Recently Lovefraud heard from a woman whom we’ll call Trina. Trina was involved with a sociopath for five years, who abandoned her eight months ago, after wrecking her financially and emotionally. Still, she continued to be in shock, denial and disbelief—until the guy sent her the following poem:
Catch and Release
Before I pull your hair and leave you for dead
I will ravish you
not physically, but with words sensuous and firm
with sibilance rolling off my chameleon tongue
and metaphors byzantine and allusive pitched
to that intimate space between your ears.
I will watch you wriggle with denial,
claw with anger, bargain for release,
splash like a drowning animal in hopelessness.
And when I observe the contour of your acceptance,
the precise moment your will bends pliantly to mine
I will release you.
Game over.
Trina was horrified, and when she communicated this to the guy, he denied that the poem was at all autobiographical. He said she needed to “lighten up;” she was too “up tight;” he’d just taken a line from a TV show and embellished it. Here’s how he explained it to Trina:
“I thought that was a great opening line and I twisted it a bit, threw in Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s five stages of grief as I played on the word ‘dead’ and created a poem, role playing the braggart and using a line that fishermen do when they fish for fun and not food.”
“This man knows he drove me to the point of near suicide,” Trina says, “and rather than feeling badly for it, he actually taunts me, to this day.”
When there is no reason
Many sociopaths are parasites, manipulating people into giving them money, food, sex, a place to live—whatever. But some sociopaths, who may actually hold down a job and have their own resources, manipulate people, even torment them, just for the fun of it.
There are sociopaths who break women’s hearts just to watch them fall apart. There are sociopaths who commit crimes just to prove they can get away with it. There are sociopaths who disrupt workplaces for their own amusement. These people simply want to be puppet masters, pulling strings and watching everyone else jump.
This is probably the most difficult type of sociopathic behavior to comprehend. Many of us have spent hours, days, weeks, even years trying to figure out why a sociopath acted the way he or she did. Sometimes there is no reason other than the sociopath found the situation he or she created to be entertaining.
So how do we come to grips with this? How do normal people, who try to be considerate and cooperative, understand this behavior?
We can’t. These sociopaths are totally twisted. It’s just the way they are.
Oxy:
I know it is a moot point whether your egg donor is a psychopath or not. I.E> As long as :
when you are dealing with her you NEVER forget that she is definitely a sociopath. When I am with my sociopath paraplegic mother, she is the same as yours. In that she is only a sociopath to me (and my P father).To the rest of the world she is “a marvelous, brave, amazing positive woman”.(Although she doesn’t pretend to believe in God like yours does).
But she knows all my triggers because she created them. So she often can “still get me in ” and then abuse me… if I have contact with her.
I am all for you and totally supportive of you going ahead with your plan and it is very brave of you and I would probably do the same.
But I look forward to the day when you write “my P egg donor “(instead of by proxy). Because then you will realise that she is just as dangerous as your P son is to YOU. I don’t think that a person can be a psychopath/sociopath to just ONE person (which your mother is to you) and not be wholly and entirely one underneath the mask ALL THE TIME.
I was the same as you with the beatings. As a child(around 8 years old) I would barracade my door and then she would be at my door for hours until I FELT SORRY FOR THE RAVING MANIAC DANGEROUS “WALKING -STICK” WEILDING HYSTERICAL LUNATIC AT MY DOOR and I would LET HER IN to BEAT me around the head and body BLACK AND BLUE! I would NOT cry by age eight because I would get beaten more and humiliated MORE. After she was exhausted I would stick my tongue out at her. I did it to my violent father too.
It would drive them into a fury !! but it was worth it. I did it everytime no matter how much I was hurt.
Later when I was a teenager around 14, she would call the police and make up lies about me. Sometimes she sent me to a friend of hers (a P enabler) her S neighbour, overnight and then she would ring the police and tell them I had run away from home.
When I finally met my ex P murderous husband he picked her in the first meeting. NO-ONE else EVER HAD. So I married him.
luckyzb:
You are a great writer…write some more here, you have a lot to give us. Don’t hold back! I got so much from your post… Thankyou!
Betty:
I hope you have got away from your narcissist brother. I hope you don’t have to live at his place anymore. It would be devastating. What you have just gone through and survived with him is the LAST THING YOU NEED. Its time to get away from toxic people and get time to lick your wounds. You are so strong, but you need time out from cluster Bs!
Stayinsane said: ‘It’s like I will continue to love you if you genuinely do not see the lies but if you insist on catching me out I will abandon you without blinking.’ SO TRUE!!!!
And what you wrote about finally realizing what a liar he was, knowing you would soon be abandoned. I remember lying on my bed, just howling with pain, when I realized that the whole thing was deception–and that I would be left alone with my own agonized heart. It was a horrible experience. My fear of abandonment, and it sounds like yours too (given your childhood background), was the perfect noose around my neck.
