Recently Lovefraud heard from a woman whom we’ll call Trina. Trina was involved with a sociopath for five years, who abandoned her eight months ago, after wrecking her financially and emotionally. Still, she continued to be in shock, denial and disbelief—until the guy sent her the following poem:
Catch and Release
Before I pull your hair and leave you for dead
I will ravish you
not physically, but with words sensuous and firm
with sibilance rolling off my chameleon tongue
and metaphors byzantine and allusive pitched
to that intimate space between your ears.
I will watch you wriggle with denial,
claw with anger, bargain for release,
splash like a drowning animal in hopelessness.
And when I observe the contour of your acceptance,
the precise moment your will bends pliantly to mine
I will release you.
Game over.
Trina was horrified, and when she communicated this to the guy, he denied that the poem was at all autobiographical. He said she needed to “lighten up;” she was too “up tight;” he’d just taken a line from a TV show and embellished it. Here’s how he explained it to Trina:
“I thought that was a great opening line and I twisted it a bit, threw in Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s five stages of grief as I played on the word ‘dead’ and created a poem, role playing the braggart and using a line that fishermen do when they fish for fun and not food.”
“This man knows he drove me to the point of near suicide,” Trina says, “and rather than feeling badly for it, he actually taunts me, to this day.”
When there is no reason
Many sociopaths are parasites, manipulating people into giving them money, food, sex, a place to live—whatever. But some sociopaths, who may actually hold down a job and have their own resources, manipulate people, even torment them, just for the fun of it.
There are sociopaths who break women’s hearts just to watch them fall apart. There are sociopaths who commit crimes just to prove they can get away with it. There are sociopaths who disrupt workplaces for their own amusement. These people simply want to be puppet masters, pulling strings and watching everyone else jump.
This is probably the most difficult type of sociopathic behavior to comprehend. Many of us have spent hours, days, weeks, even years trying to figure out why a sociopath acted the way he or she did. Sometimes there is no reason other than the sociopath found the situation he or she created to be entertaining.
So how do we come to grips with this? How do normal people, who try to be considerate and cooperative, understand this behavior?
We can’t. These sociopaths are totally twisted. It’s just the way they are.
SIR Henry 🙂 :
Thank you for your kind comments – they meant a great deal to me… and it was nice to wake up this morning and log in to some very sweet compliments! (Hugs!)
Ah, yes, my screen name… sometimes I have wondered if it was the wrong choice for a screen name given it stems from greek mythology and is likely unfamiliar to many people. Or if they had lousy teachers in high school who made them hate mythology it could also be a turn off, LOL! It should actually be Hecate’s Path but the system wouldn’t let me put in the apostrophe… major anxiety for an English teacher, right!? 🙂
But, since I chose the name as a reminder to myself to keep walking the path of recovery – even when it is challenging – I have left my name as is, thus far.
Anyway, as requested, (thank you for asking!) here is what I originally posted in my introduction to explain my screen name:
my screen name was chosen for the following reason that I thought the Lovefraud members might relate to:
“The Greek goddess Hecate reminds us of the importance of change, helping us to release the past, especially those things that are hindering our growth, and to accept change and transitions. She sometimes asks us to let go of what is familiar, safe, and secure and to travel to the scary places of the soul.
New beginnings, whether spiritual or mundane, aren’t always easy. But Hecate is there to support and show you the way.
She loans her farsightedness for you to see what lies deeply forgotten or even hidden, and helps you make a choice and find your path. Oft times she shines her torch to guide you while you are in dreams or meditation.
Hecate teaches us to be just and to be tolerant of those who are different or less fortunate, yet she is hardly a “bleeding heart”, for Hecate dispenses justice “blindly” and equally.
Whether the Greek goddess Hecate visits us in waking hours or only while we sleep, she can lead us to see things differently (ourselves included) and help us find greater understanding of our selves and others.
Although her name may mean “The Distant One”, Hecate is always close at hand in times of need, helping us to release the old, familiar ways and find our way through new beginnings.”
So there you have it… my attempt at reminding myself that I have to walk through the darkness at times in order to get to the light of better days. 🙂 And, Henry, my friend, I DO believe we WILL get there, as we are well on our way after taking those first tentative steps away from the people we loved who hurt us … steps that have led us on a journey we never expected in which we examine past wounds and who we are *because* of them, and how *we* can use them to shape who we are becoming… our new and improved selves who seek and *deserve* all the peace and joy and contentment life has to offer.
