This week while reflecting on the writings that most influenced my thinking about psychopathy/sociopathy, I received a letter from a mother of a five year-old boy whose father shows many signs of the disorder. She wrote:
Do you believe that children can show signs of being psychopathic? If so do you teach them to suppress the way they really feel by masking the problems with fake feelings? Can feelings of love really be learned? Just because someone on the outside appears like they have feelings does that mean inside they have actually changed? As you know they are good actors. The skill is learned very quickly to lie to blend in with the others. I bought your book off Amazon I should be getting it today. And i am also reading Dr. Hares book. I will try to look at your book some more today.
Shortly after my son’s father was arrested, I sat on my bed, with our seven month old baby asleep beside me, with the psychiatry DSM manual open to the page containing the criteria for “antisocial personality disorder”. I asked myself “do any of these criteria relate to common themes discussed in the child development literature.” I had to answer that question to know how best to mother my own child.
Interestingly, all the criteria mapped onto three developmentally acquired abilities: Ability to Love, Impulse Control, and Moral Reasoning. I then vowed I would read everything there was to read about each of these.
I started with Ability to Love. In my opinion the most important book about Ability to Love is Learning to Love by Harry Harlow, Ph.D. He is the scientist who demonstrated that a baby monkey clings to his mother out of pleasure in affection and “contact comfort” not because mother is a source of food. Prior to Dr. Harlow, scientists believed that the child learned to relate to his mother because she was associated with food.
The profound conclusion reached by Dr. Harlow’s research team is that babies are born to “learn to love” just like babies are born to learn language. We don’t come into the world talking but as our brains develop and we are exposed to language we learn to talk. Similarly, we don’t come into the world loving, but as our brains develop and we receive the right input we learn to love.
There are other interesting parallels between talking and loving including the observation that both are disordered in autism and both are influenced by genetics.
My world completely changed when I read page 44 of learning to love. It is on this page that Dr. Harlow discusses a very important developmental sequence. Ability to Love starts to develop before pleasure in aggression and competition sets in:
“The primary basis of aggression control is the formation of strong generalized bonds of peer love or affection… All primates, monkeys and men alike are born with aggressive potential, but aggression is a rather later maturing variable. It is obvious that a one year old suffers from fear and is terrified by maternal separation, but the child neither knows nor can express aggression at this tender age…This lack of aggression targets accounts in part for the fact that “evil emotion” culminates during the age-mate stage, long after peer affection and love have developed. It is the antecedent age-mate love that holds the fury of aggression within acceptable bounds for in group associates.”
Love starts to develop before aggression does, and has a head start in the race for the brain connections that form the basis of our values.
Now back to our 5 year old boy. I am very disturbed by the recent trend of referring to children as “psychopathic” in the scientific literature. Not that she does not describe symptoms of psychopathy, but to call a 5 year old psychopathic, negates the importance of learning to love and acts like it is an inborn ability.
I would say that this boy is learning disabled and requires extra help when it comes to learning to love. Just like speech therapy would help him if he couldn’t speak, love therapy will help him if he can’t love. Studies of autistic children show that a mother’s love makes a big differences for many severely affected children. Why shouldn’t we at least give this 5 year old the benefit of the doubt and give him love therapy.
Many studies show that the parents of at-risk children struggle with loving them. It is hard to love an impulsive child who goes after the cat with sharp tools. These parents are also harmed by suggestions that psychopathy is entirely genetic and firmly in place by age 3.
The focus on “discipline” also hurts these families because children need to learn to love. How can they learn to love if the people who are supposed to teach them are constantly yelling at them and scolding them or spanking them?
What is the answer?
An at-risk child is a full time job! Parents have to love that child 24/7 and not leave him alone to go to the kitchen to pick up the knife and go after the cat. Preventive positive parenting means waking up before the child, being there when he opens his eyes and saying, “I love you”. It means giving him hugs and kisses, playing and having fun together.
Dear Witsend,
Depression can cause either over eating or loss of appetite. I lost 35 pound almost “overnight,” when I was really deeply depressed I forgot to eat. AFter that, I gained weight, all I lost and then some. Sometimes other mood disorders can also cause appetite changes, and of course drugs can cause it as well.
The waiting and not knowing what was going on, the anxiety was the hardest part for me with my kid as a teenager….I hope you get some answers soon. (((hugs))))
Witsend,
I also wondered if your son could be using drugs or alcohol. That would certainly explain the lying. Not to give you any false hope, but I was under the impression that sociopaths generally do not entertain thoughts of suicide, but would only use threats as a tool for manipulation.
It sounds like you don’t totally trust the therapist either. I know there are therapists out there who specialize in dealing with troubled teenagers and who also are very familiar with sociopathy. My therapist falls into that category, and he is very low cost. I wonder if you could just call some treatment centers and ask them if there are any chances for low cost counseling.