And though I know that you are not implying there is a ‘right way’ to be with these folks, to keep them from abandoning us, I have to add my two-cents about their constant need to devalue/abandon/devastate/win/punish. And how, on a fundamental level, they must repeat their life-punishing patterns of behavior. No matter if we catch them in their lies, or cooperate our brains out.
The further truth is that they will abandon us–and it has nothing what-so-ever to do with us catching them, or calling them out on their lies. They would abandon (or threaten to abandon….which is just another form of abandonment), even if they had the ‘perfect mark’. Because, for them, there is no perfect match, no combination of characteristics that can meet the demands of their pathology. There is no perfect psychological profile that could continuously meet their needs for stimulation, recognition, distraction, and victory. To me they appear to be the ultimate self-defeatists. Because, it seems to me, that anyone is a threat to their narcissism, their desire for winning, their need to be better than. And actually, the more well-adjusted and capable, it seems the MORE threatened they are. Though they may want to use those of us who have achieved certain levels of competence and security, they ultimately need to bring us to our knees. Like a virus that kills the host. Human-sized HIV.
It’s really a messed up pathology. There is absolutely no ‘winning’, in terms of finding a meeting place, where something genuine can transpire, and bonds can be forged.
It is always the illogical equation: 1+1=0. I use this equation to represent the narcipath illusion that: They exist (as 1, THE biggest part of the illusion), that they are ‘adding’ themselves to us (the next 1, which is real). And that, the truth, the real outcome of such illusion, is nothing (a big fat 0).
Stayinginsane, I “picked up” your fear of abandonment, too, although it has never been one of my fears — but I was blessed with a good childhood. But, you aren’t the first one to exhibit this fear in the difficulty in getting “out.” I’ve even read about it in textbooks about narcissiopaths, or whatever one calls them.
I call mine an “empty suit” because there is no real person within his clothing. He was an “illusion” from the start but I in my malignant hope stance wasn’t even aware of it — except for the unpleasantness of my gut instincts over and over that I couldn’t explain to myself.
Slimone, I think your illogical equation that “they” live by is SO accurate — thus describes the why behind my “empty suit” 1 plus 1 + zero! Right on!
newlily wrote:Those TOO good traits would have been perfectly normal in a normal relationship but with a disordered personality guy or gal they were our Achilles Heel. Doesn’t it just make your blood boil? It does mine!!”—YUP! That’s my theme song.
I can start blaming myself, see things I need to do differently, but in a sociopath free world, those things wouldn’t be a problem!! Or if they were, it wouldn’t create the kind of problem that hurts this deep for this long.
Slimone: Another great post!!!!
The only thing I will say, is that if we are strong enough in our own integrity, it becomes much harder for anyone to seduce us. So integrity is a good trait of ours that we need to really strengthen to avoid bad men/women in the future. But nothing is a bullet proof shield against these sociopaths!
While I’m on this article’s thread, I am going to add something I’ve been thinking about regarding that creepy poem since I read it. First, I do believe it is autobiographical.
But, I also believe that it is good poetry!
My thoughts have been what a tragic shame it is that so many of the disordered people is our lives have been given so many talents that they never develop!
I never could understand why my “empty suit” did not/could not/ or would not make use of his musical and artistic talents. Here he is nearly 74 years old and his gorgeous, operatic baritone voice has gone unheard and his ability to paint marvelous and realistic oil paintings gone on to lie dormant.
He sang “September Song” for an audience (and even had a standing ovation) and painted (and was praised by expertsfor the results) but ONLY during the first two years of knowing him!!!!!! Never again! What a tragic waste to the world.
Has anyone else encountered a N/S/P like this?
Tilly,
WTF? I cried when I read about your abuse. I don’t even know what to say exactly, but want to reach out and give you my heartfelt sorrow. And I applaud your ability to cultivate such a loving heart.
I would like to exterminate your family. There’s my loving heart!
Dear Tilly, No child should ever have to go through what you did! I feel for you so much. The fact that you are still here, sane, and with a sense of humour, is a testament to how amazing you are.I didnt have any physical violence from my birth family, but lots of emotional manipulation from my Mum. which I think se tme up to marry a needy alcoholic.
Re the “gaslighting”,{which Id never hear of till quite recently}, my older daughter moved in with my new husband and me just after wed got married. her flat mate had moved out, and she couldnt afford the rent. D. agreed she could stay for a month or so. She stayed 6 months and dam near split us up! Id bought her a make up case filled with cosmetics, which she seemed pleased with. One day she said,”Mum, have you seen my make up case? Have you taken it, or borrowed it?” I assured her I hadnt, but I searched the flat, and couldnt find it fo her. I came back from my teaching job one day, to find my daughter in a rage.”You did take my make up case! Its there, on my bed! Look!” she said. Lo and behold, it WAS on her bed, but I sure as hell didnt put it there. “Why didnt you tell me you lied, and that youd taken it?” I hadnt a she screamed.I assured her I hadnt, and inwardly, I thought, “Whats going on? this doesnt make any semse to me”. Now I know this is gaslighting. Why do they do it? For a sense of power, or what?Why would I steal something Id given her? Sick behaviour!geminigirl