WOW, my therapist would be impressed with those words, LOL, because they reflect the beliefs she said she hoped I would eventually embrace… words she said at the end of 2nd or third appt. when I sat in her office after almost every aspect of my life (other than my children) seemingly had come completely undone, wondering how I would EVER put the pieces back together let alone in a functional way. (I think Kathleen wrote about putting the pieces back together in a very eloquent way, as always, that was very inspiring) Those days were so dark, but as the therapist assured me if I did the “work” I would be better *because* of it. SO glad she was right!!!
Rambling on like this reminds me that in my introduction I also said I would post my story and I haven’t yet… but not for lack of trying. I’ve written some of it but some of it is still too painful to explore and write about… a surprise to me given that writing is so natural and cathartic for me. I have just decided to allow my self time to do it in stages, typing here and there, taking a break and processing… rinse, repeat, etc. This is likely because I am still dealing with some residuals from my (hopefully!) final showdown with the S this spring… the ugly legal battle in which he attempted to destroy me professionally with false police charges. I accessed my inner sociopath, as Erin B would say, and *thankfully* powerful people rallied around me and everything was more than OK. You have read enough stories here to know that is the statistically unlikely outcome, so I was truly blessed to survive not only intact but stronger. At the same time while I know the S perceives it as *him* winning as he didn’t get get any public consequences for his lies, he may be waiting for a re-match either because he wants a more clear victory, or boredom sinks in or he needs a distraction to explain his dysfunction to his new wife/victim he is marrying soon.
It’ll get posted here someday or turn it in to a book and I’ll give free copies to LF to give away to acknowledge the great importance this blog has had for me in my recovery. In the meantime, I guess my story comes out in little chunks like this.
My goodness, Henry, I will totally understand if you NEVER ask me a question or engage me in “conversation” again given my looooong winded endlesssss response here!!!! You and anybody else who reads all of this deserves a big slice of chocolate cake and big hugs for reading this whole thing!
Thank you again, dear Sir Henry, for asking about my name, your thoughtful compliments about my posts, and for sharing yourself and journey with all of us… you, too, make a difference to so many and have touched many lives here…
Until next time… Hecate’s Path
P.S I so understand when you said you miss so many posts!! I hate missing things or not being able to respond to everyone. I am going to need extra therapy when I have to go back to work in September and can’t read during the day… aghhh!
Dear Hecates path,
I think your name is wonderful, and the mythology didn’t escape me as I am an avid reader of Greek Mythology and I love the stories, which are so illustrative of mankind’s foibles.
My son C actually wore out two paper back copies of Mythology I had as a text book in college Lit.–before he was 12! I also love the brothers Grimm and their tales as well, also good moral lessons in so many of them.
The Path to Healing, to me, is a life long journey and in the past I would hear the Siren Song and think I was healed and jump off into the FOG, but now that I realize there is no end point on the path, I am making progress toward that distant goal and in the meantime, I am walking so much more often in PEACE. Glad you are here!!!!
Henry,
I googled the Origin of your name… it means Ruler of your home… as far as Im concerned as my kids sometimes say “YOU RULE DUDE”!!!! You know what you want and what you deserve – and you will never again settle for less.
Whether its King Henry lol or Sir Skillet – YOU WILL ALWAYS BE SEEN AS A WONDERFUL CARING GIVING OPEN AND HONEST BEING IN MY EYES AND I BELIEVE THROUGH THE EYES OF THE PEOPLE (who arent N/S/P’s :)) WHO GET TO KNOW THE REAL YOU!
Thanks for expressing exactly how you feel about that screenname! I appreciate and respect you! And I also googled skillethead in hopes of finding something really funny to make us all laugh today… you wont believe what I found for you AND ALL OF US (WHO HAVE BEEN BLESSED BY OXY’s LOVE TAPS from her iron skillet) ….to wear to the Lovefraud party!
I nearly fell off my chair….http://www.4lifeinc.org/skillethead.html
xoxo LTL
Some of the names here just tear at my heart with the sadness expressed in them, and some express a joyful hope in spite of their sadness and pain.
Ox Drover is what I did for my living history group and my egg donor was so upset that I would be so “vulgar” as to drive a team of Oxen (trained cattle, any breed, not any special breed) so I did it anyway, because I enjoyed it and the kids enjoyed it, and it was something UNIQUE I could do, there are only 5 or 6 people in my state that even have an idea on how to train oxen to work, and I am the only woman in the group. It allowed children and adults to see the REAL way people lived pre-1840. I developed the “personna” to go along with the role I was playing in the demonstrations based on and ancestoress of mine who was born in 1800, and came to this county in 1842 as a widow with 5 kids in an ox cart.