Alcohol is about the only thing I have been able to pretty much rule out. He is home alot and if he were drinking those signs I wouldn’t miss. My father was alcoholic, his father was alcoholic……
Drugs can be a little more tricky because there are so many different things to look for and so many kinds out there.
Still not had a call from the psychiatrist? As much as I would like to bail out from this “group” that my son has been seeing and explore finding another therapist that would be low cost/sliding scale, such as Stargazer and others have suggested….I am contemplating going to see my sons psychiatrist myself on Monday. All avenues explored so far in my community/county have led to this ONE facility he is already involved with. My only other option is to go to the next state over. And because his insurance is medicaid that wouldn’t even be accepted. So it would have to be sliding scale payment. I live rather close to the state line and the closest “big” city to where I live is actually out of my state.
This appointment on Monday was given when he started the meds that he is no longer taking. And it is suppose to be a 6 week “follow up” to see how he is doing with the medication.
BECAUSE my son is resisting the treatment so far (the medication) I am trying to decide if I should go to this appointment ALONE and talk to the doctor. I would like to discuss with this doctor if a more aggresive treatment would be possible for my son?
And am afraid if I bring up the idea of more agressive treatment in front of my son, he will then refuse to come to any further sessions. He already has ended one session by walking out on his couscelor.
I don’t know this psychiatrist very well (only saw him once for the evaluation) at this point I might have better luck with him than I have with my sons couscelor. At the very least I need some answers, options or some solutions to the problems that are being faced. If I walk away without any of these than I would suppose my only option would be to try and find another place to take him.
I am trying to be positive, and hoping to use my time wisely when I do see the doctor. Articulating what I see going on with my son was always my problem when I tried to communicate some of the issues to his conscelor. He just didn’t “get it”. So I am really trying to clear my head and write down my thoughts. I don’t want to go there and be overwhelmed with what has happened the last few weeks and not be able to focus on what needs to be said.
I would like to direct everyone to the link below which is the true documentary of the clittle girl the film Child of Rage was based on:
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&VideoID=43389427
She was not only physically neglected but was sexually abused as a very young baby by her birth father. The poor little thing went through hell and was becoming increasingly psychopathic as she got older even after attempts by several well meaning parents to adopt her.
Eventually she and her little brother were taken in by a minister and his wife who vowed to help her after she both molested and tried to kill her brother and was plotting to kill her new parents among other things.
Note her affect in the first part of the video, the way she is play acting emotions – who does it remind us of?
But the amazing thing is that there could be a light at the end of the tunnel for the socios and Ps among us with the treatment centre she was sent to. They have worked with kids who actually have killed family members stone dead and managed to help them – they believe that if they are caught early enough, they can be stopped. You can see the progress this little girl is making with them too by the end of the documentary.
All in all an amazing story and well worth a view, especially relevant to us all on here. It’s only 27 mins long and was posted by someone on Myspace.
Genevieve xxx
I read the posts and had some questions and concerns.
My 16 year old stepson lives with his dad and I. He visits his mother and she is a sociopath. She had been diagnosed with bi-polar, however, it is becoming clear that she is a sociopath..and perhaps has even more mental health issues. She and her boyfriend do not live in the same state, so thankfully my stepson does not visit often. However, she has obsessive phone contact with him (on and off…but when its on…its often daily…and very manipulative) She has two more boys (7 and 10) who have different fathers and they appear to have serious behavior problems. They have had a history of emotional outbursts/tantrums. They hit each other and are violent. I understand that one of the children has even killed frogs. (I understand this is a bad sign). My son is doing well in school, and has a very even temperment. He is very naive and follows his mother’s orders and manipulations in order to keep her from being angry with him. My fears are many…and today, the two brothers were telling my step son that the next time he visits, one would “take a chain saw” and cut off his head. The other one said he would stab him with a knife. The one kept telling him he would “kill him”. This concerned me greatly. Would this be grounds to stop the visits? The mother doesn’t address these statements, and may even think its funny. My son ignored the comments and even laughed. (I think that’s strange, too). Is the phenomenon something like he’s being groomed to accept this kind of talk, or being desensitized to the violent talk? I’m very worried. Thank you for any constructive advice.
Dear Intuitive,
I’m glad you have landed here, it sounds like this is a site at which you may be able to learn a great deal that will be hellpful to you.
First, I suggest that you go to the left side of the page and link to Dr. Leedom’s site about raising the AT RISK CHILD, this should give you some good useful information. I also suggest that you learn here by reading the articles in the archives that will teach you about psychopaths, cause it sure sounds like your husband’s x wife is one and that possibly the younger boys are gearing up to that level as well.
There IS some genetic basis and when you add that to the environmental situation it doesn’t look good for those boys. As for your step son, she might indeed be teaching him to tolerate that kind of violence.
I would, I think, see about some therapy for your SS since he is exposed to her and also you might want to contact a family practice attorney about limiting or stopping visits.
