
Dealing with depression can be hard on everyone in the family. No matter what your son’s true diagnosis is, remember to take good care of yourself. He’ll need your strength.
Blessings,
Elizabeth
OxDrover, by nature I am a thinker…Not that this is always a bad thing. I RARELY make a rash decision. But I have been known to procrastinate on making a big decision because I have to think-it-out. In the end most of the decisions I have made in my life I have very few regrets. AFTER DOING ALL of that thinking though, often times my decisions are made more on the initial intuitive/instinct level than all of that thought process that was involved. As we get older we get wiser….Isn’t that how it is suppose to work? I often wonder at this stage of my life why I have to go through this long “thinking process”. Why not just follow the intuition right from the start?
I know that it is not the diagnosis that is of importance here. It is by NOT having a “real” diagnosis though that I am unsure if he is getting the “help” that he needs.
What is important is what is real. And what is real is that something isn’t “right” with my son. For his sake as well as my sake, I NEED to know that he is not falling between the cracks of the mental health care system.
If he had cancer and was never properly diagnosed he could not be treated, so to speak…..I see no difference in this situation.
I know if he is a sociopath he can’t be treated. But bi polar is treatable, PTSD is treatable, there are a whole lot of disorders out there that are tratable. NATURALLY as a mother my hopes is that he has a disorder that is treatable.
The window of opportunity is small in my opinion as far as his age goes. He has already refused to take his meds. A little over a month ago RIGHT before he was PUT on the medications is when our situation at home was OUT OF CONTROL. It is when I felt that things could easily turn into a physical confrontation between him and I. (on his part NOT mine) I was to be quite honest AFRAID of him. He was on a daily basis giving me ultimatums. Refusing to follow any of the normal rules.
When looking back at this time I believe that any time he might have percieved that he took “control” of a situation and “won” he would seem to take this to another level. The night that he started to what I would call “bullying” me at home was the same day that we had an intervention session at his counscelors office. This is when I also feared he might be having suicidal thoughts. He abruptly ended that session by walking out of the office. I have no way of knowing for certain but I THINK (here I go thinking again) he felt really in control by ending that session. Regardless of what he thought. Something changed. He became a LOT more aggressive in his behavior at home. NOT that he actually did push me around BUT his behavior implied that he would. He had not acted this agressively before.
He continued this more aggressive behavior for a period of time until he got this medication he was put on. During this period of time he was also VERY irritable.
I fear now that he is refusing the medication (only took it a month) that things will slip from bad to worse. The medication did not improve things a whole lot but they DID take the EDGE off of that major irritability he was projecting. And while dealing with the daily lying and manipulation & lack of reality, it helped that he wasn’t also being so agressive and so irritable. He also seemd to be VERY slowly improving on the outward signs of depression.
The medication at least provided me with some hope because for a period of time before the medication everything progressed so QUICKLY. I really got to a point where I couldn’t keep up the progression was that bad.
Dear Witsend,
MEDICATION? I missed it if you mentioned that he was ON medication, or supposed to be.
First off, many patients (adult or adolescents) do NOT want and WILL NOT take medication. In bi-polar, many times they LIKE THE HIGHS of the mania and being “normal” makes them feel by comparison “down” and they don’t want the medication.
In other “illnesses” medicine usually makes us feel “better” so people are more apt to take it (with the exception of blood pressure mediciation which has few if any early symptoms so patien
ts again, see not much or no need to continue to take it).
It sounds to me like he needs to be in an IN-patient setting. If he was given medication, there is SOME DIAGNOSIS on his chart, therefore since he is refusing to take the medication on his own (a typical teenaged thing) and is becoming potentially violent and threatening, I think he is a PERFECT CANDIDATE TO QUALIFY FOR AN INPATIENT SETTING….
What was, if I may ask, the diagnosis that they used to Rx the medication, and what was the medication? Was it ONLY depression? Depression can cause irritability, and the “inability” to get motivated.
People who are Psychopathic can ALSO have other treatable mental illnesses (but sadly will usually not comply with treatment) Dr. Leedom gave us some statistics that about 1/3 of bi-polars in a test were ALSO psychopaths, and ADHD is frequently linked with psychopathic disorder as well.
Treating the bi-polar successfully will help the person’s over all functioning, but they will still be a psychopath so will function better in their conning.
My suggestion, again, is that you see if you can get him into an INPATIENT setting, because you obviously, if you are feeling physically bullied on a gut level, I bet your intuition on the feeling THREATENED is right on. I WOULD NOT WAIT UNTIL HE WENT OFF ON ME AND MAYBE SERIOUSLY HURT ME before I got him into an inpatient facility at least for an assessment. Because teenagers are sometimes like pit-bulls if they get enraged they don’t know when to stop. Don’t take a chance on your son hurting you. LISTEN TO YOUR GUT.