I no longer have oxen because of the public’s potential for law suits, and got the asses instead because people should know a large 4 footed creature can be dangerous, but they don’t. there is a LAW in my state that is called th e EQUINE EXEMPTION ACT and supposes that you should have enough sense not to walk under the asses, and if you do and they kick you to Mars, too bad, you cannot sue me, not even file a suit. However, with the oxen, there is NO BOVINE EXEMPTION act so I could be sued. It’s a shame because kids can see working equines just about anywhere, but there is NO one doing public demonstrations of working cattle (oxen) except what I was doing, in this part of the US. God bless the lawyers! Cause I sure don’t!
Except for Matt.
ok it’s official there are an incredible amount of wonderful people on this site (including me) whats going on….????
Here in Brazil there’s a soap opera on TV that shows a sociapath acting. I don’t know how it is seen in America, but here people don’t have consciousness about this kind of problem. In their heads the word phsicopath or sociopath only means a criminal, but we know this is not true. I don’t know if it’s in my city, or if it happens all over the country, even the health professionals are not prepared to deal with victims of p/s/n. I myself went to a psycologist and a psiquiatrist. The first could help me a little but I could see she had no training to deal with soc. victmis, or with victims of abusive behavior, so she couldn’t focus on what I really needed to hear from her, that I assume, for what I told her, that it was: he is a psycopath, or at least abusive partner….he acts like this and he will never change, because this is a health problem, so what you have to do is not blame yourself, etc. She told me that since I had never had a great frustation in my life, I was suffering so much, I didn’t know how to deal with this. She was great,she wanted to help me, but I only had the understanding of everything that happened to me by reading this blog . And it is so clear, the profiles are the same, the experiences are the same, there’s no way of saying he was not and abusive person at least, that destroyed me inside and left me wondering what happened. My experience with the psiquiatrist…he said it not easy to deal with a psycopath and gave me some medicine that helped me a lot, but my question is: this kind of professional shouldn’t be there to explain what happened and give you support? Aren’t they the ones who were supposed to help us? When we go to a psyquiatrist, are we looking only for medicine? Aren’t we going to the one that will help us?
I used to tell peolpe, close friends and family, that I had found out my ex-boyfriend was a psicopath. They looked at me with a pity expression, like I was trying to find an “excuse” not to suffer, to accept his betrayal, but we know this is not the case, there are so many other very suble things in the abusive behaviour that people don’t notice, and of course my family and friends didn’t like what he did to me, but in their head he was just “bad” and didn’t respect me and went out with other girls..but we know it’s not only this. We know we were abused in all spheres, not only regarding to this.
Thanks for all the people, professionals and writers on this blog who makes our lives so much better and take a great weight off our shoulders. Thank you so much.
Learnthelesson – I am the ruler of my home as I am the only one living here! So I rule – except for my 3 weiners, they have to be reminded who’s boss occasionally as for the most part they have me trained very well..Now when the X nitemare was here I can remember thinking I just want my home back..He disrupted so much, of course at first I did everything to make him feel at home, I turned my back bedroon into a huge closet – cause I didnt have much closet space to begin with. I took down my art and hung up his dollar store do do so he would feel at home. I let him bring his cats in, took me forever to get rid of the fleas and when he came here with 3 cats soon it was fifteen~~!! So I got them spade and neutered – oh I could go on and on – anywho when he left he didnt want his cat’s because new lover boy didnt like cats – kicking my self in the head now… so anyway I got my home back, it is my castle, I would of given him the moon or died trying if he had even liked me let alone loved me – he just used me up…BUT~! I was the one who really discarded his scrawny butt and tossed him to the curb – in the end the final discard does belong to us – cause he came back wanting to talk and I said _ you dont live here anymore – you need to leave…..thank you learn for the nice words – i will look up skillet head in a bit…
Hecates Path Thankyou for your prompt reply. I did remember that I was very moved by your name when you first explained it. It is so inspiring…please dont call me Sir tho – henry will do just fine..
Hecates Path,
I read the whole thing and loved it. So…can I have my piece of yummy-for-da-tummy chocolate cake now? And more than a few of those delightful hugs?…haha.
Just send the cake by UPS or heck, if carrier pigeon is the only option, that’ll be fine by me!
I’ll be scanning the skies, searching for a flying spec of a bird encumbered by a big slice of cake! He/she will be hard to miss, I bet.
xxooxxoo!!1!!
😛
Stayingsane,
You are astute, doll. Lovefraud IS the best website on the interwebs, cyberspace with the best, most wonderful, brilliant, compassionate peeps in the world.
When I read here, my heart fills with affection, concern and love for my fellow TRUE human beings.
It’s a remarkable gathering place for the best of the best of the best to share and care with and for each other. Ain’t nothin like it I ever knowed…
🙂