I think your SS should be taught and told that that kind of talk and behavior is not acceptable and that he should not be afraid of making his mother angry, he is old enough now to understand those things I think and therapy should be able to help him through this process.
Good luck and God bless you, your husband and your SS.
My older daughter, D., {now 45,} was the perfect child till she hit puberty. She had top grades in every subject,Art. English, math, languages, science, the lot. her dad and I were told she could go to any university in the country. She was quiet, sweet, seemed loving,shy. Then she hit puberty and the sh-t hit the fan. Within months, she was staying out very late, curfews didnt stop her, as she just climbed out the window and ran off into the night. I suspacted she was drinking alcohol, and having sex. her grades plummeted,-she was desperate to be a punk, and they would only admit her to their “gang” if she stopped studying. She stopped overnight. My ex, who is an alcoholic but at this point had been dry for almost 10 years,wa so distraught by D.s behaviour that he started drinking again. Then D left school, and ran away from home. She was away fo 6 months, and the police refused to help me find her! It wasnt till the following january that this woman rang me and said,”I think I have your daughter at my home”. Apparently, D had turned up on her doorstep 6 months before, soaking wet, and with a green plastic bag of her clothes in each hand, and told this woman she was homeless and destitute. At the time, d had her own little flat under the house, nicely furnished, with a shower, and small kitchen! One of Ds friends had put her on to this woman, who had a vacant garage, so d slept on a mattress on the garage floor for 6 months. Every time my daughter tried to offer rent to this lady, she refused to take it, as she was scared shed never get rid of her. I rang my ex at his work, and after he could breathe again,{he was an athsmatic,} he said hed pick her up from the womans house. My ex turned up with D, -my first reaction was to hug her, but the expression of pure hate in her eyes told me it was a bad idea, She had jet black dyed hair, a fag in her hand, black clothes, black rings round her eyes. She said”Theres not any point in me unpacking my clothes, as Im only staying a few weeks!” I said, “Thats Ok darling, wel just keep them in your case. {By this time she had a battered suitcase.} I was longing to hug her, and make her welcome, but she rebuffed any attempt by me to show love to her.For the next 3 years, I had my ex and her going out and getting drunk every weekend, and my other daughter was never home.By the time I finally left, fleeing for my life in 1982, Id been beaten up by both my daughter and my ex.
I didnt see her again till mid 83, when I found out she was living in a squat with a “tribe” of punks.She walke dinto a coffee shop Iwas in,bare feet, short dyed hair, a t shirt with the sleeves ripped out, a sarong and ankle bracelet. I was overjoyed to see her, and she actually seemed pleased to see me, and we hugged.I asked he round to tea, to meet my new boyfriend, D,{whom Im now married to, we just celebrated our 25th Wedding anniversary!} .My husband was playing handels Water Music on a tape. D said shed always liked it, and without any hesitation my husband said,”Do you like it, dear? Then its yours! ‘ and he staright away re wound it, and gave it to her. I was so touched by his instnt acceptance of her, and his kindness, -he is a very kind and nurturing man. Over the last 25 years, she nd her sister have
played every mean and dirty trick in the book on my husband,
he always forgave them, but now he has no wish to see either of them ever again. I can attest that this child was loved, nurtured,had every advantage possible,{my ex even becme head of the Parents Assoc. at her school, just so he could be a positive influence on the girls. he has Polio, but despite his withered leg, he learned to swim, so he could swim with his girls. He tried SO HARD, and was so proud of his girls, and had hopes that D would go to Uni. It was not to be, and the disappointment really crushed him. So it wasnt lack of love, nurture, care, the girls had all these in abundance. Now theyve MADE THEIR CHOICES and have to live with the consequences of their actions.Ive had 30 years of lies, deceit,
appalling rage,[my art studio wrecked and my home trashed}
Ive been conned out of large sums of cash, Ive been banned from her wedding,removed from my younger daughters life for 16 years. I have to believe in divine justice, or Id go mad.
I have to leave them with God, try to forgive them with no closure, and get on with my life without them. They are both
BAD NEWS! i love them as my adult kids, but I dislike them intensely.What a waste of potential, but its Her choice. I refuse to beat myself up any longer, my ex and I did the best we knew how, and so did my present husband.Time to draw a line in the sand, and move on!! geminigirl
Dear Geminigirl,
“draw a line in the sand and move on” I agree totally, but I chiseled my line in the STONE.” Nothing can rub out my “line.” I drew the lines in the sand and they always got rubbed out, now I realize NC is FOREVER, it must be or I would end up back in the mire.
You are a strong woman, and life without them is good. You are fortunate to have a wonderful man to share you life with. Don’t let anything spoil that. BE HAPPY!!! (((hugs))))
The book, We Need to Talk About Kevin is a good peice of fiction that is both thought provoking and enlightening. Has anyone read it?